It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I was forced to close my beloved indie movie theater. I’ve done all I could, but movie theaters and pandemics simply do not mix. It also didn’t help that the only film I screened at my theater was the 1996 Pauly Shore Slapstick Comedy “Bio-Dome.”
It’s hard to even remember life before the pandemic anymore. Every day I’d wake up just in time for our 10:00 a.m. screening of “Bio-Dome.” Then after lunch, I would watch our 12 p.m. screening of “Bio-Dome.” After that, I would normally catch the 2 p.m., 4 p.m., 6 p.m., and 8 p.m. screenings of “Bio-Dome.” Then I would round out the night with our 10 p.m. screening of “Bio-Dome.” Our theater really had something for everyone.
But it wasn’t always smooth sailing. Some of our customers suggested that we should screen a film other than “Bio-Dome.” I told them that if they don’t appreciate high-cinema then they should go find another movie theater. Attendance started to drop, and pretty soon we were struggling to stay open. I guess nobody has that “Bio-Dome” spirit anymore.
Once the pandemic hit we tried to stay connected with customers by hosting virtual screenings of “Bio-Dome,” but it just doesn’t translate to Zoom I guess. “Bio-Dome” is meant to be experienced in the theater with friends and loved ones.
But not even a masterpiece like “Bio-Dome” can help the fact that I’m closer to putting a bio-hole-through-my-skull than I’d like to admit. The only thing keeping me going at this point is my framed photo of Pauly Shore and my 37 boxes of “Bio-Dome” merch. Anytime I’m bummed out I just look down at my t-shirt and remember that just because we’re stuck in a bubble (quarantine) doesn’t mean we can’t cause any trouble.
Don’t lose hope! The insurance money I got from my theater’s totally accidental fire has given me enough capital to start my own “Bio-Dome” streaming service. Now you can watch “Bio-Dome” anywhere at any time, all for the low low price of $17.99 a month.