New Yorker Refuses to Acknowledge Chicago Pizza Rat as Legitimate Rodent

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — Lifelong city resident Danny Rossi started a campaign early this week denouncing the legitimacy of a city rat that would prefer Chicago deep dish pizza over New York style.

“Pizza Rat is a goddamn New York icon. You’ll be hard pressed to find a better metaphor for living in this place. My buddy went to Chicago for a business trip, he called me up and said he saw one of their rats dragging a ‘pizza’ onto the L. Buddy, get your fucking eyes checked,“ said Alphabet City resident Rossi. “No discernible rat would stoop so low to eat what’s basically a loaf of bread with sauce on it. What we’re dealing with here is an overgrown mouse with brain damage.”

Rossi’s friend who witnessed the Chicago variant of Pizza Rat was confused by his sudden elitism.

“I just thought it was funny to see another rat with a pizza, what is there to argue? We went back and forth for like 20 minutes, him telling me I probably just saw a raccoon or a possum or even a mongoose. Why the hell would there be a mongoose in Chicago?” said David Blumenfeld. “I had to just sit there and listen to him rant about how even the biggest rat could carry a pizza that can’t be folded. I mean he’s not wrong, but I’m not sure if I would go as far as being xenophobic about carb-loving rodents.”

Chicago pizza establishment Polchaski’s Pizza has since begun a campaign to have their city’s pizza rat recognized for being as culturally relevant as its East Coast counterpart.

“Our deep dish rat is just as good — no, better than that scrawny little shit, who’s only famous for basically dragging a dollar slice down the stairs. You gotta be tough to survive in Chi-Town, and only the baddest, jacked up rats can handle deep dish,” said restaurant owner Bob Polchaski. “I’m tired of New Yorkers thinking they’re better than us and our vermin. I’m proud to be known as the joint where this rat stole that slice straight outta one of my customer’s hands. That guy’s got balls.”

At press time, Polchaski and Rossi came to a truce after agreeing no rodent in their right mind would consume pizza with pineapple on it.

America Wishes There Had Been Some Sort of Warning of Rising Temperatures

Posted on by Ryan Danley

OMAHA, Neb. — Citizens across the country are coping with record breaking heat and wondering why there has been seemingly zero warning of rising temperatures by the scientific community, sources showing signs of heat stroke confirmed.

“I’m not sure where my hard earned tax dollars are going! This all seems like it came out of nowhere. I pay attention to the news, and all I remember is them talking about a boy that was kidnapped back in ‘94 and the world’s biggest yard sale. Absolutely nothing about a global climate apocalypse,” said local real estate developer Rick Stevens while driving his F250 750 feet to the corner store. “This is screwing up people’s lives! Last week it was nearly 115 degrees. My sister could barely keep her ranch dip cold at their annual pig roast.”

While the overheated public’s patience with their elected officials is growing thin, frustrated Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts (R) is searching for answers himself.

“I’m as gosh darn angry as anyone. As an agricultural state, we would have hoped there would be some sort of preparation as we watch yet another summer of crops burn, fundamentally altering our economy and helping destroy the already fragile food pipeline in this country. But when I contacted my lobbyist with the oil company, they said they hadn’t heard anything,” said Ricketts. “But I don’t want the public to worry. I have an extensive plan. When in doubt, always deregulate. The free market will fix it all.”

When pressed on the subject, environmental scientist Dr. Sarah Grander had nothing but a vague cryptic response.

“At this point I’m not even bothering to say anymore about it. I’m stockpiling rations, building a climate-controlled subterranean shelter, and hoping I can live my final days there in comfort while the surface burns. You would think at the very least that people would have their own best interests at heart. But nope. It’s like they want to die,” said Dr. Grander. “I used to spend my days warning my elected officials. But after being called a ‘commie’ a hundred times, I now spend my days storing clean water and setting up traps for the pending starvation hordes.”

The American population was further concerned about impending resource exhaustion while throwing away enough viable food to end starvation across the globe.

Aw I Got Fuckin’ Paint on My Brand New Carhartt Shirt!

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Just because I’m a workin’ man doesn’t mean I don’t want to be fashionable. And these long days as a salt-of-the-earth camera assistant on fashion photoshoots sure do take their toll. But I didn’t rock this sick new Carhartt shirt thinking some gross painter would splatter me! If I had received a little heads up that the mansion we’re shooting in was under renovation, I would’ve worn a more work-appropriate shirt.

And can ya believe the painter himself was in Carhartt?! Actually, a lot of the guys working on this house are dressed in it too. But the Carhartt on all these electricians, carpenters, and painters was stretched, torn, and mad faded. They must have some pretty rich parents if they can afford to treat brand-name clothes like that. Personally, I don’t judge but I doubt the fine people at Carhartt would appreciate their products being disrespected by entire trades.

See, we all rock Carhartt on set. That’s why when the rest of our crew saw the paint on my shirt, I had to reassure them that it was caused by some negligent, rich-boy painter who didn’t give a fuck about my, or his, fashionable clothing.

Remember in Zoolander when Ben Zoolander tried to work with his dad and brothers in that coal mine? And how he didn’t fit in due to his own ego and lack of perspective? Some people are so oblivious to how they come across. Granted, that has nothing to do with this situation. I just kept getting reminded of that scene today.

Touring Band Stops to Pay Respects at Tomb of the Unknown Bass Player

Posted on by James Knapp

ARLINGTON, Va. — Pop-punk band Soul Skaters made a brief stop during their East coast tour recently to hold a solemn vigil at the Tomb of the Unknown Bass Player, quietly respectful sources confirmed.

“Paying tribute to this memorial site really makes you think about the sacrifice involved in being a bass player,” remarked bassist Joe Olsen while mournfully placing a heavy pick and a wreath made of E strings against the tomb. “Whoever this person was in life, they now serve as a constant reminder to bass players everywhere that, even when it doesn’t seem like it, you are not forgotten — especially when your band accidentally leaves you at Red Robin and you have to take an Uber 125 to make the next show. Turns out they didn’t even realize I was gone until they had to load out their own gear.”

Soul Skaters frontman Greg “Ballpeen” Stafford elaborated on the band’s experience at the memorial.

“Just recognizing the heroes who came before us, it really does remind you to never take those who support you for granted,” said Stafford before skimming an extra $20 from the pay for the band’s last gig. “Our bass player is the heart of this band. I honestly don’t know if we’d be able to do this at all without Jim… or is it Jack… Rodney? Whatever, I’m gonna go get stoned in the van. Don’t wake me up if I fall asleep.”

Scene historian Randall Dorsett provided background on the origins of the Unknown Bass Player interred in the tomb.

“The Unknown Bass Player perished in a house show fire in 2004 after a couple of audience members attempted to huff gas from a propane canister. As far as sources can tell, sadly, he became entangled in his own amp cable and never made it out. In the aftermath, no one was able to recall his identity — even his own band members seemed to have only vague memories of someone standing in the corner at every practice and show. That’s why this memorial was started: to show bassists that while they’ll never be recognized in life, that’s no excuse for sloppy cable coiling. It’s just dangerous.”

Members of Soul Skaters made an attempt to honor the Unknown Bass Player with a moment of silence, which was ruined when the band’s drummer played a new fill.

Review: L7 “Smell the Magic”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we review the L7 classic “Smell the Magic” released on Sub Pop in 1990.

When L7’s ‘Smell the Magic’ came out in 1991 I was nothing more than a plucky fifth grader, and therefore had not heard of it as I was too busy still letting my mom pick out my clothes for me and having funerals for dead worms I found on the sidewalk.

By the time I reached eighth grade, my mom was still picking out my clothes, which I wore to my hometown’s Coconuts Music & Movies to leaf through a little publication called SPIN. It was there that I first heard of L7 and learned about what their band and other bands like theirs were doing for women in music and the cultural landscape as a whole.

I, of course, did not listen to them at that time as I was a very late bloomer and found things that weren’t “Creepy Crawlers” and “Bath & Bodyworks Raspberry Vanilla Body Splash” confusing and therefore, frightening to me.

Fast forward to six years later, to my first year of not going to college but for some reason continuing to stay in my hometown instead. I was young, I was dumb, and I was full of coming to a new job for like, two shifts before no call/no showing and then just waiting for them to mail me my paycheck. It was on one of these bus rides to or from said job that I was listening to a mix CD made for me by a friend who knew how to work a computer. Track six was a song called “Packin’ a rod” which was my first exposure to the idea of nuclear fuel as a possible solution to the fossil fuel crisis.

Never before had I even heard of uranium rods, let alone heard the idea of them made to rhyme with other words and then set to music. I’m pretty sure “Sesame Street” actually did this sort of thing first, but if you think I’m going to tell Donita Sparks that, you got the wrong guy. Sure, nuclear reactivity isn’t without it’s faults, as I’m sure the fine people over at L7 aren’t either, but what are you going to do, go back to using a fucking oil lamp or something? I’d like to see you try it, buddy.

Anyway, this album single handedly made me think about studying physics. Unfortunately, I ended up getting really bad into pills instead. LOL. The good news is, the bus is a little more expensive than it was 20 years ago, but it has way more stops now, and they changed the seats from that carpet stuff to just plastic, which sounds uncomfortable but it’s actually not.

7/5 atomic particles (5 for the music, and then 2 more for being pioneers in the area of nuclear energy)

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Game Night Transitions Pretty Seamlessly Into Orgy

Posted on by James Knapp

DALLAS, Penn. — A recent board game night hosted by small town resident Curly P. Johnson evolved with alarming ease and fluidity into a full-on fuckfest, apparently sexually adventurous sources confirmed.

“It all started innocently enough. I’d invited a handful of friends over and we had a pretty good game of Catan going when someone suggested we give Twister a try. Next thing I know, I’m fully nude, bent over the ottoman and getting spanked with a Monopoly board,” explained Johnson. “Granted, it wasn’t the night I planned to have originally, but everyone still seemed to have a great time. Although I think I’m gonna have to Scotch Guard the curtains if I have any more game nights in the future.”

Friend and game night participant Abby Novial described how the evening ended up becoming a sexual whirlwind.

“I really do enjoy Curtis’ game nights usually. But there’s only so many times you can play Parcheesi before you start thinking ‘those little game pieces probably fit in buttholes pretty nicely.’ Turns out, yes, yes they do,” said Novial. “Come to think of it, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened with our friend group. Last month we had a baby shower for our friend Susan and we ended up doing that baby food tasting game, but it was off of each other’s labia. I can still taste pureed apricots… and Susan.”

Steven Sharp, a representative for board game juggernaut Milton Bradley, explained the company’s official stance on game night induced orgies.

“Adult game enthusiasts have become a big part of our market over the past few years and we think it’s great that so many people continue to play the classic games they grew up with,” said Sharp. “And if those games have taken a turn for the desperately erotic, then we feel like that’s completely natural. At the end of the day, it’s up to the players to decide how they want to interact with our games.”

“The only thing we ask is that people always put safety first. This is exactly why we chose to discontinue the inclusion of several of the more chokeable pieces for the game Mouse Trap,” he added.

At press time, Johnson was preparing for his next game night by applying liberal amounts of lube to several Jenga pieces he had just pulled out of the dishwasher.

Republican Time Traveler to Protest Outside Building Where Collection of Other Time Travelers Intend to Kill Baby Hitler

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

BRANAU AM INN, Austria — Conservative podcaster and chrononaut Arlo Sanderson travelled back in time to protest the assassination of an unborn Adolf Hitler, insisting government agents wait until after childbirth to murder the baby.

“Time travelers have a responsibility to rescue the millions of victims of Nazi Germany, but as a practicing Catholic I needed to remind would-be assassins that abortion is a crime against God. I will do everything in my power to protect fetus Hitler from these wackadoo, lefty time travelers. My job is done as soon as he’s born and the doctor smacks him on the rear end,” explained Sanderson while forcing modern anti-abortion pamphlets upon confused 19th Century Austrians. “Sure, preventing World War 2 from occurring is really going to leave ‘The History Channel’ in the lurch, but it’s the right thing to do.”

Time-traveling assassin and former CIA agent, paramilitary officer Cynthia Nguyen, expressed her frustration with Sanderson.

“Every time we rip open a wormhole in hopes of aborting baby Pol Pot or Idi Amin, this fucking guy’s there harassing our time travelers and condemning them to hell. I knew we should have never given a time machine to that Kentucky Creationist Museum,” said Nguyen while dressed as an Austrian peasant woman. “For this job, I actually tried to arrive at the moment Hitler was born. The plan was to burst into the home and ring his freshly birthed baby neck, or put a bullet through the soft spot of his skull. But I got here a few days early, and now this asshole is blocking the entrance.”

Theoretical physics professor and “the father of time travel” Dr. Robert Talbot expressed regret regarding his life’s work.

“When I first invented the Time Sphere, both sides of the aisle were very much in favor of preventing historical atrocities. The Right especially was excited to go back a few centuries and start murdering,” said Talbot. “But the whole plan went to hell after some politician suggested it’d be less messy if we ‘Terminator’ these dictators rather than waiting until they came to power. Democrats tried to compromise with Republicans by suggesting various alternatives such as tying Kim Jung Il’s mom’s tubes, or giving Osama Bin Laden’s dad a lifetime supply of Trojan Ultra Thins, but apparently those are ‘cardinal sins,’ too.”

In a surprising twist, a recent study concluded that with each reopening of the continuum, Republican protestors have altered history and erased millions of people from existence, effectively murdering them.

Help: I Was Just a Big Guy Wearing a Black Shirt Standing in Front of the Entrance and Now I’m the Bouncer

Posted on by Ken Taro

There I was, just waiting for a friend outside Dom’s Pub when a bunch of random people started shoving their IDs into my face. I didn’t even know what I was looking at before people started rolling their eyes at me. I mean, I don’t think I’ve checked my own driver’s license since I got it. That was at least six beard styles ago.

Just because I’m a 6’5” 300-pound dude who was standing by the door with his arms crossed, it’s OK to assume I’m the bouncer? Can’t a guy just wear a short sleeve Cannibal Corpse t-shirt with a bloody cadaver on it for a relaxing night out on the town?

It wasn’t just the customers pinning this role on me, either. Before I could answer my own existential questions, a bartender came outside and barked orders for me to kick someone out who stole two Jagerbombs. Where the hell were the real bouncers? While I was looking around for them, I made eye contact with the drunk idiot who needed to be ejected. When he noticed me, he choked out an apology and tripped over a barstool before commenting on my size and ducking out.

Then, just when I was about to tell the bartender I don’t actually work there, two bros started pushing each other and arguing about whose pants were more expensive. They looked like two middle schoolers, and I instinctively wanted to yell “Fight! Fight! Fight!” but what came out was “You two, outta here, now!”

The rowdy kids and some of their friends I wasn’t even talking to booked out of there fast. What the hell was happening to me? I looked down at my arms and found that they were bigger and more heavily tattooed than they’d been a moment ago.

None of this made any sense. I wasn’t the bouncer, I was… but then that was the damnedest thing. I couldn’t actually remember what I did for a living. In fact, I couldn’t remember any detail from my life before, even my own name, though I was aware of a strange impulse to answer to the name Butch.

The Cannibal Corpse logo began to vanish from my t-shirt “Back to the Future” style, replaced by the word “security.” A man in dark clothing roughly my size ran past me out the door shouting “I’m free! I’m free!” but that was none of my business. I had ID’s to check, and troublemakers to toss.

This is how it is, now. I am the bouncer. I have always been the bouncer. I only dreamt that I was a patron, someone with a family and friends who loved him. The sleeper has awoken.

It’s $7.00 tonight.

Breaking: Sick Fuck Just Ordered Hot Coffee During Heat Wave

Posted on by Sophie Len

PALMDALE, CA — Customers and baristas of The Catalyst Coffee Shop were shaken to their core Sunday afternoon when sick fuck Andrew Murphy ordered an extra hot coffee during record breaking heat.

“Quite frankly, I’m disgusted. Never in my years of working here has a person walked through that door and ordered a hot coffee during the summer, let alone during a heat wave. I almost thought I heard him wrong. I expected him to return it. But you know what he did instead? He finished it. The entire thing. Right in front of me, like he was trying to prove something,” recounted barista Sabrina Munoz. “Like seriously, what’s his fucking problem? I used to think the people that ordered iced oat milk lattes were pretentious assholes, but then this guy walks in with some sort of superiority complex.”

Murphy recalled the exact moment he ordered the controversial drink.

“I don’t know what the hell the big deal is. All I did was walk in and order coffee at a coffee shop, then suddenly the entire room turned on me. All I could hear were gasps and groans of disgust. Some people even stormed out of the place. The barista even wrote ‘Fuck You’ on my cup instead of my name,” said Murphy. “What am I supposed to do? Change my order just because of the weather? I’ll be damned. I should be allowed to consume my coffee the way I please. Next thing you know people will be insisting that I take my socks off while I sleep. It’s outrageous.”

Richard Miller, frequent patron of the local coffee shop, has been severely impacted by the entire ordeal.

“People like that need to be locked up. It’s made me question humanity as a whole. Is it possible that I share this world with such masochistic people who consume hot drinks in 100-degree weather? What god do they serve? What god wouldn’t enjoy an iced caramel latte in August?” said Miller. “Perhaps this is proof that there is no god at all.”

At press time, Murphy was overheard defending the warm side of the pillow.

40-Year-Old Pretty Sure He Now Mature Enough to Recreate “Jackass” Stunts at Home

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LANCASTER, Pa. — Longtime “Jackass” fan and father of three, Kyle McGarvin, believes he is finally mature enough to recreate some of the show’s most insane stunts at his peaceful suburban home, concerned family members confirmed.

“Ever since I was a teenager I’ve always wanted the thrill of catapulting myself bare-ass naked down a busy street, strapped to a skateboard, but my parents were always on my dick about ‘destroying public property’ or ‘getting myself killed.’ But now that I have my own house, I don’t have anyone that can stop me from firing tear gas at my balls,” said McGarvin as he unloaded surgical tubing and a shopping cart from his truck. “If I ever want to earn the respect of my neighbors, coworkers, and even my children, I’m going to have to go all out and rent a bull and let it stomp all over me.”

McGavin’s wife, Kelly, while usually supportive of her husband’s eccentric endeavors, has become increasingly concerned by his fascination with DIY stunts.

“We loved watching ‘Jackass’ in college, and I’ll admit I used to film him shooting beehives with a paintball gun. But I thought we naturally aged out of that stuff,” said the concerned mother of three as she tried to dispose of $300 worth of mousetraps. “But recently he started watching a lot of old clips on Youtube, and my husband even enlisted our four-year-old to help light off bottle rockets he shoved up his ass. At this rate, my kids will grow up fatherless. Which, if I’m being honest, might be for the best.”

Despite pleading with fans to not emulate his stunts for decades, “Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is still turning away footage submitted by fans across the world.

“Some people would say I should be flattered that, after twenty years, the show is still inspiring people to unload pepper spray into their pee holes, but here’s the thing: we got fucking paid to do it. Last week I saw a grown-ass man run onto the field of his kid’s little league game and dropkick a trash can into the center fielder,” said Knoxville. “I swear to God, at this rate I’m going to have the show’s famous warning intro etched onto my gravestone.”

As of press time, the McGavin family have been dropped from their medical, housing, vehicle, and life insurance policies after the middle-aged Kyle broke 14 bones driving a makeshift rocket toboggan through his living room.

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