Pro-Gun Leftist Hospitalized After Biting Tongue for Entire Day at Shooting Range

Posted on by Freelancer

PORTLAND — Ardent leftist and Socialist Rifle Association member Jamie Stoltz was hospitalized after severely damaging her tongue by biting it for an entire day at her local shooting range, hospital staff confirmed.

“The Second Amendment is our most important tool in resisting fascism,” mumbled an incomprehensible Stoltz through a mouthful of bloody gauze. “I love hitting the range, but it can be hard not to chime in when all these guys talk about how Biden is radical liberal, so I’ve just been biting the hell out of my tongue and excusing myself to use the bathroom a lot.”

“I’ve had to plink away while they talked about ‘the steal,’ QAnon, or Biden being a half albino black guy/half alien… after a while, I stopped wearing ear protection so I’d be too deaf to hear anything,” she added.

Stoltz has changed shooting ranges multiple times due to heated arguments with right-leaning patrons.

“I quit my last range after I said Trump passed more gun control than Obama, and they all took turns pistol whipping me,” sputtered a defeated-looking Stoltz. “Now I just blend in. I wear a Ted Nugent shirt, cover my hammer and sickle tattoo, and if I get cornered about politics I just say ‘fuck Democrats’ without explaining it’s for different reasons than them.”

Registered Nurse Mike Leach shared a different theory about the origin of Stoltz’s injury.

“Yeah she bit her tongue pretty bad,” Leach explained. “I asked her if she had just gotten the vaccine, cause I hear the microchips give you seizures, and maybe that’s why she bit it so hard. But when I said that, she started biting it even more. She must have been on bath salts or something. There was blood everywhere and I had to give her a tranquilizer to get her to stop.”

At press time, Stoltz was in an operating room having her tongue permanently detached after having booked her first flight back to her hometown in three years.

7 Mind-Boggling Facts About Actor Wallace Shawn That We Made up Because There Are No True Consequences in Life

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Character actor, playwright and essayist Wallace Shawn is one of stage and screen’s greatest treasures. From “The Princess Bride” to “Uncle Vanya” to “My Dinner with Andre,” Shawn is a living legend. But you don’t know everything about him, because here’s seven mind-boggling facts about him that we made up because there are no actual consequences in life!

Seriously, you can pretty much do anything you want, because in the long run, everyone dies and everything disappears.

Fact #1: For his portrayal of scheming, weaselly mastermind Vizzini in the beloved adventure comedy “The Princess Bride,” Shawn really developed an immunity to iocaine powder, the deadly poison used as stakes for Princess Buttercup’s life! But that’s not actually true. Iocaine powder is completely fictional, just like the idea of anything mattering in the long run.

Fact #2: Shawn has a luscious, full head of auburn locks and in his youth, was known at Club 51 as “the Cinnamon Stallion.” He wears a custom bald cap in all his roles, to keep with his image as a mild-mannered intellectual type. See, everything is fake. From this fact to the promises your lover made that night. Nothing is real, so everything is permitted.

Fact #3: He banged your mom. That’s right, the author of controversial play “Marie and Bruce” took your mom to pound town, and your dad watched. And everyone loved it. All untrue, and no consequences. Even if it had happened, nothing in this cold clockwork of a universe would have changed. Not them. Not you. Not the way a father might walk out on a family, never to return.

Fact #4: All actors have a dream role, and Shawn is no exception! In many interviews, he’s said he would love to play Dr Zaius in Planet of the Apes, but it’s impossible because it takes place hundreds of years in the future. Did you think that was true? After all this? You fool. Wallace Shawn understands how stories work, just like we all should understand the only true resolution to anything is the heat death of the universe.

Fact #5: Wallace Shawn enjoys pasta carbonara! That’s right, even a big time celebrity like the principal in Clueless likes to chow down on a plate of the classic Roman pasta of guancile, pecorino, egg and pepper! This might even be true. We don’t know. It wouldn’t change anything if he did. Just like nothing was changed when you saw a nurse deliberately administer too much morphine to a patient. The world keeps spinning.

Fact #6: He honks if he’s horny! And believe us, this pro-Palestine, socialist New Yorker is leaning on that car horn 24/7, 365. It’s always the ones you least suspect, right? Again, we just made it up. Shawn could be asexual for all we know or will be wondering how we got in his head for this article. Doesn’t matter a bit either way.

Fact #7: He’s the son of the legendary editor of “The New Yorker,” William Shawn (1907-1992)! And guess what! That one is true! See, it didn’t matter if it was truth or a lie, nothing truly exists, because all things are impermanent! This entire confession of guilt has meant completely nothing.

Everything means…nothing.

/**/

Lead Guitarist Calls in Older Brother to Play Really Hard Part

Posted on by John Dixon

CASPER, Wyo. — Jimmy Santiago, lead guitarist of local extreme metal act Necrosticide, called in his older brother George for assistance nailing a spectacularly difficult guitar part after an afternoon of unsuccessful attempts, multiple sources confirmed.

“Generally speaking, I consider myself a pretty decent guitarist but I kept getting stuck in my head and my fingers just weren’t doing what I needed them to do,” Santiago explained while icing his hand. “After 30 attempts, I knew I had to call for backup. My older brother fucking shreds. I mean, he’s the reason I even started playing guitar. And of course, he nailed it on the first try. He didn’t even need to warm up or anything, it was crazy. It was like when we were kids and he beat Mike Tyson in ‘Punch Out’ without breaking a sweat.”

George Santiago, a successful CPA who lives in a nearby suburb and has two children, was bemused but pleased to hear from his baby brother.

“At first it caught me off guard. I haven’t picked up a guitar in like ten years. But I dropped what I was doing and went straight to his place to see what I could do,” said George Santiago while tuning his brother’s guitar. “My brother and I are very close, but I want to make sure he has the confidence to do these things on his own. I don’t want his bandmates to lose faith in his abilities. This was almost like the time he was having trouble getting his girlfriend off and I had to come in and finish the job for him.”

Dr. Burt Kreigler, a family therapist specializing in sibling relationships, said the situation with the Santiago brothers is far from uncommon in the music industry.

“I cannot tell you how many guitarists I have counseled who have found themselves shaken after calling in their older brother to nail a solo or really hard riff,” Kreigler said. “It’s the meeting point of relying on your older sibling to beat the Water Temple from ‘Ocarina of Time’ and an emo guitarist bringing in his sister to do guest vocals; it feels like returning to being a helpless child, while also feeling weirdly artistically invalidating.”

At press time, the elder Santiago was overheard giving his younger brother sage advice on how to deal with a moody drummer.

/**/

5 Fun Date Questions That Still Won’t Get Him To Stop Talking About His Noise Project

Posted on by Heather Cook

So, you’re on a date with a band dude you met at a show. Nice! Well, almost. See, you’re trying to have a romantic night out and your date, who has twice referred to himself as the “Mozart of industrial shoegaze,” won’t shut the fuck up about his stupid noise project.

So much for romance when all this dude wants to do is talk about his music. He describes it as “a poetic cerebral journey that transcends time and space.” Well, that’s fitting since this date is a black hole, so here are a few fun date questions to help you out! Granted, they won’t stop him from calling his experimental project “better than Sonic Youth,” but they can give you some good convo ideas for the future now that you’ve learned your lesson about going out with musicians.

What’s your pet peeve? – The answer? Apparently, anyone who interrupts him when he’s talking about his blossoming dreams as a noise artist. What the hell even is a “noise artist?” You were hoping to drop a hint about how it’s your pet peeve when people talk and chew with their mouth wide open like he’s been doing, but he somehow forged this path of conversation straight back to how he gets the perfect level of distortion when he’s ruining peoples nights with music instead of self-indulgent conversation.

Do you have any (other) hobbies? – Spoiler alert: he doesn’t. However, it’s always worth asking in the slim chance that this dude might like doing at least one thing that doesn’t include overdoing distortion and reverb. You might as well have just asked him what his favorite fuzz pedal is, because that’s what he’s going to talk about regardless. Wait, does talking over women count as a hobby? If so, that’s the thing he might go pro at.

Do you have any siblings? – Oh shit, he has siblings! …Who are also in his band. Of course. Tracy is on bass, Sam tickles the synths, and Robert makes the cave sounds, whatever the fuck that means. Looks like if you marry this man you’ll have to deal with an entire family that won’t shut up about their dumb noise project.

What’s the coolest country you’ve visited? – The chance that some guy making noise music in his parents’ basement has ever had enough money to leave his hometown is slim to none, but he swears that someday he’ll go viral, and then he’ll get to tour the whole world. Plus, according to your date, no journey on foot can compare to the journey experimental music can take you through your mind.

Would you like to ask me a question?– God forbid this guy asks you anything about yourself. Because if you’re talking about yourself, then that means he isn’t talking about his noise project, and he simply can’t imagine anything more interesting than that. So feel free to call him out on this bullshit. But fair warning, the only question he’s going to ask you in response is, “Would you like to come back to me and my parents’ place to hear some demos?”

House Party Forces Sneakerhead to Leave Personality at the Door

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

ALBANY, N.Y. — Avid sneakerhead Jeremy ‘Choice Kicks’ Santini reportedly died inside when first time homeowner Michael Beatty instructed all party guests to remove their shoes before entering, empathetic party goers confirmed.

“My shoes at the door? What next, my heart in the microwave? I didn’t rehearse talking points about my Air Jordan 1 Retro High OG in UNC’s blue and white all day just to point them out in a pile of pedestrian beaters for reference. It’s ironic too, cus these are the kicks that violated the NBA’s uniform policy back in ‘85, which led to Jordan being fined $5,000 a game,” regurgitated Santini while trying not to burst into tears. “And I get it, most of our friend group kind of sucks, I wouldn’t want their dog shit-covered, parchment paper soles trudging through my pad either, but my kicks are fresher than everyone else’s socks! Plus, now the rest of my outfit makes zero sense, guy!”

Santini’s fifth longing gaze to the foyer prompted the new homeowner to defend his divisive policy.

“I don’t like rules either, man. I’m cool. But there was a slight drizzle today, and the landlord fairy doesn’t just swoop in with carpet cleaner when you own,” a financially stressed Beatty declared. “I don’t see the issue. ‘Shoes off’ is basically the law in Canada. Probably cus it’s winter like nine months a year, but I’ve seen shoe piles waist high and everyone has a blast! Jeremy spent the last 30 minutes talking about the toothbrush he uses to clean his shoes every morning and how that should allow him to keep his shoes on. It’s starting to piss me off.”

Dr. Elise Greensway, an expert in sneakerhead subculture, believes this was where Beatty crossed the line.

“Mr. Santini is already branching out of his community by attending a party mostly comprised of sneakersimps, so for Mr. Beatty to then literally strip him of his very identity and self worth is just plain cold,” stated Greensway. “If someone identified as ‘funny,’ you wouldn’t request that they leave the jokes at the door, would you? And yes, while these ‘no shoe’ parties benefit short men whose dates’ high heels are rendered useless, they are widely regarded in the sneakerhead community as, ‘The funky foot smell in the doorway to communism.’”

After having absolutely nothing to add to any conversation, Santini reportedly shouted, “Little heads up and I would’ve brought my Nike Dunk Low Sneaker Slippers, dawg!” as he strapped up and stormed out.

Ranked: Best East Coast Cities for Crippling Panic Attacks on Public Transportation

Posted on by Heather Cook

Looking for the perfect East Coast destination for your next panic attack? Look no further than this ranked list of East Coast cities that have the best of the worst public transportation systems for you to cry your eyes out on.

Now that the world is reopening, your social anxiety is going to be at an all-time high when your friends drag you to the club at 2 a.m. So, if you’re going to have a crippling meltdown on a public bus, then let it be in one of these gorgeous cities!

1. New York City, New York
Coming in at No.1 is the city that never sleeps, and neither will you if you’re visiting this bustling metropolis. The sound of traffic and drunken fighting in the streets is so loud that you probably won’t get a wink of slumber while you’re here, which is going to make your panic attack all the worse when you get on the subway. Luckily for you, everyone will be too distracted by some rat carrying a piece of pizza to notice you sobbing on the train. Don’t like the MTA? Try your hand at having a panic attack on the Staten Island-bound ferry. At least you can have alcohol on the boat.

2. Washington, D.C.
If you’re itching to have an existential crisis while being surrounded by rich American history, then Washington, D.C. is perfect for you. Hop on the DC Metro and let your intrusive thoughts run rampant as you zip from monument to monument. Feeling fancy? Call an Uber and risk your five-star rating as your driver tries to act casual while you gasp-cry in the backseat.

3. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
If you’re the type of person that has an angry panic attack (the kind where your face turns beat red and you start punching the wall) then Philly is the best place for your next emotional episode. Philly is known for its no-nonsense demeanor and tough guy attitude. If you want nobody to mess with you on a SEPTA bus, then this is the perfect spot for your fuming panic attack to make other passengers think, “Woah. I better stay away from them.”

4. Miami, Florida
Do you like warmer weather? Consider planning your next panic attack on an adorable trolley in Miami. Breathe in the fresh ocean air while you contemplate all your glaring past regrets and succumb to your emotions. Things are dark in your head, but at least the sun will be shining on your commute.

5. Atlantic City, New Jersey
Visit this underdog of a city if you want to avoid eye contact with a bachelorette party while you have an anxiety attack in the NJ Transit bus terminal. Fair warning: bus rides through this casino city are rowdy with partiers, but fortunately they’re all too busy thinking about how much money they lost gambling to notice you weeping in the fetal position.

Punk Saves Thousands in Medical Bills by Dying

Posted on by Tiana Miller

WESTBURY, N.Y. — Multiple despondent mourners confirmed that local punk “Fast” Eddie Gwan recently saved thousands if not more in expensive preventative care by simply dying, sources who wish they thought of that one emergency room visit ago reported.

“She was a great sister, partner and friend who will be sorely missed,” Gwan’s surviving spouse Mika Cheek confirmed. “But between the car payments, credit card debt, rising rent costs and medical tests to figure out what’s causing her latest horrifying and unexplained symptom, we were beyond stretched thin, financially. Never would I imply she took one for the team or became a burden, but a chronic illness, in this economy? The pain of living without her is unbearable, but at least I can finally afford something besides a beer and a shot at Applebee’s. I know that’s what Eddie would have wanted.”

Gwan’s long suffering mother, Ellen Gwan, expressed relief upon receiving news that her daughter would no longer be one sprained ankle away from financial ruin.

“It was a tough decision for all of us, but I’ve been working multiple retail jobs just to keep my family insured since I can remember. I haven’t seen a full Saturday since elementary school,” Mrs. Gwan stated. “Once she got old enough to not be covered by my plan, I knew every day would be a risk. I’m now in my late seventies with no view of retirement. Now that I think about it, maybe I’ll follow her retirement plan. Can you blame me?”

One of Gwan’s several doctors, Dr. Rodney Pierce, M.D., was not as optimistic over his patient’s decision to end her own life rather than be unable to open a checking account thanks to past-due bills from 2006.

“It seems to me to be a very rude and selfish act, considering I put a down payment on a boat when her tests came back positive,” Dr. Pierce said. “I mean she could have at least let me get her addicted to opiates first. What’s it called? Oh yes, hippopotamus oath or whatever. I got into this profession because I saw everyday Joes having to navigate their own physical care through a for-profit system. It’s a tough, extremely high-paying job, but someone’s gotta do it.”

At the close of funeral services, Gwan’s friends were still in shock that a simple diagnosis of scoliosis while uninsured would inadvertently be her cause of death.

Nurse in Tokyo Holds Up iPad to Show COVID Patient Peacock Ratings Bump in Final Moments

Posted on by Dianne Nora

TOKYO — A nurse at St. Luke’s International Hospital in Tokyo comforted a dying COVID patient by showing him the recent Peacock ratings bump on an iPad during his last moments.

“The recent spike in COVID patients has been devastating to see,” the nurse said, who was sixteen hours into a twenty-hour shift. “Knowing that I can ease the pain of any of my patients, even just a tiny bit, by reminding them that the Olympic Games, which went forward here despite the nation declaring a state of emergency and protests demanding it be canceled or postponed, has led to increased viewership among the coveted 18-49 demographic for NBC’s streaming platform, that really makes it all worthwhile. Not for that guy, obviously, but you know what I mean.”

Miura Rokiro, a patient who was recently released from the same hospital, confirmed that the sight of Peacock’s streaming numbers helped him pull through his darkest days in the ICU.

“There were several moments over the past two weeks when I didn’t think I’d make it,” said Rokiro, who continues to suffer from brain fog and exhaustion since his release. “I had been in and out of consciousness for days, and I knew that if my breathing didn’t stabilize, I’d be put on a respirator. But when I heard that Peacock could potentially triple the viewership of ABC, CBS, Fox, and The CW combined, I felt a renewed will to live another day.”

Pete Bevacqua, the President of NBC Sports Group, said that giving people stories of hope is what NBC Sports is all about.

“We realized there was a significant risk in going forward with the games this year,” Bevacqua said, “but the glory of professional sports has always been about risking health and safety for the personal enrichment of a few. The surge in hospitalizations and positive cases in Tokyo has coincided with great things for our bottom line, and that’s what inspires me.”

Mark Wahlberg Researches Upcoming Cop Role by Committing Multiple Hate Crimes in the 80s

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Hollywood A-lister Mark Wahlberg is researching a new role as a police officer in upcoming thriller “Crown Victoria” by having already committed multiple hate crimes in decades past, permanently injured sources confirmed.

“I really wanted to get into the mind of the prototypical American police officer, which is actually quite easy since I’m familiar with assaulting minorities while using racial slurs,” explained Wahlberg, who committed a rash of racially-motivated attacks in the late 1980s. “It’s important to give authenticity to your subjects on-screen so you can properly tell their story. I’ve talked to so many cops who are sick of being portrayed as goody-two-shoes and non-racists. Finally, this is a movie for the real boys in blue.”

To further gain experience for the role, Mr. Wahlberg participated in multiple ride-alongs with the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department.

“I got to show Mark a lot of the daily routine I experience, like falsifying reports and pulling over black kids and arresting them for having barely tinted windows,” explained Officer Danny Coogan, who made Wahlberg an honorary member of his LASD gang, The Bastards. “He’s a natural for it, especially considering his past. It’s a bummer he didn’t actually enter the force after showing so much promise with his assaults. It would have been an honor to hit mothers in the face with billy clubs alongside him during last year’s protests.”

Members of the police abolition movement offered a differing perspective on the value of Wahlberg’s on-screen depictions of policing.

“Honestly, I’m not surprised at all. Of course they are wasting taxpayer money so a shitty actor can pal around with a shitty cop. That’s America in a nutshell,” said racial justice activist Dayna Casey. “We’ve been trying to highlight the awful practices of the police force for years now, and this second-tier Wahlberg is constantly trying to undermine it. Everyone knows Paul Wahlberg, star of ‘Wahlburgers,’ is the most talented of the brothers anyways.”

Rumors indicate that after “Crown Victoria,” Wahlberg will star in yet another movie about the Iraq War, and will prepare for the role by taking painting lessons from George W. Bush.

Maintenance Request From 3 Apartments Ago Finally Approved

Posted on by James Webster

DALLAS — Local woman Claudia Rodriguez was stunned this afternoon upon receiving an email approving maintenance for an apartment she has not lived in since 2014, neighbors confirmed.

“Fuck a landlord,” Rodriguez said. “I mean, not my current one, because he’ll probably see this and I’m already at risk of not getting my security deposit back. Anyway, it’s been years since I submitted that request at my old place. Do you know how much has changed since then? I’ve moved three times! I adopted a dog! Shit, when I submitted that, Obama was still the president. God, I want to go back and warn my sweet, naive past self that there are about to be problems a lot bigger than a leaky faucet…like the bathtub that detached from the wall. I probably should have warned whoever moved in after me.”

Long-time friends of Rodriguez felt vindicated upon hearing the news.

“I tried to warn her about that place,” said Kevin Yamashida, Rodriguez’s co-worker at a Dallas startup. “I don’t trust those shitty square apartments with the stores on the street level. You know, the ones that look like the box a normal apartment building would come in? I don’t know who builds them, or owns them, or thinks they’re anything other than a scam. This is why I only rent from ancient old guys who don’t own a computer. Yeah, sure, I have to pay by mailing a check, but if I need something fixed, a hairy guy named Nikolas with a K will be there in an hour with a toolbox and a ladder. Doesn’t matter what the problem is, he’ll solve it with just those two things.”

Marissa Pollard, a local tenant lawyer, confirmed that this is all too common.

“I’m sure that they’ll try to somehow charge money for their own incompetence,” Pollard explained. “They’re always trying to skim money off of their tenants in whatever ways they can. Those assholes all should have gotten good honest jobs, like being a lawyer.”

At press time, nobody from Rodriguez’s former management company could be reached for comment but did encourage inquiries to be sent via fax between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. Monday through Wednesday only.