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Opinion: I Think I Can Hold It ‘Til After the Encore

Okay, I’m cool. Sure I’ve had 11 PBRs on an empty stomach, but there is no way I’m gonna be in the bathroom when Shit Blaster comes back to play their encore. I am an adult and I am in control of my bladder. Jesus Christ, these guys are taking forever.

Fuck! I don’t think I’ve had to pee this bad in my whole life. Maybe if I move back by the merch tables… nope, moving just shakes it up. Oh goddamn, it’s so much worse now. Shouldn’t have tried to do anything. That’s my mistake. Okay, it’s okay, I got this.

They better start the encore soon because I cannot hold this for much longer. And if a little bit manages to leak out I’m not going to be able to stop the rest. Like, full on floodgates on the Hoover Dam opening. I’m just gonna soak the floor of this pit. But if I’m lucky all the stale sweat might cover it up. Yeah, it’s good to have a ‘Plan B.’

Man, the line for the bathroom looks really long. I should have gone during the opener’s set. What the hell was I thinking? And why did they play a cover of “Waterfalls” by TLC? Did they know this would happen, or was that a pee-induced hallucination?

Maybe it would be funny if I pissed myself. Like, if I just owned it? Maybe my friends would think I was more hardcore if I did that, and it could be a funny story about how crazy and wild I am. Oh who the fuck am I kidding, I’m not that guy! There’s no way I have enough clout in my circle to pull off pissing myself as a power move.

Okay, if they start now and play a three-song encore, I can probably make it through. If they play four songs, it’s a 50/50 split. If it’s five or more, I’m definitely walking out of here in lost and found basketball shorts. Same if they play the song “Swollen Testes” at all. I almost piss myself all the time listening to that when I haven’t consumed several quarts of cheap beer.

Did that guy just jump the line for the urinal?! Use the alley, you dick! Now I’m further behind than I was before!

The band’s not coming back for an encore, are they? Dammit, I can’t believe I waited around all night and almost certainly ruptured my kidneys for this. Well, fuck it. I paid to get in here so I’m gonna pee here. Now I just need someone to guide me to the restroom, because my refusal to pee appears to have left me blind somehow.