Press "Enter" to skip to content

USA Renews Forever War for 20 More Seasons

WASHINGTON — The United States of America picked up another twenty seasons of Forever War, according to a speech from President Biden last night.

“Initially, the numbers seemed to suggest that Americans had lost interest in Forever War, but once we heard the President pledge revenge on ISIS-K, I knew that we could expect a pick up,” said Jeffrey Willard, an independent defense contractor who’s worked with the Pentagon. “Some viewers had complained that the past few episodes have been confusing, and I can’t fault them on that: we’re training the Taliban, we’re fighting the Taliban — it had gotten to the point where there was no clear antagonist, and all the action sequences and fatalities just felt a little pointless and meandering.”

Dick Cheney, the former Vice President and long-time showrunner of Forever War in the early 2000s, blamed the series’ dip in popularity on recent mismanagement.

“The guys running the show now don’t know the first thing about selling Forever War,” Cheney grumbled. “Acknowledging the humanity of your enemies, admitting responsibility or mistakes, trying to be honest with the American people — that shit is way off the mark. I blew a clear shot once on a hunting trip when I was just a young man of 65, an age I’ve looked since I was born, and I swore I’d never miss my target again. But with a concept this strong, Americans don’t need to worry. Forever War isn’t going anywhere.”

Jen Psaki, White House Press Secretary and spokesman for USA says the current leadership intends to take the show in a new direction.

“As long-time viewers might have expected after hearing the President speak this week, Forever War will be returning to form with all of the suspense, intrigue, and wide-scale destruction that our audiences have grown gradually numb to over the past few decades,” Psaki confirmed. “ISIS-K might sound like a rehashing of an old enemy, and in many ways, it is, but by the time the press has spun up enough hatred and dehumanization of them, we can expect a mass fear that might surpass even the post-9/11 era. Keen observers will also note that the revenge plots and drone strikes of Forever War in the Obama years are also slated to return, so Americans can have the false moral satisfaction of the conflict ending while the actual carnage continues across the region. Please note that I included my contractually obligated mention of 9/11 in this statement.”

At press time, rumors of a spin-off series, Forever War: Caracas, was still not confirmed.