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Drummer Expecting Triplets Accidentally Births Two Dotted Eighths, One Eighth Note Instead

LAREDO, Texas — Punk drummer Marcus Flannery shocked the medical and music worlds by giving birth not to triplets as expected, but rather two dotted eighth notes and a final eighth note, shocked hospital staff reported.

“I’ve been practicing and training for nine months with an instructor that coached me on fancy breathing techniques, but when it came time to the actual gig, I totally rushed it and pushed as hard as I could,” said Flannery, who admits to never following his childhood drum teacher’s guidance of practicing with a metronome. “So sure, things didn’t go according to plan, but I’m still happy with the result. I’m just glad that the beats were healthy and loud and didn’t require help from triggers. But I have to be honest; I don’t really hear much of a difference between normal triplets and my babies. Sounds the same to me!”

Flannery’s bandmate, bassist Evey Lawry, has stood by his side for years through empty gigs and botched fills.

“When Marcus first told me he was expecting triplets, I told him that I support his decision either way, but also I’m fine if he removes the triplets from this section of his life to make playing a little easier,” recounted Lawry, who has played bass in Backsmacker with Flannery for four years. “The fundamentals have never been Marcus’s strong suit, so I’m honestly not surprised that things turned out a little shakier than predicted. But that’s part of his style. Playing it loose and unexpected, sometimes with really fun and funky results.”

A nurse at the Laredo Medical Center Women’s Center shared her thoughts on Flannery’s unusual birth process.

“Who in the shitstained fuck brought a drumset into the delivery room?” asked neonatal nurse Donna Reddis. “I am doing everything I can to ensure that our patients are having safe, healthy births, and we have some jackass fucking up the beat who can’t play triplets evenly. Get this shit out of here, and if you’re going to harass people at their work, at least learn how to flam correctly. Security!”

Flannery’s family has confirmed that the children are doing fine, but Marcus still continues to have trouble telling the various notes apart.