Unvaccinated, Immunocompromised, Septuagenarian Grandparents Can’t Believe You’re Using Same Excuse as Last Year to Avoid Coming to Thanksgiving

Posted on by James Knapp

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — News that you will not be attending Thanksgiving dinner this year over ongoing concerns surrounding the coronavirus pandemic caused your elderly grandparents to determine you no longer love them, reported sources who refuse to take any accountability or preventive measures to safeguard their own health.

“My word, I can’t believe what an ungrateful little grandchild I have. You know how much your grandfather and I have been looking forward to seeing you and now you say you’re not coming. What exactly are we supposed to think?” nagged your grandmother while your grandfather slowly rearranged crescent wrenches on his tool bench in the garage. “And don’t try to turn this around and say it’s because you’re worried about us catching that little sniffle that’s been going around. If you really cared then you’d comment on those articles I keep sending you on the Facebook about how those vaccines got microchips in them.”

You explained your position on the matter while exasperatedly reading Vox articles.

“Look, my family is a bit nuts. But that doesn’t mean I want them to slowly suffocate to death because they think their immune systems are ‘God’s facemask’ – seriously, they actually said that,” you remarked. “I never liked Thanksgiving, but I want to see them again. Trying to walk them through Zoom calls has aged me at least ten years. I mean, they were actually alive when the polio vaccine was developed. How do they not get this?”

Family physician Dr. Geraldine Daumbauer explained recent medical history as it relates to family gatherings.

“This is a trend I’ve noticed a lot recently among the, let’s say, more aged patients I see. Obviously per doctor-patient confidentiality I can’t divulge any medical records, but I can tell you that people calling me a ‘fascist death monger’ have gone absolutely through the roof,” explained Daumbauer. “This denialism is almost as bad as the pandemic itself. Due to sheer volume I’ve had to outsource all of my horse dewormer toxicity cases to a local veterinarian. Boy, I do not envy him right now.”

At press time, your grandmother had left you seventeen voicemails to let you know everything Tucker Carlson said yesterday.

5 Authentic Thanksgiving Recipes all Made From the Weakest Member of Your Family

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s been said that hunger is the greatest spice, and while that may be true, we believe that authenticity is at least a close second. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and while boring “staples” like Stove Top stuffing, Ocean Spray cranberry sauce have become the norm, there’s no need to settle for mediocrity. Especially if someone in your family is pretty much just taking up space.

This year why not give your family an authentic, historically accurate culinary experience, while at the same time cutting down on the number of mouths you have to feed. Winter is coming, and your family must be strong if it is to survive. Here are 5 mouth-watering old-time Thanksgiving recipes made from who’s ever turn it is to be culled from the herd.

Candied Grams
Eating regular ole’ human flesh can be a bit traumatizing, and if we’re being honest, tastes a little plain. Why not cover up some of that grizzlyness and add some delightful sweetness by melting marshmallows on top of it in a casserole dish?!

And don’t let the name fool you! While the weakest member of your clan is statistically most likely to be your grandmother, this recipe works just as well with grandfathers, dads who have been in an accident, or even sickly children!

Long-Pig Sausage and Walnut Stuffing
We all know that when killing a family member for sustenance, sausage is the way to go. It utilizes the most parts and can be stored in the freezer in neat piles. But did you know you can turn your kin’s sacrifice into one of the most scrumptious side dishes you’ve ever had?

Just add it to store-bought stuffing mix with some ground walnut, onions, and celery, and voila! A stuffing so delicious and savory you’ll almost forget it contains someone you once loved but now must forget all about.

Mashed Butt-tatoes
Okay, you got me, this one I made up myself, but hear me out — it rules.

I had ordered some BBQ takeout a few months back and the driver must have gone off roading or something because my food was in complete disarray. Luckily it turned out to be a happy accident, because that’s when I discovered that pulled pork and mashed potatoes go AMAZING together. And then I thought “Hey, I should do this with the ass-meat of whatever relative I kill for Turkey day!”

Human Skull Centerpiece
It’s not just about what parts of your loved one you can eat. When taking a human life, you want to use the whole buffalo. The skull makes an excellent addition to a decorative cornucopia, or can function as a centerpiece all on it’s own! In a way, it’s like that person is still there with you, watching you enjoy them!

Green beans, but With Human Flesh
Look you get this by now right? Cook food with people in it. Survive!

Uncle Takes Existence of Tofurky Personally

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — Twice divorced Uncle Mike Dilmer became outraged beyond comprehension due to the mere existence of Tofurky at his extended family’s Thanksgiving celebration, according to sources within his sister’s home.

“TO-FUCKIN’-FURKEY? It’s like you are trying to make me angry. If everyone here is trying to get me to punch a hole in the fuckin’ drywall then WELL DONE,” screamed a livid and deeply hurt Dilmer at no one in particular. “This is my first family gathering since Donna left and one of you draft-dodging, hippy college kids had the audacity to bring fake meat to the most American celebration there is? America was built on the bones of dead turkeys! I should flip the damn kids’ table over. I’m goin’ to outside to burn a nail if you need me, which you don’t.”

Dilmer’s niece and long-time vegan Rachel Sears was responsible for preparing the Tofurky, but made no mention of its existence to her uncle.

“I think he was digging through the recycling because my dad threw away some old scratch-off tickets and he saw the Tofurky box,” said Sears, happily enjoying her mashed potatoes and mushroom gravy. “He’s always looking for something to get mad about. No one was making him eat Tofurky, we only brought enough for me and my partner Ezra anyways. Us not eating the turkey meant he could have more leftovers to take home, but I don’t think that was on his mind. It’s less about the Tofurky and more about Donna, I think.”

This kind of personal grievance over fake meat during the holidays is becoming more and more common according to family therapists.

“Uncles hate fake meat, it’s just hard-wired into them. On Thanksgiving uncles want to drink beer and eat dry, sleep-inducing turkey meat so they can fall asleep mid-rant about how football players need to stand for the ‘Pledge of Allegiance,’” said Annie Baskins, LMFT. “Nieces and nephews are eating less meat and drinking less alcohol and it’s stirred up a very personal, deep anger in their uncles who desperately need to talk to someone about their mental health.”

At press time, Dilmer was seen trying to light a neighborhood pro-Native American Thanksgiving display on fire with his cigarette.

Newly Freed Britney Messages Facebook Friends Asking if They Ever Considered Being Their Own Boss

Posted on by Contributor

LOS ANGELES — Pop star Britney Spears is taking full advantage of her new freedoms following the ending of her 13-year conservatorship by taking to Facebook and recruiting friends to sell energy drinks online, confirmed multiple confused acquaintances of Spears.

“This is just such an exciting opportunity y’all,” said Spears from her backyard. “For years I was stuck and had no idea what I could do. That’s when I discovered E-Power Energy. I know what you’re thinking; ‘Britney, there are already so many energy drinks and they all taste like butt.’ Well, E-Power has four amazing flavors like ‘Lazer Lemon’ and ‘Power Peach’ and it’s the first drink that is designed to help get rid of stubborn belly fat. Also, it’s low-calorie, and has all-natural ingredients. All you need to get started is $100 and a little bit of elbow grease and you could be on your way to financial independence like the boss you are!”

Crystal DeSouza, a background dancer on “The Onyx Hotel Tour” in 2004, admitted she was initially excited that Spears tried to reconnect.

“It was such a treat working for Britney and I’ve followed her ups and downs closely,” said DeSouza. “I wanted to tell her how much she means to me and that I’m here to talk if she ever needs it, but she just kept pushing me to buy a ‘starter kit’ for some drink that was banned in the European Union because it made a bunch of lab rats go blind. She ended up blocking me when I sent her a New York Times article about how the E-Power Energy founder is a con man. I hope she can get out of this mess as well.”

Social media analyst Oliver Ristcomb believes that Spears will eventually give up on the endeavor on her own.

“Britney was under harsh social media restrictions for a long time. She’s finally free to do what other single mothers her age do online,” said Ristcomb. “And I’m afraid things will get worse before they get any better. It might be best to just mute Britney online if you notice she starts communicating with ‘Yoga moms’ about their vaccine opinions. I’m happy that she’s finally free, but someone needs to help her navigate the awful internet landscape.”

Supporters of Spears grew even more concerned after seeing her respond positively to an Instagram comment about converting her cash to crypto.

Friend Who Never Left Hometown Honestly Looks Like He’s Doing Pretty Well for Himself

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

WEST HAVEN, Conn. — Local man Nick Gransby is doing surprisingly well for himself with a loving family and fulfilling career, despite having never left his hometown, confirmed multiple insecure sources looking for reasons to hate him.

“I’m just a simple guy. When I was a young man I realized I had everything I needed right here in West Haven,” said Gransby. “I didn’t need to live in some rundown apartment in New York for a few years or try to ‘make it’ in LA. I met the love of my life when I was 16 and we settled down two blocks from the house where I grew up. The local bar even knows my order on boy’s night when we all roll up together to shoot some pool and talk about the next school board meeting. Honestly, this is heaven to me.”

Despite Gransby’s satisfaction, former classmate Jared Khali doesn’t agree with his lifestyle, and feels sorry for Gransby for all of the finer things in life he’s missing out on.

“He has no idea what he was missing,” said Khali, a 38-year-old out-of-work screenwriter with six roommates. “Just last week I was doing key-bumps in a bathroom stall with the bassist from WhoreShitter until like 2 in the morning. These are the wild times Nick is missing. The dude probably has to do yard work all the time, and everyone at the Home Depot knows him by name. I’m so tempted to invite him to the huge party I’m throwing to trash my apartment before we get evicted, but the stiff will probably make up some excuse about his having to go to his daughter’s dance recital. Kind of pathetic.”

Sociologist Tracy Hullinger weighs in on the pros and cons of a person staying close to their roots.

“People like Nick are a rare breed in the sense that they don’t feel like they’re missing out on anything,” she said. “All guys like him need is their family, the classic rock station, some good beer, and a household project to work on. Guys like Jared will wait in line for three hours to get an Instagram photo of an ice cream cone for whoever they’re dating that week. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with either way of life, but the ones who are the loudest seem pretty hellbent on never owning property.”

At press time, Gransby was seen happily mowing his lawn wearing a Nirvana shirt from Target, while Khali was in the middle of a heated house meeting over who ate his last hotdog.

Five Office Holiday Party Ideas That Don’t Hold a Candle To Letting Your Employees Just Go the Fuck Home

Posted on by Zach Raffio

Tis’ the season! The season for structured corporate fun, that is. Do you have to plan an office holiday shindig but you’re sick of the same ol’ wine, cheese, and Mariah Carey hullabaloo? We’ve got you covered. Here are five fun, inventive office holiday party ideas that don’t even hold a candle to just letting your employees go the fuck home instead.

Costume party!
Who says the holidays can’t get a little silly? See who can bust out the best holiday garb with a lighthearted costume shindig. Ya know, even though the actual outfit your employees want to put on is a pair of sweatpants and that really soft Paramore shirt from 2009 as they sit on their couch. Far, far away from you.

Murder mystery!
A holiday-themed murder with a killer on the loose! This holiday party will provide your employees with a thought-provoking celebration that will undoubtedly have them planning your actual murder. I mean, could a life sentence really be worse than having to spend extra time with Dylan aka “the Dyll Man” from operations?

Dancing!
Let’s leave the office and bring your staff out for a rowdy night of drinks and dancing. There’s nothing people love more than not getting to choose the music they listen to while standing in a crowded, loud room after eight hours of selling their time to your company for pennies on the hour.

Ice Skating!
Instead of using the holiday season to spend extra time with their loved ones, give your employees the chance to sprain their ankle! Life is short. Let’s waste it on an event nobody actually wants to attend.

A Quaint, Sit-down Dinner!
Let’s strip away the fanfare and bring the gang together for a sensible, relaxing meal. Good wine, nice conversation, and low pressure. Nothing flashy. It’ll be nice to see each other outside the confines of the- holy fuck this is horrible. I can’t even pretend. Just fucking let us go home! Why would anyone want this? I hate you.! And I especially hate you, Dyll Man. Fuck yourself with a candy cane.

See you Monday!

Girlfriend Warns Punk Meeting Her Parents Not to Mention Any Aspect of His Life

Posted on by Brendan Krick

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Local woman Brittany Mullins instructed her punk boyfriend Miles Blanchard not to mention his job, band, car, hobbies, drinking habit, religious views, or any other aspect of his life when he meets her parents this weekend, sources close to the couple confirmed.

“I love Miles and I love all of his stories, like the time he managed to throw up in the pit of an Iron Reagan show and the puke stream was so powerful it rocketed on stage and knocked over one of the drummer’s cymbals, but I’m not sure my parents are going to find that anecdote ‘charming,’” stated Mullins as she looked for a clean pair of pants to dress Blanchard in. “I started making a list of topics for him to avoid, but it was so long I made a list of things he’s allowed to talk about instead. And that list is basically just different types of bread.”

“Not gonna lie, I’m pretty nervous about this,” stated Blanchard, examining a stack of index cards. “I’ve been practicing fake heart attacks for the last month, if things go south I’ll just pretend I’m dying to change the subject.”

Mullins’ father Todd reportedly liked Blanchard but found him confusing.

“I like this boy, but I think he may have a neurological disorder of some kind. Every time I tried asking him a question he just sort of mumbled then put his head down on the table,” reported Mr. Mullins. “And I’ve never seen someone so sweaty in my life. Honestly, he seems sort of boring. When I was his age, I had all kinds of cool stories like the time I shoplifted an entire forklift from Walmart and crashed it into the river. This guy’s a bit of a stick in the mud.”

Family counselor Edward Luksic says that young couples often have to hide their true selves in front of parents.

“We live in very contentious times. Families are being torn apart in the current political climate, and lots of young people are faced with a serious dilemma; stand up for their morals or speak their truth and be written out of the will,” said Luksic. “A person will often choose to hide the anarchist views they share with their partner in order for their parents to continue to pay for their phone bill and car insurance.”

At press time, Blanchard was spotted hiding in the parking garage, practicing a fictional prepared anecdote about a season finale viewing party of “The Bachelor.”

Tragic: This Dad Went Out for a Pack of Cigarettes and Came Right Back

Posted on by Dom Turek

Tragedy struck a local family when a husband and father of three selfishly decided to go out for a pack of cigarettes and return 20 minutes later, according to his heartbroken wife and children.

“How could he do this to us?” asked Michelle Wainwright of her husband, Earl Wainwright, blinking back tears. “Does he have any idea how hard it’s going to be raising three boys with a man around the house? Who’s going to teach them about the birds and the bees, or how to ride a bike with him still in the picture screaming drunken obscenities at the TV? Our youngest is going to be crushed when he finds out. His dad was his antihero.”

Having little more to offer than unsolicited comments on his wife’s weight and the occasional earth-shattering belch, Earl’s family has been anxiously awaiting his mysterious disappearance for years.

“It’s like you never really know someone,” said Lawrence Wainwright, the family’s eldest child. “Not in a million years did I expect my dad to leave the house for a pack of cigarettes and come right back, day after day, for my whole life. The fact he opted to watch a Cleveland Browns game on the night I was born instead of being at the hospital tells you everything you need to know about him. Our neighbor had to cut my umbilical cord.”

Middle school teacher Sheryl Horn was shocked to learn the boys even had a father, citing that the Wainwright children never included a dad in any class drawings of their family.

“I see this all the time with my students,” said Horn. “Fathers go out for a pack of cigarettes and come back so they can neglect their children in person. This does major damage to the family and creates lifelong attachment issues. If only some men had the common decency to leave their house under the guise of running a quick errand and instead skip town, change their phone number and marry a woman 30 years younger than them, these kids might stand a chance.”

At press time, Earl was seen returning home after he went out for a carton of milk.

Metal-Themed Pizza Shop’s Stickers Disproportionately Better Than Their Pizza

Posted on by Michael Gursky

DENVER — Customers of local hotspot SlashCheese, a metal-themed pizza shop with a fittingly grungy exterior and blaring metal playing constantly, reported that the graphic designs on SlashCheese’s ever-evolving selection of stickers far outweigh the quality of their pizza.

“Everybody who comes in the shop comments on how dope our stickers are,” boasted SlashCheese owner Tanner Wilkins, a part-time drummer for the band Rodent Feast with no background in Italian cuisine. “My friend Daryl does the artwork. Goblins and warlocks eating pizza and shit. Like ‘Garbage Pail Kids’ meets ‘Magic The Gathering,’ that’s been our vision. Customers stop in weekly just to see if we have any new stickers out. It forces me to question why our Yelp reviews are so negative. One guy said, ‘The place has a great atmosphere, tons of vintage skateboards on the wall, the stickers are sick, but I’d rather suck my grandmother’s foot than eat that fuckin’ pizza again.’”

Repeat customers stop in weekly to stockpile a new assortment of SlashCheese stickers and typically try to leave before being forced to order a slice.

“The designs are fuego! I have Nalgenes covered in ‘em. Equipment cases. Some of their older stickers are just sitting around my apartment to patch holes in the wall,” said Harrison, a local stoner and aspiring noise musician. “I tend to avoid their pizza, which looks like someone crushed a rose-budding butthole with a shovel and then microwaved it. The sauce is like expired Prego mixed with afterbirth, and that’s on a good day. I’d be scared to try their vegan slice, I’d probably end up with dysentery. Great people, though, love SlashCheese.”

Foodies and critics, like traveling food blogger Missy Crystal, had harsher words to say about the pizza in question.

“Brick oven goat shit, with a hint of vomit,” served as her most concise, oddly specific summation. “I did enjoy the rough dynamic of their promotional material, but their pizza? It’s not Digiorno, it’s dick cheese on soup kitchen bread. It was like eating period blood on plastic wrap in one of Freddy Krueger’s revolting nightmare scenarios. SlashCheese is doing the stickers right though. I took a few of the stickers with a red-eyed pegasus sucking off a breadstick dick.”

At press time, rumors of SlashCheese adding calzones to their menu resulted in the Colorado National Guard being called in to prevent the establishment from ruining the cuisine forever.

You’d Think the Tragic Death of Our Teammate Would Be the Perfect Rallying Point To Get Us To Win the Big Game, but Here We Are

Posted on by Ryan Danley

We lost our star wide receiver Brandon Little in a terrible accident earlier this month, and the team was in a bad place. We had the big game coming up against Jefferson, and we didn’t know how we were going to go on. But then Coach sat us down before the game and told us that as long as we knew Brandon was out on the field with us, we were unstoppable. We all cheered and knew Brandon was watching over us, giving us the strength to beat any team.

We all chanted ‘BRANDON” before we hit the field and were ready to take on the world! And then we got dicks put in the fucking dirt.

At first, I thought we just hadn’t gotten used to the idea of using our dead friend’s memory as a football strategy, and that we would come around at some point. But the first time I carried the ball a Jefferson offensive lineman hit me so hard that I wondered if Brandon was really looking down at us.

If I’m being honest the concussion I received kind of made me forget about Brandon for a minute. It’s almost like he jumped off that roof super drunk and didn’t quite make the pool for nothing.

The rest of the team struggled to find their inner Brandon as well. Dakota has never been the fastest guy, but I was hoping the Brandon factor would give him a step or two. Nope. He couldn’t buy a first down. It probably didn’t help that Brandon had slept with our QB’s girlfriend before he died. If that were me, I would have thrown 6 interceptions too.

At the end of the game, we lost by forty points. Even Coach bringing Brandon’s game jersey at half-time did nothing. It’s almost like he should have spent that time coming up with a new offensive strategy rather than searching for some motivational prop. I’m not sure why it didn’t work. Maybe it was because Brandon had drawn dicks on our faces with a Sharpie every time we slept on the bus.

Or maybe it was God.

Brandon, if you were out there with us, sorry for how disappointed you must feel. Now I guess it’s plan B, using the memory of this crushing defeat as motivation to get a high score on my SAT.

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