We lost our star wide receiver Brandon Little in a terrible accident earlier this month, and the team was in a bad place. We had the big game coming up against Jefferson, and we didn’t know how we were going to go on. But then Coach sat us down before the game and told us that as long as we knew Brandon was out on the field with us, we were unstoppable. We all cheered and knew Brandon was watching over us, giving us the strength to beat any team.
We all chanted ‘BRANDON” before we hit the field and were ready to take on the world! And then we got dicks put in the fucking dirt.
At first, I thought we just hadn’t gotten used to the idea of using our dead friend’s memory as a football strategy, and that we would come around at some point. But the first time I carried the ball a Jefferson offensive lineman hit me so hard that I wondered if Brandon was really looking down at us.
If I’m being honest the concussion I received kind of made me forget about Brandon for a minute. It’s almost like he jumped off that roof super drunk and didn’t quite make the pool for nothing.
The rest of the team struggled to find their inner Brandon as well. Dakota has never been the fastest guy, but I was hoping the Brandon factor would give him a step or two. Nope. He couldn’t buy a first down. It probably didn’t help that Brandon had slept with our QB’s girlfriend before he died. If that were me, I would have thrown 6 interceptions too.
At the end of the game, we lost by forty points. Even Coach bringing Brandon’s game jersey at half-time did nothing. It’s almost like he should have spent that time coming up with a new offensive strategy rather than searching for some motivational prop. I’m not sure why it didn’t work. Maybe it was because Brandon had drawn dicks on our faces with a Sharpie every time we slept on the bus.
Or maybe it was God.
Brandon, if you were out there with us, sorry for how disappointed you must feel. Now I guess it’s plan B, using the memory of this crushing defeat as motivation to get a high score on my SAT.
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — Legendary rock band Weezer surprised audiences at this past weekend’s Ugly Sweater Festival when their set consisted entirely of ironic versions of their own songs, confirmed multiple sources who had no idea what to make of it.
“Look, this is what the band thought would be best,” said frontman/guitarist River Cuomo during a brief break. “And by that I mean I decided that we’re only going to do our own songs if we can make fun of them and walk a very thin line between glibness and genuine appreciation of our own past success. Since we did that Toto song, we realized all our fans just want us to be like a disingenuous throwback to the days when being sincere was the worst thing you could be. And you know what? We’ll take it. By which I mean, I’ll take it.”
“Okay, back to being a ‘rock star,’ I guess or whatever,” Cuomo said.
Chet Maroney, a self-proclaimed die-hard fan at the show, was confused by the performance.
“I’ve been to about 75 Weezer concerts and I’ve been really excited to get back to seeing them live again,” said Maroney. “Especially now that they’re having this career revival doing covers of Metallica and calling an album ‘Van Weezer’ for some reason. But they kept introducing their own songs with air quotes, and when Rivers Cuomo did a guitar solo, he did this exaggeratedly goofy face, even though it was just the exact solo from ‘Pork and Beans.’ I figured it would be just a straight run-through of greatest hits and maybe some shit-talking about Fall Out Boy. But every single song so far has had this weird attitude, like they’re too good to play a Weezer song. Or maybe that they like them a lot? I dunno.”
Behavioral therapist Dr. Martha Carter understood fans’ bewilderment.
“The deep-seated self-loathing of your average Weezer fan is nothing compared to that of every member of the band,” said Dr. Carter. “Can you imagine having to go up on stage and sincerely sing songs about Buddy Holly that you wrote almost 30 years ago? They have to be constantly reevaluating everything they ever wrote. Most of the songs of ‘Pinkerton’ are highly suspect. Man, it’s hard to know what to think about them.”
Weezer ended the set by bringing founding guitarist Jason Cropper on stage to ridicule him for his substantially smaller bank account balance.
HURSTBOURNE, Ky — Local technophile Dean Espinosa made yet another fucking pencil holder after needlessly blowing $10,000 on a 3D printer, frustrated familial sources confirmed.
“I’ve always been an early adopter and I wanted to be on the cutting edge of this revolution in consumer goods,” said Espinosa. “But I gotta be honest. While I knew it would take time for 3D printing to reach its full potential, I figured that after six months or so I’d be printing out full-sized luxury sedans and four-course meals of braised duck with all the fixins. But the majority of print designs right now are just bullshit tchotchkes and pencil holders. I thought about trying to sell these on Etsy, but one of their customer service reps said they wouldn’t list them because they are ‘too pointless.’”
Although still supportive, girlfriend Abbie Sadler has grown frustrated by Espinosa’s commitment.
“It was kind of cool, I guess. I had no idea we needed a pencil holder, but there we were eight hours later with a fresh one. We didn’t even have a pencil to test it out, it finished printing at 2 a.m. so we had to wait until the Walmart opened and ended up buying some dumb jumbo pack of 600 pencils. I really don’t like the direction we are heading,” said Sadler. “He can call them whatever he wants, desk organizers, pen mugs, writing implement coffers, but it’s all just pencil holders, man. Super glad we sunk that money into this crap instead of crypto like I wanted.”
Still, others believe that there are more sinister forces behind the glut of pencil holder 3D designs.
“You ever wonder why pencil holders are pretty much all that’s out there? Like, really wonder, man? It’s not ‘cause the technology is in its infancy and currently limited by cost of production. It’s ‘cause they’re all in the pocket of Big Pencil, man,” explained an online conspiracy theorist known only as Lead Throat. “They just want us to be churning out baby Yoda pencil holders like the good little sheep we are. But I see through the lies, man. And this thing goes right to the top. Dixon Ticonderoga, Cretacolor, and even those heartless bastards at Crayola are all in on it. I’ve already said too much.”
At press time, Espinosa was doubling down on his initial investment by spending an additional $3,200 on filament, while Lead Throat was found dead with seven medium-point mechanical pencils in the back of his skull. Authorities have already ruled his death a suicide.
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Forty-two-year-old heavy metal fanatic Jason Higgins shocked bar patrons earlier this week by ordering a Jack Daniel’s Whiskey and cola with the specific caveat that the soda be diet and with no caffeine, a veteran bartender reported.
“Look, I know I am not getting any younger. There is some grey in my 10-inch-long goatee and my health isn’t what it once was so I had to make some lifestyle changes,” the jaundiced-looking Higgins said while drinking his fifth Jack and Caffeine-Free-Diet-Coke of the evening. “While the ladies seem to dig the beer gut under my leather vest, my doctor told me I can’t keep going the way I had been for decades. I decided to make some hard sacrifices; so caffeine is out and I’m going to watch my weight. I’m sticking with the Jack though, we all need a little cheat, right?”
Higgins’ friends however see this as a betrayal to their ethos and culture.
“I literally fell off my barstool when he ordered that drink, and not just because I was drunk. I remember a Jason who wanted to live fast, die young, and leave a corpse that looks like beef jerky,” friend Felix “Casket” Mason said while waiting for his dealer. “I remember once we drove all the way to Philly just to see Exodus and all we had the entire trip was J&B scotch and generic brand cheese balls. I didn’t take a shit for three weeks after that trip, and when I finally did it was so big and hard it broke my toilet. Anyway, I hope his sudden health kick doesn’t last because I just got a job at the deli and I’m going to have tons of free meat.”
Doctors are noticing a trend in the metal community of choosing the lesser of two evils in an effort to get healthy.
“Whenever I get a metalhead or a punk in my office pushing forty I tell them they have to stop partying so much but instead they will give up Taco Bell, but they keep huffing paint,” said Primary Care Physician Dianne Vargas, MD. “They will be going into liver failure and tell me that they will start going for walks, or brushing their teeth more. The one thing they shouldn’t do is push their hearts even harder but they tell me that mediation is for hippies.”
Following a night of hard-drinking, Higgins announced that he will also be switching to menthols after losing feeling in his left arm.
You probably thought that starting your own YouTube show dedicated to your favorite nerdom would be fun, but by now the curse has surely taken hold. You’ve probably realized you’re no longer capable of so much as ordering a cup of coffee without sounding like you’re hosting “The Toys That Made Us” or some bullshit.
It is as if there is a portrait of you somewhere that grows to hate how obnoxious you sound, while the rest of you keeps repeating “like and subscribe” with a shit-eating grin on your face. If left unchecked your condition will only get worse. One day you’ll try to give a struggling friend sincere advice but all that will come out is a chronological kill count to the Child’s Play franchise.
Eventually, your condition will escalate to the point where you won’t be able to say “I love you” to your partner without sounding like you’re reading copy for a mattress commercial, but there is hope.
Sing Whatever You Want To Say
An old speech therapy trick. The act of singing uses a different part of the brain than talking, so maybe it can bypass the part of yourself that sounds like a complete tool.
Take A Look At Your Views
Are the majority of them just you re-watching your own video? Right, so, maybe tone it down.
Look In The Mirror
Is that Casey Kasem looking back at you? Or that guy who hosted The Love Connection? No? Then why the fuck are you talking like that?! Stop talking like that.
Try A Honey Lemon Tea, But Put A Bunch Of Sand In It
It’s truly amazing how soothing tea with honey and lemon can be on the throat, but it’s no match for a bunch of sand. Try telling me everything wrong with Rogue One: A Star Wars Story now asshole.
Just Don’t Talk Anymore
Just shut the fuck up dude. Who the fuck cares? Just shut up.
SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Dominick Campbell exited a port-o-potty he described as a “crime scene level disaster” and gave a wild-eyed expression to the next poor soul in line, confirmed multiple witnesses reconsidering their bathroom options.
“I served four years as an army medic overseas so I thought I had seen it all, but that blue booth of doom rocked me to my core,” said Campbell, while laying down next to the medical tent in hopes of recovering from what he saw. “I tried to warn the next woman in line, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. I tried my best to communicate to her that peeing her pants was a safer and more hygienic option, but I couldn’t stick around any longer. I hope she made the right decision.”
Stephanie Clark, 23, a film major at UC Berkeley who attended the concert with her boyfriend, was the recipient of the ill-fated look.
“It was terrifying,” said Clark. “My boyfriend and I were standing in line and this guy comes out of the port-a-potty and it looked like he had seen a ghost, but like if the ghost was covered in shit and had no toilet paper. Something went down in there, something unnatural. I’m not sure if we’ll ever know because I was too scared to go in. When I close my eyes at night I still see the look that man gave me. It haunts my dreams, I just hope he’s ok.”
Leland Lawson, a groundskeeper at Golden Gate Park working the event, felt obligated to step into action after multiple reports of the port-o-potty traumatizing guests.
“There is often a culture of silence that surrounds public bathrooms at festivals,” said Lawson, raking up leaves and beer cans. “Most people exit the shitter and just look at the ground, too ashamed to look at another human. But even this was too much for the crowd. I took one look inside and knew I was up against something truly evil. I put some police tape around the toilet, said a silent prayer, and I plan on lighting it all on fire tonight and sending it back to hell.”
At press time, Campbell was seen hiding under his bed after noticing a port-a-potty left at a construction site across the street from his house.
With Thanksgiving later this week, many of us will be spending time with family members we don’t see very often. Avoid these 12 conversation topics to make sure you have an enjoyable Holiday weekend.
Vaccination Status
By the time Thanksgiving arrives, most adults will either be vaccinated or dead. If someone at your dinner table is neither, they are living on borrowed time. So best not to ask unless you’re prepared for tearful goodbyes before pumpkin pie.
The Ending of Squid Game
It turns out there’s nothing really that controversial about a show full of murderous murdering murderers murdering at will unless it ends with someone who wasn’t murdered vowing to stop the murderers from murdering more murder victims. The ending has been divisive because fans who love murder wanted more murdering. Anyway, this is a topic to avoid because trying to prevent innocent people from being murdered really isn’t in the true spirit of Thanksgiving.
Your Dad’s Other Family That You Only Recently Learned Exists
They probably won’t be at your house, and it’s rude to talk about other people behind their backs. Besides, if your dad isn’t spending Thanksgiving with them, he loves you more. Don’t be so insecure.
The Creature in Midnight Mass
This supernatural being drinks human blood, avoids sunlight, and flies around with giant fucking bat wings, but fans of Mike Flanagan’s latest seem to be caught up in a debate about whether this killing machine is an angel or a vampire. That’s dumb because no one in the show ever actually says “vampire,” so by process of elimination he’s an angel. If you still need to talk about this, maybe try sitting at the kid’s table.
Whatever Happened To That Hitchhiker Your Mom Hit With The Family Car
Nothing can dampen the holiday mood like bringing up family trauma that everyone tries so hard to suppress with their various maladaptive coping mechanisms. Besides, criminal homicide has no statute of limitations and you don’t want to get charged as an accessory. Try asking Grandma how she gets her mashed potatoes so light and fluffy instead.
Rush Limbaugh
While Thanksgiving is certainly a time to reflect on the year’s events and think about what you should really be thankful for, some topics have been known to make people nauseous which can spoil an otherwise appetizing meal.
Who Would Play Jamie Spears If He Was a Character in Handmaid’s Tale
Who would actually want the role of one of the worst people on a show already full of really awful characters? Hypotheticals this extreme make for boring conversation. But if someone insists on talking about it, Mel Gibson could probably pull it off quite well.
Why Your Grandma Won’t Let Anyone Try One Of Those DNA Tests For Ethnicity And Genealogy
This topic will either result in feeling shame when your grandma inevitably says something racist, or start a really awkward exchange about how serial killers can get caught if their family members submit their own DNA for these things. Probably better to just let her ramble about your family being from whatever country she’s into lately despite the lack of evidence.
Ted Lasso
Seeing as how this conversation always inevitably leads to someone saying “what’s Apple TV?” and then asking for your login (which you’ve already stolen from your ex) it’s best to just keep your mouth shut here.
How You Want To Be Cremated Instead of Buried
This always starts fights because it invites relatives to make blockheaded jokes about how finishing a fifth of scotch before dinner means you might have a drinking problem. Expect inane little one-liners like, “I’m sure your body won’t have any problems igniting,” or “if you decide to get buried you probably won’t need to be embalmed.” And word to the wise, retorts like “I only need to drink this way around you” can result in treatment center referrals.
Your Band
Your family has never come out to see you play, and they’re never going to. So just drop it, and bring it up in therapy if you really need to.
Cocaine
Total faux pas to mention it unless you brought enough for everyone. On the other hand, holding that much blow makes you look like a showoff, and your family will assume that you’re bringing more at Christmas. Don’t set yourself up for disappointing them again.
SEATTLE — Newly engaged couple Daryl Stein and Hannah West are absolutely livid that their celebratory post got significantly less likes than their friend’s post announcing they rescued a dog, sources close to the bitter couple confirmed.
“They’re always pulling this shit,” said West after blowing off steam by stabbing a pillow with a pair of scissors. “It started with little things when we all lived in the same apartment building. We would tell everyone in the building we were having a Christmas party, then those pricks would also throw a Christmas party around the same time. They acted like it was no big deal too. Things got even worse when they got engaged. I volunteered to do some of my mime work at their reception and they had the nerve to say no. Now they think they are lords of the internet because they rescued some stupid dog that was about to be euthanized.”
In a concerted effort to clear things up, Will and Cassandra Roberts claimed their dog adoption was in no way influenced by Stein and West’s engagement.
“They just kind of… blow things out of proportion,” said Roberts as he tossed a tennis ball to his new dog Eddy. “Before COVID Cassandra and I took an Uber home from a friend’s birthday party because it was getting late, and Hannah told everybody that we left them for dead in the city without a ride. We didn’t even know they were at the party.”
Social Media Expert Gerard Tisdale weighed in on why some people have more successful posts on the platform of their choosing.
“Honestly, it’s a one-to-one ratio on how liked you are in real life. Daryl and Hannah seem like they will hold an intense grudge over any perceived slight,” said Tisdale. “Imagine one of them loaning you a quarter for the parking meter, and then bringing it up six months later that you never paid them back. It gets old quickly, and people start to tune it out. Conversely, the Roberts couple seem to live in the moment, and often volunteer to feed their friend’s cats when they go out of town for a few days. It’s no surprise who is more popular.”
At press time, the bitter couple was paying to boost a picture from date night to their followers, while Eddy the dog went viral on Tik Tok for rescuing a drowning child at the park.
BOSTON — Local landlord Viktor Lind used his precious time and resources to add a fresh coat of paint to a dead mouse in the closet of his two-bedroom rental unit on Linden Street in Allston, confirmed new tenants who are also wondering if the heater works.
“Look, landlords are under attack right now. I’m barely making ends meet and government fat cats are making it so tenants are more entitled than ever before,” said Lind, while double-checking that all the windows in the apartment are unable to open. “I get calls day and night from these leeches demanding I ‘fix the broken lock on their front door, replace this gas leak in the stove, or ensure there’s running water’–I don’t run a freaking Club Med! ”
Duante Suarez says Lind promised to make small fixes to the unit before the move-in day, none of which happened.
“After I signed the lease I was told the apartment would be professionally cleaned and repainted. It looks like someone strapped a paint roller to a dog and had him run around the apartment. He was nice enough to paint over every outlet and a few dead rodents,” said Suarez, setting up a bed bug trap next to his freshly-unpacked headboard. “The landlord didn’t reply to any of my calls or messages until I texted him I was going to call the Board of Health today for a safety inspection. Five minutes later he was outside the building with 10 cans of spray paint and a dingy mop, cursing under his breath.”
A local exterminator Gerald Howe says he used to frequent the building added that he hasn’t been contacted since Lind bought the property last year.
“My company used to bait and bomb that place almost monthly–the walls are filled with more skeletons than that elephant graveyard in ‘The Lion King,’” said Howe, shivering. “But one day that cheap-ass landlord told us our prices were too high and he could handle it all himself, and that’s the last we heard from him. I did see him recently in the checkout line at Home Depot buying a five-gallon bucket of rat poison that was about to be recalled by the government.”
At press time, Lind was quietly updating the lease agreements for his apartments to say that all rodents found within units would be subject to a $25 per month pet fee.
Hey there, new meat. First mosh pit? No? Well that’s not what it looks like to me, a mosh pit veteran. What kind of technique is that? You look like you want to jump in on some double dutch but you’re too scared. Damn, I know so much more about moshing than you. And thanks to all the head trauma I’ve endured, I’m fairly certain I’ve forgotten more about moshing than you’ll ever learn.
I’ve been going to shows as far back as I can remember, which at this point is about two hours. My life is like the movie “Memento” but with less helpful tattoos. I’ve learned everything there is to know about moshing, except for the things that have seemed to fall out of my head for some reason. Maybe you should spend some time at this show looking around the floor of the pit for some of that knowledge I dropped. And while you’re down there could you help me find my glasses? I need to find them so I can smash them on your poser face.
What pits do you know? I know all the pits. Push pits, circle pits, punch pits, Sarlacc pits. You name the pit and I can tell you the exact moment I got concussed in it. Not from memory. I have all my hospital bracelets at home next to my show fliers and ticket stubs.
Your entire show etiquette is horrible! You’re crowd surfing with your shoes on? That’s how people like me get kicked in the head, causing us to forget that we’re not supposed to wear shoes while crowd surfing, leading us to kick more people in the head, continuing the cycle. Ignorance is an epidemic and you’re patient zero. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go all Chris Benoit on this pit.
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