The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Who Didn’t Get Concert Tickets Insured Comes Home to Find Them Murdered

Posted on November 27, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local live music fan Rocco McMillan reportedly came home to find his tickets to an upcoming Every Time I Die show murdered after forgoing Ticketmaster’s insurance option, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I’ll never forget the night I came home and found the tickets lying on the bedroom floor covered in blood,” McMillan explained. “You just don’t think something like this will ever happen to your tickets. The worst part is that the authorities suspected I was involved with the murder. They claimed I was looking for a way out of going to the show, that I just wanted to have a quiet night at home and felt burdened by the thought of going out. They didn’t understand that I loved those tickets, I even wanted to see the opening band. I was going to keep their stubs and show them off to all my future tickets.”

Friends of McMillan are still searching for answers.

“I also died a little the night those tickets were murdered. One of those tickets was mine and I wasn’t able to go to the show. It was completely sold out and the corpse of my ticket was not valid at the box office,” said Enzo Capaldi. “The whole situation is a bit suspicious to me. Rocco says he was on a date the night the tickets were killed, but I know for a fact he hasn’t talked to a woman in almost two years. I don’t know who is telling the truth, but I want justice for my ticket, or at least I want my $24 back.”

A representative from Ticketmaster denied involvement with tickets grizzly murder.

“Did Ticketmaster send a couple of goons to this guy’s house to rough up some tickets because this clown didn’t want to pay just a few more dollars to get them insured? No, of course not. But maybe… they got what was coming to them, huh? Fuck around and find out, right?” said the anonymous Ticketmaster representative. “I just hope this unpredictable tragedy can be a lesson to everyone out there to show some respect to Ticketmaster. You kick up a little fee and pay for protection. That’s the way the fuckin system works!”

At press time, McMillan tried to get around the issue by purchasing tickets to a different show without insurance and having the QR code sent to his phone, but when he opened up the Ticketmaster app, his phone exploded, killing him instantly.

If God Loves Me, Why Did He Give Me Copies of Mötley Crüe’s “Dr. Feelgood” Instead of Hands?

Posted on November 27, 2021 by Rachel Steele

Supposedly, God is full of such benevolent, unconditional love that he created the universe and mankind in His image. They say He loves all His creations, but if that’s true, then why do I have Motley Crüe’s “Dr. Feelgood” instead of hands?

If God’s love is eternal, then why can’t I hold my wife or embrace my daughter? What kind of cruel God punishes one of his creations in such a way? Maybe this is punishment for humankind’s hatred of the Lord or something, but I don’t see why he needs to take it out on me alone!

People ask me to perform the simplest tasks for them, but then they look at me in horror upon remembering that I have copies of Mötley Crüe’s “Dr. Feelgood” instead of hands.

My coworkers love to give me grief during presentations. They laugh and whisper when I try to operate the laser-pointer. I’ve been assigned coffee duty for three months now. I can’t even write down people’s orders, let alone carry them through the door. They point and laugh at me when the drinks topple out of my hands and onto the floor. I feel alone in my struggles, but when I walk through the sand, and I only see one pair of footsteps, I know it’s because Nikki Sixx carried me. Jesus left me a long, long time ago.

I ask God every day to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, but it’s so hard when your own mother says “Let’s all give Dr. Feelgood a big hand,” every time you drop another plate in the kitchen.

Most people think I can easily satisfy my wife in bed since I have the greatest album from the most sexual, raunchy, orgasm-inducing hair metal band where my hands should be. I ask these people, “Do you even hear yourself?” I don’t even like Mötley Crüe, who even listens to them anymore? My wife’s love comes in spite of, not because of, these “sick ass hands bro.”

It’s bad enough that I’m forever cursed with never being able to clap at my daughter’s dance recital, but it’s also hard being living proof that the creator of the universe gets off to hair metal and probably cruises around heaven in a van with a wizard painted on it.

When you have two copies of “Dr. Feelgood” instead of hands, it’s hard to know what people’s motives are. My best friend of 16 years asked me to not only be the best man at his wedding, but also to sing at the reception. I approached the stage, handed a backing track to the DJ, and opened my mouth to sing, but then I was booed off the stage when the music for “The Way You Look Tonight” started playing. My best friend shouted, “We wanted ‘Kickstart My Heart,’ asshole!”

It’s not easy living life cursed by a dudebro God, but my life isn’t so different from yours. I put my pants on one leg at a time; spitefully and with a lot of difficulty, just like everyone else.

Spotify’s “Essential 2000s Pop-Punk Playlist” Not Allowed Within 100 Feet of Schools

Posted on November 27, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — A seemingly innocuous Spotify pop-punk playlist was ordered by a judge at the Los Angeles superior court to stay at least 100 feet from all schools and parks, confirmed lawyers for the streaming giant.

“This ‘essential’ playlist is nothing more than a laundry list of sex offenders spewing one-sided accounts of awful relationships in hopes an impressionable teenager will take pity on them. Sometimes they sing about their hometown being awful, but it’s mainly about grooming young women,” said Judge Leon Foster in his chambers. “For the safety of the community I had to set these restrictions. If that collection of songs is allowed to take hold in our schools then we might see a resurgence in ‘Myspace’ style hair and chunky pink Etnies shoes. I’m just glad we live in a world where LiveJournal is no longer a menace to our kids.”

Fans of the playlist immediately jumped to its defense and claimed this was government overreach.

“We need to separate the art from the artists here. Yes, every single band on this list has had to kick out at least one member because they had an inappropriate relationship with underage girls, but that doesn’t mean we should silence their songs about how you shouldn’t listen to your parents,” said 33-year-old pop-punk fan Andy Mitson. “This is a slippery slope. If things keep heading in this direction then soon pop-punk bands will only be able to play 21+ shows. That will be the death of the genre. Apparently this judge has never heard of age of consent laws, or long-awaited reunion shows.”

Spotify representatives were quick to comply with the new ruling.

“Customer safety is our number one priority. Thanks to the GPS setting in our app, we are able to mute the pop-punk playlist anytime someone listening gets too close to a school and instead start streaming the latest episode of Spotify original ‘The Michelle Obama Podcast,’” said Spotify Chief Human Resources Officer Katarina Berg. “In addition, anyone whose ‘Year-End Wrap’ contains more than 63% of questionable bands will be temporarily canceled.”

At press time, the “Best of Warped Tour” playlist was removed from the platform after dozens of women came forward saying the collection of songs solicited inappropriate photos of them when they were 16.

Urban Dictionary Name Meme Reveals Oddly Specific Details About How, When You’ll Die

Posted on November 26, 2021 by Dianne Nora

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Participation in a popular Instagram trend led you to look up the Urban Dictionary definition of your name which revealed frighteningly specific details about your impending death, horrified friends and family confirmed.

“We started with my sister Claire first, and hers was like, ‘Clare is a nasty ass-goblin who loves eating trash,’ and we all laughed, because Claire is totally an ass-goblin,” you said, continually looking over your shoulder, ashen as if you’d just seen a ghost. “I have kind of a unique name, so I wasn’t even sure if I’d see it on there–like my name is never on keychains or anything. There was only one entry, but rather than saying like, ‘Oh, they’re so hot and everyone loves them,’ or, even something kinda snarky like, ‘They always hog the blunt,’ it had a very detailed description of the SUV that would crush me against a highway barrier, and the exact time it was going to happen.”

Your sister confirmed that the entry included specifics that could only have been included by someone who knew you intimately.

“One minute we were all laughing and now we are all totally freaked out,” Claire said, nervously refreshing the Urban Dictionary page in a vain hope that what it said might change. “I know I complain a lot about how he’s a pain in the ass and all, but I don’t want him to be writhing in painful agony for hours because emergency medical teams aren’t able to reach my brother because of a flaming gas tanker. That would totally suck. I was hoping he’d be in my wedding and shit. There’s no way I’m going to meet a decent guy and get engaged and plan a wedding before December 9th, when the post says he’s gonna die. I need at least until January or something.”

Amit Madden, a Senior Vice President at Urban Dictionary, says the company has no control over what people post.

“All of the content on our site is supplied by our users, and sometimes those users see God’s plan,” Madden explained. “If our users have an otherworldly insight which allows them to correctly identify the difference between ‘basic’ and ‘cheugy,’ or describe the sublime origin of ‘lemon party’ in exquisite detail, we cannot guarantee that they are incorrect regarding the specifics of your untimely demise. We help you navigate the modern world, but we are not liable if you’re no longer in it.”

At press time, a new meme was going viral in which users shared their social security number and rising sign for insights into their love lives in 2022.

Best Buy Black Friday Deal Includes Employees Paid Half of What They Should Make

Posted on November 26, 2021 by Bobby Korec

PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Best Buy’s nationwide Black Friday sale reportedly includes huge discounts on labor with their employees being paid half-off of what they should be earning, sources already exhausted from their second and third jobs reported.

“These particular half-off deals extend through the holiday weekend and then pretty much indefinitely after that,” said Best Buy CEO Corie Barry while wearing a “Back the Blue Polo” button. “Sure, the government could technically make us pay our employees more, but that would mean we would be forced to raise the prices of our 70-inch screen televisions out of spite. I hear a lot of people crowing about how we need to pay our employees more, but those activists don’t realize that every penny we pay to workers is a penny that comes out of the pockets of our most important board members. Our workers on the sales floor need to remember that yachts don’t pay for themselves. These board members often work up to seven hours a month and need to be compensated generously for their time.”

Employees of the consumer electronics retail giant voiced their frustrations over their stagnant wages.

“Not even time and a half pay makes up for the customer who spit in my face after I informed him we sold out of DVD players like 10 years ago,” said Best Buy employee Marc Gwinn before wishing his fellow employees the opposite of TGIF. “I mean, I got a minimal raise last year but at the same time my rent and groceries inexplicably went up in price, so technically I’m somehow earning less than when I started here. At this rate, I’ll be on unemployment despite being fully employed.”

Economists believe major businesses have a little more control over their employees’ financial situations than they’d like to admit.

“It’s entirely possible for big-time corporations to pay their retail workers more livable wages, but employers like to use the excuse that these are simple and unskilled jobs so they somehow deserve less,” said analyst Nancy Clearwater. “That clearly isn’t true though. You try working a day at an office populating emails with predefined language like ‘if not, no worries’ and typing various numbers into Excel, and you tell me which is more difficult. Obviously, the answer is working on the front line with the general public on Black Friday.”

At press time, Best Buy announced a $5 gift card Christmas bonus for each hard-working employee lucky enough not to get fired immediately after the holiday season.

I Support All Mom and Pop Stores except for My Family Business Because Fuck You Mom and Dad

Posted on November 26, 2021 by Eric Navarro

Large corporations are demon tanks running on pure capitalism, emotionlessly bulldozing all we have worked to build as a society. In this time more than ever, it is our duty as a people to take back our streets, our economy, and our businesses. This Black Friday, don’t go to a big chain store for your shopping/assault spree. Hell, even after this Friday we should stick to buying from independent “mom and pop” stores. Except for my family’s store because fuck my mom and dad for making me work tonight.

Mom and pop stores are essential to maintaining the American way of life. Sure, big chain stores like Walmart and Target are great when you need something cheap or in a pinch, but without independent options, our entire town’s economy and job market could end up revolving around these big businesses. We need to shop locally and independently. But if you see a sign for Johnston Family Coffee Co., don’t give them a fucking dollar. In fact, throw a brick through the goddamn window. Just try not to get any glass on me while I’m WORKING TONIGHT.

Oh, and they also took my sick-ass ripped-up jeans and tailored them into dumb long shorts. My parents are as evil as any corporation. They’re like the Waltons if the Waltons they were broke and had to shop at Walmart.

As a people, we need to draw a line in the sand stick to our guns. We need to say “no!” to supporting big businesses and my parents. We need to take back the power we’ve let slip through our fingers and put an end to this tyranny. No more monopolies! No more exploitation of labor! And most importantly no more making me work tonight, I had fucking plans with my friends, mom, GAWD!

Man Thankful That Customers Trampling Him to Get 74″ Samsung TV All Wearing Masks

Posted on November 26, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

GRESHAM, Ore. — Local bargain hunter Terry Hodges was relieved to discover that the writhing, chaotic mass of humanity trampling him in order to procure a premium HDTV this morning were all masked, the man confirmed while struggling for air.

“You know, it’s just nice to see people being responsible now that COVID numbers are starting to climb again,” said Hodges while his spine was being rearranged under the weight of the mob. “It’s tough to maintain social distance in crowds like this. It gave me some peace of mind to see that everyone threatening the store employees were wearing facial coverings. Now I just need to wait for the rush of people to stop so I can try to secure a surround sound setup and try to get help for my badly broken legs.”

Best Buy manager Pam Farmer was one of the few people to try to save Hodges, but ultimately had to back off.

“As soon as we opened the doors I saw him and a few dozen other people run up to our hand sanitizing station, and after he got a squirt of Purell he, unfortunately, tripped over a decorative mini Christmas tree and the crowd overwhelmed the front lobby of the store. He was lost after that point,” said Farmer while loading a shotgun in order to fire warning shots in the air. “I heard him screaming about online reservations, and a digital voucher while he was being trampled, but that stopped relatively quickly. I expect him to be full smashed into the carpet by the time the frenzy dies down.”

A spokesperson for Amazon believes the best way to stay safe from the virus is to avoid Black Friday sales and focus on Cyber Monday deals.

“Look, when you’re shopping at home the only thing you have to worry about is what you’re going to buy with all the money you save shopping,” said Amazon Director Edith W. Cooper. “Brick and mortar retailers are trying to get you killed. That mom and pop store in your cute little downtown area wants to give you COVID and they want to see you crushed by your neighbors while you fight over the last Harry Potter Lego playset because it’s free advertising for them. At Amazon; we care. Just tell Alexa what you need and never leave home again.”

At press time, EMTs were desperately trying to revive Hodges so store employees could enroll his battered carcass in the Best Buy rewards program.

Norwegian Metal Band Thoroughly Disappointed By First Black Friday Experience

Posted on November 26, 2021 by Matt McInerney

TAMPA, Fla. — Norwegian black metal band Emyn Arnen were seen wandering into a JCPenney store after spotting a prominent Black Friday sign in the parking lot, sources covering their first U.S. tour reported.

“We often celebrate the black end of weekdays in my homeland, a day to celebrate the suffering of black metallers that blazed the detritus before us,” said Guul, the band’s towering stoic frontman. “As we strayed deeper into the cacophonous stockpile of materialist insatiability, it became evident that this edifice shared no convictions with us. It was unmistakable that Emyn Arnen must make this abomination suffer.”

“15% off isn’t even that much on a small item, and then they have your electronic mail information forever. It’s a contract built on lies,” he added.

Shoppers watched a store employee sprint towards the band, as the four sleeveless men attempted to set fire to a pair of affordable pajamas with a single Zippo lighter.

“I rushed over and shouted in an attempt to stop them. I reassured them that there was no need to ‘seek revenge upon capitalist desecrations’ but they just kept ignoring me and calling me ‘’sheep scum,’” said shift leader Ron Ruiz. “Thankfully, most of the material in here is from the 70’s so it’s pretty flame-resistant and they didn’t make much progress. They finally left in a huff when they saw that the Christmas village display over by returns contained zero burning effigies of some old shoemaker or whatever the hell they were talking about. I hate this fucking job.”

The band’s spirits were temporarily lifted, however, after running into a salesperson working between the Estee Lauder and MAC counters.

“Black Friday is an overwhelming time for pretty much everyone, so I do my best to address a person’s needs and get them out the door as quickly as possible,” said amateur makeup artist and professional makeup salesperson, Dionne Haigh. “This tall, dark-haired woman was stomping around and angry about her eyeliner, I’m guessing, so I was able to point her toward our smudge-proof line, which we’ve got a great deal on all weekend. Plus, I helped color-match the foundation. Whatever she had on before was about 35 shades too light, so her cheekbones really pop now.”

At press time, the band was seen Google searching “sword +lord of rings merch near me” which they figured they might as well look for “while we’re already out anyway.”

12 Thanksgiving Traditions You’ve Never Heard Of

Posted on November 25, 2021December 9, 2025 by Nathan Kamal

Thanksgiving is the best time of year for gathering friends and family and appreciating all the year has given you! And while we all know about football and the kids’ table, there’s a lot of traditions out there you’ve never heard of. Read on:

Read the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Planning Committee Meeting Minutes

For a lot of families, it’s not really Thanksgiving until you break out the minutes of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and read it out loud in front of the fire! Available by writing to NBC at PO Box 1837, New York, New York 10001 with a self-addressed, stamped envelope and mail order for $19.99.

Breaking Ted’s Wishbone

At the end of a delicious turkey meal, what’s more festive and homey than pinning Ted down and hammering his wishbone until you hear it snap? Quick, make a wish!

Toast the Turkey’s Death

As we cherish the living, we must honor the dead. This turkey fought bravely, and is now in Bird Valhalla, where it will peck at grain and children forevermore. To the turkey!

Play the Weird Games the Person You’ve Been Dating for Five Weeks’s Family Made Up

So, it’s basically Monopoly, but instead of money, we use nuts. A five is a peanut, a ten is an almond, we don’t use the twenties, and the hundred is an unshelled walnut. And you’re not allowed to buy hotels until everyone has one, and you have to shout “Gobble!” when someone crosses Park Place. It’s simple, babe.

Get Fucking Tanked

Oh, you already know about this one.

Eating

Although it probably seems pretty weird, it’s a tradition in some parts of the US (and Canada) to eat a meal during Thanksgiving. Wacky!

Decorate Your Attic with Paper Flowers While Thinking of Food

Aren’t the flowers beautiful? Lie down, you need to keep your strength. Grandmother won’t forget about feeding us this day, I just know it.

Giving Thanks for Captain Beefheart

Remember, the true meaning of Thanksgiving is to appreciate all that Don Van Vliet, AKA, Captain Beefheart brought us. Trout masks for everyone!

The Gronch

Many families watch the non-copyright infringing holiday special, “The Method By Which The Gronch Illegally Took Thanksgiving from Its Rightful Celebrants,” every year. Ooh, the Gronch is right behind you, Maggie-Lee Whom!

Inspect the Harvested Grain for Argot

It may seem odd to you, but Goodman Pritchard has instructed us to every year inspect the rye for argot, lest we have the… unpleasantness…of accusations of witchcraft once more.

Require the Least-Liked Family Member to Give Blessings

That’s right, dork. Say grace! Bless us all! Idiot!

Savor the Blessed Moments of Peace When Those Garbage People Finally Leave

Oh thank god. It seemed like Thanksgiving would last forever. Jesus, what did Uncle Gary do in the bathroom?!

We Shouldn’t Have To Express Appreciation at Thanksgiving When It’s So Much Easier To Fake It at Christmas

Posted on November 25, 2021 by Eric Navarro

Each year, one holiday brings everybody back to their hometown as families gather to eat, drink, and hide their resentment towards one another through phony platitudes of positivity, or as they call it, “giving thanks.” This Hallmark-adjacent holiday is called Thanksgiving and it could not be less aptly named. Who the hell feels appreciative while eating dry bird with their asshole relatives? I say we make Christmas the official holiday for faking appreciation. At least then we’ll have stuff like presents and eggnog to help lubricate this assfucking the world has disguised as togetherness.

You know what I’m thankful for come Christmas time? Jesus’ unconditional love. Just kidding. The answer is obviously presents. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to say “I cherish you” to a group of people you wish would perish if you had just opened up as PS5? This works outside of holidays too, by the way. Whether I’m on dates, interacting with colleagues, or volunteering at a shelter, I’m much better at faking basic human decency when I have something to gain.

Christmas is simply a better holiday for giving thanks. Thanksgiving’s roots are enmeshed in tragedy and injustice. Not Christmas. In fact, in ancient Rome people originally celebrated on December 25th to honor “the unconquered sun.” Well, we’ve come a long way since then (still haven’t conquered that damn sun, though) and I think adding the tradition of faking love will take this little upstart holiday to the next level.

So this Thanksgiving, when you’re staring around the dinner table at people who look like you but could never understand you, struggling with all your might to come up with something to be thankful for, just close your eyes and pretend it’s Christmas. Pretend you just downed another eggnog after opening up the perfect gift. Then, open your eyes. You only get one family and here you all are under a roof, eating food together despite the disturbingly large number of things that could have happened to prevent that. Now look around at your family again and think how much easier it would be to pretend to love them if you had just opened up a PS5.