The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Kids Finally Decide To Have “Don’t Believe Everything You Read Online” Conversation With Parents

Posted on November 29, 2021 by James Webster

ST. LOUIS — Frustrated siblings, Andrea and Nino Shore, finally decided that it was time to sit their aging parents down and give the exact same talk that their parents had given them twenty years ago, sources close to the family confirmed.

“We should have set better parental controls so our aging parents didn’t have unlimited access to such toxic rhetoric,” said Andrea, scrolling through the search history on her mother’s iPad. “This woman sat the two of us down in the kitchen when we were like nine, and said ‘you can’t trust anything you read on the internet.’ She wouldn’t even let us use Wikipedia for school projects because ‘anyone can say anything,’ but here she is spending an afternoon on CowboyGazette.com reading about how Matt Cartwright is actually a distant relative of Leon Trotsky. I guarantee she doesn’t know who either of those people are.”

Her sibling’s outlook on the situation was equally as grim.

“We have to say something to them,” said Nino, while trying to save the hard drive on her parents’ Compaq computer which had been corrupted by malware. “I think the internet really did break a lot of people’s brains a little bit. If you didn’t grow up with it like we did, gradually getting used to it, it’s probably really dangerous to just jump in the deep end. Doctors used to prescribe heroin to cure headaches and shit like that, it’s no different than mom spending nine hours a day on Facebook. We need to sit them down and have a reasonable conversation about the responsible use of technology before they end up burning down a library because book sharing is ‘socialist’ or something.”

Experts confirmed that this is an increasingly common phenomenon.

“It’s definitely been on the upswing in recent years,” said psychologist Maria Ocampo. “You’ve got an aging population that’s been outpaced by technology. It’s a scary new world and they’re looking for someone to blame for it, never mind that it’s people their age who fucked everything up in the first place. I think this is the new normal. Sometimes you just have to gently remind your aging loved ones what reality is like. For example: nobody is putting mind-control chemicals in the water supply, they’re sending them through your television.”

At press time Andrea and Nino were making emergency phone calls to their respective therapists after stumbling upon their father’s X-rated search history.

Why I’m Scattering My Dads Ashes at SopranosCon

Posted on November 29, 2021 by Dan Luberto

Loss is hard. Whether it’s a loved one, a dear friend, or someone barely in the periphery of your life who you’re dying vicariously through, with loss, there is always a primal desire for one more day with your loved one. But that day is not about you. It’s for them. Which is exactly why I’m scattering my dad’s ashes at SopranosCon.

Bada bing! Right in the heart of the beautiful Atlantic City New Jersey Convention Center is where I intend to scatter my father’s ashes and hope his soul can finally find peace.

Not to mention, since dad passed my siblings and I have felt strained and detached from one another. Maybe a day at Sop-Con will bring us back together. God, Dad loved the Sopranos so much. I rarely saw the man smile except when Pauly Walnuts or Big Pussy were on that TV screen crackin’ wise. Which is why I don’t care what the rest of my family thinks, these ashes are getting scattered all over that hotel floor.

Watching The Sopranos was a way of life for my dad. It made him feel proud to be an Italian American from the Garden State. So much so that he never let the fact he was only an eighth Italian stop him. Just like I never let the fact that stealing his urn was a crime stop me from scooping this bad boy up mid-service.

I don’t know how or when, but it’s happening. I think Michael Imperioli will be there doing a Q&A live podcast recording! Should I ask him to help me? Should I get up on the stage and throw the ashes into the crowd?

Maybe I’ll hold the urn during all the sweet photo ops I’ll have with Dominic Chianese and the like. Hey, maybe my story will get me some free Vinnie Pastore sauce too!

I feel like I really got an “in” here. I could be a part of Sopranos history! I’m really excited to spend this weekend enjoying the VIP Deluxe Suite Family Package I used my dad’s life insurance to splurge on. All in the spirit of honoring my pop, of course.

Even though nothing will ever bring dad back, this memory will dull the constant pain of knowing my negligence may be the reason dad is no longer with us. But since that’s not something I’m ready to process yet, fuggedaboutit!

Wedding Band Asked to Move Merch Table From Dance Floor

Posted on November 29, 2021 by Robert John Scucci

NASHVILLE — The newly married Taylor family is disgusted by a shameless act of self-promotion exhibited by the wedding band after they set up a merch table in the middle of the dance floor, confused sources confirmed.

“I don’t know what the big deal is,” said Big C and the Minor D’s frontman Chet Haley-Briggs. “A plate of food for each member, a couple intermissions, and a spot for our merch table to promote our business is right here in the contract. The wedding industry is cutthroat, and we have to stay on top of our game. We do all of our own sound, we are punctual, and our set is tight. We even played all of their requests, and God knows nobody needs to hear ‘Blinding Lights’ more than four times in a single sitting.”

Gary Chisholm, the father of the bride, recalled different terms being negotiated upon booking the band.

“We were expecting a little table off to the side with business cards for their band. I get it, the band has to promote themselves, and they’re actually quite good,” said Chisholm. “The problem is that we had kids chicken dancing around T-shirts for a band called ‘Corpse Fucker,’ and I nearly slipped on a stack of stickers that said SEXFUNK on them while I was dancing with my daughter. I don’t even know what the hell that means.”

Kendra Jeffries, an experienced wedding planner who is no stranger to self-promotion, offered suggestions for improving brand awareness at such events.

“The big mistake they made was putting the table front and center like that,” Jeffries said. “I’ve got an Etsy, I’m a life coach, and I’m a notary. The key is to find your audience, and sneak the information to them. For example, I have my business card taped to the bottom of every coaster, and I put my OnlyFans handle in all of the restrooms. I can’t be certain, but I’m guessing none of the 300 guests present at that wedding are the right consumers for pushing $1 zines about making pipe bombs.”

At press time, Haley-Briggs was making changes to an “appeteasers” clause written into the contract for an upcoming Bat Mitzvah.

Review: Crimpshrine “Duct Tape Soup”

Posted on November 28, 2021 by Tim Sheard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we take a trip to beautiful Berkeley, California and look back on Crimpshrine’s 1988 LP “Duct Tape Soup.”

Back when I was young and hopeful for the future I spent a good amount of my time looking to the written and audial wisdom provided by one Aaron Cometbus. His zine, Cometbus, taught me seeking, finding, and enjoying love is not shameful or embarrassing, seeing new places and meeting new people will make life fuller, and the private language we create with ourselves in small moments of solitude is sometimes already spoken and understood by other people we don’t know and likely will never meet. And that all feels good.

One thing Cometbus did not teach me is the difference between an EP and an LP, and as someone who’s made a living being a very interesting and successful and, incidentally, physically beautiful music writer, you can probably imagine how embarrassing this is for me. Because I’m really down to the wire here in reviewing Crimpshrine’s “Duct Tape Soup,” I have no choice but to take my best guesses as to what they might mean.

So, right off the bat, I know an El P is the guy from Run the Jewels, but actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure if that means he’s an LP or an EP. And perhaps more importantly, I still don’t know what it means, as he is an individual on his own journey, and is likely a complex and sensitive person with feelings, values, and aspirations too complicated to reduce into one simple definition.

The next and final thing I could think of is that L is a weed term, I think? Like a pound of weed or something? So LP is more weed than the smaller EP. Which you really notice when you play it on a nice piece of equipment.

SCORE: I guess I give this thing 3 EPs or 8.4 LPs, depending on whether you’re doing the British measurements or the American ones.

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Film Adaptation of Dune Produces 115 More Hardcore Band Names

Posted on November 28, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Creators of the 2021 film reboot “Dune” were surprised to see a new generation of hardcore kids using references from the movie to inspire their band names, sources close to production confirmed.

“Bands like Shai Hulud and Harkonen were way ahead of the curve. Those dudes either grew up with the 1984 film or maybe they even read the book. But now we’re seeing a fresh crop of bands scrambling to release material so they can lock down the names,” said the film’s director Denis Villeneuve while throwing a handful of unsolicited demos in the trash. “There are some obvious name choices like Salusa Secundus and Eyes of Ibad that got scooped up real quick. Other bands had to go deeper with the references like Spacing Guild, and one band that just calls themselves Paul.”

Izzie Powell, drummer of the recently formed metalcore band Salusan Bull, says deciding on a name has been the hardest part of the creative process.

“We probably watched the movie upward of 15 times before we finally settled on something we were all happy with. A badass character would have a sick name, then we would Google it, and realize some German metal band already has that name,” said the young musician. “We’re playing our first show next month and every band on the show is also named after ‘Dune’ references. Well, one band is just called ‘Frank Herbert Writing a Novel’ which isn’t exactly a ‘Dune’ reference, but we know what it means.”

Music historians are stunned that the science-fiction classic is still able to inspire young artists.

“The source material is all great. I love the book, and I love the new movie. I just don’t understand how many more references there can possibly be made. These people must have access to some glossary that I’m not familiar with,” said Jacob Oliver, a record store owner and self-proclaimed “extreme music expert.” “I figured once the planets and some of the character names were taken that everyone would move on. There’s other science-fiction out there with cool names. Just avoid the L. Rob Hubbard stuff.”

Graphic designers across the country noted a sudden increase of bands requesting “a giant sandworm devouring the White House or something like that” in the wake of the film’s release.

European Solo Tour Only Way for Musician to Get Free Medical Treatment

Posted on November 28, 2021 by Goodrich Gevaart

VARESE, Italy — Macy Ridge, lead singer of Baltimore punk band Forced Circumcision, embarked on her first solo tour of Europe to get free medical treatment in Italy, confirmed sources within the EU.

“I’ve never had any reason to play by myself, I’m pretty bad at guitar honestly,” said Ridge as she recovered in a friend’s apartment, eating Fontina cheese. “But I needed an easy, outpatient surgery done. In Europe, if you’re there they will just do it for you! So I scheduled like three dates, Paris, Lyon, and Milan, and just rode the train by myself. I actually made money doing the surgery this way. I’m in no rush to get back to Baltimore.”

According to scheduling nurses at San Raffaele Hospital in Milan, Ridge is not the first American artist to show up at their hospital while on tour in Italy.

“Ahh, yes, many, many artists from America have come through these doors to receive small surgeries and that sort of thing,” said Sofia Bergamaschi, a nurse at San Raffaele and avid music fan. “They come to us and we say ‘bonjourno American artist we can fix you!’ and so we get them in and we fix them and they put down a fake name on the documents and they never pay. I say to them ‘acqua in bocca!’ I tell no one.”

Fans in Europe are becoming more used to Americans visiting for short or in some cases completely made-up tours to get health services.

“If you see someone coming all the way from America for only three tour dates, they probably will not even play them,” said Belgian music blogger Jules Merten. “They will arrive and say ‘oh I am actually ill, sorry Brussels! Will be back! But we know they probably had a cyst that needed to be removed. I wish Americans would fix their health system so we could stop having so many artists on socialism tours of Europe, or at least maybe they could start getting enough time off from work to actually play some shows while they are here. What an absolute trash can of a country.”

At press time, Ridge was also thinking of applying to attend free college in Italy using her friend’s Milan address on the application.

5 Magical Snowmen That Came to Life To Let Us Know Frosty Is a Wanted Criminal in Their World

Posted on November 28, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

There’s a little bit of magic in every winter. When the first snow falls and the world becomes a wonderland of powdery whiteness, inevitably come the snowmen! While Frosty the Snowman is indisputably the most famous of the living snow-creatures who visit our world each year, he’s not the only one. But it turns out Frosty is pretty famous in the parallel dimension of permanent, icy storms that is the domain of all snowmen that manifest themselves here.

So here’s five more magical snowmen who came to life to let us know that Frosty is a notorious criminal in their world and is wanted for myriad atrocities against his people!

Icee the Snowman:
Icee the Snowman appeared on Earth when a drunk stevedore put his beanie on a regular, Boston-area snowman. Upon shaking himself to life, he immediately informed the stevedore and his equally inebriated friends that the entity known as Frosty had committed numerous acts of insurance fraud, identity theft and was suspected to have married an aged snow-widow for her fortune, only to murder her when he became impatient. Unfortunately, the stevedores immediately smashed Icee to pieces while shouting “Go Pats!”

Snowflake the Snowman:
One of the more publicized snowman appearances of the early Aughts, Snowflake gained the gift of Earthly life when a lonely child in Topeka, KS wished for a friend. Unfortunately for the child, Snowflake immediately shuffled to a police station to try to convince law enforcement that Frosty had been convicted in absentia for 14 counts of arson, an especially heinous crime in their world. Due to Snowflake’s increasingly aggressive reaction to the lack of interest in Frosty’s crimes, he was gunned down by Topeka police in self-defense.

Whiteout:
The largest snowman ever recorded in modern history, the giant known as Whiteout is theorized to have been some kind of superhero in his world. After explaining via worldwide telepathic communication that Frosty had poisoned the carrot supply of Snowmanopolis, thus causing the agonizing death of thousands of his fellow snowpeople, an unseasonably warm December day reduced him to a giant puddle.

Alan Dean Foster:
Alan Dean Foster spent his brief time on Earth mostly explaining that he was unrelated to the science-fiction novelist and Star Wars ghostwriter of the same name and that it was just a coincidence. He did manage to reveal that Frosty had kidnapped the Snow President of the Snownited States before Frosty himself emerged from the shadows and stabbed him to death with an icicle.

Slushy the Snowman:
After commandeering a Seattle radio station, Slushy the Snowman broadcast for 8 hours and 32 minutes. His main topic was that Frosty had killed a group of British children that wandered into their wintery world through a wardrobe, then came to Earth with a thirst for human blood. He did answer several phone-in questions about relationships and was on the verge of signing a four-year contract with KEZK-FM before literally melting down in-station.

So remember, if you see Frosty the Snowman, do not approach him and call the authorities!

Metal Guy Only Four Cinder Blocks Away From Completing Living Room Set

Posted on November 28, 2021 by Ryan Danley

PHOENIX — Local Metalhead Josh Gunderson beamed with pride after realizing he is very close to owning a living room set thanks to several cinder blocks and pieces of plywood, sources confirmed.

“Ever since I was a young metal grom I dreamed of having my own place where I could put up my Iron Maiden posters, play music, and build a suitable living space. I knew it was time when I finally moved out of my Aunt’s shitty basement, and into my cousin’s rad basement,” beamed Gunderson from his nearly finished living room. “When I started with just a few boards and blocks, for my dragon sculptures and Ed Gein books, of course, I could have never imagined it would be this metal. Now I have a coffee table, side table, and an entire entertainment center all made from two aisles at Home Depot and some stuff I found on the free section of Craigslist.”

“When these final four blocks are in place, and I have a home for my sweet Skull Bong, I’ll feel like I have finally made it in this world.”

Gunderson’s mother, Tammy Lockhardt, is proud to see her son finally meeting some goals.

“Josh is a nice kid, but hasn’t always had an easy time finding his proper space. He’s been kicked out of everywhere from Sunday school, to high school, so it makes a mother proud to see him building a future for himself,” said Lockhardt. “A future filled with industrial supplies used as furniture. I would have told him how proud I was, but I don’t think he could have heard me over something called ‘Gorgoroth’ being played at top volume on his huge stereo system.”

After hearing of the success of Gunderson’s living room, President of Construction Solutions Limited, Mike Daniels, has announced that they will begin offering an entire line of counter-culture home furnishings.

“We are so happy Mr. Gunderson found our products so quality in his ‘headbanging’ creation, we decided to name an entire line of cinder blocks after him. These blocks will be candle wax resistant, sweat-resistant, and painted with a rattle can in black or red,” said Daniels. “This not only opens up our market to include an entire subculture of potential consumers, it also utilizes thousands of pounds of scrap material we would have only gotten pennies on the pound for thanks to this guy we know out in Mesa. A win for everyone.”

Gunderson was unavailable for further comment as he was arguing whether Ibanez or Jackson guitars had better action with a neighborhood kid.

11 Celebrities Who Committed Crimes You Probably Never Heard About

Posted on November 27, 2021December 10, 2025 by James Knapp

Famous people often receive special treatment as a result of their celebrity status. But you might be surprised to learn how many of them have committed heinous crimes…and in some cases, got away with it. Here are some shocking crimes committed by celebrities you probably haven’t heard about.

Bill Gates, Possession of Contraband

Billy G found himself in a bit of hot water after an anonymous tip led authorities to search his home, revealing a collection of dozens of black market Fabergé eggs. Gates was released with probation under the condition he stop attempting to make “billionaire omelets” out of the priceless heirlooms.

Glenn Close, Boat Theft

Close once faced a sentence of up to 15 years in prison after attempting to hijack a speedboat while high on bath salts. Fortunately, she was let off with a warning after the judge in her case mysteriously disappeared and the filming of “101 Dalmatians” continued undelayed.

Jimmy Fallon, Gang Activity

Prior to his esteemed career in late night, Fallon was a feared, high-ranking member of the Mexican mafia. Known only by his gang name, Los Coliflor (The Cauliflower), he was sentenced to three years in a Mexico City prison for forcing a rival gang member to cut off his own ears. He would later replicate the bit in several sketches for “Saturday Night Live.”

Donnie Wahlberg, Assault / General Crappiness

Following his brother Mark’s example, Donnie Wahlberg also committed numerous hate crimes during the ‘80s. He was later granted a mistrial on the technicality of “mom said I could do it too.”

JK Rowling, Disorderly Conduct

At the height of her fame, Rowling was detained after drunkenly groping fans outside of a book signing. She was held by police for nine days and has said in interviews that she used the experience as inspiration for her as of yet unpublished manuscript, “Harry Potter and the Fingerbang Lockup.”

Jake Gyllenhaal, Drug Trafficking

Gyllenhaal was arrested by border patrol officers when they discovered nearly thirty kilos of cocaine he was attempting to smuggle in his rectum. When the highly successful film star was asked why he was drug muleing such a gargantuan amount of narcotics he responded “I dunno. I just wanted to.”

Jeff Foxworthy, Snowman Identity Theft

Though the charge was later dropped, Foxworthy spent nearly eleven months in federal custody for impersonating a snowman. Courts eventually dismissed the case and “stupid” and “not a crime.”

Madonna, Animal Endangerment / Unlicensed Rocketry

In 1993, police and Humane Society officials were called to the singer’s home after neighbors reported “excessive meowing” coming from inside. It was later reported that authorities confiscated dozens of stray cats and pieces of a homemade rocket ship from the premises. Most court files remain closed but Madonna was required to appear in numerous Peta ads under the terms of her settlement.

Jennifer Lawrence, Attempted Murder of a Service Industry Employee

Lawrence was arrested in 2014 after repeatedly assaulting a barista at a Des Moines, Iowa, Starbucks. By the time authorities arrived the barista reportedly had no teeth left and had been forcibly fed more than fourteen pounds of dark roast grounds. It took six officers to restrain Lawrence and she is said to have screamed “bet you never fuck up a chai again now you hillbilly coffee bitch!”

Al Roker, Reckless Endangerment

Notorious daredevil Al Roker once successfully jumped his motorcycle over a record 16 school buses. He was later arrested for driving 125 mph in a school zone.

Meryl Streep, Betrayal of the American Public

Using her prestigious acting career as a cover, Streep served as a sleeper agent for the Bulgarian government for more than 40 years prior to her apprehension by the FBI. While being held for high treason after leaking hundreds of national secrets to hostile foreign powers, she was somehow able to escape from a maximum security holding facility. Her whereabouts are currently unknown.trayal of the American Public

“Me Three!” Exclaims Most Hated Friend

Posted on November 27, 2021 by John Danek

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — Oblivious dork Chazz Dorfner continued to irk the few acquaintances willing to tolerate him with his limitless cheeriness and old-timey sayings, reported the frustrated friends.

“I can’t wait to go to the pictures to see the latest Marvel film with my two dear chaps! You can’t wait to see the movie, too? Well, me three! Haha!” exclaimed the well-meaning Dorfner, who has no clue how little respect any of his closest friends have for him. “Those knuckleheads Lawrence and Dawn are my world. I already have a plan to shout ‘LAST ONE IN IS A ROTTEN EGG!’ when we get out of the car in the cinema parking lot. What great fun!”

Dorfner’s friends, Larry Klein and Dawn Williamson admit to being completely fed up with his archaic looniness.

“Chazz refuses to call Larry ‘Larry’ because I guess ‘Lawrence’ sounds more vaudeville to him,” said Williamson, who has been friends with the insufferable optimist since early childhood. “Look, we all grew up on the same street together so we can’t just ditch him, but he’s been on this kick of watching movies like ‘O Brother, Where Art Thou?’ and ‘A Prairie Home Companion.’ For fuck’s sake, it’s 2021, not 1921.”

“Whenever he gets the aux cable, he instantly switches the music from Playboi Carti or The Lawrence Arms to the Original Dixieland Jazz Band,” Williamson continued. “Every single time. I don’t think he’s listened to a different band in years. Next time I hear a whimsical clarinet, I swear to God I’m breaking a window with my face.”

An actor from a historical reenactment society offered some insight into the appeal of reliving the past.

“Kid sounds annoying as hell,” groaned a hungover Richard Stocks, longtime actor in Colonial Williamsburg. “I’m only here because it’s the one acting job I could land. I’m a terrible actor, which means I’m an incredible actor here. But if any of my coworkers stayed in character once we’re off the clock, I’d slap the shit out of them.”

Dorfner’s situation reportedly worsened, as he has since been banned from local weed dispensaries for repeatedly asking to buy “jazz cigarettes filled with wacky tobacky!”

Photo by Senny Mau