Punk House Lists Asbestos-related Mesothelioma Payouts as Perk of Renting Room

Posted on by Brandon Morland

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk Lenny Hanna is reportedly attempting to rent out a room in his flop-house by telling tenants they may eventually be entitled to payouts from lawsuits advertised on TV, weary sources confirmed.

“It’s an awesome side hustle, I used to give plasma but this is a lot easier,” said Hanna, who proudly showed off hundreds of lead paint chips on the windowsills. “I get about $60 a month until the day I die because this used to be public housing and the city never helped remove all the asbestos insulation. I get winded when I walk up the stairs, and I can’t talk for more than five minutes, but it’s free money, baby. We’ve got around eight people living here at the moment but some aren’t looking too good so it’s a great opportunity for the right guy. My friend rented a room over in the Tenderloin and he got hepatitis. No money. Here though, we have plenty of asbestos and cash to spare!”

Some renters were curious about the potential room and extra cash.

“Yeah, I’m really considering it. Most of the rooms I’m finding have been out of my price range,” said potential renter Matt Alvarez. “This one is really cheap and has a really nice ‘Scarface’ poster, but the whole cancer part is bumming me out. My other option for the price in this area is a futon in some guy’s kitchen. I’ve been a smoker since I was 13 so I’m well on my way to cancer anyway. This place has a big room, it’s pretty close to BART, they are open to any animals living there. I probably shouldn’t pass this up, free mesothelioma money is something I could really use to get my tape distro up and running.”

Real estate agent Lydia Simpson has concerns about the listing.

“I understand the draw. This is a tough time for renters and property owners. You have to gain an edge somehow,” said Simpson. “Some owners offer a two-bedroom when it’s only one and a cot in a closet. I mean, we even listed one of our properties as having central air but it’s really just a hole in the middle of the ceiling. Medical stuff though, I’d try to keep that quiet. The average renter would prefer not to be slowly murdered by their home.”

At press time, Hanna added to the listing by offering a one-month discount on rent to anyone that could guess which room someone had recently died in.

Container of Great Value Black Pepper in Apartment Predates all Current Tenants

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

SALT LAKE CITY – A long-forgotten, years-old container of Great Value black pepper was recently unearthed in the pantry of a two-bedroom apartment, pleasantly surprised residents confirmed.

“I just kind of discovered it when I was rearranging some things,” said Bryce Collins, the newest resident of many over the past few years. “I figured it’s not worth throwing out because pepper never really goes bad and you never know when it could come in handy. I also used to have a big thing of pepper like this in the pantry back when I lived at home. It’s something I can just take out and give a good shake whenever I’m feeling homesick whether I actually use it or not. Hell, I might even pick up some Allspice to keep it company. I mean, it’s not like it has anywhere else to go besides the waste bin.”

Despite Collin’s positive spin on the pepper’s place in his pantry, the container’s outlook on life is a lot more bleak and troubling.

“Bryce just thinks it’s like Toy Story,” the container of pepper confirmed. “He thinks the second he closes the pantry, that it’s all fun and games for us, and that we all dance around like we’re having the time of our lives. It’s been FOURTEEN YEARS! I’ve talked to the containers of garlic salt and turmeric, and they’re still holding out hope. How I miss the gentle kiss of the sunlight that shines directly into this cabinet when it’s open. While we all are holding out hope to be poured out onto a cutting board before a discount ribeye is pressed into us, we’re mostly just sitting here waiting for the sweet release of death.”

Veteran herbalist Gunter Hobbsnagen presents his expertise on the dilemma faced in this apartment unit.

“Spices are a lot like condoms,” said Hobbsnagen. “More often than not, they are purchased with lofty ambitions. As time passes, the ambitions fade, and our subjects start to expire. They start out sweet or savory, but they all end up bitter towards the end. One could only hope that a Great Value was attained at some point, but most could safely assume that one was not. It’s unfortunate, but it’s life.”

At press time, the Great Value container was spotted tying a makeshift noose out of remnants from Collin’s roommate’s crocheting scraps.

Punk Aging Like a Fine PBR

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PERTH AMBOY, N.J. — Friends and family of local punk Ricky Ballstead report he is aging “like a fine PBR” and very much proud about it, sources who reiterated that it’s not actually a good thing confirmed.

“What can I say? I take the all natural approach and just kind of let my body do its thing while hoping for the best,” said Ballstead while lighting up a cigarette he found on the ground next to a dog park. “I guess my secret is that I don’t waste precious energy on frivolous activities like exercise or walking and I make sure to get a full four hours of sleep a night. I also order a house salad from the bar one or two meals a week. With extra creamy dressing and bacon, obviously. Oh, and I stay hydrated by strictly drinking light beer like Pabst and never those heavy IPAs. If I can do it, anyone can.”

Friends of Ballstead encouraged him to take his health more seriously.

“Honestly, that dude is aging disgracefully,” said longtime pal Heather Makersfield who admittedly can’t help but “tell it like it is” with close friends. “I simply compared his aging process to that of a warm PBR that’s been sitting out in the hot sun, but he weirdly took it as a compliment. I mean, he is literally aging like a weeks-old open can of beer. His body odor is skunky, he’s lost his cool, and he leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Maybe it’s time for something more fresh for him.”

Health experts were keen to note that aging affects everyone with a pulse.

“Inevitably, we all age like some type of alcohol,” said nutritionist Fiona Doumen. “However, it’s up to you to figure out what kind of booze you want to age like. Some age like wine. Others like margaritas. Even young people are starting to age like White Claws. Either way, you always want to plan for your future aging goals and the best way to do that is by aligning it with your drinking habits.”

At press time, recent blood work revealed that Ballstead’s body was that of someone 20 or 30 years older, but he took it as a sign that he was wise beyond his years.

/**/

My Dearest Annabelle, I Fear This Battle of the Bands Shall Rage on for Eternity

Posted on by Ben Friedman

December 01, 2021

My Dearest Annabelle,

I write to you though the hour is late, but I must confess that the situation we find ourselves in is most dire. I fear this battle of the bands will rage on for eternity.

Nearly a fortnight has passed since we departed for Atlanta. Our men are severely tired and sick after every single one of us contracted dysentery from that Cracker Barrel in Vicksburg. Yesterday we accidentally left Gary the merch guy in a Citgo bathroom outside of Charleston. We cannot call him as he had the only phone charger.

We reached the “FANTA AND FRITO LAY Presents the Battle of the Bands” in Atlanta this morn, and what our eyes witnessed was enough to make even the hardiest of men question their faith. Nearly the whole day has passed and we’re still waiting to load in. The men are growing restless, and whispers of pop punk bands with 17-year-old entourages in today’s lineup makes me wonder why we ever left Philadelphia.

I saw a young bass player, already stricken with the rickets, stub his toe trying to move a trunk. Doctors had no choice but to amputate. He refused whiskey, being in a straight edge band and all, before they operated. His screams will haunt me for the rest of my days.
—
We set up camp near a broken air conditioner outside the venue. Only three bands have gone ahead of us, while we remain to eat a box of crackers and wait for any news of a set time. Our equipment is in desperate need of repair. I fear a light breeze may break the strings off this ol’ Tribute. Still, we remain vigilant and ready to play.
—
Finally some news. A grindcore band from Baltimore just returned from the front, their spirits broken, not not their bodies. They say the crowd is 5,000 strong and barely three brain cells between ‘em. One of them said the band before them mentioned off hand that they had just gotten their vaccines, and were met with a volley of Natty Light bottles. I am beginning to think we should hastily strike our cover of “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” from the setlist, if only for our personal safety,

My love, though the odds are very much stacked against us, I have not forgotten my solemn vow to you that we will return victorious with spoils in tow: $5000 and a record contract with 0.07% royalties yield. Pray I return home to you safely, and no worse for wear.

Yours Always,

Henry Wordsworth
Neutral Milk Hotel California

Woman’s Spotify Listening History Doubles as Period Tracker App

Posted on by Alicia Hawkes

MILWAUKEE — Local music listener and person with periods Megan Blake prefers to use her Spotify listening history to track her menstrual cycle rather than apps designed specifically for that purpose, sources close to Blake confirmed.

“I figured it out a few months ago when I was on my period, crying and eating nachos while listening to Elliot Smith, and realized it reminded me of a few weeks before when I cried and ate loaded hash browns while listening to Cat Power,” said Blake. “I checked my listening history and saw that the two incidents had been exactly 28 days apart. My heart racing, I went back 28 more days and saw ‘Wrong Town’ by Tony Molina 46 times in a row. The implications were clear. Now the second I reach for my loose bra and even think about listening to say, Mitski, I take a preventative Ibuprofen and an iron supplement.”

Representatives from Spotify are excited about the profit potential of listening-history-based period prediction.

“Having the data on our customer’s cycles means when they’re PMSing we can target them with ads for stretchy pants, chocolate, loose dowel rods for DIY projects around the home, I could go on and on,” said horny-sounding Spotify Marketing Director Liz Armstrong. “We’ve already started experimenting with cannabis-infused Epsom salt ads for people listening to a lot of Sade, and commercials for Doritos and Doritos-related products sold in and outside of Taco Bells in their area.”

Blake’s family is proud and hopes her discovery will be used for good rather than corporate profit, like the time she was able to warn her older sister that she might be perimenopausal when her listening history was taken over by soft rock.

Those close to Blake swear by her listening history method, which has been used to diagnose everything from pre-pre-PMS hormonal rage to perimenopausal soft rock-induced brain fog.

“I’d always listened to grunge, but out of nowhere, it was Christopher Cross, Gerry Rafferty, and Boz Scaggs. I didn’t even know who Boz Scaggs was before I was suddenly, inexplicably drawn to him,” said Blake’s sister Lindsay. “When Megan looked through my play history she told me to make an appointment with my gynecologist immediately. They told me OB/GYNs have a saying: ‘When the history says Scaggs, the egg count lags.’ I wanna say I’ll remember that for next time, but I’ll probably just blame it on everyone else being a fucking idiot like I have every month for the last 29 years.”

Blake said she has no plans to return to using more formal period tracker apps and is currently investigating a possible connection between her Sims playing and her seasonal depression.

Uh Oh: This Frontman Completely Missed the Point of “Lolita”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Literature can be difficult to interpret. An author’s intent is oftentimes lost by the reader, which has never been more frighteningly apparent than pop-punk vocalist James Benson’s understanding of the novel “Lolita” as he reads it for the fourth time.

It seems the 28-year-old frontman of the band “Three Ninjas” is not familiar with the term “unreliable narrator” and takes everything Nabokov’s protagonist Humbert Humbert says at face value. A quick inspection of his dog-eared copy of the novel shows that he actually ripped out all the pages in the book’s foreword, which is a little weird since that’s where a character named John Ray, Jr., Ph.D. explains that Humbert Humbert is a liar and will do anything he can to convince the reader that he himself is the victim of a cunning 12-year-old’s sexual advances.

It only gets worse when you dig into James’ obsession with the book. Just look at the lyrics to the song, “She Was Lola in Slacks.” The lyrics to the song, with its poorly constructed rhyme scheme, consists of instructions for a young woman to remain tight-lipped about her relationship with an older man in a touring band. It doesn’t take a genius to decipher what is going on here. When confronted with claims that Humbert Humbert is the bad guy in the book and that he is, in fact, a sexual predator and a murderer, James calmly responds with a little chuckle and an assurance that, “love is crazy like that.”

The fact of the matter is that “Lolita” is not a love story. But that doesn’t stop James from DMing girls on Tik Tok with quotes from the book and offering these girls “backstage passes” to shows at VFW halls. Humbert Humbert used the fact he was a “sensitive poet” to convince the reader he was a good guy. James adopted the same playbook, hoping songs about heartbreak, hating his hometown, and pizza will attract as many children as possible.

This all goes back to the old saying “There are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and pop-punk frontmen doing anything they can to justify relationships with underage girls.”

While works of classic literature will always be misinterpreted, we can only hope that enough people take “Catcher in the Rye” too literally that one of them will eventually assassinate a singer who misinterpreted “Lolita.”

Negotiations Between Panhandler and Driver Pretending to Look at Phone Reach Stalemate

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ATLANTA — Local panhandler Bobby Moore’s attempt to garner spare change from Tesla driver Jermaine Hoffman has come to a standstill while waiting for a traffic light to turn green, onlookers confirmed.

“Most drivers will give me a shake of the head or try to avoid eye contact for a little bit, but they finally give in and either mouth “sorry” to me or slide a dollar out their window,” Moore said while walking between rows of cars near an exit around Atlanta’s famed Spaghetti Junction. “But this dude, he just looked down at his phone like he was answering the most important email in the world. At one point he was looking at LinkedIn, that’s how desperate he was not to acknowledge my existence. I had no choice but to just stare into his window until the light turned.”

The driver of the vehicle, however, didn’t see anything wrong with his actions.

“I check my phone when I am at a stoplight so I don’t do it while I drive. It’s a safe practice. I didn’t even see the guy you’re talking about,” Hoffman said. “But if it is that same dude with the dreadlocks that’s there every day, he sure is young looking to be a ‘Vietnam veteran’ and he’s been ‘stranded in Atlanta’ for quite some time now. If he had any business acumen at all, he’d know that trying to stare me down for cash is less lucrative than trying to hit up the seven cars behind me once he realized my non-verbal communication expressed that I would not be giving him or anyone else any of my hard-earned money.”

Emory University business professor Nichole Gutierrez, MBA is quite familiar with these tense negotiation tactics.

“From the sidewalk to the boardroom, sometimes two parties cannot come to an agreement. I’ve seen millionaires pretend to get a phone call from their mother, walk out of a conference room, and just never come back,” Gutierrez said. “And I’ve seen another millionaire chase others down and literally tackle them from behind to get them to agree to terms. Although, I do find it interesting that Mr. Moore has an ‘Accepts Square’ sticker at the bottom of his sign. Convenience is key in any trade scenario.”

As of press time, Moore had decided to just skip Tesla’s all together, as well as any car with TRUMP2024 bumper stickers for safety’s sake.

Opinion: If I Got Pulled Over Right Now I’m Pretty Sure I Could Sex My Way Out of It

Posted on by James Knapp

Okay, let’s just access the situation here. I’ve had thirty beers, I do not know where my license is, this car has no functioning lights… and it’s stolen.

Also, I’m hot. Yep. I think I’m good.

Any cop who thinks they’re gonna stop me is gonna have to overcome my undeniable erotic magnitude before they even consider taking me to the big house. Coincidentally, “The Big House” is also what I call that velvet lined Jacuzzi tub in my basement.

Actually, I should probably get some baby-making music playing on the car radio just in case. Safety first!

Hell, it’s not like this is the first time I’ve used my raw sexual congeniality to my advantage. Like the time I flashed my dong at that bouncer to get into the Rusted Root concert. Granted, it didn’t work and I was thoroughly tazed in the scrotum, but as long as the cop who stops me is cool with me hanging a hard four and a half inches then I got nothing to worry about.

I don’t know why this car doesn’t have seat belts. I mean beggars can’t be choosers but seriously this seems like a major design flaw. Whoops! Totally missed that stop sign. Okay, eyes on the prize. Cop sex! Let’s get it!

You know, maybe it’s this kind of thinking that’s the reason I keep having to go to traffic court all the time. And divorce court. That judge must be a eunuch or something — not once has my patented fan dance worked on him.

Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t shotgun three boxes of Franzia every night, hop a fence, hot-wire a hearse from the impound lot and then rely on the pure spherical perfection of my balls to get out of the ensuing legal bedlam. Maybe I should…

Fuck! There’s the cops. Whatever, I’ll self-actualize later. Right now I just gotta throw some rouge on my taint and hope this cop is cool with the sloppiest foot-job they’ve ever gotten.

Hey, it’s worked before. In Florida. Twice.

Punk House Refrigerator Transforms Kraft Single Into Decadent Blue Cheese In Minutes

Posted on by Kevin Tit

BALTIMORE — The refrigerator in a local punk house has garnered attention after it transformed a Kraft single into a slice of decadent blue cheese within literal minutes, flabbergasted residents confirm.

“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something because I once watched a raccoon front a grindcore band,” said the newest member of the house, Fernando Maggs. “I stopped by the dumpster behind the local Burger Palace on my way home from work and there was a pristine Kraft single still encased in plastic sitting on top. I brought it home thinking I could make a killer cheese sandwich with the two Ritz crackers I found under the couch the day before. So, I got home, put it away in the kitchen refrigerator for like two minutes while I changed my clothes, and when I got back, the cheese had evolved into something completely different.”

The remarkable yet puzzling evolution of the fromage caught the attention of cheese experts all across the country.

“I’ve written and read a lot of stories on the topic of cheese over the years but this is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever had the fortune to cover,” said Cheese Connoisseur Magazine’s editor-in-chief, Ted Partridge. “The specimen from their fridge mimics that of the Rogue River Blue. It’s quite astonishing because this is a highly regarded, top-of-the-line Oregon cheese that normally takes nine to eleven months to cultivate. This refrigerator did it in mere minutes. A truly baffling and fucking disgusting phenomenon.”

While the chain of events has the world of fromage jumping with excitement, others living in the house are more or less at a loss for words about the whole thing.

“I’m honestly more surprised that someone used the refrigerator. It’s definitely more of an oven at this point,” explained senior resident of the house Kelly Snakebite. “That thing stopped working at least two years ago. I guess one of us should have told Fernando but we all kind of assumed that the combination of extreme heat and foul rotting odor that comes from opening that door would have been enough. Regardless, since this discovery, that fridge has been turned into some sort of weird scientific cheese farm.”

At press time, Fernando was seen selling his brand of “Freak Cheese” at the weekend Farmers Market.

Diabolical Man Forces Girlfriend to Decide Between Public Humiliation or Legal Union

Posted on by Shea Strauss

NOBLESVILLE, Ind. — Local man Noam Lane’s “over-the-top” proposal gave his long-term girlfriend no choice but to decide whether she should enter into a legally binding life-long commitment to him or embarrass both of them in front of close friends and family, several repulsed bystanders confirmed.

“Noam and I were at brunch at the spot we had our first date and I knew something was up. When I saw the flash mob wearing masks of my face dancing to a Bowie song we both like I was praying for an earthquake or lightning strike to put an end to it,” said attempted-fiancée Alexandra Zola. “I thought our relationship was built on a foundation of communication and trust, but he just sprung this huge decision on me out of nowhere, with no regard for privacy. If we won’t talk about our finances in front of my best friend, why would we life-plan in front of most of my extended family?”

A source involved in the planning says that the grand gesture had been in the world for almost six months,

“We had been workshopping ideas for a while and ultimately decided on a flyover from the Blue Angels. It turns out that they charge way too much money, so Plan B was the dance. We even had Alex’s grandma taken out of hospice care to witness it,” said longtime friend Arnie Linscomb. “We realized things were going south when she stood up and tried sprinting towards the exit. Thankfully a quick-thinking line cook tackled her before she got to the door. I don’t think she was crying tears of joy, this may have been a miscalculation.”

Relationship expert Robyn Ray often warns couples to avoid public proposals.

“Media can warp our perceptions of healthy relationships,” said Ray. “Even though shows like ‘The Bachelor’ feature surprise proposals, they aren’t realistic. Couples should communicate long-term plans with each other. If there is tension in the relationship you should work it out through therapy, not by proposing to someone on the Jumbotron at a Pacers game.”

At press time, Lane was seen begging a local shelter to take back the 15 puppies he had adopted which he planned on presenting to Lane upon returning to their one-bedroom apartment.

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