Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Every Member of Band More Invested in a Solo Project

Posted on July 13, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Every member of local indie rock band The Soviet Reunion is far more artistically, financially and personally invested in their respective solo projects than their “main gig,” sources close to the band confirmed.

“I love these guys,” said Barry Morgan, The Soviet Reunion’s longtime merch guy, from the lobby of the band’s practice space. “Every member of this band really brings something special, which is what makes them all convinced that their own thing is going to take off. Joey [Matheson, vocals] has a chillwave thing she does as ‘Middle-Aged Teen,’ Santiago [Cruz, drummer] raps as Caribbean Cruz, Lee [Edwards, keyboards] thinks he’s going to ‘revitalize jazz’ with these weird recordings of Jelly Roll Morton songs he does on children’s instruments. They all sound like complete shit, but I can’t tell them that because the money I make from touring with them is how I keep my black metal project afloat.”

Arthur Novak, a dedicated fan of The Soviet Reunion, admitted he’s getting frustrated with the group.

“It’s exhausting trying to keep track of everything they’re doing,” said Novak. “I have multiple spreadsheets and computer programs that keep me up to date on every new project they start. One of them will eventually be good and I don’t want to miss out, but right now the band looks like they are coming apart at the seams. Last week, I saw Joey and Santiago almost get in a fight on Instagram Live because they were both trying to do their spoken word stuff on the band’s main page at the same exact time.”

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioural therapist, explained this as a very common phenomenon.

“This is a textbook case of toxic band dynamics,” said Dr. Carter. “In the vast majority of promising musical acts, every member of a band thinks they’re the true creative heart, and that the others are dragging them down. They latch onto a fantasy that once they manage to go solo, that’s when they’ll take off and create the ‘great work’ they have inside them. Sadly, that has only ever been true of Paul McCartney and Wings.”

As of press time, each member of The Soviet Reunion was trying to sneak burned CDs of their respective projects into the band’s online store.

“It Went Pretty Well!” Says Guy About Date Woman Will Discuss in Therapy for Weeks

Posted on July 12, 2021 by John Danek

ROSWELL, N.M. — Local bachelor Ian Rael felt optimistic about his first Hinge date with Emily Backovich, an event that she will need to unpack with her therapist for the next month or so.

“Yeah dude, it went pretty well! I picked her up at her place, complimented her hipster-chic aesthetic, and whisked her off to a brewpub,” announced Rael about his 72nd first date since the COVID pandemic started. “We had some drinks and took some cute pics in the photobooth. We even kissed in there! I don’t want to call myself a dating expert, but if there’s one thing and the only thing women love, it’s going on first dates.”

Backovich offered a substantially different and more traumatic perspective on how the events of her date with Rael unfolded.

“When I got in his car he immediately said I looked like a ‘lowkey slutty puritan,’ so we were off to a typical start,” recounted Backovich, who is coming off a two-year long hiatus from dating. “My therapist says that if I go into new situations looking for problems, I’ll always find them, but this was five seconds after we first met! We then went to a brewery despite me stating on Hinge that I’m sober, and he got shitfaced. Then we got in a photobooth where he tried to kiss me. I pivoted my mouth away and he weirdly kinda nuzzled the back of neck. I have photographic evidence. I had to drive him in his car back to his house and Lyft home. Fuck dating. Fuck it forever.”

Backovich’s therapist, Dr. Linda Argent, attempted to present ways to reflect on this experience for progress and growth.

“Emily is frequently very hard on herself, and I understand why — dating sucks,” explained Dr. Argent, who specializes in relationships and sex. “Unfortunately, bad dates are a part of dating. The key is in how we carry ourselves after a bad date. I’m encouraging her to give herself the grace to not blame herself. But after countless shitty dates with state school douchebags, I’m running out of ways to rephrase it all.”

Rael’s lack of self-awareness continued to worsen as he later claimed he is so good sexually that women have to beg him to stop after 45 minutes of fingering.

Weed Dealer Released From Prison Unqualified To Work At Dispensary

Posted on July 12, 2021 by Nick Ortolani

YONKERS, N.Y. — Darnell Hudgens, recently paroled from Westchester County Correctional for marijuana distribution, is reportedly encountering challenges obtaining a job in the legal weed industry, according to sources.

“I was told I ‘didn’t fit the company image,’” explained Hudgens. “Most of the people working there got college degrees. Hell, I was practically an independent contractor in the industry. I thought the dispensary would understand, but they kept asking about the 15-year gap in my employment history. Then they asked for professional references, and I’m like motherfucker, all my references are in jail. I’ll keep looking for jobs, but if something doesn’t work out, I might have to go back to dealing. Instead of… getting a legal job selling weed. Damn.”

Special interests in the legal marijuana industry remain doubtful whether there is any obligation for restitution to communities adversely affected by marijuana laws.

“It’s important for us to ‘weed’ out the unsavory elements,” chuckled Dan Katzenburg, CEO of Grass TACs Dispensaries. “Look at our flagship shop in Bed-Stuy, historically a dangerous, poor, drug-infested neighborhood, now a thriving community of upper-middle class transplants. We want weed to do what real estate did to New York — irreparably alter the landscape by installing inorganic infrastructure at the expense of the working class. We don’t have room for reprobates with no respect for the law. The law is not meant to be broken, the law is meant to be exploited by big business until it’s deemed inconvenient and altered.”

As marijuana is increasingly legalized in the U.S., the question remains how to deal with those incarcerated for marijuana related crimes.

“Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean we shouldn’t criminalize those associated with it,” contends acting drug tsar Regina LaBelle. “If people wanted to sell drugs, they should have spent millions of dollars lobbying until it was legal. And if people are having trouble finding work, there are numerous unpaid labor opportunities at various state and federal facilities. Remember, crime doesn’t pay. Legislating around and creating a punitive system for crime does pay.”

At press time, the Grass TACs board had voted to require mandatory drug testing for all employees.

My Snowflake Son Won’t Stop Calling My Hilarious College Pranks “Sexual Assault”

Posted on July 12, 2021 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

College kids these days can’t take a joke! Joe Rogan says so in every episode. With my eldest boy headin’ off to college, I needed to crack a couple a’ cold ones and pass down the handbook of all the sickest college pranks. Panty Raids, Shower Cams, Teabagging; they didn’t call me the ‘Nut Ninja’ for nothin’! I didn’t wanna believe Mr. Rogan, but like two minutes into our first ever man-to-man conversation, he starts throwin’ around words like ‘sexual assault’!

Accusations like that can ruin a man’s life! We were the funniest dudes you’d ever wanna drop Jager bombs and root through girls’ panty drawers with, but we weren’t criminals! Sure, the cops came, but once those chicks knew they’d never get invited to another party, and the cops saw we were good kids, they knew not to fuck up our whole future over innocent little pranks.

Sexual assault?! I never drugged nobody! But hey, if you fell asleep in the Tri-State area between ‘99 and ‘03, chances are you had my nuts all up in your grill, boyeee. Portable CD player in one hand, deez nutz in the other, and boom! You woke up to the sweet sounds of Eazy E’s Nuts On Ya Chin, and the sweet smell of my nuts on ya chin! It wasn’t gay or nothin’, just how it was in my day. What should I do, wake him up and ask for consent to put my nuts on his forehead? Then what, ask those girls to let me film them showering? Where’s the prank in that?

When did kids today get so sensitive? I guess they missed out on Jackass, and it’s a shame too, cus I want him to have a bangin’ college experience like me. But using words like ‘rape culture’ and ‘toxic masculinity’ like he’s a chick or something, he’s gonna get his ass kicked. What next, you’re gonna tell me our ‘Asian’ and ‘Ghetto’ themed parties were racist? They’re just themes, bro, like mermaids or zombies!

It’s actually pretty messed up of him to try and make me feel bad about my best memories. Think about it, if what I did could now be considered sexual assault, then I would have to reconcile that with the things I did and feel horrible. That’s a bad prank, son!

I dunno, maybe I should’ve talked to him more before his snowflake friends turned him. But don’t worry, I took these gems to his twelve year old brother! The kid was laughin’ his ass off! So, have fun at college with your Call of Duty and protests or whatever. It’s not like you can even get laid anymore with all this #metoo stuff!

REPORT: Mic Stand Fucking Sucks

Posted on July 12, 2021 by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — The lone mic stand at music venue The Kick Drum in eastern Los Angeles “fucking blows” and won’t stop drooping down seconds after tightening it, according to multiple reports from disgruntled performers.

“I’m usually a peaceful, chill person: I go to yoga and smoke a worrisome amount of weed,” explained Rebecca Cox, a psych-folk artist scheduled to play tonight. “But no breathing exercise can help me contain my rage while tightening this goddamn K&M mic stand for the twelfth time, only to watch it sag down in slow motion. My fingers hurt and I’m supposed to play a 12-string acoustic guitar tonight!”

“I asked at sound check if they had another mic stand,” Cox continued while a vein near her eye bulged out boldly. “The sound engineer said they did, but of course it’s missing its fucking mic clip, so it’s worthless. Just like every mic stand. They all suck.”

Musicians aren’t the only ones who struggle with the ever-faulty König & Meyer microphone stand.

“I host an open-mic comedy night here every 3rd Wednesday, and I fully attribute our empty crowds to that shitty mic stand,” explained comedian Maxwell Comb. “That thing is one-third of all the props necessary for stand-up, the others being the mic and stool. If all three aren’t perfect, the crowd can feel the weird vibe and won’t laugh at my solid Paris Hilton jokes that killed back in 2004.”

For its part, the mic stand defended its ability to hold a microphone and questioned users’ expectations.

“People are never going to try to really understand me — I accepted this years ago,” said the gunmetal gray microphone stand. “You can’t just stick my boom arm all the way out and expect me to hold it still with just a thumb screw! Did everyone who comes through this venue fail physics class? Whatever. Considering the talent, it’s best no one hears anything at all anyway.”

A König & Meyer representative who was asked about whether the company had plans to create a microphone stand that “doesn’t suck ass” responded with hysterical laughter so strong that it led to vomiting.

Review: Tool “Opiate”

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Dom Turek

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Opiate,” the 1992 EP from Tool.

If you had mentioned Tool to me a year ago I would have assumed you were talking about a hammer, but in the last four months Tool has become one of the most defining and inescapable bands of my waking life. This is the fourth time I’ve listened to “Sweat” today, and it’s only noon, and it’s all thanks to my teenage son for getting “Opiate” jammed into my car’s CD player right before police sent him to a youth detention center for trying to light endangered birds on fire.

Clayton was sentenced to 16 months at Crossroads Juvenile Center but it seems like I’m the one doing time. Just once I’d like to drive to pilates without Maynard asking “Why don’t you go fuck yourself?” and calling me a “Piece of shit.” Sure, I’ve thought about switching to the radio or even buying a new car altogether, but it’s of no use. Once you’ve listened to something enough, it becomes its own kind of tinnitus.

The first time I heard “Opiate” I assumed it was a Christian rock group because of lyrics like, “Jesus Christ why don’t you save my life now,” and “My God’s will becomes me when he speaks.” I was almost convinced all those times we dragged Clayton to church kicking and screaming and threatening to kill us in our sleep had paid off, but then the song ended with Maynard and Jesus planning to rape someone and I realized I was in for a long ride to work.

I relish the stolen moments between song changes and imagine something more wholesome playing, like Karen Carpenter of The Beach Boys, but then the chaotic baseline creeps in and a strained voice starts loosely outlining the ideals of Marxism, and I’m hurdled back to reality. Sometimes I wish Clayton had jammed his Papa Roach CD in here instead.

Last week I pulled up to my great aunt’s memorial service while “Jerk Off” blared from the car windows and I realized my life could be separated into before and after “Opiate” was jammed into my Toyota Camry. Those six tracks repeat in my head whether I’m in the car or not, which is something I can only liken to water torture, and for this, I must admit “Opiate” is the single most influential album of my entire life.

Score: 4/4 dead songbirds

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Woman’s Longest Relationship is With Tab That’s Been Open On Her Browser Since 2016

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Ted Pillow

SAN FRANCISCO — Christine Walker’s longest-running relationship is with a travel guide to Kyoto that’s been open as a browser tab on her laptop for five years, confirmed sources impressed with her apparent ability to avoid software updates.

“Just because we’re in a global pandemic, I only have $300 in my bank account, and I don’t have a passport doesn’t mean I won’t go to Kyoto eventually,” the 29-year-old Walker explained. “Dating has been hard the last year, but I get a lot of comfort from the 50 or so browser tabs I refuse to close for articles I haven’t read, recipes I haven’t tried, and DIY projects I haven’t started. If you ask me, managing all these tabs is a pretty big commitment. I may not have a significant other, but I do have a deep bond with the Wikipedia entry for the Bermuda Triangle, which I plan on reading at some point before I die.”

Walker’s friends have had some concerns regarding the perennially unread tabs.

“I’m not worried that Christine isn’t in a long-term romantic relationship,” noted friend Courtney Harrison. “If that’s what she wants, she’ll find it. But keeping a tab open for the time it takes to earn a bachelor’s degree? Just read it or close it, for Christ’s sake, you can Google it again. Looking at her computer is enough to send me spiraling. The number of icons she has on her desktop is completely fucking unhinged. Seriously, I’m talking full on boomer status.”

Relationship experts agreed that Walker’s situation is an increasingly common one.

“People are waiting longer to settle down, get married, and have kids,” stated Natalie Greene, host of a podcast about dating. “That means looking to other areas of life for the stability that relationships can bring. Usually, people find that reassurance in their job or from friends, pets, or productive hobbies, but browser tabs can also be a source of support. For me, it’s the pile of unopened mail that’s been sitting on my kitchen counter for several years. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be able to pass it down to my children.”

As of press time, Walker had finally decided to close the Kyoto travel guide tab so that she could commit more time to almost reading an article about the best eyebrow pencils of 2018.

Report: Unclear If Headphones Broken or That’s Just How Neutral Milk Hotel Supposed to Sound

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Erin McLaughlin

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local man Gabriel Danforth is plagued with uncertainty about whether his 13-month-old Skullcandy headphones are broken after hearing a concerning staticky noise, or if fuzz-folk is to blame, sympathetic sources confirmed.

“It was a literal nightmare,” said Danforth. “I was walking down the street when I noticed the static sound, and I freaked out because if I don’t have music to distract me, I start thinking too much and that always leads to trouble. I tried to keep the phone stiff in my hand for a bit, until I remembered that ‘Song Against Sex’ sounds like a bass is going through a meat processor. Honestly, the playlist I made pre-Lexapro could be responsible for this whole thing.”

Jason Zheng, an employee at the Shell gas station, witnessed Danforth’s frantic experience.

“He ran in all out of breath and asked if we had ‘any of those rip-off Apple dongle thingies,’” said Zheng while restocking Mountain Dew Code Red. “But then it suddenly looked like a lightbulb went off over his head. After circling the headphone stand for what seemed like an eternity and buying a pack of Marb Reds, he recited some lyrics about aeroplanes and communism and rushed out.”

Doctor Jane LoPresto, a music therapist, noted the psychological effects of Danforth’s experience.

“People often undergo severe psychological stress when they think that they need to purchase yet another pair of headphones,” said Doctor LoPresto. “Most obsessively thumb the wire to keep it in the perfect position when they think they hear the dreaded static. But really, they just need to stop listening to Neutral Milk Hotel and Alex G and finally invest in some goddamn Bluetooth headphones. 90% of the time, stress levels significantly decrease when they switch to a hi-fi pop song.”

At press time, Danforth is undecided about whether he should add his current headphones to the graveyard of the ones in his nightstand drawer, or if his recent Neutral Milk Hotel binge is a cause for him to stop ghosting his therapist.

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I Have a Medical Exemption for Your ‘No Shirt, No Shoes’ Rule Too

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Nariko Ott

Umm, actually, no, you can’t kick me out of this Wawa. My doctor said I can be in here. This note right here makes me exempt from your mask mandate. What’s that? You don’t require masks anymore? Well hold on, let me find my other note that says I’m medically exempt from your whole “no shirt, no shoes” bullshit too.

Keep your laws off my torso! And feet too, I guess, but I have flip flops in the car and I’ll go get those if I absolutely have to.

Look, my health is more important than your feelings or the Pennsylvania ServSafe Food Safety Program. Sorry, but you’re basically Hitler working a cash register right now. See, this is the land of the free, and those freedoms include “freeing the nipple,” like Benjamin Franklin, Sam Adams, and the rest of our topless founding fathers intended.

And my God, why are we allowing the Deep State and Wawa to force our feet into Skechers brand foot prisons? My feet are stained with the soil of America, buddy. Soil that our brave soldiers died thousands of miles away for oil for.

So in accordance with the Americans With Disabilities Act of 1990, which Republicans like me opposed, not only will I not be putting on a shirt, shoes, or mask; I will also not be wearing any helmet, seatbelt, or glasses when I drive. Or pants. See, I also have a medical condition where my “Proud Boys” need 10-12 hours of sunlight a day, or else they develop “holster rash” according to Dr. Eastwood.

Now can I please just purchase this 10-pack of Fireball shots for those teenagers over there?

Local Basement Venue Lifted Mask Mandate Last March

Posted on July 11, 2021 by John Hedrick

NEW YORK — Local venue Splatz Diner got a head start on lifting the mask mandate by declaring masks unnecessary since March 27, 2020, sources said.

“We tried the whole ‘social distancing’ thing but it just didn’t work with our venue. Typically everyone would adhere to the CDC guidelines but as soon as a breakdown hit, there was no way to have a socially distant pit, so we had to improvise,” explained venue owner Zach “Splatz” McPherson. “Even though we didn’t have a mask ordinance in place at our spot, I saw a bunch of people only lowering theirs to talk into the person’s ear who was next to them, so they could hear OK, and to do breath checks to make sure they weren’t too sloppy to drive home. We were all in that together, and still take the safety of the scene seriously.”

Although recent research shows that vaccines are effective without masks, some venue attendees are still hesitant to go to shows.

“The pandemic hit New York really hard in 2020 and I still think about that when I go out,” stated attendee Emma Hernandez. “Even though I’m vaccinated now, I would never step foot in that shithole ever again, that place is disgusting. It’ll be the epicenter of COVID until 2082. There’s no windows, the litter box is just the entire floor, and I’ve seen people having ‘pillow fights’ with the insulation that’s falling out of the drop ceiling. One time my friend and I went to a show there before the pandemic and I think he might have actually gotten polio. Lesson learned.”

Despite the outright refusal to adhere to CDC guidelines on behalf of the venue and many like it, experts expressed a silver lining.

“As we enter the end of this round of the COVID pandemic here in the United States, people are excited to get back out there and enjoy the things they didn’t get to do all year, or in some cases, continued to do quietly the entire time,” explained Dr. Anthony Fauci. “While we witness a steady decline in positive COVID-19 diagnoses over the last few months, the number of common cold and flu rates, positive STD tests, and mass shootings haven’t changed at all since February 2020 thanks to these efforts.”

In order to make people feel more safe, Splatz has begun to offer vaccines to anyone who pays a $10 cover.

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Opiate,” the 1992 EP from Tool.

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