Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Band Arriving at Venue Just Realized They Forgot to Tell Bassist He’s Out of the Group

Posted on August 4, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

BALTIMORE — Members of local punk band Slip and Fall realized they’d neglected to tell their bassist they’d voted him out of the group weeks ago when he showed up for their show yesterday evening, embarrassed sources confirmed.

“Shit, I knew there was something I meant to do. I kept having this nagging feeling like I was forgetting something and, well, here we are,” noted frontman Jason Delahunt. “I haven’t seen Pete [Higgins] in nearly a month, so I figured someone else in the band must’ve told him. But when we were loading in, he just strolled up with this big shit-eating grin on his face. None of us had the courage to tell him to turn around and kick sand, so we tried our best to convince him the show was canceled, but then the promoter came out with drink tickets and fucked everything up.”

Compounding what was already shaping up to be an uncomfortable situation was the fact that Delahunt hastily asked replacement bassist, Dustin Riggs, to inform Higgins he’d been sacked.

“I guess every group has some sort of hazing ritual they put new members through, but this seems a bit cruel if you ask me,” remarked Riggs after pumping himself up in the rear view mirror of the band’s van. “I don’t even know this guy, beyond all the shit-talking the rest of the group did about him. Now I’ve got to go up to him and tell him I’m the guy who replaced him in the group he co-founded? This is worse than the time my mother made me tell my father she wanted a divorce, and he had just been diagnosed with cancer.”

Music journalist Andy Greenwald echoed Riggs’ statement and added his insight on the topic.

“Punk bands tend not to be the most organized, so things like this often slip through the cracks,” said the former Spin editor. “At the same time though, kicking someone out of the band isn’t the same as, say, firing an employee. There’s no real structure or process to it, which can result in it getting pretty ugly, so I can see why these guys kind of sat on this. I think Joy Division did it best when they told their original drummer they thought their car had a flat, then drove off when he got out to check it.”

At press time, Higgins was knocking back his eighth beer, blissfully unaware that the bassist on stage setting up and soundchecking was not actually a new roadie the band hired.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Report: Simone Biles Earns Bronze On Beam You Probably Couldn’t Stand On

Posted on August 3, 2021 by Dianne Nora

TOKYO — American gymnast Simone Biles earned a bronze medal earlier today for her performance on a balance beam you probably can’t even hoist yourself up onto let alone stand on, according to a report from the National Center for Health Statistics.

“Third place?” you said, while struggling to carry two bags of groceries up one flight of stairs. “When you’re in an opportunity like that, you gotta just go balls to the wall fearless, the Olympics isn’t the kind of thing where you play it safe. If I was there, I’d be doing all kinds of crazy ninja flips and shit and just crushing it the whole time. It’s like when you stand up too fast — yeah, you may feel like you’re gonna pass out and fall right on top of your puzzles, but you gotta push through. The delivery guy isn’t gonna wait at the door forever, you gotta seize the moment.”

Additional opinion-havers who get nauseous watching children jump from the high diving board had a few “free pointers” to offer the most decorated gymnast of all time.

“So with the balance beam, the whole thing is to like, lower your center of gravity,” said Butte, Montana resident and person who’s been driving with a suspended license since 2019, Kristen Cunnigham. “Whenever I have to keep upright like that I need to touch my nose at the same time, which, I’m sure you can imagine, isn’t the easiest thing to do in a Big Lots parking lot at 1 a.m. They don’t keep those lights on all night. The trick is to focus and pay attention, but not too much attention. It’s kind of a beautiful dance, really. She’ll get there.”

Experts report that criticizing Black women for advocating for themselves and their bodies will be added to the next Olympic games, with the United States men’s team expected to sweep the entire event.

“If there’s any single event that’s capable of bringing the entire country, if not world, together, it’s the Olympics,” said data analyst Dana DiSilva. “Every four years millions of people huddle up in their dark apartments to watch marvels of modern athletic ability, which they can then safely criticize from the privacy of their own toilets.”

At press time, Biles was seen reading DM’s on Twitter from people who keep bumping their knees on the same corner of the bedframe giving pointers for keeping her core tight.

7 Lead Singers of Van Halen That Disrupted the Timeline and Have Been Erased

Posted on August 3, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

For decades, the hard rock behemoth that was Van Halen ruled the airwaves with the groundbreaking combination of Eddie Van Halen’s virtuoso guitar-playing, Michael Anthony’s bold bass and clear backing vocals, and Alex Van Halen’s ability to keep a beat. As we all know, Van Halen ran through a number of lead singers over the years. And as we also all know, we live in an infinite multiverse of constantly branching possible timelines.

Here is our definitive list of the 7 Van Halen frontmen whose ethereal existence once threatened causality itself, but no longer.

#1: Derek Van Halen: the original lead singer and the eldest of the Van Halen brothers, he was legendary for his commanding stage presence and utter dominance of the band’s musical direction. However, his very existence was a rebuke to the primacy of Eddie and has been corrected.

#2: Samantha Hagger: one of the extremely rare occurrences of a female lead singer in Van Halen, she joined the band after drinking both Van Halen brothers under the table. Her time in the group came to an end when she was slain in personal combat by the Gary Cherone of dystopian timeline 3443B during the gladiatorial battles of the Chrono-War.

#3: Alan Weedon of Des Moines, IA: This otherwise ordinary man won a radio contest to sing “Why Can’t This Be Love?” at a single Van Halen concert. This technically qualifies him as a lead singer of Van Halen, and for the rest of his life, he would not shut the fuck up about it and had to be corrected just to give everyone a break.

#4: Martin Scorsese: Not the one you’re thinking of, just an Italian guy with a great set of pipes.

#5: Baby Lee Roth: One of the “bad boys” of hard rock, this charismatic 10-month old was notorious for his jump kicks, colorful onesies and unintelligible babbling. His infamous on-stage temper tantrums and ever-present baby bottle of Jack Daniels made Baby Lee Roth a legend, but the timeline cannot be altered. He was corrected.

#6: Eddie Money: In all other timelines but this one, Eddie Money eventually becomes lead singer of Van Halen, ushering their most commercially and artistically successful phase. The duo of what came to be known as “The Two Eddies” is properly regarded as the greatest songwriting partnership of all time. Honestly, the prime timeline kind of sucks in comparison.

#7: Adolf Hitler: okay, you know how in an infinite universe, everything must inevitably happen somewhere? In 7893, Hitler is the guy who sang “Hot for Teacher,” “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘bout Love,” and “Panama.” Sucks, but that’s the multiverse for you.

Rock on, infinite Van Halens!

Man Mistakes Coworker’s Seething Hatred of Him for Inside Joke

Posted on August 3, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

MILWAUKEE — Delusional local man Rick Crawford is convinced coworker Mary Schneider’s barely-concealed hostility toward him is all part of an elaborate inside joke between two close buddies, multiple sources familiar with the situation confirmed.

“Work can be stressful, so I take it upon myself to try to lighten the mood. Whether it be by playfully razzing the new guy about his hairlip, hilariously announcing to everyone when one of my subordinates is taking a shit, or convincing the interns they’re fired to the point where they almost cry,” said Crawford. “Everyone loves it. Some even play along, too. Like Mary from marketing. We’ve got this hilarious bit where she pretends to hate me with the intensity of a thousand suns. I can’t help but laugh whenever I see her jokingly roll her eyes, or facetiously having one of her male coworkers walk her to her car because she’s afraid to be alone in the parking lot with me. So good. I guess women can be funny sometimes. Who knew?”

Schneider was baffled as to how Crawford could possibly be ignorant of her vehement dislike for him.

“This probably goes without saying, but Rick is our CEO’s son. So you can understand why most of us just keep our heads down and try to do our work. But he’s so goddamn clueless that he thinks my disdain for him is ‘cute banter.’ I’ve literally told him ‘I fucking hate you,’ and he just laughs and laughs,” said Schneider. “Now every time he does something like impersonate the Middle Eastern guy that runs the coffee shop next door, he’ll point to me and say ‘Mary, you know what I’m talking about.’ No wonder one of our coworkers keyed my car.”

Human resources representative Eliza Stewart explained how she handles working in such a hostile environment.

“When your boss is a nepotistic dumbshit and most of the complaints you receive are due to his heinous behavior, working in the HR department is a breeze,” explained Stewart. “Since we literally can’t do anything about it, me and the gals like to make a drinking game out of the boss’s many transgressions. You can pretty much count on me scoring a DWI the week after the office Christmas party.”

At press time, Crawford has been arrested after starting a new “inside joke” with Schneider that involved sending death threats to his ex-wife.

Fuck! My Boyfriend Remembered the Drunk Plans We Made To Start a Vlog Together

Posted on August 3, 2021 by Rachel Steele

I woke up this morning annoyed at all the noise my boyfriend Josh was making. He burst through the door with a new MacBook, a ring light, and about $800 worth of filming equipment. I was instantly filled with dread and nausea. Not just from being hungover, but also from realizing he remembered our drunk plans to start a vlog together.

I hoped we agreed to something useful or interesting like home renovation, cooking, or working out, but then the motherfucker pulled out two puke-green ukuleles from some cheap canvas cases. I wanted to die upon remembering that this was for sure my idea. But upon sober reflection, I think I’d rather sleep in a coffin, drown in a pool of bong water, and eat a pizza with wood chippings before I learn the fucking ukulele.

I tried remembering our conversation last night. There were some vague memories of him saying, “We should start a hobby together,” and “I really just want to get closer to you.” I forget if that was before or after, “Jennifer, I fear alcohol is the only thing that gets you out of bed in the morning.” Not sure. It’s all a blur.

I love Josh, so I went along with it. I figured I could talk him into another vlog format. But my optimism ran dry quickly as his camera personality on our first day of shooting made me physically sick. First, he recorded 7 different intros before settling on making a weird whooshing sound and saying, “Hey! What’s up, party people?” Until now, he’s never once used “party” as an adjective. Now he’s throwing around these terms like “content,” and “hits.” Who is this guy? I don’t even know him anymore.

I guess it can’t be all bad. Music is fun, and it’s nice we’re doing something together. Still, I’d rather he remembered the time we got drunk and agreed to open a farm for all the stray cats near our apartment.

New Descendents Album Features 12 Songs with Word “-Age” in Them

Posted on August 3, 2021 by Bobby Korec

MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Punk legends and cartoon mascot enthusiasts Descendents released a new album titled “9th & Walnut” featuring 12 never-before-released songs, each of which contains their signature word “-age” at the end of it, sources who correspondingly Googled what that could mean semantically confirmed.

“All these songs are the building blocks of what the Descendents became, and were written during a time when the rest of the guys in the band were really into repetitive suffixes,” said singer Milo Aukerman shortly before showing off his collection of rare laboratory beakers and flasks from his days as a biochemist. “Of course, we have well-known favorites like ‘Myage,’ ‘Bikeage,’ and ‘Marriage.’ But this release showcases a whole new subset of ‘-age’ related songs that we’ve always had in the chamber, and we’re excited to finally introduce them into the Descendents universe. One of my personal favorites is ‘Italianage Sausageage.’”

“Honestly though, everyone can pick out a Descendents album from the front image alone. Now fans can hopefully identify us by the tracklist on the back cover, too,” continued Aukerman. “Judging by several rounds of focus group testing, results are still inconclusive on that.”

However, the band discovered that this approach to songwriting has its downsides.

“It’s been 40 years since some of these songs were written. I wish I had been around then so I could have told Bill (Stevenson) and Frank (Navetta) that telling these songs apart due to their similar sounding names has become an absolute nightmare,” said guitarist Stephen Egerton. “Seriously, you try putting together a setlist when you can’t remember which one was ‘Untitledage’ and which was ‘To Be Determinedage.’ Perhaps there’s such a thing as too much ‘-age’ in your repertoire. Something I never thought possible.”

Experts weighed in on consistency with long-running bands.

“All successful and memorable musicians maintain individual themes and patterns throughout their careers,” said music critic Daphne Morslinger. “Iggy Pop has the no shirt thing, the Misfits have the spooky theme, and Joy Division had a monopoly on squiggly lines. Basically, every band needs their definable quality or else no one will remember you. Look no further than the Clash. What’s their thing? No clue, right? Turns out they didn’t even have one, and that’s why no one remembers them. An absolute tragedy.”

At press time, the band announced plans to take their fourth hiatus in their career in order to keep up with their historical track record of taking a break from music from time to time.

Pick up the new Descendents album “9th and Walnut” TODAY. Click here.

Photo by Ed Colver.

Congressional Leaders Promise Evictions Won’t Stop Constituents from Receiving Fundraising Mailers

Posted on August 2, 2021 by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi gathered with Democratic leadership this morning to issue a statement promising that the recently expired eviction moratorium would not prevent their constituents from receiving calls to donate via the US postal service.

“We’re determined to reach every eligible voter, even the thousands who are now at risk of losing their homes, and hound them for donations,” Pelosi said, addressing critics from the left ranks of her party. “If there’s one thing all American lawmakers can agree on, it’s a desire to get every last penny from the people in our districts. And while the terms ‘Congress of the United States’ or ‘House of Representatives’ cannot be legally included on any of these mailings, that hasn’t stopped us from hitting up ordinary folks across this nation to donate to our PACs and ballot initiatives. We didn’t let campaign finance reform stop us, and we won’t let the fact that you and your family now live in your car stop us either.”

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer expanded on Pelosi’s statement, saying that the party would soon lay out a plan to partner with local organizations to reach unhoused people.

“We’ve enlisted the help of police across the country to find our voters, even those who’ve just been thrown out of their homes, and shake them down for every last cent they can give,” Hoyer confirmed. “Of course, this will require expanding police budgets to fully accomplish our goals, so in the meantime, we’ve also enlisted some local vigilantes to find every last one of our constituents. Of course, this is just a stopgap solution: ultimately, no one can harass a homeless person better than a cop.”

Harriet Creighton, a researcher at George Mason University who focuses on American spending, said that Americans in poverty tend to donate a larger portion of their income to political causes.

“You’d think that people who’ve lost their homes might not be able to afford to give, but my research has repeatedly shown that those most at risk, whose access to healthcare and civil rights, for example, are repeatedly on the line, are so terrified every time an election rolls around that they continue to donate significant portions of their income. It’s a tried-and-true system,” Creighton explained. “Americans across the political spectrum share an understanding that no matter how precarious their financial situation seems to be, there’s always a politician ready to make it worse.”

At press time, Pelosi added that she had also requested that every member of Congress observe a moment of silence from their vacation homes to consider their unhoused constituents during the Congressional recess.

New Yorker Refuses to Acknowledge Chicago Pizza Rat as Legitimate Rodent

Posted on August 2, 2021 by Ben Friedman

NEW YORK — Lifelong city resident Danny Rossi started a campaign early this week denouncing the legitimacy of a city rat that would prefer Chicago deep dish pizza over New York style.

“Pizza Rat is a goddamn New York icon. You’ll be hard pressed to find a better metaphor for living in this place. My buddy went to Chicago for a business trip, he called me up and said he saw one of their rats dragging a ‘pizza’ onto the L. Buddy, get your fucking eyes checked,“ said Alphabet City resident Rossi. “No discernible rat would stoop so low to eat what’s basically a loaf of bread with sauce on it. What we’re dealing with here is an overgrown mouse with brain damage.”

Rossi’s friend who witnessed the Chicago variant of Pizza Rat was confused by his sudden elitism.

“I just thought it was funny to see another rat with a pizza, what is there to argue? We went back and forth for like 20 minutes, him telling me I probably just saw a raccoon or a possum or even a mongoose. Why the hell would there be a mongoose in Chicago?” said David Blumenfeld. “I had to just sit there and listen to him rant about how even the biggest rat could carry a pizza that can’t be folded. I mean he’s not wrong, but I’m not sure if I would go as far as being xenophobic about carb-loving rodents.”

Chicago pizza establishment Polchaski’s Pizza has since begun a campaign to have their city’s pizza rat recognized for being as culturally relevant as its East Coast counterpart.

“Our deep dish rat is just as good — no, better than that scrawny little shit, who’s only famous for basically dragging a dollar slice down the stairs. You gotta be tough to survive in Chi-Town, and only the baddest, jacked up rats can handle deep dish,” said restaurant owner Bob Polchaski. “I’m tired of New Yorkers thinking they’re better than us and our vermin. I’m proud to be known as the joint where this rat stole that slice straight outta one of my customer’s hands. That guy’s got balls.”

At press time, Polchaski and Rossi came to a truce after agreeing no rodent in their right mind would consume pizza with pineapple on it.

America Wishes There Had Been Some Sort of Warning of Rising Temperatures

Posted on August 2, 2021 by Ryan Danley

OMAHA, Neb. — Citizens across the country are coping with record breaking heat and wondering why there has been seemingly zero warning of rising temperatures by the scientific community, sources showing signs of heat stroke confirmed.

“I’m not sure where my hard earned tax dollars are going! This all seems like it came out of nowhere. I pay attention to the news, and all I remember is them talking about a boy that was kidnapped back in ‘94 and the world’s biggest yard sale. Absolutely nothing about a global climate apocalypse,” said local real estate developer Rick Stevens while driving his F250 750 feet to the corner store. “This is screwing up people’s lives! Last week it was nearly 115 degrees. My sister could barely keep her ranch dip cold at their annual pig roast.”

While the overheated public’s patience with their elected officials is growing thin, frustrated Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts (R) is searching for answers himself.

“I’m as gosh darn angry as anyone. As an agricultural state, we would have hoped there would be some sort of preparation as we watch yet another summer of crops burn, fundamentally altering our economy and helping destroy the already fragile food pipeline in this country. But when I contacted my lobbyist with the oil company, they said they hadn’t heard anything,” said Ricketts. “But I don’t want the public to worry. I have an extensive plan. When in doubt, always deregulate. The free market will fix it all.”

When pressed on the subject, environmental scientist Dr. Sarah Grander had nothing but a vague cryptic response.

“At this point I’m not even bothering to say anymore about it. I’m stockpiling rations, building a climate-controlled subterranean shelter, and hoping I can live my final days there in comfort while the surface burns. You would think at the very least that people would have their own best interests at heart. But nope. It’s like they want to die,” said Dr. Grander. “I used to spend my days warning my elected officials. But after being called a ‘commie’ a hundred times, I now spend my days storing clean water and setting up traps for the pending starvation hordes.”

The American population was further concerned about impending resource exhaustion while throwing away enough viable food to end starvation across the globe.

Aw I Got Fuckin’ Paint on My Brand New Carhartt Shirt!

Posted on August 2, 2021 by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Just because I’m a workin’ man doesn’t mean I don’t want to be fashionable. And these long days as a salt-of-the-earth camera assistant on fashion photoshoots sure do take their toll. But I didn’t rock this sick new Carhartt shirt thinking some gross painter would splatter me! If I had received a little heads up that the mansion we’re shooting in was under renovation, I would’ve worn a more work-appropriate shirt.

And can ya believe the painter himself was in Carhartt?! Actually, a lot of the guys working on this house are dressed in it too. But the Carhartt on all these electricians, carpenters, and painters was stretched, torn, and mad faded. They must have some pretty rich parents if they can afford to treat brand-name clothes like that. Personally, I don’t judge but I doubt the fine people at Carhartt would appreciate their products being disrespected by entire trades.

See, we all rock Carhartt on set. That’s why when the rest of our crew saw the paint on my shirt, I had to reassure them that it was caused by some negligent, rich-boy painter who didn’t give a fuck about my, or his, fashionable clothing.

Remember in Zoolander when Ben Zoolander tried to work with his dad and brothers in that coal mine? And how he didn’t fit in due to his own ego and lack of perspective? Some people are so oblivious to how they come across. Granted, that has nothing to do with this situation. I just kept getting reminded of that scene today.

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