Fact Repeated Mockingly

Posted on by Dom Choi

SPOKANE, Wash. — Recent college graduate Matt DeLuca lost an argument early yesterday afternoon after his uncle, Gino DeLuca, simply repeated a fact back to him in a mocking tone, according to triumphant sources.

“College boy over here was trying to tell me why we should erase this country’s great history, saying that ‘Manifest Destiny was racist’ and ‘the Trail of Tears was called that for a reason.’ I realized that these people just won’t listen to facts, so I let him know how stupid he sounds,” the elder DeLuca stated before continuing in a mocking cadence from the back of his throat. “Oh, America has a deeply racist, sexist, and classist past that negatively affects people to this day! Unnhhhh.”

“You see how stupid that sounds when I say it that way?” he added in a regular voice.

Matt DeLuca was enraged by his uncle’s winning technique.

“You can’t just have that be your entire stance. ‘Nyuh!’ is not a valid argument! I have a Master’s in Public Policy and a Bachelor’s in American History,” DeLuca explained. “I feel pretentious saying that, but I know my shit! He’s arguing like a seventh grader and thanks to people like him, these seventh graders won’t know any better.”

“I told my mom this would happen, but she was just like ‘Matty, stahhhp, he’s faaaamily,’” he added, invoking a high pitch and nasally inflection in an impersonation of his mother.

Onlookers of this confrontation found Gino DeLuca’s strategy to be effective and enlightening.
“Now, I was fairly convinced at first that Critical Race Theory might not have been so bad,” said distant cousin Jamie Burns. “I mean, it made sense to teach deeper impacts of actions until Gino showed us all how silly it sounds! Matt presented a lot of nice, factual-sounding opinions but, after all, they were just opinions, right? And none of them were funny, nor were they used to own Gino. Case closed.”

After the events of his graduation party, Matt DeLuca has since dropped out of his doctoral program and is planning to move into the hollowed-out part of an abandoned kayak in the woods.

Photo by John Danek.

5 Weed Strains That Go Terribly With Our Dealer’s Long, Meandering Story

Posted on by Dan Rice

Any true connoisseur of cannabis knows that it’s all about the right pairing. Just as you need the right wine for the right meal, different situations call for different strains of Mary Jane. Unfortunately, our plug is a bit of a talker, and no strain in the world can make his exhaustively pointless story even remotely tolerable.

Here are the top 5 strains of cannabis that make listening to Tommy run his dumb-ass mouth the absolute fucking worst.

5: Black Afghan
This high potency, Indica-dominant hybrid creates a euphoric state of relaxation, but with enough uplifting cerebral effect to avoid the dreaded “couch lock” of similar strains. For regular smokers, it’s a perfect strain for almost any occasion — with the glaring exception of being stuck listening to Tommy talk about how he almost didn’t get to see Phish last month, or something. This is hell.

Black Afghan’s high THC level, combined with its pleasing terpenes profile of dark berry and sage, will delay your reaction time just enough that it is literally impossible to derail Tommy’s meaningless, boring diatribe. Seriously it’s been like eight straight minutes, how is he still talking?

4. Green Crack
Talk about a strain that lives up to its name! This tangy, full-on Sativa is so energizing you’ll find yourself wondering what the hell is in it. Unfortunately, its invigorating effects are only making Tommy’s meandering, endless bullshit story all the more unbearable, as our stimulated mind is now excitedly generating literally a million better things to do than sit here and listen to this bullshit. Now he’s on a tangent about how Sill and Olivia broke up, two people I have never met. Jesus Christ, we’re not even really friends!

3. Purple Trainwreck
I feel like I’m in a mental prison. This heavy-duty purp got us so fucked that we admitted we weren’t paying attention and Tommy started the WHOLE STORY over again.

The heavy-ass Indica effects of this strain make every redundant second of Tommy’s bullshit all the more unbearable while simultaneously reinforcing the social paranoia that prohibits us from saying “shut the fuck up dude!” and leaving.

2. Blue Dream
Honestly just trying to smoke myself into a coma at this point. Maybe I’m already in one? Tommy is back to the part he started from, but now he’s talking about how Uber Eats fucked up his Popeye’s last week and he still hasn’t mentioned Phish again since the beginning so we’ve got a long way to go here.

1. Tommy Does NOT Know How To Tell A Story
I have become so numb and lost in the overwhelming details of Tommy’s absolute non-story that I have begun to forget the details of my own life. Do I have a job? A significant other? How did I get here?

Pleasant body high. Watch out for dry mouth and a painfully self-aware mental sundowning.

Punk Sort Of Likes That One Kacey Musgraves Song, and That Other One, Plus That One’s Not So Bad, and The First Four Albums Are Good Too

Posted on by Zach Raffio

RAHWAY, N.J. — Local punk Matt Gerricks shared this week that, despite his commitment to the punk genre and lifestyle, he does like that one Kacey Musgraves song, plus that other one, and that one’s not so bad, and come to think of it, her first four albums are good too, friends of the young ruffian confirmed.

“I’m not usually into that country stuff, I’ve always found it pretty boring,” noted Gerricks, who was whistling Musgraves’ “High Horse” before the interview, after the interview, and in between every single question. “I don’t even know when it started. I think I was stealing frozen pizzas from a Walmart and Kacey was playing in the store. I guess her songs are sort of catchy, and the lyrics are pretty smart, and the production’s neat, and she’s a really great musician, and her style is fucking incred- uh, I mean, yeah. The songs can be kind of catchy.”

Breanna Till, Gerricks’ roommate who has slept in a pair of tightly-laced Doc Martens for the past 12 years, agreed that Musgraves is “not so bad, yeah.”

“I caught her set at a fest a few years ago, totally random,” claimed Gerricks, who kept reiterating that she was at a Gulch show last night despite their not having played any east coast shows in over a year. “Come to think of it, I’d actually seen her twice before that. And, completely coincidentally, around 10 times since. Somehow ended up at a $200, fan club-only meet and greet at one of the shows, too. I mean like, if she is already on I wouldn’t tell anyone to shut it off, and if like she was ever on Cameo and someone got her to wish me happy birthday as a goof then I’d think that is pretty funny. It’s not like I would cry or anything.”

Esteemed rare record collector Sarah P. Hurtsin, whose vast catalog includes several albums that haven’t even been recorded yet, weighed in with her thoughts on the punk pair’s fandom while sitting next to a vinyl display of Musgraves’ entire discography.

“Those posers wouldn’t know underground if they fell in a hole,” claimed Hurtsin, who perked up in a Pavlovian manner when we mentioned having biscuits for breakfast. “I keep the albums on display because they represent a pastiche that blends modern sensibilities with a classic sense of Americana, and also in case I want to put on ‘Pageant Material.’ You know, for research purposes.”

At press time, Gerricks and Till happened to stumble upon a signing for Musgraves’ latest record, “Star-Crossed,” and coincidentally happened to be first in line by about five hours. They were later than they intended, though, as they got held up getting matching tattoos that “might accidentally, somewhat, in the right light” be the full lyrics of Kacey Musgraves’ “Follow Your Arrow.”

Fire Truck Being a Bit Dramatic

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

TORONTO — A local fire truck en route to a fire reportedly honked and blared its siren despite there being no vehicles obstructing its path after all traffic politely pulled over to allow the emergency vehicle passage, witnesses confirmed.

“What the hell was that? We were all pulled over, we all saw the flashing lights from a mile away,” said annoyed motorist Steve Tinto. “We all know the protocol, dude. There’s no one blocking him. At one point it stopped in the middle of an intersection and just went to town like it was trying to blow out the windows of a condo they are building on the corner. Why’s that thing gotta lay on the horn like that? Jesus, that’s so fucking rude. And loud, very, very loud.”

The neighbor who reported the fire was also disappointed in the fire truck’s highly dramatic and inappropriate behavior, and expressed concerned about the effects it may have on her young children.

“That truck is a bit of a drama queen. We get it, you’re big and loud. Who cares? My kids might have hearing damage now because that damn truck wanted everyone to know it was about to go be heroic. Big whoop, I saved a baby bird last week and you don’t see me demanding a parade,” ranted Karen Boison. “I never would have even called them if I had known they were going to make such a scene. These are adult fire trucks we’re talking about. Aren’t they taught to remain calm and orderly during an emergency?”

The fire truck offered an apology to the community, but gave no sign that this behavior would cease.

“It’s been a tough week, man. There’s been a lot of frustration building up, and I needed to scream for a bit,” reported Rick, a triple combination apparatus truck. “My life is just driving from fire to fire and the occasional preschool to show off how high my ladder can go. I wanna go to the beach. I wanna go to California and cruise down the Pacific Coast Highway. I want to sleep under the stars. I want to have a life.”

“I’m sorry if I’m loud sometimes, but that’s just how they built me. If I make a peep in the firehouse, they yell at me,” added the fire truck. “I think I’m depressed but the firemen would laugh at me if I told them. Just let me scream and honk, okay? It’s all I have.”

At press time, an unmarked cop car was reportedly seen backing up into a wall repeatedly after an argument with his ambulance mistress.

Man’s General Outlook on State of Humanity Changes Around Six Times While Scrolling Through Twitter

Posted on by Gabe Porter

RUCKERSVILLE, Va. — Local man Camden Singh had his overall worldview and philosophy shattered then reformed no less than six times while using social media app Twitter, sources confirmed.

“I’ll be flicking my thumb mindlessly until I see a post that completely upends my ideology. The other day I saw this huge thread about climate change,” began Singh, as he endlessly scrolled with his thumb. “It said that we’re gonna all be dead soon and that the planet won’t be habitable. I knew then and there that mankind was nothing more than beasts. We are the makers of our own doom, and it is one that we fully deserve. But after that, I saw this heartwarming post about a couple who adopted this old cat and I realized how wrong I was, only to realize again that humanity truly is horrible after I saw a thread about everything George Bush has done. It would almost be thrilling if it wasn’t slowly chipping away at any sense of humanity I have left.”

Friends close to Singh said they’ve grown worried by his ever-changing mind.

“He’ll just stand in the corner, glass-eyed,” Biannca MacDonald, a longtime friend of Singh, began. “Sometimes I’ll hear a little groan of disapproval. That’s when I know he saw a thread about people getting wrongfully evicted. But a couple of seconds later he’ll have a little grin on his face, probably because of some fundraising event that he won’t actually donate to. I’ve been trying to reach him and let him know it’s alright to not be on Twitter, but when I tried to make him get off he screamed something about a community fridge. So I think I might have lost him for good.”

Singh said he sees nothing wrong with his habits.

“Okay, some people might not be able to handle this much new information, but luckily I have found a great method for dealing with it,” he said. “I simply don’t actually absorb anything I read. It washes over and influences me, but it’s no big deal. Whatever it did to me will be undone within the minute, or however long it takes to watch a TikTok about hemming oversized jeans without using a sewing machine, or an infographic about microplastics. It’s all a great balancing act.”

At press time, Singh figured out that nothing in the universe means anything, but upon seeing a GIF of a prairie dog using a pistachio muffin as a pillow, realized that we all find our own meanings.

We Sat Down With U2 Because the Meeting Just Appeared in Our Calendar One Day

Posted on by Kendra Mosenson

Last week, the one iPhone shared by the entire Hard Times staff got a calendar alert, which was weird because we thought we deleted that app. Anyway, we were shocked to see that we had an interview scheduled with the legendary classic rock radio station band, U2. While we’re not sure how this meeting got put in our phone in the first place, we jumped at the chance to speak with rock icons and marketing geniuses, Bono and Pals.

The Hard Times: Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with us. Honestly, we don’t really know how this happened.
Bono: You’re actually not the first interviewer to say that to us. Wink wink. Did you know I pick out which sunglasses to wear to these things weeks in advance?

Did you just say “wink wink?”
Bono: Well you wouldn’t have seen me wink through these glasses, now would you?

Damn. You got us. Well, no one from our team remembers scheduling this. Apparently, it just appeared on our calendar out of nowhere. Do you remember which staff member you spoke to about it?
Adam Clayton: Our manager handles all that.
The Edge: Personally, I’ve been really looking forward to this for a long time.

What? How long has this been planned for? Hey, wait. Is it the same manager responsible for releasing “Songs of Innocence” onto every iTunes user’s device without warning?
Bono: I don’t see how HackWiz696969 is relevant here.

That’s the name of your manager?
The Edge: Don’t you want to ask us about our music or something?

Of course, sure. How do you think, after so many years together, you manage to keep the energy alive when making music?
Bono: H-W says that the best way to keep people paying attention is to force our music onto so many of them that even if it makes most people hate us on a guttural, physiological level, there will still be enough people who can’t avoid it that our numbers will continue to hit our record label’s expectations.

Punk Mom Keeps Asking Daughter When She’s Going to Get Divorced

Posted on by Dom Turek

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — A punk mom put pressure on her happily married 36-year-old daughter to get divorced before it’s too late, sources close to the family confirmed.

“I hope I live long enough to at least see her get separated,” said Zella Hunter, scrolling through a list of local divorce lawyers on her phone. “Since the day she got married, I’ve imagined her walking down the aisle of her attorney’s office in my old Cramps T-shirt and signing a petition for the dissolution of marriage. It’s the single most important day in any woman’s life, and it’s every mother’s dream to see her little girl turn her back on the patriarchal systems that be.”

As the average age for divorce in the United States becomes younger and younger each year, many parents fear that it just may never happen for their aging children.

“My mom is worried what the neighbors will think if I’m still married by 40,” said Rebecca Flanders, Hunter’s daughter. “As the only child of a punk mother, there’s always been a lot of pressure on me not to succeed. I was taught that a woman is supposed to get married, get divorced, and file for supervised visits with her children, but I’ve always had this urge to rebel and get married to my high school sweetheart in a chapel. I can’t make everyone happy, so I’ll just have to settle for making myself and my husband and our deeply satisfying relationship good with our decision.”

Matters between the feuding mother and daughter pair have only worsened since Flanders and her husband decided to file their taxes jointly.

“She [Hunter] was enraged that we were filing our taxes at all, let alone together,” said Martin Flanders, Rebecca’s husband. “She sees it as just one more step toward us not getting divorced. It’s gotten to the point where we show up to family functions pretending to be unhappy just so we don’t worry her. When you marry someone, you marry their whole family. I just wish I could find a way to divorce my mother-in-law.”

At press time Hunter was seen begging the couple not to give her any grandchildren.

Review: Interpol “Turn on the Bright Lights”

Posted on by Krissy Howard

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we look back on the breakout 2002 album “Turn on the Bright Lights” from NYC-based indie band, Interpol.

The first time I heard an Interpol song was while I was doing what I spent a regrettable two dozen years of my life doing: pretending to be interested in whatever the men around me were into in an effort to smoke weed for free. I was watching what was likely the sixth consecutive hour of skate videos when I heard it — bizarre, somewhat-twangy strumming accompanied by what may or may not be a keyboard being played underwater.

Brian Anderson skating to “Obstacle 1” snapped me out of my early-2000’s brick weed-induced stupor for a moment, but it would be years before I learned who wrote that song, in part because the internet wasn’t what it is today, and in another part, because my only access to that internet was in 50-minute increments on the free computers at my hometown library, which is just barely enough time to get through most of the missed connections on Craigslist.

When I finally learned that the album is Interpol’s “Turn on the Bright Lights,” I headed straight to Limewire to illegally download a copy, in six parts. Listening to the album took me right back to 2003, mostly because it basically sounds like what it would feel like to be in a black and white photograph taken on a disposable camera. It made me think about how different me and my friends’ lives are today than they were almost 20 years ago, and wonder how in the fuck so many of them tricked completely functional women into marrying them.

I am happy for them, but not really. I am going to die alone.

Anyway, the album does a great job peppering in dreamy songs with faster songs, all of which make me feel compelled to throw on a sweater and journal or make tiny ornaments out of clay. As I know for certain that’s exactly what so many bands aim for when writing an album, I’d say that Interpol really hit the mark with this one, and I should have no less than three dozen kinky gnomes ready to ship three weeks before Christmas. Find me on Etsy for more info.

Score: 5/5 hits off a glass bowl in Scott Patrillo’s living room in 2003. Try and beat that, The Strokes.

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45-Year-Old Woman Slashes Laptop After Spotify Suggests Adult Contemporary Playlist

Posted on by Joanna McNaney Stein

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — 45-year-old salon owner Jessica Hunter slashed her laptop with barber shears in response to an “adult contemporary” playlist recommendation given to her by music streaming service Spotify, according to sources.

“I was listening to my ‘90s mix when all of a sudden I saw an Adult Contemporary playlist appear. I just turned 45. Now I ‘might enjoy’ Wings?!” commented Hunter outside the Apple store, where she stood in line waiting to have her screen replaced. “I broke my nose at a Nine Inch Nails concert in ‘92, ok? The algorithm is total bullshit!”

Neighbors living above the salon reported hearing commotion, which they mistook for one of Hunter’s “semi-regular crying sessions or whatever she does in there on Fridays.”

“I thought she’d hurt herself, so I went down to check because she’s a little older,” said the concerned neighbor, Ariel Colon. “When I peeked inside, she was rocking back and forth on the floor, cradling her laptop and mumbling about James Taylor. I used to let her cut my bangs, but I don’t think I should now.”

Recent college graduate and Spotify’s Head of Research and Aging, Emma Greer, admitted this was not an isolated incident.

“I can’t say I’m surprised. We’ve received several complaints of violent reactions. One man punched himself in the face when Smooth Jazz came up. Another person crushed an entire iPhone in her fist. I would say more, but lawsuits are pending,” explained Greer. “Almost all Gen X-ers prefer to make their own playlists. Apparently they used things called ‘cassettes’ a while back. I hope I’m pronouncing that right, I don’t know a lot of French.”

At press time, Hunter was seen lighting an L.L. Bean mailer on fire.

Police Department Wins Emmy for Best Editing

Posted on by Ken Taro

LOS ANGELES — A relatively obscure film from the Indianapolis Police Department titled “Officer William Jameson’s Body Camera Footage 3/19/21” was awarded the Emmy for Outstanding Picture Editing For An Unstructured Reality Program.

“There were so many deserving entries from other precincts from around the country, so I was honored even to be nominated,” sputtered Officer Jameson as he wiped away tears. “A lot of work went on behind the scenes to make this happen. I had to switch my body cam off and on at least a dozen times, all with my left hand. And this was a real high wire act. I made sure I lifted the hood of my squad car so there was no coverage from my dash cam. Thankfully, I have had a lot of training when it comes to manipulating my equipment to suit the needs of my department.”

Academy member Amos Pfeiffer was one of the leading advocates for the footage that ends with a civilian lying bloody and dead in front of a liquor store.

“Some of my colleagues were skeptical at first, because the end product seemed a bit choppy,” explained Pfeiffer. “But I convinced them that they were witnessing brilliant, tension-filled television like we have never seen before. Officer Jameson shows up on the scene, talks to a man, and then a scuffle ensues. After 45 seconds of blank space, we see the civilian is dead on the ground. This was a very artistic endeavor, because we are forced to fill in the gaps with our imagination. Found footage catches a lot of flack these days, but it shouldn’t, especially in this case where the authenticity lends to the suspense. This makes ‘The Blair Witch Project’ and ‘Paranormal Activity’ look like ‘Ratatouille,’ in my opinion.”

Tina Alvarez, an Indianapolis resident who caught the act in person and watched the award show, shook her head in disgust.

“I find it gross that this butchered clip ended up getting so many accolades,” said Alvarez. “I filmed all 7 minutes of the incident, but it gets rejected everywhere I try to submit it. Awards don’t matter to me, I just want someone, anyone, to watch this whole video and see that the officer intentionally murdered an innocent man. But instead I get members of the police department driving by my house very slowly every two hours.”

After receiving the award, Officer Jameson announced he would be conducting workshops at precincts across the country to train fellow officers in the best “on the fly” video editing techniques.