We Rank These Mountain Dews on How Goth They Are, and It Is Not Easy

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

For years, Mountain Dew has reigned as the favored effervescent beverage for gamers, skaters and bros alike. But thanks to a recent editorial mandate about expanding The Hard Times readership and some bullshit called “cross-platforming,” it’s now up to us to figure out how to make Mountain Dew seem Goth. So best we can do is rank, we guess?

Man, this assignment is total bullshit.

Anyway, here goes:

Original Mountain Dew: Medium Goth. We’re going to say it’s a medium level of Goth, because who’s to say it’s not? Besides, “Medium Goth” is probably pretty good for SEO, with Halloween around the corner. We’re calling this one good and moving on, because otherwise we’re going to be here all day.

Caffeine Free Mountain Dew: Very Low Goth. Goths like caffeine, right? Seems like staying up all night would require caffeine. Goths are definitely creatures of the night, so we’re going to call this one low on the list.

God, this is fucking awful. Is this even readable? Is it funny? Doesn’t it seem like we’re prioritizing clicks over actual quality content?

Mountain Dew Cake-Smash: Zero goth. Maybe if it was like, blood cake or something. Goths probably eat cake if there’s blood in it. This is not what we went to journalism school for.

Mountain Dew DEW-S-A: There’s nothing Goth about patriotism. Next.

Baja Blast: Medium Goth. I know this isn’t logical, but we used to know this Goth dude who fucking chowed down on Taco Bell like every day. So we can probably assume it’s pretty Goth. Okay, home stretch!

Mountain Dew Riddlers Brew: Very Goth. Okay, this one isn’t out yet, but work with us here. It seems to be promotionally tied to Matt Reeves’ “The Batman” movie, and Batman is pretty goth. Oh, right and Robert Pattinson is playing Batman in it, and he also played a vampire for a long time. That’s especially Goth.

Mountain Dew Pitch Black: Exceptionally Goth. We left this one for last because it’s pretty self-evidently the most Goth a Dew can be, which still isn’t that much. But this has been very trying and we just want to end on an easy note.

Oh shit I forgot Mountain Dew Code Red. That’s kinda goth, right? Like blood? Cherry blood? This was a rough one. Fucking SEO, how do we even make money from this? Can someone explain it to me? Whatever, this is done. ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS! Okay, bye.

“Cherry Bomb” Played In Lieu Of Actual Female Character Development

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Director of the upcoming action thriller “Day Of The Eagle” Thad Phillips was able to use the classic The Runaways hit “Cherry Bomb” to eliminate the problem of creating a backstory for the female lead, sources reported.

“We don’t have the time to create a backstory for everyone. So when Jennifer [Barber] enters the shot, we just went ahead and tossed in that song. It’s like a backstory in a box. We now know she’s a ‘bad girl’ who can probably fight, and is probably promiscuous. No need to reinvent the wheel,” said Phillips. “It really opened the entire movie up. We’re able to get a deep introspective look at the male lead’s complicated relationship with his boyhood friends, but we also now have time to get to Joe the coffee shop owner’s troubling relationship with his lying ex-wife.”

Actor Jennifer Barber was not surprised by how the project turned out.

“At first I had a beautiful backstory about a woman having to fight for everything in her life. But after the script got ‘reimagined,’ I’m mostly there to be saved by the male lead. That probably saved the studio like 50K,” said Barber. “I’m sure The Runaways would be proud to see their song put to such good use. At least it’s better than the last movie. I had no intro music at all and my character’s entire personality was just the fact that she used a Zippo. Hopefully in the next movie I’ll be an actual person.”

While this technique may seem new, Dan Saltzman, head of the Cinema Association, said audio has been used to fill in gaps since the beginning of filmmaking.

“We’ve seen this technique used extensively. On an ‘80s sitcom when a rebellious motorcycle friend showed up, they got a barroom blues riff. Or when a woman talks, we got creepy Halloween music to know that some nagging was coming,” said Saltzman. “In the recent ‘Golden Age Of Television’ we saw a departure from that, and directors were taking the time to actually write Carmela Soprano or Skyler White as obstacles to their husbands’ awesome crime and murders. Luckily we got over that, and can focus more on dudes doing rad shit.”

Phillips was unavailable for further comment as he was busy figuring out which hip hop song would represent the Black Judge character.

How Am I Supposed To Do Karaoke Here When They Don’t Have a Single Napalm Death Song Available?

Posted on by Ken Taro

I’m at my wit’s end with this whole karaoke deal. I am stuck in a sea of nice enough but unsophisticated 20-somethings who only want to belt out Taylor Swift tunes with a “Sweet Caroline” or “Don’t Stop Believing” thrown in here or there between Lemon Drop shots. I’m trying not to be a wet blanket and join in the fun, but how am I supposed to do that when this DJ has not one Napalm Death song?

I’m just trying to be a team player, and make the best of the night. I figured I would browse the song selection book for “Siege of Power,” you know, keep it pedestrian. So, I looked. And I looked. And looked some more. As there were 600 songs to choose from, I understood that it might take a few minutes to find. But it was nowhere to be seen! What the fuck? I started to sweat. I felt everyone staring at me as my Extreme Noise Terror patch started peeling off my vest.

What the hell am I supposed to do here? I can’t believe I showered for this.

I will admit that my tastes are a bit extreme. I can’t be too baffled that Insect Warfare, Suicidal Tendencies, and Decapitated also aren’t on the menu. The next step is to tone it down a little bit and compromise with a Dead Kennedys number. Surely they will be in the collection, right? Nope! Nor did they offer Anthrax, Minor Threat or NOFX. Umm, HELLO. It’s not like I’m trying to do a 20-minute Neurosis piece that is one step above Gregorian chanting (not that I would be opposed to that, if given the opportunity).

I don’t want my coworkers to view me as the brooding, unapproachable guy who wears metal t-shirts; that’s why I came to karaoke night in the first place. But I guess I expected to be met a little closer to half-way than this!

They didn’t even have any Misfits songs, and they sell Misfits shirts at the store and stuff! I don’t know a ton about being a karaoke DJ, but if you don’t offer “Last Caress” you’re just not doing your job, buddy!

It’s bad enough that I’m swilling Bud Light Lime and something called kickin mac’n cheese sliders. But to not have a single good song in the entire collection? Joe Strummer is rolling in his jar right now. The only thing left to do is knock over the karaoke machine and grab the microphone so I can do “You Suffer,” which is exactly 1.316 seconds long.

Better have 5 more of these Lemon Drops first, they’re actually really good!

Merch Guy Has Name Apparently

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

DAYTON, Ohio — Members of local punk band False Dmitri were shocked to learn that their longtime merch guy had a first, middle, and last name, sources reported.

“Get the fuck out of here, I had no idea,” said surprised frontman Scott Novacek. “We always just called him the merch dude. I didn’t even know he worked for us for a while, just figured he was following the band around or something. At one point I think I was calling him Steve, but then our guitarist told me that Steve was our bassist, so I guess I figured he just didn’t have a name. Not sure how he’s been getting paid, come to think of it.”

The merch guy, whose name is Tyler Aaron Gaines, seemed unbothered by the slight.

“I’ve known these guys for a while, since middle school actually. But I’m just the merch dude, so I wouldn’t expect them to really remember a thing like that,” a nonchalant Gaines remarked. “Well, technically, I guess I’m also their roadie since I usually end up helping them load their gear and soundcheck. I also typically settle up their bar tabs for them whenever they go over their allotted amount, but again, little things, so I can’t fault them. Two of them did call me ‘big guy’ at my wedding, so I know they’re making an effort.”

Industry insiders noted that, while merch and sound guys are typically on the lower end of the scene respect spectrum, this incident is especially rare.

“Bands seem to exist in their own little worlds, but this case is especially harsh,” noted venue manager Stacey Deakins. “This guy, whoever he is, seems to be an essential part of their group, so you’d think they’d at least pretend to know his name. I have eight dedicated people on my staff here, and I’ve made it my personal duty to know four of their names. I feel like by the end of the year I might reach that goal. ”

At press time, the band had offered the merch guy to another band in an attempt to settle a gambling debt.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Review: Angel Du$t “YAK: A Collection of Truck Songs”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Angel Du$t, Baltimore’s constantly morphing indie-pop group featuring members of Turnstile and Trapped Under Ice, are back at it with their fourth LP, YAK: A Collection of Truck Songs.

I’ve never been the biggest pop music fan but Angel Du$t is undeniably fun and just as addictive as the name might suggest. Although, I wouldn’t compare listening to this record to actually trying PCP. Believe me, it’s not the same at all. I should know because I smoked some just to see if it would bring me the same amount of joy as this record. It didn’t. Not even close.

First of all, do you know how easy it is to find PCP? It’s literally like the Starbucks of drugs because there’s someone selling on almost every block. Sometimes there are even multiple dealers on the same block. Anyways, I found some, sprinkled the entire contents of the baggie out in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and scarfed it down.

About an hour later I began to feel consumed by this overwhelming sensation. I felt stronger, faster, sharper, everything you’d imagine to feel if you had just acquired superpowers. That’s when my memory gets a little fuzzy. I remember going out for a run and thinking “it’s hot,” before removing all my clothes. Not long after that I was being harassed by these blue demons with little mouths where their eyes should be. They were accompanied by these big white slugs with flashing lights.

Fearing for my life and the safety of the people screaming all around me, I decided to use my newfound powers for good and chose to protect my fellow citizens by bashing in the faces of these demons against their flashy slugs. Pretty sure I even flipped one of those giant beasts over on my own. After that I just remember waking up in a hospital, handcuffed to the bed with a fractured jaw, where a doctor informed me that the PCP I took had sent me into a psychotic rage and I was being charged with two counts of attempted murder on a police officer, destruction of property and indecent exposure. I’m still in the county jail now awaiting my court date.

Score: 5 stars for the album and 1 star for the drugs. I’d give the drugs 0 stars if I could, but damn I felt strong.

/**/

New Reunion Special Features All 7 Actors Who Have Played Andrew W.K.

Posted on by Peter Woods

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Representatives from HBO Max and the creative team behind Andrew W.K. announced plans to air a reunion special featuring all seven actors who have played Andrew W.K. over the past 20 years, during a press conference earlier today.

“It’s hard to overstate just how important this is for fans of the franchise. This will be the first time all seven actors will be in the same room together, ready to act like maniacs and break each other’s noses,” said HBO Max representative Julie Arroyo. “Bringing together this group of talented individuals who brought the Andrew W.K.-verse to life will be such a treat, but it hasn’t been easy. Iggy Powell, who played Andrew #3, left the spotlight to live in a monastery in Tibet, but he will be there and ready to get the party started. This is going to be a must-watch for both casual fans and those who have followed the entire arc of the character.”

The excitement was clearly shared by the actors who have played Andrew W.K. as well.

“I’m stoked to be a part of this event as the latest Andrew, but I’m also coming into this reunion as a lifelong fan. It’s going to be a party from front to back. I packed a few extra pairs of white jeans because I know things are going to get messy,” said current Andrew W.K. actor Orlando Abbott. “I get to meet all of the Andrews I grew up with: Olen Bond, Lionel Velazquez, Paul Giamatti, Domingo Key. These people are my idols!”

Despite the overwhelming excitement, the participants indicated that the event will also include some difficult conversations.

“Playing Andrew was such a rewarding professional experience, but also one of the most difficult times for me personally,” said Darla Osborn, the first and only woman to take on the role. “The amount of hate mail I got during that time from fans claiming that I ruined the character, that casting a woman was somehow ‘not canon,’ the death threats. It was awful and I’m not going to shy away from it.”

“Andrew is just too important of a character in modern American media,” Osborn added. “I refuse to let toxic fans ruin it by rejecting the doctrine of partying I preached through this role.”

HBO Max representatives promised a few surprises beyond the conversation between the actors. While fans suspect this might involve a segment where Kat Denning describes her polyamorous relationship with all seven actors, details will not be released prior to airing the reunion.

News on the Dow Jones Would Terrify Man if He Knew What It Meant

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Local man Connor Goodman checked the stock market today and was too confused by what he read to feel any sense of rightful anxiety or dread, according to sources.

“I look at the little arrow lines, and sometimes they’re green or red, or that other color that blueberries are,” Goodman said. “I think I would be petrified by the constantly shifting markets and the slow public execution of capitalism, but I just don’t know what any of that junk means. So instead of panicking or managing my investments, I just sit in a room and look at the wall most days. Sometimes people talk about the Dow Jones or the NASCAR, but I just smile and nod. It would be really awful to have the knowledge of what’s happening in the world, but thank God I’m just a regular, everyday guy.”

Goodman’s stockbroker, James Martin, claimed he appreciated his client’s outlook on the market.

“Usually when a bad investment tanks or the market fluctuates, I get a lot of angry calls from my clientele. But this guy is perfect,” Goodman said. “He never knows what any of this means, so I often just show him a Getty Image of a green line going up, he smiles and gives a thumbs up, and then we talk about ‘American Horror Story’ or whatever. I almost envy him; he never feels the need to mansplain the stocks to his girlfriend, or complain on Reddit about Bitcoin, he just vibes.”

Industry professional Rowen West weighed in on Goodman’s mental strategy and how it has affected the world at large.

“Every day, more and more Americans adopt this mentality,” West said. “If he did understand what was happening with the economy, he would probably lose it, but to him ‘The Big Short’ was a science fiction movie. As a professional, I encourage everyone at home to consider this: if you don’t know what the stocks mean, don’t learn. All it could get you is a life of disappointment and stress. Most importantly, if you learn about what the stocks mean, you would understand when people like me are corrupt, and we certainly can’t have that.”

At press time, Goodman announced plans to somehow also forget what climate change means as well.

Opinion: Let Me Tell You About Another White Guy Who Was “Out of Touch, Ignorant and Misinformed.” His Name was Jesus Christ

Posted on by Dan Rice

I’m pretty sick and tired of all this guff I’ve been getting in the Facebook conversations I insert myself into. It’s getting to where a man can’t point out the fact that Republican President Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves (and that BLM is therefore a communist terror group) without being called “ignorant” and “misinformed.”

I can only assume the online attacks against me are part of the growing trend towards reverse racism, which is like racism but done to white people so it needs its own special category. Well, let me tell you millennials about another white man people called “ignorant” and “misinformed” who, as it turns out, was right about a lot of things. Maybe you’ve heard of him? He was a humble carpenter by the name of Christ our Lord.

That’s right, internet. Check and mate. How can aging white men be so “out of touch” and “racist” and “guilty of cultural appropriation” when Jesus freaking Christ himself was white?!

If you don’t believe me, just go ahead and look at any picture of him! The disciples are always a little swarthed-up but our boy on the cross is clearly a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian who would appreciate a good pair of New Balance shoes if he were alive today.

On December 25th exactly 2,021 years ago, a beautiful white baby was born into the world, and that baby would agree with me that asking us to get vaccines and wear masks is communism. End of story!

I’m done letting you leftist trolls get in my way. If white Jesus listened to you people he never would have written the bible or started America in the first place, and then where would we be?!

Don’t @ me with your “Jesus was dark skinned” this and your “council of Nicaea” that. Read your history books, by which I mean go to my white church.

Seriously, if you could, that would be great. Frankly, our numbers are down due to a lot of sudden, unforeseeable deaths. I guess God needed a lot of Grandpas and Grandmas up there. Also, my neighbor’s kid who was 30 and perfectly healthy, but that only proves that God gets what he wants!

Unclear Whether or Not Punk’s Nickname Intended to be Insult

Posted on by James Knapp

DENVER — Local punk John Hesslip’s scene-approved nickname of Slop Boy continues to baffle others in the scene who are unsure whether or not it’s intended as an attack on the character he may or may not possess, deeply confused sources confirmed.

“Yeah, we’ve been unclear on Johnny’s nickname for a while. I can’t even remember how he got it in the first place. It could be from the time we tried to free some pigs from a farm and he bravely crawled through manure to open a gate; or it could be from when he got the shits and broke my toilet,” remarked friend and fellow punk Amy ‘Couch-pisser’ Unger. “It could very well be an endearing nickname, but it’s most likely meant to be gross. Maybe it’s just a play off his last name and doesn’t actually mean anything. Man, I am really in the weeds on this one.”

Hesslip explained how the uncertainty regarding the name’s intent has made him hesitant to fully embrace it.

“People have been calling me ‘Slop Boy’ for years now, and every time they do I have no idea whether I should punch them or ask if they know where to buy ketamine. It’s a weird mindset to find yourself in,” said Hesslip. “Honestly, if I just knew one way or the other, that would be enough to own the name. Even if it turns out it’s an insult, that’s still better than this liminal hell of ambiguity I’m trapped in.”

Punk nickname expert Ronald ‘McFartsAlot’ Farraday detailed the methodology behind scene nicknaming practices.

“Nicknames generally develop out of a sense of shared, communal struggle. The bestowal of one is usually intended as a form of acceptance into a fringe and frankly beleaguered social group… that, or they’re just funny,” explained a rather gassy Farraday. “With [Hesslip] it feels like the most likely origin was to be inclusive, but I’d really need to know more about the man to say definitively. I once knew a hardcore guy whose nickname was ‘Hammerhead.’ Turns out the reason why was that the tip of his penis was completely flattened. And also it had eyes on the sides. Don’t you dare ask me how I got that information.”

In order to settle the dispute once and for all, Hesslip finally resolved to flip a coin only to have it land completely vertical in defiance of physics and self-vindication.

5 Asshole Dogs That Have Outwitted Me for the Last Time

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

I’ve made mistakes in my life, I’ll admit it. I’m not a perfect person, but there is only so much a proud man can stand before he decides that things can no longer go on like this. I take responsibility for my actions, but I refuse to take responsibility for a future in which I keep getting swindled, tricked and fooled like this! Here are five complete assholes of dogs that will never trick me again!

Dog #1: Jackson, an Airedale Terrier, was the first (but not the last) dog to make a fool of me. While on my lunch break, all I wanted was to sit on a park bench and eat the pastrami and pickle sandwich I had brought. That was all I wanted. And this damn dog lay in wait, supposedly out for a walk with his owner. But after I set the sandwich aside for a mere instant to throw a pebble at a pigeon, Jackson took advantage and snatched my sandwich off the bench. And what did his owner do? Laugh and apologize.

I could see there was no apology in that mutt’s eyes. Just mockery. Cold mockery.

Dog #2: Golden Retrievers, the most popular breed for service animals, are supposedly man’s best friend. But someone should have let Taffy know that. That’s the name of the next dog that played me like an idiot, according to the research I conducted post-incident. What was Taffy’s game? Why did he pretend to be playing with me at a beach party, running back and forth, only to push me back up against Toffee, his twin brother, who had silently snuck behind me and remained motionless for Taffy to knock me backwards and fall on my ass, like God’s perfect fool? Beach parties are ruined for me. Forever.

Dog #3: We’re all familiar with Lassie, right? The heroic Collie who was forever rescuing lost children and doing the right thing? Well that sure doesn’t describe J-Pop, a Collie who ran up to me as I was about to lock the front door to my house on my way out. He barked so persuasively and used his Collie-ass appearance to make me think that in all certitude, someone had fallen down a well and I needed to follow him. Well, J-Pop gave me the slip after an exhausting three-mile run. When I got back home, my front door was open and my house was ransacked. Homeowner’s insurance doesn’t cover “dog malfeasance,” apparently. Damn you, J-Pop.

Dog #4: Okay, this one was Jackson the Airedale Terrier again, who seems to have developed a taste for pastrami and pickle. This time he won the sandwich off of me in a game of 3-card Monte, which I later found out was rigged!

Dog #5: Are you a fan of the circus? Then you must have heard of Professor Paws, the Brilliant Chess-Playing Dog, who travels from town to town, defeating all challengers. He noses pieces from place to place and while detractors claim he’s clearly just picking up on cues from his handlers and primarily motivated by cheese, I can assure you that’s not the case. I can also assure you that the date I brought to the circus as the culmination of a year-long plan to impress her was not at all impressed when I fell directly into Professor Paws’ Blackmar-Diemer Gambit. A whole year wasted. She has not spoken to me since, and my dreams are haunted by the Professor’s beaming, panting grin as the circus crowd burst into applause. I’ll see you in hell, Professor Paws.