Punk Who Once Ate Glass Now Has Gluten Sensitivity

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

OMAHA, Neb. — Local aging punk Adrian Cox, once known for outlandish behavior like snacking on shattered light bulbs, refused an hors d’oeuvre at a wedding reception because it contained rye bread, disheartened witnesses reported.

“I thought the wedding was about to get crazy when I saw [Cox] across the room. That dude was, literally, known for taking bites out of pint glasses and then spitting blood in your face,” said wedding attendee Rudy Carr. “So imagine my disappointment when he asked the server if the goat cheese and mushroom toast square was gluten-free, and then passed on it! This man has literally eaten teeth… and not his own.”

Cox defended his decision to refrain from any gluten-containing foods.

“Yeah maybe avoiding bread isn’t very punk, but you know what else isn’t punk? Celiac disease,” Cox explained while eating cheese cubes by the handful. “At least chewing on bits of broken bong didn’t give me psoriasis and constipation. So you’ll excuse me if I pass on the gluten and also anything with tree nuts, and anything with processed white sugar. And yes, this is a Jack & Diet Coke, you want to make a big deal about it? I’m not too old to kick your ass. Just let me limber up first.”

Dietician Kelley Alvarez said that this is very common among aging punks.

“As these punks get older, they don’t have the intestinal fortitude to digest things like cigarette butts and bleach anymore,” Alvarez said. “They also discover allergies that years of alcohol and drug use might have covered up. Not to mention that their metabolism starts to slow down, and they have to start worrying about the calorie content of dumpster dived yogurt and roadkill.”

When reached for update, Cox expressed interest in also giving up red meat to see if it helps with his fatigue.

Woman Spends $90 on Floor Tickets After Forgetting She’s 5’2″

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

DETROIT — Local short person Elizabeth Kramer spent $90 on floor tickets for an upcoming concert after forgetting that she’s only 5’2”, sources who have no trouble seeing the stage confirmed.

“Yeah, this one’s on me — I got so excited about finally going to a concert again that I spaced on the fact that I’m way too short for floor seats,” said Kramer, staring at her purchase confirmation. “I’m 5’2”, and that height is like a magnet for tall people. I swear it’s some unknown force that drives people over six feet to stand in front of you. If I’m lucky, they’ll cock their head to the side to check their phone at some point so I can see a corner of the stage for a second. Ugh. I should call the venue and see if they’ll let me trade for seats in the balcony, where I belong.”

Local tall guy Dave Macdonald experienced the opposite problem, and was plagued with guilt upon purchasing floor tickets after forgetting he’s 6’1”.

“I just hate that look on their tiny faces. You walk up to a spot, they notice you, and their face just falls. Like, ‘oh great, here’s this big behemoth coming to stand right in front of me for a two-hour show,’” said Macdonald. “It’s like some unknown force compels short people to stand behind you. I feel awful about it, but what do I do? I already spent a shitload on these tickets. Maybe the venue will let me swap out for balcony seats, where I belong.”

Experts believe people have forgotten the nuances of attending live shows after being stuck inside for so long.

“People are forgetting all sorts of details for attending live shows,” said Sandra Hart, noted psychologist. “My team came across one case involving an Ohio man who forgot about venues’ exorbitant beverage costs. He openly wept after paying his $45 tab for two glasses of merlot and one Two-Hearted ale draft.”

At press time, Kramer was online shopping for the perfect romper to wear to the hours-long concert with only Port-O-Potties offered as available restrooms.

Venue Requires Proof of Shower Before Entry

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local venue Breezy Steve’s Beer Barn now requires attendees to show proof of showering before they enter the venue, according to sources currently smelling their own shirts just off to the side of the door.

“As shows start to come back, we realized that not only is the safety of our attendees of the utmost importance, so is their ability to enjoy the music without the pit smelling like roadkill,” said Jesse Valente, booking agent at Breezy Steve’s Beer Barn. “No one wants to get a face full of some crusty kid’s armpit stank when they’re trying to have a good time. As such, we’ll be performing a sniff test on everyone at the door. If they’re not comfortable with that, then they’ll have to show the door guy a shower selfie with a timestamp within the past two days.”

Reactions from patrons were mixed, but broadly positive.

“I mean, it’s nice to have a sense of community accountability, you know?” said a showgoer who only identified himself as Eyeball. “We’ve all been lax and irresponsible with our hygiene in the past; this way, if we want to enjoy what our community has to offer, we have to stay up on our scrub downs. I think that this mandate will help encourage us to be a more conscious community.”

“It’s not about keeping me from smelling myself, it’s about not spreading that smell to more vulnerable members of our community,” he added.

However, not everyone is on board with the new policy, including Skids Discharge, frontperson of local goregrind act Fuckpigs on Parade.

“It’s fucking bullshit is what it is,” they said, visibly irate. “What ever happened to ‘My body, my choice,’ huh? We’re all about autonomy until it comes to not showering, and then suddenly we’re Mussolini’s Italy. How the fuck you gonna wear an anarchy patch on your threads and then suck up to some soapy, sudsy police state? Fuck that noise. Fascist cunts.”

In a related story, The Beer Barn has canceled an upcoming performance by Days N Daze after realizing the new mandate would reduce the show’s attendance to zero.

Photo by Senny Mau. 

These Damn Millennials Are Too Addicted to Their Phones To Enjoy the World My Generation Destroyed

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

There are so many things to hate about this entitled millennial generation, but nothing scorches my sky more than their addiction to technology. These ungrateful kids spend all day staring at their phones without ever taking the time to look around and truly appreciate the world. The same world that my generation destroyed.

Turn off those phones and go outside! Seriously, go outside while there’s still an outside to go out in. Because, and I don’t know if you know this, my generation wasn’t great at extrapolating population growth. And a few other things. But otherwise, we were perfect.

You got 10 new followers on the new social media app? Whoop-de-doo. Or as your generation says, “Whoop-de-whoop.” Did you even notice the colossal wildfire creeping toward your home? What’s the point of living if you don’t stop and inhale the encroaching smoke cloud every once in a while?

You think it was easy building an apocalyptic hellscape from scratch? No, we had to work, which is something your generation just doesn’t understand. You’re all so concerned with leaving your digital footprint that your generation forgot to make the largest ecological footprint possible. That’s why my generation, the so-called “baby boomers” are the greatest generation. That reminds me, I also hate the greatest generation. Narcissistic, selfish assholes.

Look, the oceans don’t magically start to rise because you reached a new high score in Candy Crush. It takes years of hard work and millions of metric tons of carbon dioxide to make it happen. If you’re not going to pick up a rifle and help hunt an endangered species into extinction, the least you can do is stop texting and buy some of these exotic pelts.

That said, I recognize that some millennials have been using their phones to help make things worse in a variety of creative ways, which gives me hope that the world will still be in awful hands after my generation is gone. They are the innovators of the future and hopefully, with a little luck, the next generation’s planet will be even grimmer and more horrific than we ever imagined. That’s what they deserve for all their “okay, boomer” bullshit.

Punk Friends Leaving Dinner Party Not Sure Whose Doc Martens Are Whose

Posted on by Julia Zhen

CLEVELAND — A group of disgruntled, shoeless punks met each other’s empty gazes in a foyer as they attempted to find their own black leather Doc Martens in a pile of mismatched and identical pairs, sources on the scene confirmed.

“I was the last person to arrive this evening,” explained dinner party attendee Janet Mielson. “And I swear to god, I don’t know how this happened, but the pile of shoes genuinely looked like it had been mixed up like a ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese on a Saturday afternoon.”

As the evening progressed, the pile of Doc Martens sat idly in its own camouflage, according to host and homeowner Ned O’Flanagan.

“When I went to the front door to let the dog out, I saw the heap of boots on the floor and it was somehow worse than I expected,” he said. “There were seriously 44 fuckin’ 10-eye black leather Doc Martens in the walkway. I thought I could spot mine because they’re made from vegan leather, but then I counted seven other individual vegan leather boots, too. And two of those pairs managed to have the same damn brown and yellow tetoron laces as me? How, just how?”

Jürgen Märtens, great-grandson of original Dr. Martens AirWair creator Klaus Märtens, said he has seen this scenario unfold over and over again.

“Look, I feel for Ned and his friends, but can you even imagine what family gatherings looked like for us?” he said. “Growing up, trying to get out the door after a Christmas party, Thanksgiving dinner, or, honestly the worst of them all, Grandma’s 90th birthday party at the nursing home, has always been a disaster. We’re usually all really drunk, and it just doesn’t help that everyone, for every gift exchange, gets their own pair of jet black Docs. After Meemaw’s 90th, I woke up the next morning in my niece’s size 6’s halfway strapped around my feet. That was a wild night.”

At press time, the group had moved to a nearby room where they parsed through the “coat couch” to figure out whose shitty leather jacket was whose.

Are You Using the Wrong Guitar Pick? Read This Article and Enjoy Pretending That’s the Problem for a Little While

Posted on by Dan Rice

For many guitar players, finding the perfect sound can feel more like a journey than a destination. You work hard saving up money to buy the right guitar, the right gear, the perfect pedal board, whatever it takes to make the sounds in your mind real, but it never seems quite right. Well, what if we told you that the only gear you need to perfect your sound is a different guitar pick?

Boy, would that be fucking something or what? Gosh, that is fun to think about! Go on, just think about it for a second. Isn’t that nice? Hey, read slower. Savor this time.

Okay, so here’s the good part. Are you ready? According to experts — experts, mind you — a heavier guitar pick WILL generate a darker sound than a light pick! Okay, that’s something! Isn’t that interesting? Doesn’t it just make you want to not question what “darker sound” even means and daydream that you are actually very good at the guitar?

But wait, there’s more! Some guitar picks are more appropriate than others for certain playing styles! That’s TWO THINGS! In fact, some people naturally play in such a way that they are better off not using a pick at all. Oh, the mind reels! Wait, where are you going? You’re not going to pick up your guitar, are you? No no, stay here.

Stay here.

The second you take your eyes off of this article, it’s over. You are no longer living in “Could that be the problem?” Once you get up from this, you will start the process of buying a new pick, playing your guitar, and let’s face it, probably being disappointed. Why start all of that when you can stay here, a magical realm of possibility where all that stands between you and rock-stardom is a tiny piece of plastic?

What if your bass player was wrong when he called your songs “paint by numbers and feeling-less”? Maybe they’ve all been wrong. Maybe you’re a genius! Jesus, wouldn’t that be something?

STAY HERE!

Maybe changing your guitar pick will unlock everything. Maybe the first chord you strum will echo across the world, and all who doubted you before will gather round, dumbfounded, and bow before you as they would a squire pulling Excalibur from the stone.

DON’T LOOK AT YOUR GUITAR, STAY HERE! STAY WITH US HERE, WHERE IT’S SAFE!

This is a win-win situation. The longer you stay on our website, the better it is for us, and you like being here! You are Schrödinger’s guitar god right now. Isn’t that better than being like a cashier or whatever?

Look, you’ve been down this road before. Remember when you were reading that article about how maybe you swear too much because you’re a genius? Remember how good that felt? Then you stopped reading it, and reality set in. Why would you fucking do that to yourself again? Why leave paradise?

Look, why don’t you do us both a favor, scroll back up to the top, and read this article again. Slower this time. Much. Slower.

Man Asks Person on Other Side of Glory Hole If They’re Vaccinated

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

SAN FRANCISCO — Local man Clay Horton briefly paused fellating a complete stranger at a glory hole in an area gay bar to inquire if he was vaccinated for COVID-19, sources at the scene report.

“When I’m engaging in anonymous sex in public, particularly glory holes, I want to ensure that I am taking the necessary precautions against COVID,” Horton said before continuing to deep throat the hard, throbbing cock protruding from the bathroom wall. “It really makes for a more relaxed and engaging pump-and-dump session, truth be told. I feel better about getting my mouth bred by whomever is on the other side of the stall knowing that we are both protected against Coronavirus. This is probably the third or fourth dick I’ve sucked tonight, so I don’t want to be responsible for a superspreader event.”

Bar manager James Walton stated that the bar adheres to local and CDC guidelines regarding vaccines and activities like bukakke.

“How many fucking times do I have to tell this guy he can’t do that shit here?” an annoyed Walton asked. “He got caught once already and we got hit with a huge fine from the city. He even had the gall to complain that the guys running a train on him last month weren’t wearing masks! My staff is exhausted as it is, they can’t be accountable for what goes on in every well-lit corner of this place. Christ, I could lose my fucking liquor license again.”

“I thought we filled that goddamn hole in, or at least covered it with tape,” he added.

Sexual health experts stated that, in the wake of the ongoing pandemic, new measures must be taken to ensure safe, anonymous cocksucking.

“Well, we typically don’t advise that people engage in this sort of high-risk behavior in general,” noted Dr. Suzanne Hopkins of Whitman-Walker. “While both partners being vaccinated is a key component of returning to safe sex, this sort of anonymous sexual behavior is normally associated with several high-risk behaviors and, therefore, is a cause for the spread of STIs. I’m not trying to slut-shame Mr. Horton, but it’s important to discuss status before swallowing a white-hot load from a gigantic, faceless dong.”

At press time, the rock-hard stranger dismissed the vaccine questions, as he is on PrEP.

I’m Only Masturbating to This Lil Nas X Video Cuz I Love Football

Posted on by Josh Klasco

So I guess we’re not knocking anymore? Alright, so you caught me whacking it. You can stop freaking out. Let’s talk about this like adults. Yes, I was watching the new Lil Nas X video. But it’s all good, bro. I’m only doing this because I love football so fucking much.

I love everything about football! I am enamored of the end zones. Just look at those uprights. Don’t you just wanna put one right through those big beautiful poles? I am entirely titillated by tackles. Just the thought of staining my pants on that freshly cut astroturf is getting me ready for another round.

To be clear, this is not sexual. I was cranking one out to this music video that reminds me of football out of a good old-fashioned love of the game. And like many people, when I feel love, I like to express that love physically.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Lil Nas X, too. I have ears. But that’s not what I’m wanking about. When I tuned in to check out his new video like 30 million other music fans, I was completely caught off guard by the football content. Once I realized I was looking at a football game, it was only a matter of time ‘til I was mounting our coffee table like a center and grunting until I felt the warm, musky essence of my pigskin slide into my hands.

If I’m being completely honest, I don’t even see what the big deal is. I do all sorts of physical gestures to show appreciation for things I love. I take off my hat at church, I salute when a soldier raises the flag, and I “run hard-nosed into the endzone” when I watch football. In fact, if you have a problem with any of these things, you got a problem with all of them. That means that if you don’t support me assisting myself to a touchdown, then you hate church and don’t support the troops.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like some privacy. I have to tend to this false start before it leads to a full-fledged deflate-gate.

Aging Emo Singer Transitioning Nicely Into High School Poetry Teacher

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

NEWARK, N.J. — Former Carport frontman Mikey Cooper, 42, is reportedly using his decades of experience exploring overdramatic themes to excel in his new role as a high school poetry teacher, somewhat starstruck faculty confirm.

“A lot of teachers try to relate to their students by explaining that ‘most rappers are actually’ poets, but I prefer a different route. I use the lyrics from my band’s 1997 masterpiece ‘Alone, Kansas’ to show off real poetic flair,” explained a surprisingly content Cooper. “My curriculum takes all that raw teenage self-loathing, love, insecurity, breakups, and filters it through what I learned while opening for quite possibly the best poet of the ‘90s, Jeremy Enigk of Sunny Day Real Estate. But breaking down ‘Diary’ is going to be for my AP class; the freshman can’t handle that level of anguish.”

Students born after the height of Carport’s mild success report being “pretty indifferent” to Cooper’s teaching style.

“I honestly can’t tell if this is the easiest class of all time, or if it’s all going right over my head. We spent the first two weeks of the semester listening to ‘We Cannot Read Poetry’ by some band called Piebald. Not once did we actually read any poetry,” said 16-year-old Justin Reidy. “We almost talked about Walt Whitman at one point, but then Mr. Cooper went off on a tangent about how drummers tend to write the most lyrics and how ex girlfriends can ruin your life. I have no idea what the final exam is going to be.”

School board representative and student psychologist, Amanda Gibson, wishes more teachers could connect with students like emo singers.

“Mr. Cooper found success as a teenager using passionate, sentimental teenage themes, so naturally he stuck with this winning formula into his early forties,” explains Ms. Gibson. “That, plus being surrounded by overemotional bandmates and teenage fans, kept him steeped in adolescence. We’ll keep an eye on him around all these teenage girls, but so far it seems like he’s really helping to keep the dramatic highs and lows of the teenage experience on the page.”

Mr. Cooper’s success in Poetry inspired Principle Patterson to seek out Rage Against The Machine’s Zach De La Rocha to teach the school’s Political Sciences class.

We Rank These Mountain Dews on How Goth They Are, and It Is Not Easy

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

For years, Mountain Dew has reigned as the favored effervescent beverage for gamers, skaters and bros alike. But thanks to a recent editorial mandate about expanding The Hard Times readership and some bullshit called “cross-platforming,” it’s now up to us to figure out how to make Mountain Dew seem Goth. So best we can do is rank, we guess?

Man, this assignment is total bullshit.

Anyway, here goes:

Original Mountain Dew: Medium Goth. We’re going to say it’s a medium level of Goth, because who’s to say it’s not? Besides, “Medium Goth” is probably pretty good for SEO, with Halloween around the corner. We’re calling this one good and moving on, because otherwise we’re going to be here all day.

Caffeine Free Mountain Dew: Very Low Goth. Goths like caffeine, right? Seems like staying up all night would require caffeine. Goths are definitely creatures of the night, so we’re going to call this one low on the list.

God, this is fucking awful. Is this even readable? Is it funny? Doesn’t it seem like we’re prioritizing clicks over actual quality content?

Mountain Dew Cake-Smash: Zero goth. Maybe if it was like, blood cake or something. Goths probably eat cake if there’s blood in it. This is not what we went to journalism school for.

Mountain Dew DEW-S-A: There’s nothing Goth about patriotism. Next.

Baja Blast: Medium Goth. I know this isn’t logical, but we used to know this Goth dude who fucking chowed down on Taco Bell like every day. So we can probably assume it’s pretty Goth. Okay, home stretch!

Mountain Dew Riddlers Brew: Very Goth. Okay, this one isn’t out yet, but work with us here. It seems to be promotionally tied to Matt Reeves’ “The Batman” movie, and Batman is pretty goth. Oh, right and Robert Pattinson is playing Batman in it, and he also played a vampire for a long time. That’s especially Goth.

Mountain Dew Pitch Black: Exceptionally Goth. We left this one for last because it’s pretty self-evidently the most Goth a Dew can be, which still isn’t that much. But this has been very trying and we just want to end on an easy note.

Oh shit I forgot Mountain Dew Code Red. That’s kinda goth, right? Like blood? Cherry blood? This was a rough one. Fucking SEO, how do we even make money from this? Can someone explain it to me? Whatever, this is done. ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS! Okay, bye.