It’s Not the Breed, It’s the Owner, and as Someone Who Trains Corgis To Fight, I Would Know

Posted on by Eli Johnson

Dog breed discrimination has to stop. By the way people talk about pit bulls, you’d think the breed is some kind of ticking time bomb. This breed-based bias has far reaching effects. For instance, many so-called “pet-friendly” apartment buildings I live in make exceptions specifically for pit bulls. Hell, some cities have outlawed the breed entirely! Let’s get one thing straight: It’s not the breed, it’s the owner. And as someone who trains corgis to fight, I would know.

Take it from me, when a lovable little corgi is delivered into the hands of a monster such as myself, it can become just as vicious a baby-killing machine as any pit bull.

When I get my hands on a fresh corgi, I know I have my work cut out for me. They come to me so lovable and cuddly and let me tell you, it takes a lot to break them. I’ve worked with dozens of adorable woofers and all have transformed into nasty little bastards. My prized champion, Lucifer, has been on a goddamn tear lately. These aren’t the queen’s beloved corgis, believe me.

Indulge me for a moment, and let’s think critically about some of these harmful pit bull stereotypes. Simply because a dog was bred specifically to bite and latch onto the faces of bears, bulls, and other animals many times their size, doesn’t make them inherently dangerous. As a counterpoint, old Welsh folklore holds that fairies rode corgis like horses and used them to perform various whimsical chores, such as pulling carts. And yet, I’ve turned heckin’ pupper after heckin’ pupper into savage demons.

Maybe you’ve heard that pit bulls’ jaws are among the strongest of any breed, enough to crush human bone. On the other hand, a nip from a Pembroke corgi won’t feel like much in comparison. Yet a pack of trained fighting corgis, properly motivated and working together, can bring down a wildebeest. Trust me.

Maybe you’re not convinced. Maybe you’re thinking, “Okay, so pits and corgis are mean dogs.” That ain’t it, chief. I’ve worked with everything from Pomeranians to Goldendoodles to chow chows. All of them I’ve turned into blood-thirsty hellhounds.

I hope you’ll think twice next time before judging a breed based on the actions of a few bad apples. That line of thinking is a slippery slope. What’s next? Defunding the police?

Punk Genie Asks If He Can Bum Three Wishes Off You

Posted on by Gracie Beaver-Kairis

SALEM, Mass. — Local flea market patron Harold Barnes met a genie who asked if it could bum three wishes off him after he rubbed an old lamp during a recent shopping excursion, according to sources who think he’ll just spend the wishes on booze.

“I was at the Stuff N’ Things when I saw this old brass lamp, which is any bargain hunter’s dream come true. I suppose the Anti-Flag sticker on the side of the lamp should have been a red flag,” said Barnes. “I rubbed the lamp, hoping that the magical being inside would grant me great wealth and happiness. Instead, some stale Pall Mall smoke just came out of it, and a voice inside asked if I had three wishes it could bum off of me instead. It said it would get me back after the first, but it wasn’t very convincing.”

Matilda Harper, owner of the antique mall, was aware of the genie, and said she has not been able to sell the lamp since she acquired it in 1994.

“Oh, I wish I’d never bought that cursed lamp at a yard sale,” said Harper. “That creature inside, Scuzzy G, is such a jerk. He told me the only wish he’d grant is if I wished to see his genie dick. He’s more of a liability than an attraction, and I’m pretty sure he’s the reason this shop has bedbugs.”

Although he previously lived in a discarded Skoal can, Scuzzy G has resided in the lamp since finding it in a dumpster outside the Fugazi show he was ejected from in 1992.

“I may be a 4,000-year-old fantastical djinn with unearthly powers, but I don’t give a fuck,” said Scuzzy, who followed up the statement with an Old English-scented belch so strong that it lifted the lid of his home. “I’ve been squatting in this fucking lamp for 30 years, and I’m not going anywhere. If you need wishes to make your life fulfilling, go to fucking Disneyland or The Bunny Ranch or something and leave me the fuck alone.”

At press time, Harper was forced to apologize to two elderly customers who rubbed the lamp for luck, only to see a sparkly middle blue finger reach up through the spout.

10 Most Important Moments in Punk History

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Punk may be the snotty brat of rock history. But like any growing kid, there’s been milestones that mark the gradual growth of the genre. Here’s the 10 most important moments in punk history!

CBGB Opens

It would be impossible to imagine punk music without legendary bar CBGB, which opened in terminal C at the Newark airport in 2015. Proto-punk legend Tom Verlaine started his career as a waiter there, while Debbie Harry was briefly hostess. Sadly, the Buffalo Wing Special that made the place iconic has been discontinued as of 2017.

The Ramones Are Born at the Exact Same Moment

March 29, 1974, 9:13 AM. In one of the most significant moments in all of punk, all past and future members of the Ramones were simultaneously born in various parts of Queens. The next day, they would play their first show at CBGB and history was made.

The Man is Told to Get Fucked

It couldn’t come too soon: this incredible day in 1995, The Man was collectively told by a generation of punks that he could get fucked. While accounts of the event vary, it’s generally agreed that everyone was grounded for it, which is so unfair.

 

Mike Gains Some Weight Over the Summer

Imagine: a young and svelte Michael Burkett, searching for an identity. Then in one eventful summer camp, he discovered punk rock and double-stack, greasy-as-hell bacon cheeseburgers, and the frontman of NOFX discovered himself.

 

Bikini Kill Play Their First Show, Which is Pretty Good for Girls

No, really, ladies. Super cool. Who are you opening for?

 

The Queen Betrays a Young Johnny Rotten, Inadvertently Kicks-Off the Punk Movement

While Sex Pistols lead singer Johnny Rotten’s hatred of Queen Elizabeth is legendary, it wasn’t always that way. In fact, The Queen and Rotten were best friends throughout most of primary school. The pair unfortunately had a falling out over a girl, and Rotten vowed revenge from that day forward.

Terry Gets a Copy of The Black Parade, Which, Like Changes His Life

Before Terry got My Chemical Romance’s The Black Parade, he was totally into bullshit. But after the clerk at Sam Goody convinced him to give it a try, everything changed for Terry. He still listens to it all the time.

 

Your Sexual Awakening to Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” Video

Remember? Billy’s bare, glistening chest, his platinum hair, his bad-boy, take-no-shit, leave-no-prisoners sneer. You became a sexual being that day,

 

The Stooges Form, Which Bums Out Their Neighbors

The first incarnation of punk godfathers The Stooges formed in 1967, which really was just a shame for the neighbors. It used to be such a nice quiet neighborhood, and now those boys are always shouting about “dog” this and “raw” that. Still, they’re sweet kids.

Punk Achieves Its Most Perfect Form in the Video for The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)”In a contentious, often-infighting scene, one thing is universally agreed upon: The Offsprings’ 1998 music video for “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)” is the absolute apex of the very ethos of punk. It’s been all downhill from there.

Aging Vegan Disappointed By Younger Generations Lack of Interest In Animal Cruelty Videos

Posted on by Kevin Tit

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local activist and aging vegan Victor Gonzalez expressed his disappointment that the new generation of vegans have no interest in brutal videos depicting the horrors of factory farming, multiple traumatized youths confirmed.

“These ungrateful brats know absolutely nothing about the struggle,” said the 47-year-old former ALF member. “Back in my day, the only way to convert people in the scene to veganism was to put on some Earth Crisis and show extremely graphic videos from the inside of a slaughterhouse. Just the other day, I saw a kid in a SECT shirt eating Burger King so I ran up and showed him a video of a cow getting its throat slashed. He started crying, puked all over my phone and said ‘It’s the Impossible burger with no mayo or cheese, bro!’ How was I supposed to know?! Since when do vegans eat Burger King?!”

A representative from PETA recently went on record to admit that the lack of interest in Animal Cruelty videos has led to layoffs in their video productions department.

“I don’t need to see a bunch of baby chickens tossed into a giant meat grinder to stop eating meat,” said twenty-one year old Tik Tok influencer Jennifer Crane. “I don’t understand why there are still people out there who continue eating animals. Especially with the climate crisis we’re in. I get so mad at people who drive gas guzzling cars and order steak for dinner. Have you heard of a Tesla? Have you heard of Morning Star? Vegan food finally tastes good! Get it together, people.”

Some activists speculatec that the Government might be behind the recent disinterest.

“It’s no accident that this new generation of young vegans are more docile,” explained United States Secretary of Agriculture Thomas J. Vilsack. “Eco-terrorists of the nineties caused millions of dollars in property damage through fire bombings, and they didn’t even have smartphones. We couldn’t allow this young, woke generation to follow suit. So, we invested billions of dollars of federal funding towards developing an edible protein that lowers the consumer’s metabolic rate, and distributed it through ‘vegan’ Oreos. Nabisco has been in on it from the start. Not only are these young vegans less hostile, but they have singlehandedly saved the many fast food chains their elders worked so hard to destroy.”

At press time, Gonzalez was being sentenced in federal court for driving up to Seattle and setting up a string of explosives around popular vegan fast food chain Next Level Burger.

Bi-partisan Congressional Effort Seeks to Block Any More Influential ‘90s Emo Bands From Reuniting

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle came together to pass a piece of historic legislation that would limit the ability of decades-old emo bands from reuniting, sources on Capitol Hill confirmed.

“This bill shows that Washington still works. The American people elected us to do a job, and we have a mandate to keep ‘90s emo bands from reuniting to collect a payday at second-rate music festivals,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “There are plenty of active bands that need work right now. Bands that stuck it out through 9/11, bands that made it through the Great Recession, and even bands formed within the last few years who are already generating some hype. We can’t have veterans like Knapsack, Rainer Maira, or Jejune announcing anniversary shows and taking slots from hardworking current American emo bands.”

The bipartisan initiative faced some opposition in Congress from Republican leaders.

“Kansas has a long, proud history of emo music, and this bill severely limits an aging emo musician’s ability to make an honest living by playing 25-year-old songs to adults that are nostalgic for their teenage years,” said Senator Jerry Moran (R-Kan.) from the steps of Capitol Hill. “This is a slippery slope, people. What’s next? Will we ban metal bands from playing guitar solos because they are too loud? Will we set limits on how many members a ska band can have? This is un-American and a huge government overreach. This is our heritage, people! I hardly recognize this country anymore.”

Despite overwhelming public support for the bill, there was instant backlash from Festival Booking lobbying groups.

“We need more bands to reunite so we have a good enough gimmick for people to travel to our fests. There is a limited pool of bands to choose from, and that pool keeps getting shallower every time another band is canceled,” said Every Musician as an Option spokesperson David Simpson. “And there is a simple reason why bands reunite: people want them to. Next time you Google ‘Sense Field reunion’ and you get no results, just remember which Senators voted to make this bill a law.”

A similar law is being drafted in the House of Representatives to ban Myspace-era bands from legally being able to designate themselves as “emo.”

Opinion: Not All Clown Posses Are Insane

Posted on by Johnny Sparkles

No one can deny that the Insane Clown Posse is the most ubiquitous of all the clown posses. From music to wrestling to independent filmmaking to festival promotion to direct-to-consumer soda distribution, ICP has made quite a name for themselves. These days you can’t hear the words “clown posse” without immediately thinking “Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J” and, quite frankly, that’s some bullshit. Not all clown posses are insane, least of all me and my ensemble of jesterly harlequins. It’s time we tear down this ugly and vile stereotype once and for all.

A lot of people love ICP. I personally don’t get it, but I don’t begrudge their success. I’m happy for them. But I am equally sick of everyone thinking my zany pack of fools are “insane” just because we happen to be a posse made up of clowns.

I’m no Juggalo. I don’t rap. I’m more of a King Diamond guy, honestly. At the end of the day, I’m just a guy who likes to dress up as a clown and hang out with other clowns in a group setting. The only thing I have in common with Juggalos is the one time I ate Monopoly and shit out Connect Four. I’m also a former backyard wrestler and, no, I didn’t wrestle as a clown. That would be insane.

We are not insane. In our younger days, we did get pretty rowdy. I won’t lie. But never to a degree in which a psychologist might deem us fit to be institutionalized. Either way, we’ve cleaned up our act. But we’re still impacted by these stigmas. My kids get bullied at school because of this. Because of that damn rapper group, everyone thinks their dad who wears full facepaint when he drops them off at school in a clown car is “insane.”

So please, stop thinking all clown posses are insane. There are lots of clown posses out there and this stereotype hurts us all. But we all do love Faygo. That stereotype holds water. Delicious, neon-colored corn syrupy water.

Study: States Legalizing Cannabis See a 45% Increase of Doom Metal Bands in First Year

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

PORTLAND, Ore. — A recent study out of the Portland Cannabis Institute shows American states that legalize recreational marijuana use see a 45% increase in local doom metal during the first year.

“This is one of the more surprising cultural impacts of readily available cannabis. We already know about the benefits to local economies, but we weren’t prepared for sales of Orange amp heads to shoot through the roof,” said self-described “jazz-guy” Dr. Michael Neil. “The amount of depressed men who want to play incredibly loud down-tuned guitars very slowly and have band names like Resin Addicts or Toxic Mescalinity has undoubtedly gone up. This might have a negative effect on barbers as more men grow out their hair and beards, but it will be a boom time for anyone trying to sell a used van.”

The recreational use of more intense versions of the psychoactive compound in cannabis, THC, has opened the minds of some people who previously had never thought about doom metal.

“I used to maybe smoke weed every so often at a party or after my old garage band’s practice, but once it became fully legal I really dove into it,” said Blake Sebastian, guitarist of the new Santa Fe area doom metal band Bury Me In Smoke. “I bought a shitload of black denim and I smoke Moon Rocks everyday now. My favorite thing to do is just stand in front of my full-stack and palm mute open chords until I feel like God is taking my soul from my body and sharing a joint with it.”

Some of the more established musicians in the doom metal scene said they see these new bands as encroaching on their territory.

“I been playing doom metal for ten years because my brain is fucked up, not because it’s really easy to get into dabs now,” said Chris “Short Bus” Evans of the established Olympia doom band Kush Korpse. “These guys that used to drink Hamm’s and play that Burger Records crap now wanna try and harness the body buzz of playing a ten-minute song in drop G tuning? It pisses me off. I’m ready to move somewhere like Indiana, where weed will never be legal and most people will hate my band.”

At press time, the St. Louis Council on Beer Swilling was conducting research on how more states adopting legalized cannabis could eradicate hard-partying thrash metal by 2030.

Woodstock ‘99 Organizer Consulting on ‘Justice for J6’ Rally at Capitol

Posted on by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — Michael Schofield, a leading organizer of the Woodstock ‘99 music festival, is consulting with the organizers of today’s “Justice for J6” rally outside the Capitol, reported multiple tactical vest clad sources behind the protest.

“He’s got proven experience exciting and engaging our target demographic, plus he’s not a little cuck bitch,” said Matt Braynard, the organizer of the September 18th rally planned in support of those arrested for their involvement in the riots at the Capitol. “Schofield is a genius that helped create an environment that allowed badass music fans to start fires and assault dozens of women. In fact, many of them are the very same guys. They might not be recognizable, because they haven’t aged well physically, but also, they haven’t matured, so they’re exactly the kinda guys who’ll tackle cops in support of the Q-Anon shaman.”

Schofield confirmed he was planning to bring lessons from the notoriously rowdy festival in 1999 to the events planned outside the Capitol.

“In today’s contentious political climate, stirring up a bit of conflict might seem easy, but I bring a level of expertise and finesse in my ability to provoke mayhem,” Schofield explained, stocking an RV with ‘Stop the Steal’ posters, illegal fireworks, and cases of White Claw Surge. “There’s a deep psychological need behind the sorts of guys who’d invade Nancy Pelosi’s office or tear down festival walls for the pure joy of it, and it’s more than just the timbre of Fred Durst’s voice that gets them going. You think Richard Spencer or Dinesh DiSouza can get horny teenagers to roll around in their own shit? I’d like to see them try.”

Brendan Cooper, a native of Tallahassee who’s driving across state lines to attend the rally, said he’s been following Schofield’s career for decades.

“I was so fucking pissed I had to miss the party on January 6th, and I totally would have been there if my parole officer hadn’t been being such an uptight little twat,” Cooper said. “But knowing the legendary Michael Schofield is one of the organizers? Shit, you know I couldn’t miss it. My bro from Parler said the crowd might be a little smaller this time, but it’s like whatever, I’m still gonna get shwastey and hopefully grab MTG’s titties or some shit. Yo, do you think Kid Rock will be there?”

At press time, Schofield was being duct-taped to a chair on a Delta airplane after assaulting a flight attendant en route to Washington.

5 Job Interview Tips That Are Pretty Futile When You Have a Hatchet Man Tattoo on Your Neck

Posted on by Dan Rice

In the wake of the COVID-19 virus, a record number of Americans are choosing to change career paths. If you’re one of those people, that could mean facing a corporate job interview for the first time.

Job interviews are stressful, and for good reason. A bad interview can tank the hopes of even the most qualified candidate. Conversely, a good interview could help you outshine the competition, even if they beat you on paper. Theoretically, there are things you can do to be prepared and tip the scales in your favor, but none of those will work when you have a goddamn hatchetman tattoo on your neck.

Here are the top 5 job interview tips that would help a normal person, but just won’t do you a lick of good when you’re a Juggalo with a neck tat.

Eye Contact
Maintaining eye contact with your potential employer shows confidence, honesty, and fortitude. Unfortunately, in your case the eye contact won’t be reciprocated, as they will be far too distracted by the hatchetman tattoo on your goddamn neck. They’ll spend the whole interview wondering if you’re in a gang; or worse, knowing exactly what it means.

Research The Company
Going into your interview armed with background knowledge about the company shows them that you are serious and interested. Being informed about the company pre-interview will make you stand out from the herd. The only thing that stands out more is that stupid ass hatchetman tattoo right on your neck. Jesus, what were you trying to prove?

Do Not Speak Negatively Of Your Previous Employers
Employers want to hire problem solvers and positive people. If you go in complaining about your current or past employer, it can make you seem bitter and petty. Again though, like, it doesn’t matter. There is a freaking hatchman permanently tattooed to your freaking neck, and the second you leave that room they will laugh about it for weeks to come.

Dress For The Job
You only get one chance at a first impression, so make it count. Coming to your interview dressed like you already work there will show employers that you are professional and serious. But the hatchetman inked right onto your neck will show them that there is a hatchetman inked right onto your neck, so the whole thing’s a wash. You would honestly have better luck showing up to your interview in cosplay as Fred from Scooby-doo. You know, because of the neckerchief?

Ask Questions
Come prepared with questions about the position to ask at the end of your interview. Your potential employer will be impressed by your level of interest. They will probably also have a few follow-up questions of their own. Questions like, “Is that a man holding a hatchet?” and, “Why the neck?” They won’t be able to say those questions out loud, but thinking them the whole time will prevent them from actually hearing a word you say or taking you seriously as a human being.

Freshman Architect Installs Load-Bearing Tarantino Poster

Posted on by Camden Brazile

COLUMBIA, Mo. — University of Missouri Freshman and aspiring professional architect Henry Right made the innovative choice while re-doing his dorm room to install a load-bearing Tarantino movie poster, according to nervous sources.

“Yeah, I took a look at the structural integrity and the bones of the place and thought it was the right call,” Right said. “I thought this would be the perfect accent piece to match the blacklight mushroom poster, and the three other Tarantino posters in the same room. It perfectly conveys my entire personality and interests, but it’s in the exact location where if you remove it, the building will collapse and crush everyone to death; so I know that no significant others will ever come in here and succeed in its removal.”

Right’s best friend and roommate Gabriel Porter expanded on some of the changes Right made to their room.

“Well, first off we have a very practical design. People think that I like this stupid shit, but it’s just the only thing keeping this worn-down building afloat,” Porter said. “See that ugly psychedelic tapestry? Keeps in the black mold. The awful strip of half-working Christmas lights? Plugging a series of leaks. I know this looks horrible, but it’s the only thing that is keeping the roof from crumbling on top of me while I sleep in my puny, sheetless twin bed.”

University of Missouri Resident Advisor Mitch Saverin commented on the situation.

“As someone who lives in a dorm perpetually, I thank the Lord every time that Tarantino puts a new movie out,” Saverin said. “I’m just a little freaked out about what’s going to happen after his last movie. What if I have an I-Beam fallout and I have no conceivable way to fix it because I already have a ‘Kill Bill’ poster covering the frayed wires near the door? At the very least, when they pull my body from the rubble they’ll see my decor and know that I was an intellectual who appreciated fine cinema.”

At press time, witnesses noticed that the poster in question was a “Fight Club” poster, which wasn’t directed by Tarantino, but upon realizing that correcting Right would mean having to talk to him for even a moment, deemed it too high a price to pay.