If Biden Really Won the Election, How Come No One in This ICU Voted for Him?

Posted on by Tony Morse

If you’ve been around the block as much as I have, you know you can’t hardly trust anyone about anything. You have to ignore all the so-called experts and do your own research. But sometimes, the truth is in your heart. Like how there’s just no way Trump lost an election to Biden.

I may not be some mainstream pollster with funny maps and fancy questionnaires and shit, but I know where you find real American voters, and it ain’t at some George Soros-funded white lives don’t matter march — it’s here, in the Intensive Care Unit at Our Sisters of Mercy Hospital.

Now get ready for some real talk, because you will not believe the red pills I’m about to drop.

We’re doing field research, so let’s talk about sample selection criteria. Only patriots vote, and patriots are proud of who they are. They don’t hide their faces behind masks like some Antifa super soldier burning Portland to the ground. Well, a nurse assured me that nobody in this place ever put a mask on, not even for Halloween. I’d say we got a room full of citizen suffragists here, let’s see what they have to say!

Now sure, not everyone who can exercise the franchise does, so let’s talk about what makes someone a likely voter. Your real serious elector type is someone who stays up on current events. Speaking from personal experience, I never bothered to cast a ballot until I discovered Infowars. But thanks to Alex Jones and his political analysis, I knew I had to help the trillions of children who are sexually trafficked to the secret satanic underground lair of Bill Gates every single day.

Anyway, this doctor who asked me what the fuck I was doing said the people here had taken enough Ivermectin to drive worms to extinction. I don’t know what he meant, but Ivermectin isn’t for sheep! It’s for well-informed people who watch so much news on OANN they know all the code words in Amazon reviews for apple-flavored horse paste. And this place is full of them!

Given the established patriotism of this ICU’s clientele, their voting numbers should match the results of the election by roughly 100 percent, and guess what? Not ONE of the people I spoke to voted for Biden! And trust me, they weren’t just telling me what I wanted to hear; these people were extremely forthcoming. It was like they thought I was the last person they would ever talk to! When a woman begs you to tell her younger brother that he’s actually her son, you know she’s being honest about voting Trump.

I tried to talk to everyone here, but I wasn’t able to. Some people had enormous tubes stuck in their mouths, and it made them shy. But even if every tube-breather voted Biden, which I DOUBT, Trump won in a landslide.

Gentrified Punk House Now Influencer House

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

BROCKTON, Mass. — Tenants of local punk house The Bunker were outraged this past week as they were evicted from their home only to see it repopulated by Twitch streamers and TikTok influencers, confirmed neighborhood residents who are unclear if this is for the better.

“It’s just such dog shit. We’ve been here for over a decade. The landlord just walked in one day and said since we haven’t paid rent in 16 months that he’s allowed to kick us out. I tried telling him that rent is theft, but he didn’t listen and he refused to read the anti-capitalist zine I spent weeks working on,” exclaimed former resident Steve “Pooch” Earle. “Whatever yuppie shitheads they shuffle in there are gonna ruin everything it stood for. I bet they’re gonna try to get rid of all our pets, like the cats that took over the second floor, or the raccoons under the front porch, or even the squirrels that live in the walls.”

Current resident Blaine Hossier, however, seems to be thoroughly enjoying his new home.

“The aesthetic is something we were all immediately attracted to. It was so retro and punk chic. Like in a Goth Money Records meets ‘Trainspotting’ way,” explained the Scooby Doo deep dive video essayist. “The backyard is so overgrown that it’s a great setting for products that make us look like we love the outdoors. We’ve tried to make a couple improvements; we have a chore wheel that’s a cute showpiece, but it’s mostly just to decide who’s turn it is to tag the wall in the basement for the next photoshoot backdrop.”

Landlord Reggie MacKinnon seemed befuddled when reached for comment.

“Those punk pieces of shit actually moved out? Shit, could’ve fooled me,” a surprised MacKinnon said. “All I’ve really noticed that’s different is there’s a hell of a lot of packages being delivered to the apartment now, some of them seem like they’ve showered, and occasionally they seem to dance on the front lawn. In any case, they still don’t clean up a damn thing and it’s extremely loud at all hours.”

The punk scene was recently dealt a similar blow when the only punk bar in town was overrun by self-proclaimed “tech entrepreneurs” and suddenly became an overpriced cocktail bar.

We Look Back on Minutemen’s “Double Nickels on the Dime” Because We Can’t Remember Which Song Is the Jackass Theme

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Minutemen is one of the most influential hardcore punk bands of the 1980s, especially their biggest album “Double Nickels on the Dime.” It left an imprint on many of our lives, especially when we got in the mood for the Jackass theme song. Let us look back on every track of the iconic album to remember which song is the one from Jackass.

West Germany: Okay, this first track isn’t the Jackass Theme. We’ll keep looking for it.

It’s Expected I’m Gone: Nope, not this one either.

#1 Hit Song: We’ve never heard of this one before, but it must be a big track of theirs.

God Bows To Math: Wait, our CD player says this is track 18? Fuck we left the player on shuffle and don’t know how to turn it off.

Two Beads At The End: Nope.

Do You Want New Wave Or Do You Want The Truth?: Not this one.

Spillage: Not even close.

The Roar Of The Masses Could Be Farts: With a title like this we really thought it was the theme song. But alas, no.

The World According To Nouns: Hmm… yeah it’s not this one.

Maybe Partying Will Help: This track is pretty dope, but it’s not the Jackass theme.

Mr. Robot’s Holy Orders: Nah.

D.’s Car Jam / Anxious Mofo: This begins with a car starting sound. Is that why there’s a guy driving on the album cover? This must be an important track.

My Heart And The Real World: It’s not this one.

Little Man With A Gun In His Hand: Nope.

No Exchange: This song would make a cool theme song too, but it’s not the one we’re thinking of.

Viet Nam: Gonna keep looking.

Theatre Is The Life Of You: No.

The Politics Of Time: I didn’t realize they were a political band. Is the Jackass theme a political song? Either way, this isn’t it.

Nature Without Man: Nope.

This Ain’t No Picnic: This isn’t the Jackass theme, but it’s a pretty relatable song. Sometimes things ain’t no picnic.

Take 5, D.: It’s not this one, either.

The Big Foist: This one isn’t it. Where’s the one that goes nah nah nah-nah?

Jesus And Tequila: Gotta keep looking.

One Reporter’s Opinion: We swear it’s on this album somewhere!

Retreat: Unfortunately, not this one.

Love Dance: This says track 44? How many songs are on this?

Cohesion: Starting to think maybe it was on a different album.

History Lesson – Part II: Nope.

Toadies: Not this one.

Martin’s Story: Not this one.

Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love: Not this one.

Don’t Look Now: Not this one.

There Ain’t Shit On TV Tonight: This isn’t it.

The Glory Of Man: Not it, but could make a good song for Chris Pontius’s Party Boy.

Shit From An Old Notebook: Gonna keep looking.

Doctor Wu: Nope.

Please Don’t Be Gentle With Me: Maybe this is the Viva La Bam theme, not sure. We didn’t see that one.

Untitled Song For Latin America: Not from Latin America and neither are the Jackass guys, so can’t relate to this one.

June 16th: Hey, we recognize this day on the calendar. Still not the theme song, though.

Themselves: Negative.

Political Song For Michael Jackson To Sing: Ain’t it.

You Need The Glory: Nope.

Corona: Yes! YES!! This is the one! Love this song. The riff alone makes us picture Steve-O on the alligator tightrope.

Nothing Indeed: Kinda found the one we were looking for, so we’re just going to listen to that one again.

Storm In My House: Did these guys do the King of the Hill theme, too? The Jackass theme is kinda similar. If so, this band is legendary.

“I Can Fix Him,” Says Woman Who Is Worse

Posted on by Freelancer

VAN NUYS, Calif. — Local nursing student Jade Ng divulged to close friends at a bar yesterday her plans to “fix” her Hinge match, local Spencer’s Gifts employee Trent Belford, despite the fact that her whole deal is fundamentally way more fucking concerning than his ever will or could be.

“Trent is hot, but to be honest, he’s a little, like, ‘Infinite Jest-Chapo Trap House-Radiohead’ for me. Male manipulator vibes, kind of embarrassing,” said Ng, who faked an abortion freshman year of college to guilt her high school boyfriend into staying with her. “But, you know what, it doesn’t bother me, because I’m not a goddamn quitter.”

“At the end of the day, someone like Trent just needs a girl who’s sensitive and grounded to round out his rough edges,” added Ng, drawing a little smiley-face on the tip line of a $51.72 receipt.

Ng’s coworker Mina Girardi maintains that while her behavior can leave something to be desired at times, her intentions are sincere.

“Look, Jade isn’t trying to change these guys or anything. She just wants to, how do you say, mold them in her image, as one would a child or dog,” said Mina Girardi. “I mean, I really have to give it to her. If I had three DUIs, I might think about putting the savior complex on the back burner, but hey. Whatever gets your rocks off.”

When approached for comment, Belford expressed ambivalence at the notion of being taken on as a project for his recent match.

“It’s pocket-sized, but it feels exactly like the real thing, man, seriously, like, just close your eyes, you won’t even clock that it’s silicone, bro. I like to sit on mine for like ten minutes so it’s warm, y’know, and shit, I even have, like, different colors, y’know, like different shades, you know what I mean?” said Belford, while scrolling through his phone and eating a burrito. “The fuck was I saying? Jade? Oh yeah, I don’t really care, I’d still hit.”

At press time, Ng was headed to the bass section of Guitar Center, where friends say she regularly hunts “for sport.”

I Haven’t Been Part of the Scene or Lived in This City for 10 Years but All You New Little Shits Should Know Who I Am

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

What the fuck? How did I not get one double-take when I walked in here? What the hell happened to this scene? Okay, sure, maybe I haven’t been to a show in a decade, but who are all these young dorks and why don’t they know who I am?!

I get that I moved away 10 years ago and only come back to see the family once every few Christmases, but when I don my most faded In These Walls shirt (the band that basically started this scene), you show some respect. Or at least feign acknowledgment. Even if you have no clue who I am, you’re clearly looking at an older scene dude. Why else would I be here wearing outdated clothes?

It’s sad that this generation doesn’t care about its forefathers. Just ask any 32- to 40-year-old who used to be in this scene, and there’s a decent chance they might know who I am. Sometimes I think I’m the only one who cares about my adolescence.

I don’t wanna be that old guy who says shit like, “That Taco Bell used to allow shows before Joe broke his face on that half stack,” as a way to establish scene cred. But I was at that Taco Bell when Joe broke his face on that half stack, and I fucking have scene cred!

And don’t even get me started about the time I ran from the cops because I incorrectly believed they were after me due to my dangerous reputation in the scene. Or when I submitted Christian rock lyrics to Father O’Malley to get him to let us throw a show in the church basement.

If there was a history book on this scene, I’d be all over it. Mostly during the chapters on 2002-2004. Also, if there was a book then I wouldn’t have to explain who I am to you newbies. I’d simply go to my car and get the book and read it to you.

I feel like Gutzon Borglom. Don’t know who he is either? Color me surprised. He’s the guy who carved Mount Rushmore. I guess I’m in pretty good company if you don’t know about unsung heroes like Gutzon and myself.

Here’s what’s bullshit, though. If me and my band had gotten famous you’d all be like, “Whoa, that’s the guy from ‘Vanilla Sex'” and “I heard he made out with Angela Zakowski in the ALDI parking lot.” I totally did, by the way. And she ended up marrying an NHL player. I’m not gonna tell you who he is though, because if you recognize him my self-esteem will suffer a blow that I may not come back from.

Frontman Never Heard Drummer Speak Before Podcast Interview

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Dad Belly frontman Blake Thomas was shocked to discover that he had never actually heard longtime drummer Sophie McDonald speak until the band’s appearance on the “Big Riffs” podcast last night, sources reported.

“I regret yelling ‘Holy fuck, you can talk?’ when our Drummer answered a question about her drum heads, but you have to understand that I’ve played with this woman for seven years and I’ve never once heard her utter a single word,” said Thomas. “Not only can she speak, but he’s got, like, a personality. Did you know that she has two kids and works part time as a mechanic? I sure as fuck didn’t. Normally our interaction begins and ends with me yelling ‘do better’ in her general direction whenever the tempo drags. I’m ashamed. It’s my job as frontman to lead my bandmates effectively, so from this point forward I’m going to do my best to get to know Sam, or Sara, or whatever her name is.”

McDonald was also shocked to hear that Thomas had never heard her speak.

“The motherfucker was at my wedding,” said McDonald. “He’s met both of my kids. I helped fix his fridge, for shit’s sake. But I’m not too surprised. It’s not even really a detriment to the band. He always gets to practice about two hours late, which is right around the time the rest of the band and I finish working out the song. So technically there’s no reason for us to interact. Hopefully he’ll try to get to know me, and maybe now we can finally practice our harmonies together.”

“Big Riffs” podcast host Autumn Smith confirmed that Dad Belly won’t be invited back on the show.

“The frontman kept whispering shit like ‘holy fuck she can talk’ and ‘why does she sound like that?’ so the episode was impossible to edit,” said Smith. “Frontmen who don’t care about their bandmates are a dime a dozen, but this is something else. I’m not here to solve your band’s weird interpersonal problems; leave that shit at the door. All I want are some upcoming show dates and maybe a story about someone throwing up on your amp. This isn’t Dr. Phil.”

Update: Thomas has fired Dad Belly’s bassist for using “some broken-ass guitar with only four strings.”

Real Life Freddy Krueger? This Janitor Just Got His Ass Kicked by Some Teens

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Did we just discover a real life Freddy Krueger? This high school janitor from Springwood, Ohio totally got his ass kicked by some teens. Wild!

According to witnesses at the scene between the cafeteria and Mrs. Norring’s Social Studies class, it was “totally crazy.” Reportedly, the janitor in question was emptying garbage when a bunch of upperclassmen jumped out of nowhere and began completely whaling on him. After students forced the custodian to eat the garbage in question, he ran off to the school’s boiler room, which students described as “way more foreboding and dramatic than you’d expect, with chains randomly hanging down from the ceiling for no apparent reason.”

Wow! This guy must be a real creep to get his ass beat down like that.

While the faculty of the school roundly condemned a member of their staff getting his candy-ass kicked from here to next Sunday by several teens in varsity jackets, they had to admit that the janitor’s regular outfit of a fedora and two-toned striped shirt made it hard not to at least slap him around a bit.

C’mon, weird janitor, a fedora? You’re not Timberlake in 2007!

Though this is hardly the first time some crusty-ass custodian who had been warned about calling students “bitch” under his breath got his face turned into a pepperoni pizza by a football team, local experts in paranormal phenomena are worried that it could be a crucial incident that “weakens the barriers between dreams and reality, allowing all manner of terrible slashings and ironic deaths to occur.” But, it goes without saying that these ghost doctors or whoever are huge dorks, and are just mad because each time they think they discover a spooky poltergeist moaning in the woods it turns out to be some of those aforementioned cool high schoolers either kicking more ass or engaging in sexual congress.

Take a chill pill, mysterious experts speaking forebodingly from darkened rooms! It’s just a janitor!

So if this teaches us anything, it’s that it’s perfectly alright to attack a creepy janitor and there will never be consequences for it, not even in terrifying dreamscapes!

Ignorant 6-Year-Old Rambling on About Future Dreams as if Planet Is Still Going To Exist by Then

Posted on by Nadia Sadri

BROWNSVILLE, Texas — Six-year-old Danny Crothers is reportedly continuing to discuss his future dreams with no regard to the fact that the planet won’t even exist by then, annoyed sources confirmed.

“When I grow up I want to be a marine biologist, and also a doctor, and maybe an actor, too,” explained the blissfully ignorant child, unprompted. “Last year I got to swim with some dolphins for my birthday, and they were so cool! I want to be like one of those scientists who makes documentaries about the ocean and then shows everybody how we can help all the animals.”

Crother’s parents admitted that they work hard to be good influences on their kids, but their child’s constant hoping and dreaming makes it feel like they are failing as parents.

“It’s embarrassing when he starts talking to our friends about all of these big plans he has. We keep telling him that all those ‘cool’ animals in the ocean are going to be dead before he even gets to college, so maybe he should try finding some other interests,” said Danny’s father, William Crothers. “It was sort of charming at first, but now it just makes me angry. Like how ignorant can you be? At some point you have to educate yourself.”

Danny’s nine-year-old sister, Sarah, said she believes she’ll soon be able to convince him to give up on life.

“Danny looks up to me a lot, which is why I explain to him that he’s going into a dying field and should just give up already,” she said. “I learned to give up on my dreams when I was three. I may be an early bloomer, but I think Danny will get there soon. We’re already seeing the beginning of the end, so it’s time to take the last few years of our lives seriously. That’s why I’m going to follow in Aunt Andreia’s footsteps, and become a cop.”

At press time, the Crothers family was feeling more hopeful when Danny started crying about how much the world sucks and said it feels like he “can’t make a difference.”

I Get High With a Little Help From My Friends and a Lot of Help From These Pills I Stole From My Sister’s Purse

Posted on by James Knapp

Man, you guys are great. Seriously, I can’t remember the last time I had such a great — oh look, an owl — time. You truly are my best friends. You don’t even know much I love you. Everything is so perfect. The power of friendship really can make you blissfully euphoric.

It’s like every time I’m around you guys, and we steal pills from my sister’s purse, we have such a fun and pure time that it’s, like, spiritual. It reminds me of that one famous Beatles lyric, “Do drugs.” I forget if it was John or Paul who wrote that one.

What I’m trying to say is that tonight it doesn’t matter what bad shit is going on in the world. War. Genocide. Fuckin’ hurricanes. That shit doesn’t matter right now, because we’re all here and we’re all so present. I just wanna know if you guys are feeling cool and also do you think my sister is gonna be mad that I stole a bunch of pills from her purse. Or as she calls it, “the pharmacy.” And way too openly because she thinks mom will never catch on.

Oh boy, I think I took too much. I gotta sit. While I’m down here on the floor, could I get some nachos? And can you call me an ambulance? Preferably an ambulance that has nachos.

Bobby, come here. You’ve been my best bud for years. And Billy, well, your name is too close to Bobby’s so we may have to stop being friends. Sorry, I know you were the best man at my wedding, but right now your names are too similar and it’s gonna make me tear my shirt off and punch you.

Holy shit I feel like dancing. You guys are perfection.

So what are you guys feeling? Do we wanna hit another bar or — oh, the owl is back — do you wanna just meet me at the hospital? No, wait, I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Damn. My sister needs to talk with her doctor, because this is hitting pretty hard for anxiety medication.

Taliban Decides to Ban Music Once Again After Accidentally Listening to Your Band’s Demo

Posted on by Contributor

KABUL, Afghanistan — High ranking members of the Taliban decided to once again ban music throughout Afghanistan after your band’s demo was inadvertently played during a policy meeting late last night, irate sources confirmed.

“When we took back our country, we agreed our new government wouldn’t be as strict as it was 25 years ago. But after hearing that ‘music,’ if that’s what you want to call it, I feel like our hands are tied,” said foreign minister Amir Khan Muttaqi about your lo-fi indie band’s new demo. “I’ve always believed that music provokes improper passions, but this was on another level. 35 seconds into the song a wave of rage washed over me that I could barely control. I’ve never touched a guitar, but I know I could do a better job than the hack they had. The whole thing sounded like it was recorded in a bunker in Shindand. Pure slop is the only way I could describe it.”

After learning of the harsh review, you admitted that you felt bad for taking away music from the people of Afghanistan.

“This seems like an overreaction on their part. My girlfriend said all the songs are really good, so maybe they were just listening to it on their laptop speakers,” you said while pacing around in your bedroom. “I think it’s really unfair that the Taliban government is passing judgment on us without even seeing the band live. We have a show at the Newark Legion Hall in two weeks. I’ll put every cabinet member on the guest list and we will rock their beards off. That’s a promise.”

Prominent Afghani musicians were devastated to hear the news of the music ban and will protest the reinstated policy.

“I think it’s an awful decision to ban all music based on the recordings of a crappy American band that rhyme ‘heart’ and ‘apart’ more than once in each of their songs, but after listening to the demo I can understand the Taliban’s thought process,” said independent musician Amin Kazimi. “Musicians around Kabul are trying to find ways to continue performing, but the punishment for playing music in any form is quite harsh. You could be beaten or imprisoned, and if anyone is caught playing your band’s demo then they will be killed on the spot. We are also urging all ‘emo rap’ artists to disable their Bandcamp pages — if the Taliban hears any of those recordings, things could get much worse for us.”

At press time, the U.S. Army is reportedly using your band’s demo at black sites around the globe as a tool in enhanced interrogation methods.