6 Wild Lemmy Stories That We Embellished a Bit Because He Mostly Just Sat Around in a Bar

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The two most badass words in Rock ‘n Roll: Lemmy. Kilmister. Hell, the man’s given last name is already cooler than any nickname you or I will ever have bestowed upon us. He is a rock god and the owner of history’s greatest set of mutton chops.

His sheer volume of drinking became the stuff of legends, so you’d think there would be a thousand fantastic stories about the man doing crazy things. But the thing is, off-stage he pretty much just sat around Los Angeles’ Rainbow Room, playing video poker and getting quietly tanked on Jack and Cokes. So, with that in mind, here are six absolutely crazy stories about Lemmy that we might have embellished just a little to make them more interesting:

The Time Lemmy Singlehandedly Slew the Dragon of Stoke-on-Trent: When Lemmy was just a young English lad growing up in Staffordshire, villagers near and far told stories of the fearsome dragon of Stoke-on-Trent, who collected the very finest pottery and hoarded them in its lair. So when he grew to be a man, Lemmy took Van Helsing’s personal Tojo blades, re-gifted to him by Ozzy Osbourne, and slew the dragon. Totally happened, don’t worry about looking it up.

The Time Lemmy Threw Slash to the Moon and Back: Back in ‘93, Lemmy had just gotten back from a tour of Spain and was in a baaaad mood. So when Guns N’ Roses guitarist Slash sat on his favorite barstool, Lemmy picked up that guy by the top hat and flung him all the way to the moon faster than you can say “n-n-n-n-knees.” Fortunately for hard rock history, he later took pity on Slash, who spent his time on the moon crying, and rescued him from the Lunar Rock Monsters. That’s what we heard anyway.

The Time Lemmy Defeated Mirror-Universe Lemmy Once and For All: As we all know, Lemmy and Mirror-Universe Lemmy have been in conflict ever since a cocaine-related incident in Prague cracked the barriers between dimensions and allowed Mirror-Lemmy (with his white cowboy hat and hair over his entire face except for where sideburns would be) to cross over. Lemmy prevailed when he impaled his parallel self on the neck of a Rickenbacker 4000 Series bass guitar, but the dumb government covered it up, so you’ll just have to take our word for it.

When Lemmy Travelled Back in Time to Prevent Abraham Lincoln’s Murder But Then Lincoln Fell Down Some Stairs Immediately After: Tragic.

The Time Lemmy Wrote Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony: While Lemmy is mostly known for his magnetic stage presence and singing Triple H’s theme music, he was also an accomplished songwriter. Did you know that on one amphetamine-fueled night in 1974, he wrote the entirety of Symphony #5 by Ludwig Beethoven? Fuckin’ rock ‘n roll, man.

The Time Lemmy Was Our Real Dad: You can’t prove it’s not true. Please let us have this.

DIY Punk Newspaper 90% Obituaries

Posted on by Camden Brazile

DEKALB, Ill. — Staff of underground punk newspaper The Shattered Mirror, created by scene members for scene members, noticed a shocking statistic about their reporting: over 90% of their paper is obituaries.

“These days it seems like the only thing we write about is punks dying,” said Editor-in-Chief Marcus Henley. “I go to more funerals now than shows. Live shows are more fun, but funerals tend to smell better, even if there is a corpse there. I would love to write more about new releases, or profiles on bands, but it seems like every day we hear about a member of the scene dying because someone dared them to eat a beer bottle and the glass cut their intestinal wall, or their pet ferret gave them rabies. It’s not all bad, though. Obituaries really sell papers, and I can always count on grieving families to buy a copy.”

Fans of the paper have found that the obituaries help them stay updated on the scene more than any other type of news.

“I love seeing what everyone has been up to, even if that’s mostly just dying. I used to wonder if someone left the scene because they washed out or got a real job or something, but now I’m happy to know that it’s because they died siphoning gas out of someone’s lawnmower,” said avid reader Guy Monoghan. “Every week I just hope that I make it to the next paper, and I hope whenever I bite it, I’ll get a full spread on page four.”

Journalism industry insider Woody Black commented on the success of The Shattered Mirror and its unique content, suggesting the two were correlated.

“There’s a common newspaper adage that ‘if it bleeds, it leads,’ but in this paper it seems if it bleeds, it leads, follows, continues, and concludes. Death sells newspapers, so an audience with a much lower life expectancy is perfect for journalism,” said Black. “Newspapers everywhere are losing readers, but this one has remained profitable, especially with the often entertaining or strange causes of death the paper specializes in. They just need to hope the punk scene keeps attracting younger people, or else their readership is going to die off.”

The Shattered Mirror is expected to run a special edition this Sunday with a touching obituary for the paper’s copy editor who recently died after sticking a firecracker up their own ass.

Yet Again I’m the Only Cool Guy at This AA Meeting

Posted on by Camden Brazile

This is getting ridiculous. When I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I thought it would be a cool bunch of people swapping stories about drunk driving and stealing from your loved ones. Just a whole bunch of McNulty’s talking rock bottom shit. But after eight meetings, nobody here is even remotely on my level. No wonder you all want to remain anonymous. If I was as boring as you all, I wouldn’t want notoriety either.

I, on the other hand, fucking rule. Like last week when I shared my hilarious story of blacking out and shitting my pants at a wedding. Awesome, right? But when I got to the big reveal that it was actually my wedding, I did not get a single laugh from the audience. Instead, one of you put your hand on me and started talking about “sharing my pain” when you should’ve been offering to share some of that flask I’m sure you have. Come on, I know it’s not empty. I haven’t seen you pull it out once.

I don’t think it’s me, by the way. And not just because I have a lifelong pattern of blame-shifting and no sense of accountability. Because when Kyle shared his anecdote about having his kids taken away, which I thought was a riot and gave him plenty of laughs and a few quick “Woo!”s, everyone got all mad for some reason. You guys gotta loosen up. And you know what helps me loosen up? Actually, never mind. You guys are boring.

Unfortunately, I’m stuck with you all for the next ten court-appointed months, so we’ll have to make do. But just to put it out there: you people are no fun at all. At this point, I want to stop drinking just so I can never see you losers again. Is that how the program works? Whatever. At the beginning of this meeting, I was proud to call myself an alcoholic. After hearing all your stories, now I’m not so sure.

Drummer Worried About Job Becoming Automated

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

BATON ROUGE, La. — Candace Lepetomayne, drummer for industrial band Manufuckturing Sextor, has become increasingly worried that her job will be automated and completed by machines, according to sources.

“They told me everything I can do, a machine can do better, and twice as fast,” lamented Lepetomayne. “There used to be plenty of unskilled drumming jobs, and you didn’t need some fancy college degree. Now it’s almost impossible to provide for a family on drumming alone. You know what gets lost in all of this? The human touch. Sure, a drum machine may be cheap, but will a drum machine wish you happy birthday? Will a drum machine jump your car? Will it stop you from humping a cactus after you’ve had too much molly? I just feel bad for the others in the band. If the drummer isn’t safe, then who is? Definitely not the bassist.”

Higher-ups at Manufuckturing Sextor view the transition to automation as a necessary step towards maximizing both productivity and profitability.

“One day it hit me: the less people to pay, the more I get paid,” remarked frontman Jessie “Gash-kit” Hodges, looking quite pleased with himself. “That’s how business in America works. I utilize a stretched-thin workforce to produce a sub-par product that I sell at a huge markup, only to later collect the majority of the rewards of others’ labor. We were already payin’ her less, what with her bein’ a lady and all, but there’s opportunities for efficiencies all over. I could get rid of the bass, guitar, keys. I’ll just need someone to write the songs and drive me to shows. I’m too busy bein’ an entrepreneur to overturn my DUI.”

For now, the trend in the market appears like it will continue indefinitely.

“This country used to make beats,” explained economist Madeline Plimpton. “Then in the ‘80s, there was a huge move towards digitization. For a while, most of the drumming jobs were in call centers overseas. It won’t be long before most music manufacturing processes are controlled by Logic systems. My advice to aspiring drummers? Quit practicing and learn to program.”

At press time, Lepetomayne had filed suit against Hodges, claiming unlawful termination on grounds that drummers are protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Desperate High School English Teacher Starts Calling Symbolism “Easter Eggs”

Posted on by Peter Woods

IOWA CITY, Iowa — Local high school teacher Valerie Kaur is attempting to improve student engagement by referring to symbolism as “Easter Eggs” in her American Literature class, sources barely paying attention sort of confirmed.

“I’ve tried every trick in the book to get these kids to care about ‘Catcher in the Rye.’ I’ve tried to explain to them that Holden Caulfield is basically the Logan Paul of his generation, but there’s just no competing with TikTok or whatever other hell site they found today,” said a visibly defeated Kaur. “But as soon as I started telling my students that the metaphors were actually ‘cool fan theories,’ they started looking at me instead of their phones. I’m just totally shocked it worked.”

“Do they actually think I’m the first person to realize that the ducks in the pond represent Holden?” added Kaur. “Do they not realize Salinger did that on purpose?”

Despite Kaur’s reservations, the students in her class have already bought into the vocabulary shift.

“Before, I thought that all of these books were just boring-ass stories, but now I get it: books are just movies that someone turned into a bunch of words,” said sophomore Laurel Arias. “I’m so pumped that I already started my final paper about how I totally discovered that ‘Hamlet’ and ‘Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead’ are in the same cinematic universe.”

A small but vocal group of parents in the school district admitted they were not comfortable with the shift in messaging.

“They already screwed up math with those Common Core Standards, asking kids to do things differently than how I did them. Now they’re ruining English,” shouted Clyde Fulton, the father of an incoming freshman student. “And I’m even more pissed off at the education board in this town that won’t let me edit the text books and remove everything I find offensive. I don’t want my kid learning that this country allowed slavery. That won’t help her get into college.”

“Also, I’m pretty sure ‘Easter Eggs’ is just Critical Race Theory,” added Fulton.

As early as next week, chemistry teachers may reveal a brand new set of classroom materials that rebrand chemical reactions as “cheat codes” amongst other changes.

Man Pretty Sure Hating Himself Counts as A Form of Activism

Posted on by Stephen Bell

SAN DIEGO — Local socially conscious man Aaron Mayfield is pretty sure that all his self loathing, flagellation, and deprecation counts as a form of powerful social activism, according to sources familiar with the unhappy man.

“I’ve read a lot of Instagram posts about the world’s problems and it has made me very aware that I’m largely to blame for most of the bad shit that’s going on. But my biggest problem is I’m just too fucking lazy to do anything about it,” said Mayfield as he crossed a picket line at a local supermarket. “I’m a real cheap bastard, so direct payments to underserved communities are out of the question. If I want to show my solidarity with BIPOC, as us people in the know call them, I’ll always throw in a quick ‘white people, am I right’ or a ‘men are trash’ just to flash how progressive I am. I think it’s doing a lot of good.”

Local activist Shelly Kirkwald, who is also an acquaintance of Mayfield, expressed dismay with his attitude.

“Goddammit, I don’t want Aaron sitting at home beating himself up; that’s no use to anyone. I want him out there putting his body on the line with the rest of us,” said a frustrated Kirkwald. “When I asked him to come to an action to abolish the police, he said he was too busy doing his daily ‘anti-racism training,’ which is just reading negative reviews of Tarantino movies that use the N-word. I still remember the day he learned what micro-aggressions were. He spent an entire week apologizing and slapping himself. It was unhinged, and extremely annoying.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Alyson Jeffries gave greater clarification about Mayfield’s lack of substantive action.

“It’s clear to me that Mr. Mayfield is suffering from a condition known as ‘Pelosism,” explained Jeffries. “This condition is largely present in white men in their mid-30s whose parents still pay their car insurance. Anyone that has this affliction will usually find that all of their progressive actions are vapid and symbolic. The work you do is ultimately palliative for the ego, but does nothing to change the status quo. On the plus side, though, this narcissism will make you look pretty darn woke to your other white friends.”

At press time, Mayfield was seen apologizing to a homeless man about his situation, and then calling the cops on him for loitering.

If That’s What It Takes To Get a Weekly Gig Playing Guitar, Then Yes, I Am Very Christian

Posted on by John Danek

“The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.” I have no idea what that statement means, but that’s what the vocalist of my previous band said as the cops cuffed him and booked him for selling counterfeit pacemakers. But his last words and the following 2 years of gig-less life made me realize something.

The Lord needs to giveth me a new gig playing guitar somewhere, anywhere. Pronto. I truly have no other employable skills.

So anyways, that’s why I think you need me in your worship band. Because not only do I shred, I’m also totally like, really Christian. So Christian it will make your head spin. Wait, are you guys Catholic? Is that different? Regardless, I’m whatever you are. Amen.

I’ve watched a lot of Joel Osteen while stoned, so I know that if you pray every day, you get to keep a fabulous mop of hair well into your 50’s. God is good all the time. Except before 11am, I never wake up before then. Will that be a problem?

I definitely went to Sunday school. I even vaguely remember being confirmed, whatever that means. I haven’t actually been to church physically since then, but that’s just because I believe God is everywhere! Right? That’s a thing?

I was also wondering if this church is the pro-Trump Christian or the anti-Trump Christian kind. I don’t care either way, I just don’t want to commit a faux pas on my first day. I’m flexible!

I’ve also been brainstorming some new band names for when I join. Here are just a few I came up with: The Book of Shred, The Gospel According to Rock, and Nü Testament. Mull them over and let me know which you like the best so my buddy who does screenprinting can get started on merch.

I just bought a new reverb pedal with a shimmer effect that sounds like God welcoming you into heaven to sip Mai Tais with Prince and Bea Arthur. But I also have a sick fuzz pedal that sounds like Old Testament God telling you to gut your kid on a rock for no reason. I’m a very versatile musician ready to spread the good news of Steve Vai. Oh, and the Lord.

Lastly, I’m going to need to take a vacation day for Yom Kippur. Hope that’s chill.

Tori Amos And Piano Bench Enter Into Domestic Partnership

Posted on by Caroline Smith

CORNWALL, UK — Singer and pianist Tori Amos officially entered into a domestic partnership with her longtime piano bench in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family performed in the English countryside.

“I am happy if my daughter is happy, no matter what her ‘lifestyle’ may be,” Amos’s father Dr. Edison Amos quipped. “Quite frankly, I’m not that surprised to see those two finally make it kind of official. Myra Ellen had ‘special friendships’ with a few piano stools when she was younger, but nothing like this. Her mother and I just felt it was a matter of time before she felt comfortable talking about her predilection towards inanimate objects that provide a place to sit and store sheet music.”

Some fans were initially shocked when Amos announced the union, but soon agreed that Amos should be free to love who or what she pleases.

“Tori is a fiery goddess from the bowels of Pele. I literally worship the ground she walks on,” exclaimed superfan Fiona Schaeffer. “I was confused at first by Tori’s objectophilia, especially since she has such a hot husband. But then I thought, even though I am not personally attracted to piano benches, who am I to judge love between two consenting adults? Wait, can the bench consent?”

Not everyone, however, is supportive of Amos’s and the bench’s union.

“Well I think the whole thing is bullshit!” said a small keyboard Amos sometimes practices on. “Persephone just lays there and doesn’t even do anything. I don’t get what the appeal is at all. Between you and me, Tori led me on for years but ended up putting me in the friend zone. She rubs her hands all over me all day, bangs me even, gets me all worked up but claims it’s ‘just part of the job’ and that our relationship is strictly professional.”

When asked why she finally decided to tie the knot, Amos remarked that the bench was “threatening to leave” if she didn’t.

Tori Amos And Piano Bench Enter Into Domestic Partnership

Posted on by Caroline Smith

CORNWALL, UK — Singer and pianist Tori Amos officially entered into a domestic partnership with her longtime piano bench in a quiet ceremony with close friends and family performed in the English countryside.

“I am happy if my daughter is happy, no matter what her ‘lifestyle’ may be,” Amos’s father Dr. Edison Amos quipped. “Quite frankly, I’m not that surprised to see those two finally make it kind of official. Myra Ellen had ‘special friendships’ with a few piano stools when she was younger, but nothing like this. Her mother and I just felt it was a matter of time before she felt comfortable talking about her predilection towards inanimate objects that provide a place to sit and store sheet music.”

Some fans were initially shocked when Amos announced the union, but soon agreed that Amos should be free to love who or what she pleases.

“Tori is a fiery goddess from the bowels of Pele. I literally worship the ground she walks on,” exclaimed superfan Fiona Schaeffer. “I was confused at first by Tori’s objectophilia, especially since she has such a hot husband. But then I thought, even though I am not personally attracted to piano benches, who am I to judge love between two consenting adults? Wait, can the bench consent?”

Not everyone, however, is supportive of Amos’s and the bench’s union.

“Well I think the whole thing is bullshit!” said a small keyboard Amos sometimes practices on. “Persephone just lays there and doesn’t even do anything. I don’t get what the appeal is at all. Between you and me, Tori led me on for years but ended up putting me in the friend zone. She rubs her hands all over me all day, bangs me even, gets me all worked up but claims it’s ‘just part of the job’ and that our relationship is strictly professional.”

When asked why she finally decided to tie the knot, Amos remarked that the bench was “threatening to leave” if she didn’t.

Man’s Unmitigated Hatred of Astrology More of a Red Flag Than His Actual Astrological Sign

Posted on by Bobby Korec

WILKES-BARRE, Pa. — Local woman Alicia Beacon discovered a major red flag during her first date with Tony Delough in his overwhelmingly vocal distaste for astrology, more so than his relatively incompatible astrological sign itself, disappointed sources confirmed.

“I clocked the warning sign long before the jalapeño poppers even arrived,” said Beacon while preemptively blocking him from all of her social media accounts. “I made one joking comment about Virgo season, and before I know it he’s on the most boring tirade about how astrology is bullshit because he did a bunch of research supposedly debunking it on YouTube. If you’re going to hate astrology so much, at least be a Gemini when it makes sense to! They should really make a 13th astrological sign just for these types of dudes who illogically resent shit for personality points. Just let it go.”

Her date for the evening shared his thoughts on the social engagement.

“It’s like I always say: if you don’t like something, make it the first thing you say to people when you meet them,” said Delough before adding five inches to his height on his Tinder bio. “Honestly, I thought the whole thing went pretty well. She got to know my disinterests, bands I despise, and TV shows I absolutely can’t stand. The perfect date, really. I just can’t wait for the second date that’s totally going to happen, so I can share my thoughts on how comic book movies aren’t real movies because they do not meet my arbitrary standards for what constitutes a legitimate film.”

Experts weighed in on the phenomenon of animosity toward popular trends.

“A benign topic that many people have a genuine interest in can irrationally frustrate those who simply don’t want to make an effort to understand,” said counselor Gwendolyn Mather. “We live in an age where you can no longer say, ‘I understand why someone would find this appealing, but it isn’t for me, so I will focus on something else that I enjoy instead.’ You have to be 100% for or against every kind of thing in order for anyone to notice you. Otherwise you’ll come across as neutral. Let’s be honest, being indifferent is not going to get you any followers on Twitter.”

At press time, Beacon discovered another red flag when Delough coincidentally forgot his Venmo login credentials, which was more of a warning than him forgetting his actual wallet.