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Real Life “Scream?” Someone Is Calling My Phone

In 1996, horror master Wes Craven took the entire genre in a new direction with the release of “Scream,” a movie about the terrifying consequences of using your phone as a phone. In the world of movies, this premise made for entertainment of the highest caliber. Unfortunately, in a terrifying case of life imitating art, some deranged psychopath has attempted to call my phone, and my life has been a waking nightmare ever since.

It would seem that somewhere out there some sick fuck wants to play some sort of game with me. Or, like, maybe it was a butt dial? Who the hell calls people?!

What’s next, dream demons who kill you in your sleep? Killer dolls? What about leprechauns in the hood, are they real?

According to my phone, the caller is my cousin Greg. But since Greg is my age and not a deranged psychopath, there is no way Greg is calling me instead of texting! In all likelihood Greg has been staged nearby, tied to a chair to be murdered by the elusive ghostface killer right before my eyes.

The way I see it I have two options. Option one: I make a run for it here and now. It’s risky. I don’t know which door ghostface is hiding behind and I would sort of be leaving Greg high and dry. On the other hand, getting help right away could be Greg’s best chance of survival, and honestly, I’ve never been that crazy about Greg to begin with. He’s sort of a “Rogan guy.” Option 2: I pick up the phone, and the game begins.

Honestly, I think I could survive a cat-and-mouse game of horror movie trivia. I’ve seen a lot of them, and I wouldn’t be tripped up by any basic ass “Jason doesn’t show up until the sequel” horseshit. But would that matter? If Drew Barrymore had answered that question correctly, would Ghostface have cut her boyfriend loose and let them both live? The prospect is dubious at best.

I knew I shouldn’t have had all of that beer and weed sex this morning, really shot myself in the foot, horror rule-wise.

Okay there’s a voicemail. It’s my Mom. She ran into Greg at the store and wanted to tell me but she asked to use Greg’s phone because I never answer when she calls. It looks like I’m safe for the time being but Mom might take this as an excuse to pop by unannounced, so I should probably still go get a gun.