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Opinion: For the Last Goddamn Time, We’re Not a Ska Band. We’re the London Philharmonic Orchestra

Alright, listen. I’m sick of dealing with this over and over again, so I’m setting the record straight for good right now. Every couple of months some yahoo comes in off the street and makes the same ridiculous claim and I just need everyone to collectively pull their head out of their ass and stop wasting my time.

Here it is: we’re not a ska band. We’re the London Philharmonic Orchestra.

And I know what all of you are about to say. I’ve heard every single argument and none of it makes sense. Yes, I understand that we have way more than four people on stage who all wear the same black and white outfit and some of them play trombone. That does NOT make us a ska band. Lots of musical groups have trombones and most of them play music that isn’t ska.

I can’t believe I need to spell this out, but you have to play ska music to be a ska band. This should not be hard.

Like, honestly. If we were a ska band we’d be called something moronic like The London Philharmonic Orchest-ska. And yes, you can use that. I know you want to.

Also, I think it’s incredibly insulting that you all keep telling me that I’m “The Bosstone” of this ska band. First, were not a ska band. Second, there is only one Bosstone and he’s the guy that stands off to the side at Mighty Mighty Bosstones and skanks while the rest of the band plays music. He doesn’t do anything besides dance. He’s completely superfluous.

I, on the other hand, am the conductor. I don’t “dance” while I’m up here. I’m conducting the orchestra and tell them what to do.

And the fact that you think this is how I dance really shows how little you think of me.

So that’s it. We’re an orchestra. We play classical music. So please stop screaming “pick it up” over and over again during this Haydn symphony and let us get back to the concert.