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Romantic Fall Activity Endured

NEWBURGH, N.Y. — A romantic day-date activity was undergone and endured by a local couple early yesterday morning, sources who are glad to be back home and watching Netflix in their sweatpants confirmed.

“I have the day off, the air is crisp, and I love my girlfriend, so I figure what better way to appreciate all of that than to subject both of us to an afternoon that’s somehow simultaneously boring and enraging,” said regretful fool who now has two dozen cinnamon donuts on his hands, Ryan Castillo. “I’m proud to say we got through it, and we’re even still together and everything. Sure, my clothes are wet, I’m freezing, and I’ve somehow survived carrying 60 pounds of apples all day with my only nutrients coming from hot chocolate and maple syrup candy, but I’ll be damned if we didn’t get 200 of basically the same photo, which only my mom will be happy to comment on.”

Other couples who have subjected themselves to similar ventures offered tips for persisting in future inevitable occasions.

“When me and Sadie first met we thought it would be cute to visit a pumpkin patch out in the sticks, and learned our lesson the hard way,” said person who’s better for it now, Deandra McCombs. “Fall activities can be survived, it’s just important to keep the basics in mind — stay hydrated, locate all bathrooms and exits immediately, and bring her a heavy jacket no matter what she or your weather app says. The rest is up to God.”

Romance experts confirmed that engaging in seasonal activities with significant others results in experiences that are “technically nice but objectively awful.”

“Every fall, millions of couples everywhere make plans amongst themselves to visit and engage in photogenic activities, but have no idea what they’re getting themselves into,” said couples therapist and thrice-divorced woman, Dr. Patty Juliano. “At best, couples can expect a decent photo or, in some cases, a few bites of a pumpkin spice creme brulee donut, or something. Many, however, experience irritation, moodiness, and an inability to see their significant other as sexually desirable after having witnessed them become incomprehensibly lost in a corn maze for upward of 35 minutes.”

At press time, Castillo destroyed tickets he procured for a seven-hour long steam-powered train ride through the countryside and instead plans to enjoy his time masturbating, and rewatching The Office in a room with WiFi and heat.

Photo by Dom Turek.