GAINESVILLE, Fla — Volunteer security guards at The Fest accidentally let upward of 40 different guys who look like local music mainstay Chuck Ragan backstage at Bo Diddley Plaza without proper credentials, according to sources that also look like Chuck Ragan.
“No one wants to be the one who asked Chuck for his wristband when he’s trying to get ready for the show. Not that he would be mean about it, we just don’t like rustlin’ a fellas flannel down here,” said security volunteer Aaron Nichols. “Ya’ know, I probably let about ten guys backstage myself. They had beautiful lookin’ beards and strong forearms and they gave me a nod with confidence so I let ‘em in. It’s too late to tell if they’re not Chuck Ragan, but better safe than sorry.”
Members of The Fest production team did their best to clear the area of non-Chuck Ragans after the backstage area became overcrowded.
“I got a call on the walkie that said a buncha’ bearded guys in flannel were taking up space at the main venue’s backstage area, trading fishing tips and taking whiskey shots in honor of the ocean’s ceaseless majesty,” said Fest Co-Producer Megan Vittles. “So we tried to get everyone to show us ID. Most of them had a fishing license, but only one of them was supposed to be back there. I don’t know how this keeps happening every year.”
Not every musician playing The Fest was happy about the mass exodus of guys that looked like Chuck Ragan from backstage.
“They fuckin’ kicked me out right before I was supposed to play!” said a visibly aggrieved Tim Barry. “I don’t have no ID because I don’t need one riding the rails down here and ain’t no person got the right to tell my free-spirit ass where he is or isn’t supposed to be.”
At press time, security is dealing with an issue involving numerous gangly, visibly anxious, awkward guys who look like Tin Tin with glasses hanging out backstage at the Chris Gethard comedy show.