5 Side Jobs That Will Earn You Extra Cash, but What Does It Profit a Man to Gain the World and Lose His Soul?

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Money doesn’t grow on trees and we’re all about that, uhh, hustle. Yep. All about it. All the time. Us, hustling… Sorry, our heart just isn’t in this. Sure, we have five sick side jobs that can make you some extra cash, but why bother? For what does it profit a man to gain the entire material world, if the true price is his soul?

DoorDash Delivery – There’s always money in food delivery! In the last five years alone, restaurant delivery has grown over 30 percent. This is convenient for when you choose to waste your few dwindling days in this world in service of monetary gain. Every moment you spend chasing dollars is a moment your immortal spirit withers on the vine.

Rent Out Your Place – Got a spare room? Airbnb that sucker! And perhaps you will also come to find your home is now nothing more than another cog in the constant machine that forces you to scramble for scraps. When you turn your place of rest into another source of meaningless dross, there can be no rest for your spirit.

SAT Tutor – Back to school! Every day, there are thousands of kids that need help with the all-important SATs, and you can turn that academic desperation into cold hard cash. After all, even knowledge has been commodified. Everything is just more fodder for endless commerce, turned away from Heaven and all its bounties.

Write Erotic eBooks – Yeah, people fucking love that shit. The weirder the better.

Murder for Hire – It’s profitable, but you will absolutely end up in Hell. Now, think this one through: for a simple, basic murder, you can earn upwards of $10,000 for a single kill. Most of the time, you won’t even know what they did to deserve it. But the simple act of violence will put you in violation of the simplest law of the universe: thou shalt not kill. For this side hustle, you would be putting your immortal soul at risk.

But hey, it beats Uber.

Goth Files Discrimination Lawsuit After PTO Request for Halloween Denied

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NEPTUNE, N.J. — Local supermarket cashier and goth Trish Sommers filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against her employer after her PTO request for Halloween was automatically denied by HR, sources within the store confirmed.

“My managers already treat me differently because I like spending my time doing charcoal rubbings in the graveyard and wearing fishnets to work even though they are ‘against the dress code,’ but stonewalling my time off request for the unholiest of days? This is bigotry, plain and simple,” said Sommers while feeding her seven black cats. “I don’t care if Halloween falls on a Sunday and we’re short staffed; all my Jewish coworkers got to take off for Yom Kippur and that holiday isn’t even fun. Shouldn’t I get the right to observe my holiday, rewatching Edward Scissorhands and drinking snakebites?”

The store’s HR representative was surprised by the lawsuit, but remained steadfast in their decision to deny the request.

“Trish already has had plenty of time off this year, what with her having the worst attendance on our staff by far. Two months ago she told me she needed time off for a family gathering, but it turned out that it was just to go to a Wednesday Addams costume contest,” said Colleen Wilkins. “Plus there’s the glaring obviousness that Halloween is not a religious holiday, so it’s pointless for her to claim this is a First Amendment violation. This is just like the time she tried to bring in an emotional support bat.”

Experts in anti-goth rhetoric noted that many businesses overlook, and sometimes diminish, alternate lifestyles.

“The past few Octobers, we’ve seen a shocking spike in anti-goth sentiment. In what should be the most festive time of the year, we must suffer the indignities of these fucking normies who wouldn’t know Manic Panic from L’Oreal,” said Spike Richards, founder of goth advocacy group Bela Lugosi’s Dad. “It’s far too common around this time of year to see things like employers banning corpse paint and capes because it ‘frightens customers’ or whatever.”

“This manager will callously deny Trish her right to observe Halloween, but I will bet they’ll probably turn around and leave work early so they can take their little shitbag kids out to trick or treat later that night. The hypocrisy is astonishing,” he added

As of press time, Sommers dropped the lawsuit after management agreed she could take the next day off to celebrate the Day of the Dead.

Tasteful Nude Distastefully Masturbated To

Posted on by Graham Isador

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Eddy Taylor showed his appreciation for a beautifully composed and tastefully shot nude photo of his former co-worker posted on social media by hastily cranking one out on the crumb-covered futon of his shared apartment, he confirmed after a long look in the mirror.

“Trish and I used to wait tables together, and I had the biggest crush on her. So when I saw this photo pop up on my Instagram feed, I snapped into action,” said Taylor while pushing a pile of used tissues under his bed. “The photo was in black and white and I think she was in a forest or something? I cleared a few of the old pizza boxes off my bed to set the mood and I went to town like a plane crash survivor trying to start a fire out of twigs in the North Pole. Give me 30 minutes and I think I need to go for it again.”

The disgusting environment in which Taylor “beat the bishop,” littered with half-finished cans of White Claw and fraying concert posters, was not the setting in which model Trish Maddison intended the photo to be viewed.

“To me, posing naked in the forest was a chance to show that my body is a piece of nature the same as the trees or the moss,” said Maddison. “I’ve had a few health scares over the past year, and I know my body isn’t going to look this way forever. I wanted to document this moment for myself so I could appreciate this vessel that I’m inhabiting as I grow and evolve as a human. I never thought of the photo as inherently sexual; it’s simply me existing.”

Art historian Kristin Campbell noted that perverts have a long lineage of “jerking it to art nudes,” dating back thousands of years.

“Basically as long as people have been producing nude art, there have been men who tug the slug until it bursts into a shameful mess all over their stomach,” said Campbell. “If you’re a woman that wants to have a man jerk off to your photos, then good news: they already are. If you aren’t into that sort of thing, then just try to block it out of your mind. There is even evidence that early man stimulated themselves to rudimentary paintings on cave walls; they can’t be stopped.”

At press time, Taylor has been sending a number of off-putting DMs to his former co-worker asking how he can support her art.

Dad Reminiscing About 4-Hour Rush Concert Clearly Suffering from Stockholm Syndrome

Posted on by Ted Pillow

NEW PALTZ, N.Y. — 62-year-old Larry Dang’s intensely positive description of a Rush show he attended in 1983 suggests that he is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, concerned sources confirmed.

“That was the best night of my life! It was just me and 8,000 other Rush maniacs rocking to the point of exhaustion,” Dang explained while gesturing towards a framed set list and ticket stub from the concert. “They played all the hits, plus deep cuts. Sure, they played so long without a break that I developed a pretty nasty UTI from holding my pee until my bladder nearly ruptured. And yes, during the 90-minute encore I got so hungry that I was forced to eat the sleeves off a denim jacket I found on the urine-soaked floor. But not a day goes by that I don’t remember that concert and scream with joy.”

Larry Dangs’s daughter, Jacklyn Porter, is convinced that her father has the same complex psychological relationship with Rush that many hostages develop with their captors.

“My dad is a good man, he really is. But he’s still completely fucked up from that concert 30 years ago, and he doesn’t even realize how damaged he is,” admitted Porter. “He talks about it constantly. I know lots of boomers are like this, going on and on about Pink Floyd and Yes and how back in their day bands were artists and all that crap. But with Dad, you can tell his brain has serious trauma from that era. To this day, he enters a catatonic state any time he hears a drum solo or sees a large group of Canadians rhythmically swaying.”

Crisis negotiation experts agree that Rush is one of several bands with whom fans develop relationships that could be indicative of Stockholm Syndrome.

“These bands with diehard fans that follow them across the country, spending all their money to watch slightly different variations of the same self-indulgent sets over and over? Fuck yeah, that’s Stockholm Syndrome,” stated FBI agent Frank Stewart. “It fits all of the criteria. In fact, we treat any prog rock concert that lasts longer than two hours as an active hostage situation. Dream Theater is currently #4 on our Most Wanted List.”

As of press time, Dang was lying on the floor in the garage, listening to “Tom Sawyer” in the dark and moaning.

5 Halloween Costumes To Remind Your Kids That Mom and Dad Are Horny Sometimes

Posted on by Dan Rice

For kids, Halloween is all about candy. For parents, it’s an opportunity to show said children that Mommy and Daddy still have incredibly healthy libidos. Whether you and your spouse are off to a “grown-up party” or just taking the kids trick or treating, Halloween is the perfect time to burden your children psychologically with the fact that you guys can barely keep it in your pants half the goddamn time.

Pirates
A tried and true classic, pirate costumes can be found from Spirit Halloween to Dollar Tree, making them an ideal choice for any budget. It’s also an ideal choice for your bizarre predilection for perving the fuck out right in front of your freaking kids. A whole pillowcase full of king size Reese’s won’t be enough for your kids to suppress the thinly veiled “plundering booty” and “peg leg” jokes Dad is sure to make before making out with wench-Mom HARD.

Plug/outlet
Available in one version or another at most major costume outlets, what this couple’s costume lacks in titillation it more than makes up for in implication. It is suggestiveness that literally a child can pick up on; namely your child, who is fucking horrified by this way more than they are by any Freddy or Jason movie.

Cop/criminal
This one hits hard. Not only is the cop costume available almost exclusively in “sexy” versions for either gender, the cop/criminal angle will have you expressing what is clearly a long pre-established kink dynamic right in front of your goddamned kids. Jesus, why are you guys like this?

The Shining Twins
Okay this one isn’t even inherently sexy, you guys are just making it that way because you’re gross. Seriously, you’re both dressed as dead, blood-related children, what the fuck is hot about this to you? Can’t you guys ever crack a second White Claw without behaving like wild animals right in the goddamned kitchen? Knock it off!

Lilo and Stitch
Alright you guys are just sick, you hear me? SICK. Lilo and Stitch? One of you is wearing a giant bag in the shape of a cartoon mouse alien, stop making out like that! Literally the only Disney property without hidden sexual undertones and you two are about to go at it like mad right on the table where all of us eat. Disgusting.

When I’m 16, I am so getting emancipated.

Band Attempting To Buy Back Tour Van From Local Police Auction

Posted on by James Knapp

ALBANY, N.Y. — Members of crust funk band the Salt Garglers were desperately trying to repurchase their impounded econoline van at a civil forfeiture auction in the midst of their presently stalled East Coast tour, sources totally fed up with this capitalist horseshit confirmed.

“I guess this is what happens when you let the bass player drive,” lamented Salt Garglers frontman Davis Wendt. “We’ve had that van for years, but of course the one time we leave it parked diagonally across three handicapped parking spots outside a dialysis clinic, it gets towed. We’re trying to get the van back but the competition here is fierce. Our van smells like shit, but I overheard one guy saying he needs a new van for his plumbing business, so he’s probably used to it. I hope he drops out early. Also, I don’t know if they’re gonna let us pay for it with drink tickets so we may have to use our drummer’s dad’s credit card again.”

Albany PD Sergeant Gary Unger detailed how the van came to be at auction.

“Upon finding the vehicle illegally parked, we were initially just going to ignore it, until we found out it belonged to a touring band from Massachusetts. Then we had to call it in,” explained Unger. “We impounded the vehicle, tore out the interior, gutted the engine and stuffed a couple of bananas down the gas tank. Also, we peed on it a bunch. You never know with these touring bands. They could be a front for smuggling drugs, or they could be the Red Hot Chili Peppers, or even worse; they could be Red Sox fans. We find it’s easier to just cut to the end and fuck up everyone’s day. It saves time.”

Local curmudgeon and police auction attendee Harry Nerman said he loves to buy cheap vans at auctions right out from under struggling bands.

“I’ve had it with these damn rocking n’ rooting bands strutting around my town in their dern skinny britches. I wanna make sure they all know they ain’t welcome,” said Nerman before raising the bid to $300. “I own nineteen vans now, and every one of ‘em used to belong to guitar playing hooligans. And before you say anything, I am not ‘bitter and pathetic and lonely.’ I actually don’t feel much of anything anymore, so that shows you.”

Update: The Salt Garglers have decided to cut their losses and use their remaining $47 to purchase at auction an amp supposedly confiscated from John Wayne Gacy.

We Need Cyberbullying, Otherwise Our Kids Won’t Know How To Defend Themselves in the Comments Section of the Real World

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Now that many schools have gone virtual, we need to address cyberbullying. Specifically, how necessary it is. Sure, in the past cyberbullying may have gotten out of hand once or twice, but we’ve overcorrected way too far. With the absence of cyberbullying altogether, we’re at risk for a far greater evil. No, not cultural narcissism. That’s what physical bullying prevents.

I’m talking about our kids, the very future of our species, not being prepared to defend themselves in the comments section of the real world.

Good times make weak commenters. Weak commenters make bad times. Bad times make strong commenters. Strong commenters make good times. These are words humanity has lived and thrived by for millennia. Mostly this millennium. Heed them now.

If kids don’t experience cyberbullying in the classroom, where else will they develop the shitposting skills needed for survival when posting in the real world? r/opieandanthony? Ha! That was banned years ago.

Sure, in a perfect world no one will ever comment with a link to your old Myspace profile or point out a spelling error you made, but that’s not how comment sections in the real world work. If our kids aren’t attacked for sincereposting on their school message board, they will not be equipped to fight back when they’re attacked on their fantasy football work-league message board.

Adding cyberbully time into the current virtual learning curriculum would be incredibly easy. By simply allowing kids to log into the chat portal with an unlimited number of untraceable user names, our children will regain the formative experience of being harassed by budding young sociopaths emboldened by anonymity.

We need cyberbullying. Plain and simple. And dads, as much as we all want to act open and progressive towards our sons, how would you feel if your boy got insulted online and he responded by meekly putting his phone down and going outside to play football? A future without cyberbulling will be that dystopia.

MacGyver Makes It Through Saw Film Completely Unharmed

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Handsome super secret agent Angus “Mac” MacGyver easily thwarted a series of overly elaborate and ironic death traps set by famed serial killer Jigsaw, shocked witnesses suffering various forms of torture confirmed.

“When I woke up with a giant bear trap around my neck, I initially suspected Murdoc was up to his old tricks,” said MacGyver. “That’s when some strange puppet riding a tricycle appeared on a TV monitor and asked me to play a game. He told me I had to cut a skeleton key from my own kidney to escape. Instead, I used my belt buckle, some duct tape, and a harmonica to vibrate the lock at a specific frequency. I was probably out of there in 10 minutes. I even saved some woman from having to saw off her own foot by breaking the chain using some wart freezing spray and a specially trained rat. Compared to other adventures I’ve been on, today was actually not that eventful.”

The now apprehended Jigsaw killer, John Kramer, was upset, yet impressed.

“I started this whole project to see if people had what it takes to really survive. But this was really meant for your average joe, not a god-tier engineer who once toppled an entire terrorist organization using some socks borrowed from one of the deaf students he mentors,” explained Kramer. “And then after arresting me, he even cured my cancer using a banana peel and some chewing gum. Seriously, how the hell does he do all this stuff?”

Detective Aaron Matthews couldn’t believe how MacGyver was able to capture Jigsaw in 40 minutes after he spent years pursuing him.

“Do you have any idea how many suspects I beat the shit out of trying to find this Jigsaw guy?” said Matthews. “I was working my ass off on this case, then some schmuck that can craft a nuclear bomb out of a bobby pin and rubber bands caught him in less time than it takes for me to switch off my body cam. What gets my goat, though, is all he needed was a piece of cheese from some endangered animal species to locate Jigsaw’s murder dungeon. I guess we can’t all be as perfect as he is.”

At press time, MacGyver had also managed to prove himself victorious in a three-way matchup between himself, Alien, and Predator.

Photo courtesy of rdanderson.com. 

Sorry I Haven’t Seen That Show You Recommended, the Idea of Having Something in Common With You Disgusts Me

Posted on by Rachel Steele

Shit, no I did not get a chance to start that show you recommended to me, sorry about that. It’s just that I have a lot in my queue already. Plus, if I have something in common with you, you might be inclined to start another conversation with me in the future as if we are friends, which we categorically are not. So, you can understand, right?

How am I supposed to trust your taste in media when you constantly flood the work group chat with gifs from “The Big Bang Theory”? Everyone who works here started using the word “spouse” exclusively because anytime someone says “wife” around you, you do the fucking Borat voice. Haven’t you noticed that?

Look, I’ve been slammed with replenishing coffee filters for the break room and helping my parents open a PDF file, I just can’t find the time! Plus I’m not sleeping well because I sprained my ankle jumping down a stairwell to avoid bumping into you a few days ago. I’m just really exhausted.

When I get home, all I want to do is unwind with a nice beer and put on a show that is literally anything besides what you suggested to me. That is of course, if I fail to forget the fact that you even exist, which is my goal every day the second I leave this office.

It’s just hard to start a whole new show when I know that if I do wind up liking it, then it means you and I are similar and I’ll have to throw myself off of a bridge.

Well don’t get bent out of shape, it’s not just the fact that I don’t respect your opinion and find you repulsive. My girl and I got a puppy, and it’s been really time-consuming teaching him how to shit outside. Maybe you shouldn’t bother telling me to watch “CSI: Miami” anymore, or interacting with me on any level whatsoever in the future. Between the pup and the fact that hearing your voice makes me physically ill, I just don’t think I’m going to fit it in.

Hey, don’t take it personally, I just don’t respect your opinions because they come out of the dumb face attached to your stupid head. I hope you can understand.

Trumpeter Excited for Fourth Wave of Ska, or Funeral, or Really Any Opportunity to Bust This Fucker Out

Posted on by KC Phillips

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local trumpeter Danielle “Dani Blows” Garcia is anxiously anticipating a ska revival, spontaneous parade, Herb Alpert lookalike concert, or “maybe somebody can just drop dead,” a source who is “just waiting for a chance to bust that motherfucking trumpet out” confirmed.

“Sure, I could play ‘Taps’ whenever I feel like it, but I didn’t spend nine years at trumpet college majoring in trumpeting to not have my trumpet at the ready at all times,” said Garcia, stuffing a duffle bag full of differently sized trumpets. “I’m $70,000 in trumpet debt. If a Mariachi band comes up to my table at a Mexican restaurant, in a subway car, or walking around a plaza somewhere, I’m jumping right the fuck in. It’s been long enough.”

Garcia has been banned from local restaurants, venues, and downtown outdoor areas for her insistence on subjecting those around her to the horn.

“She actually used to work here,” said Maxine Rossi, owner of a patisserie downtown. “We stopped doing pickup orders because she kept yelling ‘pick-it-up, pick-it-up.’ She was supposed to wash dishes, but instead she would sit on the stairs and wait for people to slip so she could go ‘wah-wah-wah’ on that motherfucking trumpet.”

Local police have ticketed Garcia on multiple occasions for hiding behind cars during traffic jams and encouraging honking.

“I don’t like calling the cops on Dani, but once I saw her trying to have a conversation with a goose using a trumpet,” said the head of the neighborhood watch, Dirk Bowers. “And when that stopped working, she tried to teach it how to play ‘Superman.’ That’s when I had to do something. One Dani Blows is enough; if she teaches this goose, or anyone else, to play a fucking trumpet, the neighborhood is done for.”

As of press time, Garcia has uploaded a different video titled “TODAY IS THE DAY – SKA NOT DEAD” to your YouTube channel every day for the last 5007 days.

Photo by Rachel Steele.