Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Party Song Tells You How To Dance To It

Posted on November 19, 2021 by James Webster

SAN DIEGO — The “So-Cal Shimmy,” a brand new novelty party song, is enjoying a quick rise in popularity at weddings across the country because the lyrics are just instructions on how to properly dance to it, according to slightly tipsy party-goers everywhere.

“It was a simple process, honestly,” said musician Doctor Dap The Master of Rap. “I had the beat, and people liked it, but everyone kept doing these different dances to it. I figured, it’s my beat, it’s my song, I should get to pick the dance! But then I thought ‘how do I get people to step right, clap it out, step left, clap it out, lean back, clap it in, turn around, lean back, and drop it down just right?’ The answer hit me like, well, it hit me like someone doing the dance wrong.”

Many wedding guests seem relieved that the song has caught on.

“Just try to keep me off the dance floor when the beat to ‘So-Cal Shimmy’ drops,” said Julian Hill while enjoying his 12th glass of wine. “I work a pretty stressful job in a boring office building. I can really only let loose at holidays and when people get married, so it’s nice that the song walks you through exactly what to do in exactly what order. I’ve got a reputation for being this kind of crazy guy who really goes hard, you wouldn’t believe how good I am at following instructions.”

However, not everyone agrees about the enjoyability of these songs.

“It’s these sorts of songs that make me wish I went to dental school,” said a wedding DJ, whose business card identifies him as Max Vibes. “The longer the night goes on, the more of them I’m forced to play because some guy with a crew cut flashes a badge at me and says his wife really wants to dance. You ever seen a big group of drunk old people try to do the Electric Slide? It looks like an earthquake in a retirement home, just an absolute free-for-all of baby boomers who all think they’re going in the right direction. It’s the opposite of artistic expression, and we should all be sad that we live in a world where it exists.”

At press time, Doctor Dap The Master Of Rap was staring at a blank document titled “So-Cal Shimmy, Again”

Aspiring Venue Security Guard Practices Crossing Arms in Bedroom for Hours

Posted on November 19, 2021 by Bobby Korec

HUMPTULIPS, Wash. — Local “rise and grinder” Jake Munchen is reportedly trying to break into the venue security career field by practicing crossing his arms for hours at a time in his bedroom, sources who warned that his arms might get stuck that way if he does it too long confirmed.

“One day I’ll be known as the Hendrix of venue security,” said Munchen before wiping down the sweat on his bedroom mirror after another successful afternoon of hard arm-crossing work. “I’ve been independently studying the security arts for months, and I’ve learned that professional guards are never seen with noodly limp arms. That’s why I’ve also been working out my arms exclusively while neglecting all other muscle groups. How else are you supposed to intimidate fans at emo and indie shows who look otherwise incapable of physical confrontation? Through bulging locked forearms and a ‘don’t you test me motherfucker’ look in your eye, of course.”

Venue management are well-aware of what it takes to make it in this cutthroat business.

“Event security requires mastery of a variety of tough guy skills,” said Delia Turneke, owner and operator of Neumos Music Hall. “You also have to be able to be on your feet for up to an hour at a time and possess the innate ability to look genuinely uninterested in music in general. And most importantly, you need to be proficient at Excel. After all, this is a job so you need to know meaningless shit like that.”

Job placement specialists often warn clients of employers’ excessive expectations for their potential employees.

“With any job, you need to hone a specific set of skills in hopes to get hired. Either that or just lie a whole bunch on your resume. Whichever does the trick,” said career advisor Natalie Woodrow. “Employers are literal gatekeepers who ask potential employees to go through hoops in order to get hired. That’s why unpaid internships are still a thing. You have to be willing to be exploited for your labor and work for absolutely nothing to prove your loyalty to a corporation. It’s a bizarre power thing that employers get off on and it’s still somehow legal.”

At press time, Munchen had several tribal tattoos inked onto his arms in hopes to be more attractive to potential employers and score at least an entry-level venue bouncer position somewhere.

If This Combination KFC/Taco Bell Can Make It Work, so Can We

Posted on November 19, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

Baby, it doesn’t have to be this way. I know we’ve had problems. We’ve fought. Hell, we’ve made each other sick with indigestion. But we’ve always found our way back to each other because our love means something. After all, if this combination KFC/Taco Bell we’re sitting in can make it work, we can too.

Please don’t cry. Hang on, let me get some napkins.

From the beginning of our romance, people told us it was wrong. They told us we could never be together. That our kinds should never mix. We are like Romeo and Juliet. Like Tony and Maria. Like this KFC/Taco Bell. We are star-crossed lovers whose only crime is to love in a way the world does not understand. But we don’t have to end in tragedy. I know we can overcome any obstacle, as long as we do it together. Do you need another chalupa, babe? More gravy?

You say we make no sense together. But look around! This place makes no sense either! Tacos Locos Supreme served in the same building as a 3-Piece Chicken Box? No one could possibly expect that to work either. But look at that front counter. The opposing colors of KFC’s red and white contrasted against the Live Más branding of Taco Bell, split in two, yet unified in the desire to serve delicious, cost-effective food. The only thing more pure is our love. A love that we cannot let die. Not just for us, but for love itself. Oh, babe, try not to touch your eyes if you’re gonna use the Diablo sauce.

We can be like this combination KFC/Taco Bell. We can go the distance. We can share a home just like this KFC and Taco Bell share a single building, even if it does look crazy weird. We can blend our menus. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Okay, let’s just stick with love. We can love. And if things ever get stale we can just bring in a third like they did with Pizza Hut. Another slice?

Metallica’s Masterclass Just Four Hours of How to Sue Small Businesses and Teenagers

Posted on November 19, 2021 by Ben Friedman

SAN FRANCISCO — The new Metallica Masterclass program where they teach viewers how to be a band is being called confusing and misleading by subscribers who say it’s just hours of tips on how to sue small businesses and 17-year-olds over frivolous copyright violations.

“We were pretty excited when Masterclass approached us about teaching new bands to find lasting success. We focused primarily on the core concept, which is that suing any and every teenager or small business is the best way to create lasting bonds as musicians that want to hoard money,” said James Hetfield from one of his eight yachts. “After watching our class, we’re confident the next generation of metal bands will know how to find the right lawyers to financially ruin anyone that tries to infringe on their intellectual property, whether it be deliberate or accidental. We don’t fucking care, the money is still gonna be green.”

Subscribers of the class were not sure what to make of what they watched, as most thought music would be at the forefront.

“I figured, it being advertised about how to be in a fucking band, that I’d learn anything tangibly related to music or art or building connections. What I spent my afternoon doing instead was watching Lars Ulrich read the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act of 1970 in its entirety,” said Kellen Jones. “There is a solid hour where they all take turns hitting a punching bag that has a cardboard cut out of the Napster guy taped to it. I just wanted to learn some tactics to get through a creative slump. They took my $15 and I learned nothing, so if anyone here is a criminal it’s them.”

Editors at Masterclass even admitted they were taken aback by how little Metallica spoke about the creative process.

“We were excited about bringing in fellow San Franciscans to teach those skills as a collective unit. It ended up being more of a challenge than we expected, because those guys spent most of their time recounting how fun it was to bankrupt record stores selling bootleg versions of their albums,” said class curator Devin Brown. “Basically what you see in the trailer is exactly how much music-related content we received. We were going to scrap the whole damn thing until, to no one’s surprise, they threatened to sue us.”

After seeing the backlash, Metallica quickly released a follow-up course explaining how to completely mix the bass out of every song.

3 Types of Depression and Why They’re Choosing to Target You, Specifically

Posted on November 18, 2021 by Eric Navarro

Depression is a real buzzkill. Or a buzz inducer if you self-medicate with alcohol like I recently had to stop doing. Constantly bottoming out aside, depression doesn’t just have to come from your fucked up environment. It can also come from your fucked up brain chemistry! So we’re gonna help you treat it. Just kidding! Like we’ve figured that out. However, we can help you come to terms with your helpless and hopeless condition. And a big part of accepting your depression is finding the cause. So, what exactly did you do to make each of these types of depression target you, specifically?

Seasonal Affective Disorder
– For some, constant dreary skies, a drop in air pressure, and blistering cold winds zap the energy right out of you, leaving you struggling to get out of bed. You may even feel like your body weighs twice as much from the stress let alone the comfort eating.

Sure, you didn’t cause the seasons to change but you also didn’t live up to your parents’ expectations so you’re gonna have to at least take fifty percent of the blame on this one.

Major Depressive Disorder
Ah, the golden standard of depression. Well, more like the murky gray, listless standard. MDD can be caused by a combination of environment, attachment style and upbringing, and brain chemistry. But for you, it’s because you simply don’t want to be happy enough. Try harder.

Bipolar Disorder
The ol’ upsie/downie, as it’s often referred to in psychiatric circles. Bipolar can be identified by periods of intense delusional highs as if the person was at a week-long cocaine festival that was sponsored by schizophrenia. This is followed by weeks to months of extreme lows. Bipolar is often confused with borderline personality disorder, which has the same highs and lows but occurs within minutes of one another. It’s important to note that bipolar disorder is not your fault. It’s equally important to note that no one knows what you’re going through and they will never understand, which is your fault because you didn’t explain it well enough.

Retail Worker Just Going to Give it Three or Four More Shifts Before He Snaps

Posted on November 18, 2021 by Ben Friedman

OMAHA, Neb. — A longtime Walmart employee revealed that he is giving himself at least three or four more shifts until he finally snaps and has a violent, psychotic breakdown, coworkers have reported.

“For six years I’ve been plugging away without complaining or asking for any extra days off. And you know what I get in return? I’ve been personally blamed for the national supply chain crisis, told to clean up excrement of both human and animal, and on dozens of occasions been the only cashier on duty. I figured that I owe it to myself to give it just a few more days before I calmly walk through the doors and burn this motherfucker down,” said Francis Kelly. “Every second I’m here is a waking nightmare where every sense I have is being punished by indifferent corporate overlords and entitled boomers, so I think I’ve earned the right to beat someone within an inch of their life with a bag of onions.”

Store management noticed a change in Kelly’s demeanor, though they were unaware that his mind was on the verge of imploding.

“Frankie has been one of our best employees, and honestly, I’m impressed he’s been with us for so long. Most everyone else just either stops showing up with no notice, doesn’t come back from lunch one day, or walks out the door in an expletive-riddled rant, but he’s been sticking it out even after I only gave him a $1.20 an hour raise in the last four years,” said manager Colleen Jennings. “But the other day I saw him just staring at the wall and mumbling to himself in the stock room for like 15 minutes straight. And lately, whenever I’ve called him to back up at the registers he tells me ‘everyone is going to pay one way or another.’ I’m not sure whether I should write him up or contact the ATF tip hotline.”

The American Psychological Association has been tracking behaviors in retail workers for the past 18 months, and noted that Kelly’s behavior is more commonplace than most people realize.

“The pandemic has obviously put a strain on nearly every facet of our existence. But the hospitality industry, particularly retail workers, have gotten the shaft particularly hard. In Mr. Kelly’s instance, a neverending assault on his dignity coupled with hours of strenuous labor with little to show for it has forced him to consider violence in lieu of a vacation,” said APA rep Ashley Elizabeth. “Whether or not he’ll act upon his animal instinct to lash out is yet to be seen, but if I were his manager I’d start locking up anything sharp.”

As of press time, Kelly announced that he is moving his meltdown up to later this afternoon after the fourth customer today remarked that the item not ringing up correctly at his register must be free.

Opinion: Historically Speaking Thanksgiving Is Way Scarier Than Halloween

Posted on November 18, 2021 by Kevin Tit

Halloween is fucking poser shit and it’s about time somebody said it. We go around acting like it’s the scariest day of the year when in all honesty the origin story behind it is just about as scary as Machine Gun Kelly’s music is punk. It’s not. At all. Not even a little bit. Historically speaking, Thanksgiving has a darker and much more sinister past than all of “spooktober” combined.

Halloween originated with the ancient Celtic festival ‘Samhain’, where people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off ghosts. I mean sure, ghosts and costumes are good spooky fun but you know what’s truly scary? Genocide.

We’re taught this story of Thanksgiving about how the Native Americans and the Pilgrims got along in perfect harmony over a nice dinner, a complete bullshit narrative more contrived than the plot of Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers.

Nobody ever talks about the fact that thousands of English colonists settling in Plymouth brought enough disease with them to wipe out 90% of the Indigenous peoples of New England by the early 1600’s. Think about that. That’s almost everybody, without even trying! And then, after that, they started trying!

Being wiped out by something you can’t even see is way scarier than Jason and Freddy any day. It’s a horrendously terrifying part of this country’s history and we, traditionally, downplay all of that with Turkey, Cornucopia and Pumpkin Pie like everything is hunky-dory.

Halloween can’t compete with an atrocity like that. I promise you, if Halloween was rebranded as the day when the son of a Wampanoag Chief was dismembered by English Colonizers who later impaled his decapitated head on a spike that was left on public display for 25 years, it’d make the day much more sinister.

Fact of the matter is, that’s a brutal historical fact tied to Thanksgiving, a day that deserves to finally be recognized for what it is. One of the scariest and most heinous days of remembrance in the history of these United States.

Punk Missing Time He Could Get All His Friends Sick With No Backlash

Posted on November 18, 2021 by Sarah Cassell

SEATTLE — Local punk Brock Riley admits that he yearns for days when he could spread every illness under the sun to his friends without having to worry about any backlash, confirmed sources who are still feeling the effects of COVID they contracted from him.

“Yeah I just miss the times where I didn’t have to care what illnesses my friends got from me. Like yeah I was carrying around Hep B for four years. Did I tell anyone? No. In retrospect should I have? Also, no,” Riley explained, while his mask dropped below his nose and he sneezed into a passing bus window. “It’s getting ridiculous. Honestly, it’s just so stressful for me worrying that everyone will label me a ‘superspreader’ and a ‘bad guy’ every time I show up unvaccinated to my friend’s house show. I just miss the days when we’d all get sick together, and then all drink four or five bottles of Robitussin. We would wake up three days later and feel fine.”

Riley’s housemate Jane Kelkin explained that, actually, people have been telling Riley to quarantine when he’s sick for years.

“I mean yeah Brock got Swine Flu in 2014. Who still had Swine Flu in 2014? No one. That’s who. But then he got us all sick. So no, nothing has changed with him during COVID,” Kelkin explained. “But it’s not just airborne illnesses, Brock has been spreading other things forever. Like, last year he got lice and gave them to our whole house. Then, we all got rid of our lice, but he still had it and we all got it again. Then we had a rat infestation, and I can’t be certain it was his fault, but he’s the only person I know that brags about having toxoplasmosis.”

Dr. Anna Kapsli, a microbiologist specializing in DIY communities, commented how spreading disease has actually been a punk cornerstone for a long time.

“Superspreaders have always traditionally been punks. This goes back to the first original punk, Typhoid Mary who refused to let the government interfere in her life, and continues today in punks like Mr. Riley,” Dr. Kapsli commented, “Modern punks are getting better and better at spreading. Typhoid Mary spreading to 53 people? That’s amateur compared to the 112 people Mr. Riley spread bronchitis to at a canned food drive last year.”

At press time Riley was found snorting lines of EmergenC and asking why it’s “suddenly uncool to kill all your friends?”

Review: Tom Morello “The Atlas Underground Fire”

Posted on November 17, 2021 by Tim Sheard

There was a time before social media when art was expected to have substance, and music could be a vehicle for real change. Rage Against The Machine used their platform to educate the young people about the trappings of capitalism, and to raise awareness of freedom fighters and injustices all around the world. Now RATM guitarist Tom Morello is bringing back the notion that music can make a difference.

Sort of. Maybe? I mean okay yeah overall “The Atlas Underground Fire” plays like a joyless pop-y cash-grab but like, that’s… the point? Or something?

The album’s instrumental opening track “Harlem Hellfighter” is an instant gut-punch that makes one thing perfectly clear: The white patriarchal system of American capitalism is over OR an MMA fight is being promoted somewhere, one of the two.

I mean I can totally see this as the soundtrack to people rising up against the elites who run this country and tearing the whole system down literally and figuratively. I can also see it being the soundtrack to black and white footage of a tatted up dude lacing his shoes in a locker room talking about how hungry he is, so weigh it against that.

Morello brings in Eddie Vedder and Bruce Springsteen for his cover of AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell,” resulting in something of a miracle. Only Morello could cover an AC/DC song with the boss and the guy from Pearl Jam and make you think “wow, that guitar playing is really reachy and exaggerated.

Morello does in fact have collaborators on every track, like Bring Me The Horizon who join Tom on perhaps the album’s most politically charged song “Let’s Get The Party Started.” I mean, you know, emphasis on “perhaps” because it may be less about a political revolution and more about an actual party. Either way, it fills you with a definite sense of “Me and my white friends are going to take down institutional racism one keg stand at a time.”

This is an album orchestrated by a man with convictions, or possibly a super-advanced algorithmic computer that’s heard “Evil Empire” and scrolls Instagram.

Score: 4.5 out of 5 Capitalist War Pigs Hung For Their Crimes

/**/

19th Century Time Travelers Disappointed In Modern Cocaine Availability

Posted on November 17, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

MIAMI — A small group of 19th Century time travelers is reportedly very disappointed with the lack of readily available cocaine in modern times, according to sources.

“Since breaching the gulfs of time I have explored many eras,” said Dr. Wilfred A. Henningsworth while aimlessly browsing the shelves of a Walgreen’s. “The primordial domains of the dinosaurs, the far future of nuclear-blasted cities of man in ruins after Interworld War III. Frankly, it’s quite exhausting, and since arriving in this 21st century, I thought I would settle down with a nice cocaine-infused muscle tonic to relieve myself. But no chemist could supply me with my preferred Ayer’s Coca Pectoral or even that knock-off brand, Agar’s Family Cocaine. What the devil?”

The pharmacist on duty, Jordan Alvarez, was watching Dr. Henningsworth and his peers, Dr. Brinley Patch and Dr. Aldrich McGillicuddy, carefully as the group browsed the store.

“I’m used to a lot of weird shit on the night shift,” said Alvarez. “But that guy with the fluffy mustache and peacock-embroidered waistcoat came in, said ‘good day, gentle apothecary!’ and tried to hit me up for blow. Like, dude, this isn’t 11 p.m. on a Saturday and we’re not at TH13een. You can’t just get rails, like, at Walgreen’s. You need a guy, and that guy is not me. All I have is legally obtainable narcotics, available by prescription from basically any doctor.”

Carmen Gonzalez De Leon, a professor of History at the University of Miami, was surprised at the existence of time travel, but not at this specific issue.

“Poor fools,” Dr. Gonzalez De Leon said. “It must be a huge shock to Victorian gentleman scientists to not have ready access to cocaine, laudanum, chlorodyne, or even your basic camphorated tincture of opium. These were more basic elements to daily life in their time than pasteurized milk or voting rights. This must seem like the darkest of timelines for them.”

As of press time, Dr. Henningsworth was busily taking his time machine apart after being introduced to crystal meth.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News