6-Hour Facebook Outage Leads to Stunning Increase in Vaccinations

Posted on by Contributor

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Facebook services suffered the longest outage in over a year, leading directly to a massive wave of Americans finally getting vaccinated for COVID-19, overwhelmed medical sources confirmed.

“Around 9:15 a.m. we started to see a lot of people in their mid-50s just aimlessly wandering the streets and a lot of them made their way to a mobile vaccination site that had been a ghost town for the past two months,” said Anita Rivea, a Newport Beach nurse. “These are the same people that were walking by our tent just yesterday calling us ‘communists’ and threatening to murder our pets. But without Facebook they were in a haze, they had lost the ability to copy and paste bogus news articles and were basically helpless. Some of them were mumbling ‘do your own research’ after the shot, but for the most part, they just sat there trying not to drool on themselves.”

Glenn Barnett is one of the many avid Facebook users that finally received his first round of vaccinations.

“Today has been sort of a blur. I woke up, logged on, made a couple of threatening comments on an article about Anthony Fauci, and then I was just about to make a post about how being ‘gender non-binary’ doesn’t make sense to me and my screen went blank,” said Barnett. “I called Facebook, nobody picked up. So then I called Lenovo customer service and started screaming at them that they sold me a piece of shit computer and the lady told me Facebook was having an outage. At that point, the room started spinning. I couldn’t remember if Biden had stolen the election or if Trump had simply stepped down. After about an hour of silence, my brain started to focus again and I drove downtown and got the vaccine.”

The sudden uptick in vaccinations caught the attention of the Biden administration, which immediately attempted to take credit for the surge.

“Our messaging has been firm and it has been spot on since day one,” said White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki. “There have been many disinformation campaigns on social media, and this increase in vaccinations shows that if there is nothing to distract the average American they will begrudgingly make the right choice as they meander out of their echo chambers and snap back into reality.”

The outage, which also disrupted popular photo-sharing app Instagram, caused teen girls across the country to have a positive outlook on life for the first time in years.

Workplace Hero Unmutes Microphone to Laugh

Posted on by Rachel Steele

PHILADELPHIA — Office hero Tom Rafferty was kind enough to unmute his microphone during the company’s team meeting so he could be heard laughing at the occasional joke, grateful sources confirmed.

“This might be the best meeting we’ve held all quarter,” said team lead Hilary Gershwin. “Working from home has started to slow down production, and I hoped our weekly Zoom meetings would keep us all on board. But man, something about today made it feel more like a chill hangout sesh rather than a work meeting. I couldn’t tell you what exactly did it, but it might be that hero newbie who seemed to pepper in a little laughter at all the right moments, but was otherwise completely silent. He might not have had much to contribute the rest of the time, but we were all so grateful for that extra boost of morale.”

Team member Jeff Cole explained Rafferty not only laughed at people’s jokes, but any time something ridiculous happened in the meeting.

“I don’t know who this guy is, I think he started last week, but he is already a legend,” said Cole. “At first I thought he was messing around when he specifically unmuted his microphone to laugh after the boss said ‘Good morning boys and girls’ to a room so quiet you could hear a pin drop; but then Anderson’s kid chucked a toy firetruck straight into the camera. Old Tom switched on his mic, laughed for a good 30 seconds, then went straight back on mute, like a machine.”

Rafferty revealed that he actually doesn’t work for the company.

“Apparently my email is real close to some guy named Tim Rafferty. The Zoom invitation was sent to my email instead of his,” Rafferty said. “I was really bored on my day off from delivering for Pizza Hut, so I dug my only button-down shirt out of my bottom drawer and joined the meeting purely just to heckle. Good thing I did, too. Some lady ripped a huge fart at around minute 30, and if I wasn’t there to congratulate her, then I doubt anyone would have.”

At press time, Rafferty was seen unmuting himself to say “loud and clear” after a presenting attendee asked the group if everyone could hear her OK.

Overqualified Woman Pretends To Be Overconfident Man On Job Application

Posted on by Tony Morse

PHILADELPHIA — Determined woman and job applicant Patricia O’Malley is creatively pursuing work that she’s technically overqualified to do by acting like a man who’s overconfident in his limited skills, sources confirmed.

“Job searching and interviewing isn’t easy, but I figured it out: just cut achievements from my résumé, oversell experience I don’t really have, and convince whoever reads my application that I have a dick,” said O’Malley. “It’s an entry-level position with occasional travel to Dublin. The application asked about the history of religious conflict in Ireland, so I didn’t mention my dissertation on Catholicism and the 1981 Irish hunger strike. I wowed them with this zinger instead: ‘Protestants like Bushmills, Catholics prefer Jameson, but I drink both and U2 rocks!’ All about delivery. This is like guys copying my work in school, only I’m awarded points for things that should actually cost them, and given extra credit for attributes that would otherwise count against me.”

Job placement professionals praised O’Malley’s ingenuity.

“Women will talk themselves out of applying for positions they’d be great for,” explained human resources expert Sally Saelim. “However, impersonating a man can expand career possibilities, because men routinely apply for jobs they don’t know how to do, and are often hired for ones they can’t. It’s an unconventional approach, but it’s simpler than convincing prospective employers that you’ll be okay with male co-workers getting credit for your ideas and that you won’t be pregnant soon or ever.”

Still, competition was fierce.

“I got this,” presumed applicant David White. “I killed that workplace inclusivity question. I talked about how there’s no equivalent of maternity leave for childless men, and said I could develop something for an extra $15,000 per year. They should go for it. Embracing a male perspective could really distinguish this company from other employers.”

According to friends, O’Malley didn’t get the job, but was offered an internship doing the exact same thing for no pay, benefits, or health insurance.

I Am the Chainsaw Wielding Skin-Mask Guy of a Cannibalistic Murder Family. Here’s Why I Voted for Biden

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s the same routine every morning. I wake up, do some light stretches, and check to see that the people I hung up on the meat hooks the night before have finished bleeding out. I make my way downstairs to the dining room where my grandfather has his nose in a newspaper. Without fail, before I can pop the first slice of hearty fat-guy-back bacon into my mouth he asks, “You see what your commie president has done now?”

The fact that I voted for “Sleepy” Joe Biden has remained a constant source of tension since November. He’ll launch into an argument — mostly regurgitated Fox News talking points — and I’ll just sit there hiding silently behind my human skin mask. This is partly because I only communicate through obscene guttural noises, and partly because I know there is no point. Like many cannibalistic patriarchs of his generation, the old man is just set in his ways.

By now, you’ve probably made a lot of assumptions about me and my family; and I’ll be honest, a lot of them are probably right on the money. We’re Texans, through and through. We believe in the 2nd Amendment, we love our BBQ, and we subsist mainly off of the corpses of passersby we sadistically terrorize and murder. One assumption I must take umbrage with, however, is that we are ignorant bootlickers.

I may eat feet, but I’m no bootlicker.

The blind party loyalty that led to Donald Trump’s presidency churns my stomach just as much as my chainsaw-powered murder sprees must churn yours.

Take a step into my walk-in freezer and you will find people of every color, creed, and gender. While I fully condone high-brutality murder and the consumption of human flesh, I have never condoned discrimination, something I cannot say of one Mr. Donald Trump.

To all of the women, minority groups, and members of the LGBTQ community offended by Trump over the years, who I have not murdered, my heart goes out to you.

The turning point for me was when he disrespected soldiers wounded in battle. Soldiers are the backbone of this great nation, and wounded veterans are much easier for me and my clan of flesh-eating maniacs to run down and butcher. Shame on you, Mr. Trump.

Trump’s dismissive attitude towards the covid-19 crisis was deplorable. I am personally in very close contact with a number of strangers every single day, and I can’t support a leader who doesn’t take the pandemic seriously. I’m taking it very seriously, and aside from bathing myself in the blood of anyone within five feet of my sick-ass chain saw and eating their flesh, I am taking every precaution possible.

Joe Biden and I may not agree on key issues, but at least he is a sane and competent man. Besides, my grand-pappy can call him a sleepy communist all he wants, but I remember the day Joe’s campaign bus stopped at our gas station for some BBQ. When Joe called it “the best meat I’ve ever had!” and ordered seconds, Grandpa was grinning ear to ear.

Classic Rock Fan Undergoes Experimental Surgery To Have Girlfriend Permanently Grafted Onto Shoulders

Posted on by James Knapp

BALTIMORE — Surgeons at Johns Hopkins Medical Center recently performed the first successful procedure to physiologically affix classic rock fan Denny Clainsborough’s girlfriend, Jill, atop the aging rocker’s shoulders, sources who need to start doing squats confirmed.

“I’m excited that Jill agreed to this surgery. Now every time we see the Stones live, I won’t have to hoist her up whenever she wants to flash her tits at Keith Richards,” said Clainsborough from the hospital’s recovery ward. “All this new music coming out nowadays totally sucks and is gay. I only wanna hear AC/DC play songs they wrote about how hard their songs rock, and I want my woman sitting on top of me the whole time. Also, I guess we’re gonna have to get an extra long mattress, because we’re now collectively like nine feet tall.”

Dr. Calvin Neumeier gave details on the procedure while cleaning out his desk after being fired for gross medical malpractice as a result of it.

“This was an incredibly delicate surgery and previous attempts at it have all resulted in near immediate divorce,” said Neumeier. “I was able to stabilize the butt-to-neck graft by extending the, as we doctors call it, ‘underpants area,’ to fully engross the boyfriend’s adjoining earlobes.”

“After that, it was a simple matter of figuring out how she would be able to shit and vomit while she was up there,” Neumeier continued. “Fortunately, funnel technology has come a long way these past few years.”

Gene Simmons, bassist for grandpa rock band KISS, expressed displeasure upon hearing news of the procedure.

“I’ve seen eight million boobs in my life. Literally, eight million boobs,” said Simmons, somewhere between Alzheimers and an acid flashback. “At first it was pretty neat, but one more chick on some ogre’s shoulders just doesn’t mean shit to me anymore. Maybe if I get royalties from this somehow I’d care. Actually, can I do that? Hold on, I have to call my accountant.”

At press time, Jill briefly regained consciousness in post op to chug a Busch Light, yell “Wooooo!” and promptly pass back out.

Recovering Alcoholic Ashamed of His Past Jukebox Selections

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local recovering alcoholic Patrick Tolleridge is now expressing deep remorse for his past jukebox selections since getting sober, according to sources.

“When I look back on those days,” Tolleridge said while sipping a club soda. “I’m so ashamed of who I was, what I had become. What I would put on the jukebox at the Jackawolf after eight Adios motherfuckers… you don’t know you’ve hit rock bottom until you come out of a blackout slumped over a jukebox, fumbling to try to put on ‘Friends in Low Places’ for the fifth time in a row. I don’t even know how many times I put on ‘Bela Lugosi’s Dead’ while slurring to complete strangers that it just costs the same to put a nearly 10 minute song on as it does anything else.”

“God, I let so many bartenders down,” Tolleridge said, his eyes misting.

Tolleridge’s longtime friend Mike O’Brien was glad that he had finally gotten help, for both his drinking and jukebox problems.

“It was terrible to see Pat do that to himself,” O’Brien said. “It had gotten really bad, like he would drink himself sick at the bar and sleep in just late enough that liquor stores would be open in time for him to get a bottle of Jim Beam to ‘scare off the shakes.’ And what was just as bad is what he would do to all of us with that damned jukebox. I’ve heard ‘Tubthumping’ so many times because of Pat, it’s lost all meaning to me.”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Martha Carter has seen many cases like Tolleridge’s before.

“I’m very glad that Mr. Tolleridge has decided to confront his issue,” Dr. Carter said. “Addicts will often latch onto a relatively minor issue connected with their substance abuse and project all their guilt onto it in particular, to serve as a kind of scapegoat for the larger problems. Not this guy, though. He absolutely should be massively ashamed of his jukebox choices. Like, who the fuck actually puts on ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’ in a bar? What is this, a strip club in a 90s movie?”

As of press time, Tolleridge had relapsed and was being dragged away from a jukebox after selecting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” at four in the afternoon.

Red Hot Chili Peppers Wear Dress Socks on Dicks for Court Date

Posted on by Camden Brazile

LOS ANGELES — The Red Hot Chili Peppers shocked jurors and courtroom personnel at the California State Court House on Thursday by replacing the famous tube socks sometimes worn over their genitalia with smaller, professional dress socks.

“Courts are so uptight, with ‘your honor’ this and ‘please the court’ that, so we didn’t want to get in any trouble for wearing gym socks. I think it’s a more commanding, dignified look,” Kiedis said of the sartorial choice, which was made out of respect for the judge and his courtroom. “People often regard us as silly, childish, and inappropriate, but when the jury saw our dicks covered in those low-cut Ralph Lauren socks, I think they realized we were definitely taking this seriously. Just think of how distracting it would have been if we wore long, white socks over our dicks. God, that would have been chaos.”

The judge in the Chili Peppers’ civil case, the honorable judge Marshall Weathers, claimed he appreciated the unusual tact and sincerity.

“These boys are known for shouting nonsense words and jumping all around, so I was apprehensive about them in a courtroom. But when I saw they had attired their penises appropriately, I was relieved,” Judge Weather said of the hosiery in question. “Sure, a tube sock would have covered their phalluses better, and maybe not have fallen off so much, but the look is undeniably classy. I’d never let them know this during the case, but under my judge’s robe, I was wearing the same thing.”

President of the Red Hot Chili Peppers Fan Club Emerson Bronson claimed this new look for the band was a letdown to longtime fans.

“The Red Hot Chili Peppers have officially become slaves to The Man,” Bronson said. “It sucks to be the only one to ever say this, but I think the band was better earlier on in their career. What’s next? Are they going to wear clothes to church? Fucking sell outs.”

In a later development, Kiedis and company were summonsed to defend themselves in a newly acquired public nudity trial later that same day.

We Sat Down With Jamiroquai and Struggled Because Their Publicist Said No Hat Questions

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

There’s perhaps no bigger name in mid-1990s, London-based acid-funk-jazz bands than Jamiroquai, which is why we felt lucky to score an interview with the whole band! We sat down with the ‘Quai and prepared to launch into an in-depth, exhaustive discussion of the band, when their publicist asked us to step into another room and told us that under no circumstances were we to ask the band any questions about hats.

Not going to lie, like a good 90% of our questions were about hats, so this one was a struggle. Here’s the best we could do on the spot:

The Hard Times: Oh hey, sorry, just give us a minute. We had a whole list of questions ready, but Staci says we have to come up with something else.
One of the Guys in Jamiroquai, Probably the Lead Singer: No worries, mate. Staci takes good care of us, but we’re real chill. Take your time.

So…what’s up, guys how’s it going?
It’s alright.

Okay, so you’re not going to give us a lot to work off of. That’s fine, that’s cool. We’re professionals. How about…20 Questions? Who can guess what we’re looking at right now?
You’re clearly looking at Paul [Turner, longtime bassist].

Damn, we thought that would eat up a bit more time. Wait, we just remembered something. Here’s a good one, in the “Virtual Insanity” music video, were you actually moving all freaky like that or was it special effects?
Mate, that was all special effects. Michel [Gondry, filmmaker and music video director] did everything. Wasn’t even really singing, all lip-sync.

Michel Gondry! Oh he’s super interesting, let’s talk about him for a while! Any crazy stories from working with that dude?
No, not really. He was nice.

Okay. Hmm. This is going to sound dumb, but is Jamiroquai like the main guy or all of you? Sorry, sorry. That was just filler.
You’re a card, mate. Funny stuff!

Oh, I remember something we can talk about! One of your songs was in the movie Napoleon Dynamite, right?
Really? Which one?

Fuck. Never mind let’s just uhm, I don’t know… if you had one wish what would it be?
World peace.

Yeah, cool. Kind of a canned answer though, no?
Yeah, got a million of em. We’re really good at interviews.

How is everyone feeling comfort-wise? Is everyone’s head warm enough?
What makes you ask that?

Okay, we know we’re not supposed to, but, dude…what’s with the hats?
STACI!

At that point the floor started moving beneath us, carrying us toward the exit as the one guy who was wearing a giant fuzzy hat the entire time was screaming at everyone. Pretty scary stuff.

Name of Hometown Tattooed on Punk Who Hasn’t Been There in 15 Years

Posted on by Danny Taverner

SAN FRANCISCO — Big-city punk Oliver Lewis recently got the name of his hometown, “Kingston,” tattooed across his stomach despite not visiting the Massachusetts town he spent his childhood in for over a decade, multiple friends with similar tattoos confirmed.

“I’d be nothing without that place. Kingston runs through my blood,” reported Lewis, whose family still lives in the same house he grew up in. “Going to shows at the VFW hall, skipping class to go skate the loading docks at Stop and Shop, getting kicked out of the McDonald’s on Route 53… Kingston is unlike any town in the world. This tattoo is a tribute to the place that made me the person I am today. Kingston runs through my blood and now it’s permanently etched onto my body. Once flights back home are a bit cheaper and this whole pandemic thing is done, I’ll definitely go back to my old stomping grounds.”

Martin Lane, Lewis’ childhood friend who still resides in Kingston, hasn’t seen the now-San Francisco-based punk since they graduated high school.

“We follow each on Instagram, so I saw the tattoo. I’m surprised he didn’t get it done here in town. I know a guy who could give you a sleeve for $80 that works out behind the Cumberland Farms,” said Lane. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of him for making it out of Kingston, but I’d love it if he actually came back to visit every once in a while. I don’t even care that he owes me $50, I just want to see my friend. And I think it would be really cool to show him how much the mall has changed and how many places we used to eat at have gone out of business.”

The Kingston Board of Selectmen have offered specific perks to Lewis in hopes of drawing him back to town.

“We’d love it if he came back for the annual carnival. We would make sure he gets all the fried dough and stuffed animals a boy could want,” said Selectmen Jessica Kramer. “But we are starting to come to terms with the fact that nothing will bring him back. We even made his grandmother Betty the master of ceremonies this year, but he hasn’t sent back his RSVP. My biggest wish is to see him back in Kingston before my term is over in a year and a half. At the very least, he could write back to the kids who idolize him so much.”

Lewis plans on continuing the hometown motif by getting the Kingston Commuter Rail schedule tattooed on his back.

10 Super-Cute Life Hacks For Fall

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

Fall is in the air and it’s time to bring the seasonal flair! Try these ten genius life hacks to up your autumn game this year.

Upcycle a Jack-o-Lantern into a Mask for Your Annual Thanksgiving Family Bank Robbery

Be good to the environment and give the kids a second Halloween at the same time.

Print Counterfeit Money on Paper Made from Mulched Leaves

Making your own paper is almost as fun as making your own rules! Autumn leaves are especially good for printing international money.

Steal the Crown Jewels of Denmark

The crown jewels of Denmark make the perfect shiny accent for any festive centerpiece. Simply nestle the jewels amongst a tasteful arrangement of fall foliage and small gourds.

Knit Your Own Getaway Car

After the family bank robbery, you need to get back to your safehouse in time to baste the turkey. A knitted car is perfect for its lightweight design and ability to blend into the crowd during sweater weather season.

Hide Evidence in an Infinity Scarf

They’re big, bunchy, and can be worn a thousand ways! Including as a discreet pouch for your weapons, contraband, and trace DNA!

Ply an Elected Official with Mulled Wine

Get them to confess to their part in a major scandal, then blackmail them for the rest of their career. We recommend a burgundy with clove and cinnamon for liberals and a nutmeg chardonnay for conservatives.

Execute a Hostile Takeover of the Offices of a Major Corporation

Once the place is yours, host a pop-up craft sale and spiced cider cafe. Cubicles make great vendor stalls and the employees will be secretly grateful to you for saving them from the nine to five slog.

Smuggle Drugs in a Shipment of Instant Pumpkin Spice Latte Powder

It’s basically drugs already, am I right?

Launder Money Through an Apple Pie Stand at the Local Fair

Nothing says “fall has arrived” like an old fashioned apple pie. And nothing says “legitimate business” like an old fashioned apple pie stand. Cash only, please!

Go into Hiding with a Whole New Identity Created by Mixing and Matching the Hottest Fall Fashion Trends

After you fake your own death, you gotta make a new life for yourself asap. Try pairing an oversized crocheted sweater with a bronze highlight wig. So fun! So inconspicuous!