HOMEWOOD, Ill. — First responders are attempting to reach a group of fathers that became stuck when a local man-cave weakened and toppled around them during an NFL game Sunday afternoon, concerned neighbors report as the rescue operation entered its third day.
“It appears that the man-cave was located in the garage of Darrin Gray. The collapse seems to be caused by use of shotty materials, amateur know-how, and an abundance of cheesy sports memorabilia strapped to the walls. We believe the inciting incident happened during one particularly intense play by the Chicago Bears, the men’s celebrations caused the homemade tiki-bar, which was also used as a load-bearing post, to give way and the whole structure collapsed in on itself,” Homewood Fire Department Battalion Chief Rogelio Jones explained. “The men appear to be in good spirits with at least three days worth of finger foods and beer. Luckily the cable TV was not knocked out in the devastation or they may have panicked.”
The loved ones of the men have held a vigil near the basement window twenty-four hours a day since the cave-in occurred.
“To be honest, once the weekend is here Darrin doesn’t come out of the garage for anything. He usually stumbles out of there on Monday morning in a slight panic, but in good spirits,” Darrin’s wife Vicki Gray explained. “And it isn’t unusual to hear loud banging and breaking coming from out there, especially around Wrestlemania. But the signs on the basement door say, ‘No Wives Allowed’ and ‘What Happens In The Man Cave Stays In The Man Cave’ and I abide by those rules.
Engineers have been trying to get the word out about the dangers of man-caves for years.
“We call them the Widowmakers, literally. As funny as it is to say duct tape can do anything, it can’t hold up a 70 inch LCD TV to drywall that isn’t attached to any studs,” said structural engineer Sabrina Elliott. “A bunch of pool cues should not be used to suspend a ceiling. I understand that you want to brag about how you did it yourself, but please hire a professional and then lie to your friends.”
As of press time, rescuers were able to bore a hole into the rubble wide enough for the men to escape through but were waved off until the Thursday Night Football was over.