Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Grandma’s Vinyl Collection Kinda Makes Her Look like a Poser

Posted on November 15, 2021 by Rockie Wenrich

CHICAGO — Local young couple Brandon Brentwood and Jade Long discovered that Long’s grandmother is just trying way too hard after going through her vinyl collection.

“We were going through her records, and I’m just like, fucking Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumors?’ ‘The White Album?’ Who is she trying to impress?” said Long. “Like, we get it, you listen to oldies but come on, dude. I used to really respect her back when she would, like, make banana muffins for me and taught me how to crochet and shit, but now I’m just like, you’re a poser, dude.”

The grandmother, Ethel Briggs, was reportedly confused and disheartened about the events.

“Well, since the happy couple is moving into their own apartment soon and my granddaughter and her boyfriend seem to really enjoy records, I thought it’d be fun to take them through my collection of albums from back in my heyday. I mean, who doesn’t love ABBA’s ‘Gold’ album, right? Back from my days of disco,” said Briggs, brushing the dust off of a first press edition Crosby, Stills and Nash record. “They didn’t seem to want any of them, though. They mostly just stared at me and scoffed, and a couple of times they were filming the records on their phones and giggling. I’m not really sure what it was all about, but it looked like they had some fun.”

Boyfriend and self-proclaimed vinyl “expert” Briggs has hope for the matriarch, despite her “cringe Zeppelin phase.”

“I mean, she’s just a total beginner. She’ll for sure get more interesting music as she gets more into collecting, but for right now, she’s just got the basics. Give her a couple more years,” said Brentwood. “I mean, when I first started I was out here listening to ‘Abbey Road’ too. Now I’ve got the score of the 1984 American sports film ‘The Natural,’ which just signifies a little more finesse. She’ll get there one day. At least she doesn’t have a suitcase Crosley.”

Long has stated that she will be giving her grandmother a call when she stops getting all her records from Urban Outfitters.

Review: Dead Kennedys “Frankenchrist”

Posted on November 14, 2021 by Kevin Tit

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we look back on the 1985 album that landed the Dead Kennedys in a courtroom defending themselves against an obscenity charge, “Frankenchrist.”

In a post-Trump America where our Democracy can once again fall apart in silence without liberals caring enough to make a huge stink about it, I’ve been taking the time to revisit albums that remind me of the dark underbelly that continues to thrive at the core of this country. Music that reminds us of people like the random guy I saw rocking a ‘The ‘South Will Rise Again’ hat at a Sheetz near Roanoke, VA who unapologetically sneezed in his hands before touching all the different soda lids.

“Frankenchrist” is a classic punk rock album that does an excellent job of detailing the state of mainstream America back in the thick of the 80s through excellent songwriting and production. A state not much different than that of today with songs like “This Could Be Anywhere” detailing common themes from the middle of the country that most of us might recognize. Such as the friend whose dad worships the police yet stockpiles a criminal amount of weapons just in case they ever come for him. I mean, if you’ve never had your friend’s dad pull out at least six guns to show you every time you came over then do you even live in America?

I’m not even joking. This guy would pull out some of the craziest stuff I’ve ever seen. Double barrel handguns, automatic rifles, multiple grenade launchers, you name it. His basement looked like a military bunker and he was not shy about showing it off. This one time, during my buddy’s 15th birthday party his dad showed up wasted and thought it’d be funny to shoot the flames off the candles. It was pretty terrifying and he actually ended up accidentally shooting the family dog. The only reason he wasn’t arrested was because his best friend was the sheriff.

I don’t really keep up with that friend too much these days but I did see a photo of his dad on a recent FBI wanted poster for his involvement in the January 6th Insurrection. Some things just never change and “Frankenchrist,” an album released almost thirty years ago, is a stark reminder of that truth.

SCORE: All in all, the art rules and the songs kick major ass. I’m going to give this record a full six out of six rounds in the chamber.

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Tesla Robotics Team Instructed to Develop Replacement for Grimes

Posted on November 14, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Scientists for Tesla’s robotics team have reported that recent requests from senior management indicate that they are more than likely being instructed to build a new girlfriend for CEO Elon Musk.

“Out of nowhere, top brass drops this memo on us saying we’re supposed to stop everything and work on something they’re calling the Cybernetic Living Artificial Intelligence Robotic Eros project, or C.L.A.I.R.E for short,” noted confused scientist Bryan Henderson. “Plus, we’re getting all these questions and requests for updates from Elon himself, like: ‘can it have a French-Canadian accent?’ or ‘can we give the voice a lisp?’ I didn’t think much of it until he asked about its ability to play synth-pop. By that point, I started to put two and two together.”

Officials for Tesla have dismissed the rumors of Musk using his company to build a replacement for Grimes as ‘the woke media picking on a successful and outspoken CEO’ again.”

“Is this a serious question? Just take a look at Mr. Musk and ask me again if he needs to build his own girlfriend,” a spokesperson for Tesla remarked. “Perhaps there might be some similarities between Ms. Boucher and Project CLAIRE, but I assure you those are merely coincidental. Even if they weren’t, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s building a sex robot! That’s just ridiculous, ok? Maybe he just found Grimes to be interesting and thought everyone else would too. Elon Musk can have any entity he wants! Understand?”

Financial analysts and other observers have been at a loss for how the latest development from the sometimes controversial company will affect its long-term financial standing.

“Tesla stock has been known to move based on Musk’s actions and tweets, but with this, we’re just in completely uncharted territory,” said Wired’s Jason Higgins. “I guess if anyone had the means and mentality to build themselves a robotic partner it would be him, so this kind of tracks. But at the same time, potential investors might be put off by what’s essentially nothing more than a high-tech blow-up doll. So, I guess what I’m saying is I have no fucking idea what exactly is happening here.”

Higgins closed by stating that in the worst-case scenario, Musk could “probably just sell the robot to Kayne West or something.”

Confused Groupie Sleeps with Dead Sound Guy

Posted on November 14, 2021 by Natalie Vinh

SEATTLE — Local amateur groupie Sarah Pepper is reportedly horrified after accidentally sleeping with the deceased body lying behind a local bar’s PA system.

“I thought he was a part of the band,” confessed a very upset Pepper. “He was hanging out next to all the sound equipment, at the very least I was certain he had some connection to them! I mean, we were flirting all night — anytime I started to talk he would just look kind of in my direction and not say anything. Did I miss some signals there or something? He acted like every guy in a band I’ve ever met in my life, how was I supposed to know he was dead?”

The body has since been identified as 37-year-old Ben Lockhard, who was in fact a sound engineer before his untimely passing.

“He would’ve loved this,” said Will Stem, a close friend of the late Lockhard. “To know he got railed by a hot chick who thought he was part of the band? Fuckin’ incredible. This is almost better than the time that new bartender accidentally brought him a free pizza because she thought he was the owner. It ended up being that he was just 20 years older than everyone else in there that night, but a pizza’s a pizza. What a fucking legend.”

Jim Danes, the owner of the bar Lockhard’s body was discovered in, appeared confused when asked about the situation.

“There’s a body in here? Where?” Danes asked. “No fuckin’ way. If there was a dead body in here, I’m sure I would’ve seen it. I run a tight ship around here. And that pile of pigeons in the upstairs corner doesn’t count, anyone could have missed those. But no, I haven’t seen Ben in a couple of days. Why do you ask?”

At press time, Pepper had since moved on to attempt to seduce a merch guy for a free T-shirt, who was revealed to be a scarecrow leftover from a recent Halloween party.

Heartbreaking: This Kid’s Hero Is His Dad

Posted on November 14, 2021 by Constantine Platanias

When 10-year-old Jackson Tolbert’s teacher told her students to write an essay about their “hero,” she expected most of them would choose athletes, action heroes, and Instagram influencers, all successful figures in their own right. That’s what made it so heartbreaking when Jackson wrote his essay about his dad.

Talk about lame! Apparently, this 11-year-old boy didn’t get the memo about smashing the patriarchy, especially when the patriarchy is a dude in his 40s with three roommates!

Mrs. Schwartz reacted to the choice with nothing short of disgust. “It’s horrible. This poor child could have chosen anyone, and he chooses his dad who he only sees on weekends? Seriously, a hero? He’s 5’6.”

“The worst part is that the other children have been mercilessly making fun of Jackson, and I can’t interfere because they are 100% legit right.”

Jackson’s teacher isn’t the only one broken up over the child’s tragic choice in hero. His mother, Julie Newman, was devastated upon reading her son’s essay.

“This can’t be right. His dad? For God’s sake, he’s a 45-year-old man who’s taking acoustic guitar lessons! Why couldn’t he have just chosen Batman or Goku or the fucking Marlboro Man? Anyone other than that mediocre little shit!”

Jackson, bless his little heart, couldn’t understand what makes his dad such a pathetic hero.

“We have so much fun whenever I stay over at his apartment,” said the naïve 5th grader, too young to understand just how much of a loser his father is. “He makes the best chicken nuggets, he can almost play an F chord and when he gets sleep from too much grown-up juice I get to watch whatever I want on TV! I can’t wait to hang out with him again!”

Thankfully, this sad story has a happy ending. When Jackson’s mom showed Jackson’s essay to the judge, he revoked his father’s visitation rights and even ordered him to perform 100 hours of community service. You go, judge!

Punk Makes Surprisingly Good Case for PT Cruiser as Counter-Culture

Posted on November 14, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

EUGENE, Ore. — Local punk Randy “Dirty Randy” Lopez made a surprisingly well-thought-out and articulated case for the Chrysler PT Cruiser as a counter-culture icon, according to sources.

“My friends give me a lot of shit for driving a PT,” Lopez said while applying a NOFX sticker to the back of the 2002 Cruiser. “But you know what? There’s nothing as counter-culture as rejecting group-think mentality, even from those who reject mainstream music and politics. To stand apart from others by realizing that loyalty or rejection of material shit is just another way dominant culture entraps us in it, that’s really doing your own thing.”

“Also, this baby gets great mileage,” Lopez said, slapping the roof of the vehicle. “And that’s a step towards carbon neutrality. Nihilism is not punk.”

His mother, Tracy Lopez, was familiar with her son’s stance on the 2001 Motor Trend “Car of the Year.”

“He’s always loved that Cruiser, ever since I upgraded to a Honda CR-V last year and gave it to him,” Lopez said. “And he’s been talking up the PT as being ‘the flagship vehicle of anticulture and a deep symbol of personal independence’ for months now, whatever that means. But I guess he’s getting pretty good at it, because he used to just angry cry whenever his little pals would call him ‘Mom Punk.’ Like that’s a bad thing.”

Chrysler executive Ronald Zellner appreciated the argument Lopez was making.

“We here at Chrysler are always open to a new market of consumers,” Zellner said. “While we’ve never considered ourselves all that punk, youth culture has always been a great resource to tap into, regardless of their reasoning or self-justifications. That said, our marketing team does plan on using his case in a national advertising campaign for the All-New P2 Cruiser without any acknowledgment or compensation to him. Which is actually very DIY of him or whatever to not sell out.”

As of press time, Lopez was loading the eight-CD changer in the Cruiser’s trunk and formulating a defense of Garth Brooks.

10 Episodes of The Simpsons That Predicted the Future

Posted on November 13, 2021December 9, 2025 by Jerrod Kingery

According to some fans, “The Simpsons” has predicted numerous future events, including the election of Donald Trump and a tiger attack of Siegfried and Roy. Here are 11 lesser known moments from classic episodes in which the jaundiced first family of Springfield predicted the future.

“Stark Raving Dad”

This heavily-hyped episode featured an uncredited Michael Jackson as a mentally unwell character spending a concerning amount of time alone with a young boy. And it accurately foretold how willing a whole generation would be to overlook the heinous crimes of artists just because he made a pretty funky zombie song one time.

“Last Exit to Springfield”

Dr. Joyce Brothers’ joke about bringing her own microphone to a “Smartline” taping is eerily similar to the origin story of Dr. Phil McGraw, who started his career as a sack of rancid ham brought to life by a magical lav mic, thus giving Oprah someone to bounce her bullshit off of.

“Marge vs. The Monorail”

This episode, written by a pre-”Late Night” Conan O’Brien, was cited by “Monorail Conductors of America Quarterly” as the sole reason every monorail conductor across the nation now wears a dashing cape.

“Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”

You were 10 years old when this episode first aired and you couldn’t stop talking about “The Simpsons.” Now, here you are, in your early ‘40s, and you used the word “cromulent” in a work email before dedicating a whole weekend making a “Steamed Hams” meme video. You’re a broken human being because of this show.

“Treehouse of Horror IV”

Disgraced former President Richard Nixon, who served on the “jury of the damned,” would die 6 months after this episode first aired. And, wouldn’t you know it, he received a jury summons his very first week in Hell.

“El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer”

Perhaps not “predicted” so much as “inspired,” but after this episode aired Johnny Cash got absolutely zooted on 5 alarm Texas chili peppers and then spent six months dressed as a fox and galavanting around a desert harassing bald men.

“A Milhouse Divided”

In 2012, scientists in the Netherlands published findings that the most accurate visual representation of dignity was indeed an amorphous blob with several jagged lines in its lower portion.

“Trilogy of Error”

In this episode and in real life, Linguo IS dead.

“Homer’s Enemy”

While this episode is best-known for the tragic character of Frank Grimes, it also seems to predict the rise of the above- and below-bowling alley housing trend that appealed to so many Millennials during Barack Obama’s first term as president.

“The Italian Bob”

This season 17 episode didn’t record because everyone’s DVR was full, so no one has actually seen it. This worldwide phenomenon would go on to predict how no one has watched any new Simpsons episode the past 16 years.

Jezebel Writer Can’t Wait to Ruin Succession For Everyone

Posted on November 13, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Jezebel writer Cara Olson has reportedly been ‘methodical’ and ‘giddy’ in her attempt to find something problematic about the critically acclaimed HBO series, “Succession,” sources close to the writer claimed.

“With critics and fans alike vocal in their love of the dark comedy, I naturally could not pass up an opportunity to find something to get this show canceled in every possible way,” the Oberlin graduate gleefully stated. “I am going to rip this show a new asshole, believe you me. I’ve been watching every episode obsessively looking for any minor slip-up. If that fails to net any results, I’ll just do some reading between the lines for microaggressions that aren’t actually there or something about representation. But I assure you, fans’ days of watching ‘Succession’ guilt-free are numbered.”

Editors at Jezebel fully endorsed Olson’s endeavor, saying it steers close to the site’s mission statement.

“We abandoned any pretext of actual journalism long ago in favor of putting out pointed takedowns of hot button issues in order to drive up the clicks, so this is just good business sense,” per a spokesperson for the site. “We’re certain that Vice and Buzzfeed are already working on something similar, so we need to stay ahead of the curve. It’s not about putting out thought-provoking or engaging content, it’s about playing devil’s advocate just for the sake of it. If there’s something out there that everyone seems to enjoy, we’ll do anything possible to put a stop to it.”

“Succession” producers offered only a tempered reaction after learning that the web-based news site took a slanted interest in the series.

“Well, critics are going to have their say on the show, but I’m not sure what this is exactly,” said series creator, Jesse Armstrong. “A huge part of the show’s appeal is our satirical take on dysfunctional families and American capitalism. I guess that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I don’t think we’ve done anything that’s crossed any sort of lines? Compared to some of the other shows HBO has done, I think we’re pretty milquetoast in terms of problematic content. Just because this writer doesn’t like the show doesn’t mean other people can’t like it. I mean, Jesus, I hope that’s the case.”

Olson could not be reached for further comment as she was now critiquing “Dune” for its refusal to address the connections between spice and big pharma.

Tucker Carlson Cites “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” as Early Example of Cancel Culture

Posted on November 13, 2021 by Tony Morse

WASHINGTON — Fox News host Tucker Carlson used the 1981 Dead Kennedys song “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” as one of the first examples of cancel culture and bias against traditional conservative views, multiple aging viewers confirmed.

“Hearing this grotesquely un-American song filled me with shock and horror I haven’t experienced since Barack Hussein Obama entered our White House,” the Republican standard-bearer said with disgust. “Viewers of this program know the left is obsessed with cancel culture, and this song uses expletives to disenfranchise people who like to start fights at shows. If they can cancel Nazis, they can cancel you, kidnap your children, and drink their blood. This song might appeal to AOC and her social justice warriors, but those of us who love this country have authentic punk bands like Brutal Attack on our playlists.”

And if the Democrats know what’s good for them, they should remember what made a band name like Dead Kennedys possible in the first place,” Carlson added before cutting to a commercial break for blood pressure medication.

Tucker’s fans applauded his defense of their right to say and do whatever they want without any consequences.

“Somebody has to talk about these Satan worshiping globalists who are trying to destroy this country’s age-old traditions of being white and Christian,” said local school board candidate Tyler Martin. “You won’t hear what Tucker says on other networks, because you-know-who owns them all. Last week at work my supervisor told me to take the Auschwitz Summer Camp pin off of my uniform because he doesn’t want the local press catching any more Sheriff Deputies wearing those, but I call bullshit. It’s because of that Dead Jello song. This band needs to be boycotted before it gets worse.”

Tucker’s analysis was not without critics.

“This legendary punk song is still triggering fragile little Nazi snowflakes forty years after its original release,” added local scene vet and Anthropologist Dr. Patrick Donaldson. “It’s always the same shit with these assholes. Bullies until someone speaks up, and then they cry about getting cancelled. But ideologically speaking, Nazis want to literally cancel everyone different from them. Telling Tucker to fuck off isn’t the same, and all of humanity would benefit if he did.”

At press time, Carlson happily showed proof of vaccination to enter the Fox studio before comparing vaccine passports to Gold Star of David patches.

Workaholic? This Minimum Wage Worker Has Two Jobs!

Posted on November 13, 2021 by Yancy Lee Crawford

Did you hear about Death Metal Dave? Yeah, he got ANOTHER job. Ever since he slammed on a lame-ass frontside boardslide on the flatbar at the skatepark and got that compound leg fracture, Dave’s become such a workaholic. He’s like the Glengarry Glen Ross of minimum wage food service, and I am here for it.

Dave’s dedication to his jobs is insane. Last weekend, he didn’t even have a birthday party because he worked a late shift at the bar, opened at the bagel shop, and then worked another double at the bar. Talk about putting your career first! I mean, take a day off, dude! Your birthday is way more important than the racks you’re stackin’.

News flash–you should have a healthy work/life balance! That said, I really hope Dave buys some new shoes before injecting all his money directly into his stock portfolio. Those Chuck Taylors are older than his iPhone 6, but Dave’s probably too focused on hobbling up the corporate ladder to pay attention to how fashionable his feet are.

Dave’s always doing the most on socials, too. You should check his Instagram story out if you ever need a little extra #mondaymotivation. He’s always talking about his career like, “If I don’t work, I can’t live,” and “I can’t afford to have a day off.” He usually records his videos in a break room or on the bus between jobs since he can’t drive with his busted leg yet. Dude’s a maniac.

If I go a week without some quality time at the beach with my homies or going on a fancy dinner date with my girl, I lose my mind. Not Dave. That dude is all work and then more work and sometimes physical therapy because I guess a compound fracture requires ongoing medical attention.

I DMed Dave about taking a trip to Cabo or the Keys if Mr. CEO can pry himself away from his two jobs for a week or two this spring. Mr. Overachiever left me on read for a couple days before saying he was thinking about delivering for Uber Eats as a third job when he can drive since his car isn’t new or reliable enough to carry passengers.

Honestly, I don’t see how constantly working, traveling between jobs, eating vending machine dinners, and sleeping three to four hours a night is healthy. Dave clearly is addicted to work, and I hope he gets the help he needs.