Heartwarming: When This Goth Kid Was Getting Picked On, Anne Rice Came to His School To Remind His Bullies That Vampire Lore Is Steeped in Eroticism

Posted on by Dan Rice

Any celebrity can tweet against bullying in our school, but it takes a real class act to actually stand up and do something about it.

Eighth grader and self-described “goth kid” Xavier Byrne was having a hard time fitting in at his new school. It wasn’t long before his outsider status made him the target of bullies, an all too common occurrence. When famed horror writer Anne Rice heard about Xavier’s troubles, she didn’t take to social media, she took to action. She marched right to Xavier’s middle school in person to tell everyone giving him a hard time that vampires are very, very sexy.

Yaaaas Queen of the damned! If only more people took a cue from Anne and reminded bullies that the trope of a vampire’s hypnotic gaze is allegory for seduction and extramarital temptation, and therefore actually pretty cool.

All bullies are cowards deep down, and nothing says “your locker shoving days are over, Jack” better than Anne Rice walking right up to you and saying “When we trace the myth down to its origins, what the vampyre ultimately represents is sexuality, it’s power, and our fear of it. The bite of the ‘unholy’ and the exchange of bodily fluid it precipitates are meant to evoke sexual activity in our subconscious, specifically sexual acts not accepted by traditional christian-based social structures.”

You can bet no one is making fun of Xavier’s eye shadow now that Anne Rice has gone out of her way to clarify to all of his classmates that the darkened eyes and fair skin of the traditional vampire was meant to embody the sexual ideals of Edwardian aristocrats!

As it turns out, Xavier was never a fan of Anne Rice and feels that vampires are “pretty lame now,” but you can bet your bottom fang he appreciated the backup! When asked if Rice’s efforts made an impact, the young goth confirmed, “Nobody is paying any attention to me now. Everyone is too busy talking about the horny vampire woman.”

After paying Xavier’s school a visit, Rice did get on twitter, but only to announce that this is just the beginning of her crusade against intolerance:

“To every young person out there who thinks it’s okay to pick on someone because they’re different, I want you to know this: While Louis and Lestat were incapable of actually performing intercourse, the homoerotic fabric of their relationship was meant to imply a physical attraction to one another.”

Manspreading Anti-Vaxxer Taking Up Two ICU Beds

Posted on by Ben Friedman

BOISE, Idaho — A man suffering from COVID-19 after refusing a vaccination drew ire from other patients by spreading his legs across two ICU beds, hospital staff confirmed.

“They’ve got me hooked up to all these fancy machines, how the hell am I supposed to stay comfortably confined to one bed? I need to spread out, let my body relax. This is the same body that beat syphilis twice; I think I can handle a flu,” said Darren McAvoy as he struggled to breathe. “First I have to close my legs for some pregnant lady or old person on the bus, now my nuts have to be touching my thigh while I’m on a ventilator? These assholes just get off on restricting my freedoms.”

Hospital staff pleaded with McAvoy to make room for additional patients to no avail.

“I admitted Mr. McAvoy two days ago amidst a flood of other people suffering from late stage COVID, and the second I turned my back he hooked his leg into another bed and refused to relinquish it. I tried to tell him that we have patients lying in the hallway, but he wouldn’t budge,” said Dr. Martin Sinclair. “I’ve met plenty of patients with no shame or decency, but for all his rantings about preferring ‘dangerous freedoms to tyrannical peace,’ he sure is adamant about having as many pillows as possible.”

McAvoy’s insurance provider was alarmed, but not surprised, after the hospital’s billing staff sent in his claim.

“While Mr. McAvoy met his deductible within the first three weeks of the year, his policy does not cover literally anything he is doing. Not only did his refusal to be vaccinated disqualify him from any coverage for his stay, but by taking up two beds he actually owes us enough money to buy a small island,“ said Allina Health representative Susan Smith. “As much as we’d love to charge him for occupying multiple beds, the hospital’s regulations state that he can either close his legs or move behind a dumpster in the parking lot.”

At press time, McAvoy’s family was informed that he had passed away, and that his last will and testament insisted that women who walk by his grave smile once in a while.

I Didn’t Come Here To Make Friends, I Came Here To Stand in the Corner and Hope I Don’t Say Anything Too Weird

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Whoa there, buddy. I didn’t come to this party to cultivate new friendships or trick people into connecting with me on LinkedIn. I came here to lay low and hope that I don’t say something about how alligators have permanently erect penises.

My gameplan for the entire evening is to stand right here in my corner while making direct eye contact with the host’s dog in order to entice it to come over to me, so I can kill time rubbing my hands all over his face before ultimately getting back to my safe space corner. It’s a numbers game, and that number is how many more minutes do I have to be here until I can leave.

I mean, would it be nice to make friends here? Sure. But would it be even better to discreetly leave this party without saying goodbye to anyone to avoid accidentally saying something totally weird, like how I think the British version of “The Office” is superior to the American one but not as good as the Australian version that pretty much no one’s ever heard of except for me? Absolutely.

Also, I already came here with a friend, so I’m not exactly in the market for any new ones. Believe me, if I had room for any more companions I’d be mingling like there’s no tomorrow. But alas, I’m afraid my friendship quota is currently full. By the way, has anyone seen the guy I came with? Kevin? Haven’t seen him since we got here.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m having a ton of fun. I was just eavesdropping on a conversation about movies that I just so happen to personally enjoy. Good thing I didn’t chime in, though. I really dodged a bullet there.

Believe me, limiting myself to one corner is for the greater good of the party. Actually, I think people are on to me, so I’ll be relocating to the corner in the kitchen next.

Only Band You Want to See on Tour Not on the Two Canadian Stops For Some Reason

Posted on by Steve Yuen

BLAINE, Wash. — Local band with at least one felony, Green Stream, will not be playing their scheduled Vancouver and Calgary shows of a current tour for reasons unconfirmed but not terribly hard to figure out, according to sources.

“The band arrived at the land border. We investigated the identity of one member, Mr. Tessel, and we have decided to hold everyone who was in the van,” CBSA Officer Morgan Page explained. “I am not at liberty to discuss the nature of these charges, but most of these fellas sure do seem to have the smell of alcohol on their breath, which would track with at least a few of the charges dating back to 2014 that I’m seeing here.”

The band was collectively frustrated at Canada’s border policy, and not bassist Nicolas Tessel, who blew a 3.2 BAC six months prior in their hometown of San Pedro.

“Look man, Nicky has been going through some shit. He got kicked out of his girlfriend’s grandma’s house and can’t see his girl or their kid now,” singer Jeffery Hamm stated. “He’s not a saint by any means, but who among us hasn’t had two felony DUIs, a bench warrant, and a pending domestic abuse charge? I don’t think it would make us any better people to judge him for his mistakes, but apparently the entire country of Canada does, which is kind of the opposite of what you hear about Canadians.”

Tour mates Bad Waxx will be continuing the tour through Canada before returning to the U.S. to play in Montana where they hope to reunite with Green Stream.

“Man, Nicky is nice and all, aside from being just objectively a huge piece of shit. But honestly, I’m not sure why the band keeps him around. Even if he wasn’t banned from entering a neighboring country for life, most punk houses and a few Best Western franchise locations won’t let those guys stay a night because of that guy,” said Bad Waxx singer Mitch Gonzalez. “Shit, I don’t think they even plugged in his amp during the last show, that cab is basically just a place where the rest of the band puts their drinks.”

At press time, the band’s merch girl was the only person in the group permitted into the country, just moments before losing her ID, cell phone, and van keys.

National Coffee Day Wasted on Starbucks

Posted on by Dianne Nora

NEW YORK — Marketing associate and long-time New Yorker Carly Tseng reportedly wasted National Coffee Day by purchasing coffee at Starbucks.

“This time of year, even if it’s not that hot yet, I just want pumpkin spice everything,” said Tseng, wearing Ugg boots and a large, floppy hat. “When I drink coffee, I want it to have so much artificial sweeteners that the flavor of the over-roasted beans is barely identifiable, and I can count on that at any of the twenty-five Starbucks within a few blocks of my office.”

William Schultz, a barista at Blend, an independent coffee shop in Manhattan, said sales had been slow despite the holiday.

“All these weird consumerist holidays are essentially bullshit, but I think the owners were still hoping it’d help drive some business up,” Schultz said. “Our coffee is actually cheaper and better than Starbucks, in my opinion, but everyone I see walking by has those damn green cups. Like, I get if you’re gonna cheap out and buy Dunkin’ or a cup of bodega coffee, but Starbucks doesn’t even taste good. We all know people are just there to pee and use the outlets.”

Barbara Raztkovich, a researcher on consumer trends, confirmed most Americans list Starbucks as their favorite coffee company.

“Across demographics, Americans repeatedly list Starbucks as their favorite coffee retailer,” Raztkovich said. “While the trend may frustrate local business owners and coffee aficionados, it’s consistent with Americans’ behavioral patterns, opting for the option that is least practical, beneficial, and nutritious for us. The only thing I could see that might increase sales further for the brand overall would be a price hike or an e coli outbreak, to really solidify the support of those with a deathwish.”

At press time, Tomasetti was reportedly taking photos of her coffee cup for Instagram, saying she was hoping to go viral as a tastemaker.

Report: That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Posted on by Josh Klasco

DENVER — Local man Liam Cooper announced that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich his girlfriend charitably made for him was “worse than eating dog shit” because it wasn’t “how mom makes it,” compassionately embarrassed sources report.

“I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!” screamed the 32-year-old Cooper while stomping around in his adult footie pajamas. “This is the gross kind of peanut butter that you have to mix together. Just get Skippy like a normal fucking person. And jelly is not supposed to have the seeds in there. I could freaking choke! Reba is always trying to trick me into ‘eating better,’ but I don’t want to! She didn’t even cut it diagonally. Reba’s stupid and I don’t like her anymore!”

Cooper’s girlfriend, Reba Harmon, had an epiphany while recounting her side of the affair.

“I really don’t know what to do at this point. No matter how hard I try, he just critiques everything,” lamented Harmon while fetching a can of ginger ale to settle Cooper’s stomach. “The way I fold his laundry, how I put him to bed; and last week I overheard him telling his mom that I ‘kiss weird.’ When we first started dating I thought the love he had for his mother was endearing. But the longer I’m with him the more I feel like it’s a bit psychotic. Last time we visited his parents’ house, his mother gave him a bath. Now that I say it out loud I realize I need to get out of this relationship.”

Dr. Rachel Lehcar is an expert in the field of auto-alimentation and leads a research project investigating the connections between overbearing mothers and man-children.

“You would think it’s pretty straightforward,” said an exhausted Dr. Lehcar. “But it’s actually hard to find out whether man-children with overbearing mothers can actually feed their damn selves. I lead a team of some of the world’s brightest PhD students. We’ve spent decades and millions of dollars trying to find an answer. At this point, my research makes me think they might not be physically able to do anything beyond making themselves a partially defrosted frozen pizza, but they always put that piece of cardboard in the oven as well and almost burn the lab down.”

Cooper’s mother was not available for comment because she was too busy scheduling her adult son’s latest dental visit and applying to jobs for him.

Guy At Bar Knocks Over Three Tables Rushing to Interrupt Woman Talking About Whiskey

Posted on by Tyler Dark

REHOBOTH BEACH, Del. — A local woman’s conversation with friends was disrupted by a man who stormed across the bar to correct a statement she made about whiskey and upturned several hi-top tables in the process, according to sources.

“I heard a bunch of glasses break and I thought a car had crashed into the side of the building or something,” recalled Stephanie Perry, whose offhand remark about disliking Scotch resulted in nearly a thousand dollars in property damage. “I turned to look and there was a bright red man running straight at us knocking over everything in his path. All because one of my friends was talking about single- versus blended-malt, and I was just like, I don’t know, Glenlivet and Johnnie Black both kinda taste like distilled shit to me. I’m just glad I made it out of there alive.”

The man who caused the commotion later claimed that while others might have been alarmed, it was one of many such confrontations he regularly has.

“Such severe misjudgment simply cannot be tolerated,” declared Albert Landry while adjusting his velvet vest. “It’s only right that a learned gentleman such as yours truly should correct a lady who utters such hogwash by any means necessary. Had I allowed m’ladies to proceed with the discussion, I might have had to endure listening to some pea-brained drivel about how bourbon doesn’t necessarily have to be made in Kentucky. It’s a good thing I was there alone with no friends because I might have been lost in conversation and missed my chance to yell at some women.”

The staff at Angel’s Gastropub were reportedly unsurprised, alleging that annoying white guys channeling their rage into pretentious opinions about meaningless bullshit was something they have come to expect during a typical night at work.

“This kinda shit happens all the time,” claimed bartender Jamie Poynter, who was working on the night of the occurrence. “Just a couple days ago, our door guys had to restrain some dude who screamed at a woman so hard for ordering a gimlet with gin that he popped a blood vessel in his eye. And about a month back, a guy pulled out a gun when he heard a woman order a martini without vermouth. Meanwhile, he drank Jack & Cokes all night and tipped eight percent. But in this industry, dealing with egomaniacal assholes on a constant basis just comes with the territory.”

Sources familiar with Mr. Landry have said that although he was outraged and disgusted by Perry’s ridiculous statement, he would still be very happy to see a picture of her feet.

Ranked: Best Bars in NYC for Remembering Everything You Hate About Bars

Posted on by Heather Cook

Remember bars? Remember partying until the break of dawn in your favorite dive spot while the glow of New York City lights up the faces of hammered finance bros? Well, bars are back, baby! It’s time to get your vaccinated ass back into the social world and start remembering everything you hated about bars to begin with. Over-priced cocktails, sweaty dudes, neverending bathroom lines. It’s all waiting for you! So, we’ve put together a list of the best bars in NYC that will remind you why you used to always bail on Happy Hour.

Jake’s Dilemma, Upper West Side
You’ve been in quarantine for so long that you almost forgot that entitled frat bros exist. Unfortunately, within the first two minutes at Jake’s Dilemma, you’ll be reminded of their sad and overpopulated existence on the Upper West Side. In this hot spot for Alpha Phi guys, you can absolutely expect to be hit in the back of the head with a beer pong ball. Hope you like the smell of spilled PBR on a perpetually sticky floor and too much Axe body spray.

White Horse Tavern, Greenwich Village
One of the few remaining hipster enclaves in the Village that is guaranteed to make you remember everything you hate about men with zero self-awareness screaming into your ear about Bitcoin and the bar’s impressive IPA selection. It can get pretty crowded on the weekends, so brace yourself for an unwanted hand on your lower back as some douchebag makes their way through the bar.

Pietro Nolita, Bowery
This city is crawling with fame-obsessed influencers that will do anything for a fancy-schmancy photo op, and this Instagrammable bar is their watering hole. This place will remind you of how annoying it is to be surrounded by millennials that think it’s still cool to blog. But don’t worry about actually having a good time. It only matters if you look like you’re having fun in the picture.

Jekyll and Hyde Club, West Village
Do you love bars that have a live show with outdated animatronics? No? That’s what we thought. You might decide to go to this bar ironically for the spooky Jekyll and Hyde show, but next thing you know, some open micer will be asking where you’re from. No amount of improv classes can prepare you for the consequences that come with going to a bar that has live entertainment.

Clockwork Bar, Lower East Side
Shabby little dive bars like this one remind us that punk’s not dead! It also reminds us that punks can be incredibly pretentious and you’ll somehow feel judged in this grungy dive. The bouncer will be mean, the bathrooms will be toxic, and anyone that doesn’t look like Sid Vicious will be treated like Johnny Rotten.

Sampled Voicemails Only Communication Rapper Has Left with Mother

Posted on by Walker MacDonald

ENCINO, Cali. — West coast hip hop artist Travis MacKinnon, known in the music world as Beezy P, admitted that the only form of communication he currently has with his mother is sampling voicemails she leaves on his phone.

“It’s fire. My moms is always laying it on the line in her messages. Sometimes she’s trippin’ that I never call her back, other times she’s telling a story that goes nowhere, or it’s just a butt dial and I hear her singing to herself,” said the caucasian voice of the streets from his suburban home. “That’s why I be slipping ‘em in every time. Did some of that email survey shit and almost every single one of my fans either has no relationship with, or hates their mom. That’s where I come in and give ‘em a taste of what they don’t got, it hits ‘em different. Mi madre tu madre, supply and demand type beat.”

Allen Anderson; a friend and contemporary of MacKinnon, was not as emphatic about his peer’s use of the trope.

“I mean at first, it was unique,” said Anderson. “But he’s just stretching it thin, bro. No disrespect, but I don’t understand the merit of putting some shit like ‘What time is your Target interview’ and ‘Your allowance is not open for debate’ in front of the beat drop, y’know? I’ve heard other rappers use this same trick, and those messages actually make you think. These messages just make me want to skip the song.”

Despite not fully understanding the utility of including her voice in her son’s music, MacKinnon’s mother Susan still seems supportive of his endeavors.

“You gotta let your kids be creative, art’s a great way to express themselves,” said Mrs. MacKinnon through a borderline concerning grin. “That being said, they typically get it out of their system before they’re 27, but everyone moves at their own pace. He tells me he’s been making ‘hella bank’ selling something called reposts? I just hope they’re not drugs. But who am I kidding, if they were drugs he probably wouldn’t still be in my basement.”

At press time, it’s been confirmed that all revenue for Beezy P’s recent mixtape “Tha Trap Make My Mama Cry Vol. 2” which has garnered over 5 million streams is now legally owed to Mrs. MacKinnon after an entertainment lawyer was able to prove that over 90% of the tape is just her voice.

Opinion: Tattoos Shouldn’t Hurt So Much

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Ow! Seriously, that really fucking hurts! It feels like you’re slowly slitting my bicep with a hot, wet scalpel. I guess now I know how people who wake up during surgery feel. God damn. This pain is otherwordly, but I still want to get so many more tattoos. Look, I don’t know who I need to speak to about this, but the tattoo industry would make so much more money if they simply didn’t hurt so much.

At first, I thought I just so happened to get my first tattoo in the most painful spot possible, but that tattoo pain chart over there said “bicep” was among the least painful. Plus, I have a super high threshold for pain. I’ve gotten so many Henna tattoos and they barely make me wince. All I’m sayin’ is maybe the tattoo industry can take the pain-free page out of the Henna handbook.

Wait, were you trying to hurt me? If this is a rite of passage thing, then I get it. But since I made it through this ordeal without punching or suing someone, I think I’ve earned my stripes. Speaking of which, how bad would it hurt to add stripes to this?

How come the tattoo industry is so slow to evolve? Sure, the guns have gotten a lot better, but it’s basically been the same ink-in-skin method for thousands of years. Every other industry has come a long way in the pain department. Take dentistry, for example. They at least give you drugs before they use their medieval torture tools on you. If the tattoo industry teamed up with big pharma, I think that would lead to some really good, pain-free decisions.

It seems like everyone has a tattoo these days. So how the hell did they all sit through this?! Are they all gluttons for punishment? Do they get off on it as much as the artists clearly get off on doling out pain in the form of nautical stars and tribal bands?

I just don’t see how anyone could actually tolerate that naggy, cutting pain for hours at a time. I’m forced to conclude that it’s all a front for some kind of dom/sub/ink exchange that my innocent self stumbled into. Wait, we’re done? That’s it? Aww, but it was just getting good!