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House Show Sound Guy Has No Idea What He’s Doing There Either

DULUTH, Minn. — Professional sound technician Greg Thornton released an exasperated and rambling statement confirming that he also doesn’t understand why his presence would be warranted at a local house show.

“The guys who put this on just hired me off Craigslist, I assumed this would be a real gig, not some fuckaround fest in some broken-down shanty. Work has been kinda slow the past year so I take side gigs whenever I can, but man, this just seems fucking stupid,” explained Thornton while observing the stage which consisted of eight taped together milk crates. “Look, I’m a professional so I’ll do my best, but what are they actually expecting from me here? The walls are super thin, there’s no soundboard and the mic sounds like Swamp Thing’s dildo.”

“Well, I guess I’ll go try to mic the bass drum or something,” said Thornton, after a prolonged sigh.

Debbie Welkins, singer for headlining band Toilet Shoes, shared Thornton’s uncertainty as to whether his presence at the show was necessary or even wise.

“We play a lot of these kinds of DIY shows on the road and never once have I thought ‘this would be better if there was a guy in back screaming at us about the PA’ or whatever. If anything, [Thornton] being here is just throwing everything off more,” said Welkins. “House shows are supposed to be organic and sound sorta fucked up anyway. Not that there’s much he can even do in the first place but still, it’s just very uncomfortable watching him tug his ponytail as a weird sort of stress reliever.”

Show attendee and self-proclaimed audiophile Douglass Fitzsimmons professed his overwhelming support for Thornton’s involvement with the show.

“I usually hate these low-budget projects — they can never get the timbre to sound the way it should. But I must say, that sound guy has made this show perfection,” remarked Fitzsimmons while browsing rare import vinyl on Discogs. “My word, the way that man made the guitars sound audible was pure genius. It’s the first time I’ve been to a house show and didn’t end up puking in the driveway out of disgust from what I was just forced to listen to.”

At press time, Thornton had left to smoke a joint behind the building only to find everyone else in attendance at the show out there doing the same.