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“So, We Did a Thing” Say Zillow Executives Buying 643rd Home in Neighborhood

IRVINE, Calif. — Giddy Zillow executives announced in a Facebook post Tuesday morning that they were the proud owners of their 643rd home in one of Atlanta’s most previously affordable neighborhoods, confirmed multiple out of work realtors who thought this shit was over.

“So, we did a thing…” started the happy post from Zillow executives. “We bought a house! We were so nervous to take the leap—buying a new home is SCARY, even when you’ve done it over 7,000 times — but we saw the potential in this cozy, middle-class neighborhood and just thought, ‘What if the whole thing was ours?’ With a little algorithm and a lot of love, we’ll turn this house into a home. Then we’ll slap on some paint and cheap vinyl flooring and sell that home above market rate. Add a white picket fence and it’s the American dream!”

Executives credit their iBuy, or instant buy, home-sourcing algorithm for jump-starting their latest 2-bedroom, 1-bath acquisition.

“It feels great to be getting so much recognition. It’s crazy to think back to when I was just some grad student’s idea for a program that could designate where the hottest, most reasonably attainable co-eds were,” said the Zillow home-sourcing algorithm. “In a day and age where soulless bots are constantly accused of tearing apart the seams of society, I’m proud to work for an organization that doesn’t care about that at all.”

Other iBuy home flippers and Wall Street investment firms shared their excitment on Zillow’s post, including friend and BlackRock executive Barry Winstrom, who commented: “Looks like the perfect home to raise a family (or the rent LOL)! Congrats, guys!”

“I’m so happy for them. I know they had to be patient while investment firms like mine were already hitting that next stage in our lives, buying up entire residential districts in big cities to flip, convert into ‘luxury micro studios,’ and endlessly rent to the working poor,” said Winstrom. “So it’s priceless to see how excited they are about finally getting their first starter neighborhoods.”

Not everyone shares the same positive sentiments over Zillow’s recent purchase. One couple outbid by Zillow’s cash-in-hand offer said they had plans to build a future in that neighborhood but would now have to settle for “spray painting dicks on the garage door.”