ATLANTA — A terrified passenger aboard flight 1894 to Portland expressed slight relief today in noting that the creature on the wing of his plane at least reaffixed its mask after taking a bite of the plane’s electrical wires, the appreciative man confirmed.
“This thing is gonna kill us all! I swear it’s out there, please believe me! And on top of that, come on, we’ve been doing this for two years. Glad at least someone is with the program,” noted passenger in question David Horbo, glaring at his fellow passengers for letting their masks drop beneath their noses. “At this point I just want them to see the monster so they can at least see what someone with a heart looks like. Yes, it’s annoying, but it’s really not that hard. It’s not like these microscopic pretzels they give us really take that much jaw force to break down.”
The creature, while hell-bent on killing everyone aboard by sending the plane to its fatal demise, wouldn’t think of handling things any other way.
“Yeah, I’m a growling, snarling monster whose actions may cause the death of everybody on this plane, but I’m not an asshole,” said the creature, who kept noting that while he doesn’t necessarily support Biden, he still voted for him. “I do feel kind of bad for gaslighting that poor passenger by hiding every time he tried to show someone I was there, but I’m listening, and I’m learning.”
Flight attendant Mariam Winnby, who spent most of the flight assuring Mr. Horbo there was nothing out there and telling him that if he keeps this up they’ll have to restrain him, reiterated to us that there was simply nothing to fear.
“You have no reason to be afraid. There’s no way a creature is surviving outside the aircraft, and besides, it’s not like COVID is real anyway,” noted Winnby. “You’re really afraid of some soy boy liberal cuck critter who wears a mask? The real monster is the media. I’ve taken enough trips around this flat Earth to spot oppression when I see it.”
At press time, the creature was seen sanitizing the surface of the plane before biting the central power source, forcing the craft to head crashing to the ground, taking care to stay a respectful six feet away from all passengers as they screamed in the moments before death, and taking care to wash its hands in their blood for at least 20 seconds, post-crash.