HUMPTULIPS, Wash. — Local “rise and grinder” Jake Munchen is reportedly trying to break into the venue security career field by practicing crossing his arms for hours at a time in his bedroom, sources who warned that his arms might get stuck that way if he does it too long confirmed.
“One day I’ll be known as the Hendrix of venue security,” said Munchen before wiping down the sweat on his bedroom mirror after another successful afternoon of hard arm-crossing work. “I’ve been independently studying the security arts for months, and I’ve learned that professional guards are never seen with noodly limp arms. That’s why I’ve also been working out my arms exclusively while neglecting all other muscle groups. How else are you supposed to intimidate fans at emo and indie shows who look otherwise incapable of physical confrontation? Through bulging locked forearms and a ‘don’t you test me motherfucker’ look in your eye, of course.”
Venue management are well-aware of what it takes to make it in this cutthroat business.
“Event security requires mastery of a variety of tough guy skills,” said Delia Turneke, owner and operator of Neumos Music Hall. “You also have to be able to be on your feet for up to an hour at a time and possess the innate ability to look genuinely uninterested in music in general. And most importantly, you need to be proficient at Excel. After all, this is a job so you need to know meaningless shit like that.”
Job placement specialists often warn clients of employers’ excessive expectations for their potential employees.
“With any job, you need to hone a specific set of skills in hopes to get hired. Either that or just lie a whole bunch on your resume. Whichever does the trick,” said career advisor Natalie Woodrow. “Employers are literal gatekeepers who ask potential employees to go through hoops in order to get hired. That’s why unpaid internships are still a thing. You have to be willing to be exploited for your labor and work for absolutely nothing to prove your loyalty to a corporation. It’s a bizarre power thing that employers get off on and it’s still somehow legal.”
At press time, Munchen had several tribal tattoos inked onto his arms in hopes to be more attractive to potential employers and score at least an entry-level venue bouncer position somewhere.