“Futurama” is the ultimate adult cartoon. Sometimes childish humor written by a team of comedy writers with multiple masters and PhDs between them, and the show never lacks in emotional depth. It was canceled and revived multiple times over the course of the new millennium, but kept coming back from the dead, just like great zombie Jesus.
Speaking of canceled, one little shit who can’t help but cry about cancelation is Canadian Psychologist and head of the intellectual dark web Jordan Peterson, a once successful academic who abandoned reason for treason, veering out of his lane as a Psychologist by peddling anti-intellectual, right-wing nonsense. Many fell under the charms of this charlatan while failing to realize a Psychology Professor would be the most adept at manipulation. But how do the denizens of New New York and the “Futurama” universe stack up? Read on and find out.
50. Scruffy
Scruffy the Janitor, long-time fixer of toilets and boilers, boilers and toilets, the one boiling toilet, and lifelong pornography enthusiast would despise Peterson for his abhorrently sexist views and recognize that the “12 Rules for Life” are pretty much basic common sense that can be learned anywhere. Mhm.
49. Amazonians
Let’s discuss the factors. The Amazon Women: Matriarchal giantesses who execute men by pelvis-crushing snoo-snoo. (Nice). Jordan Peterson: A frail, fragile psychiatrist who once melted his brain with bennies, and who believes that women are the embodiment of chaos. Not only are the Amazonians fundamentally opposed to Peterson’s philosophy, but they also have good critical thinking skills and can see through the fundamental flaws in his philosophy, ardently opposing this wee man.
48. LaBarbara Conrad
Intelligent, beautiful and self-possessed, LaBarbara thinks Peterson’s philosophy is nonsense. She wasn’t too concerned when Hermes came home talking about buying a copy of “Maps of Meaning,” but when he started talking about the “crisis of masculinity,” she put the book in a pot of her famous curried goat.
47. Leela
Leela started reading “12 Rules For Life” mainly because there was a section on cleaning your room, and she needed an excuse to clean her apartment. She got two paragraphs in before karate chopping the book against the wall and now dreams about putting a combat boot up Peterson’s ass.
46. Al Gore
There’s actually not a lot of jokes you can even make about this one. Peterson and Gore are pretty much on opposite ends of the political spectrum and Peterson is a prolific climate denier. Which honestly, at this point, one has to wonder… how many of these right-wing nut jobs actually don’t believe in climate change and how much of it is just toeing the party line? Al Gore doesn’t know. He just doesn’t know.
45. Robot Santa
There’s something about the phrase “an antidote to chaos” that rubs Robot Santa Claus the wrong way. He loves chaos. It’s his whole thing. Oh sure, he loves the idea of an author who sits in constant judgement of his fellow man and calls them weak little weasels, but wishes that instead of writing boring books about it, Peterson would go out and decapitate them.
44. God
Or perhaps the remains of a spaceship that crashed into God. Either way, one of the most notable quotes from God’s episode is: “When you’ve done it right, people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all.” This runs antithetical to Jordan Peterson, who never met a talk show he wouldn’t go on, a college student he wouldn’t try and debate, a trans person he wouldn’t misgender, or a hill he wouldn’t die on. All in the least subtle way possible.
43. Grand Midwife
And Grand Lunch Lady, Grand Priestess, Funeral Director, etc. This grand woman clearly has a lot of life experience, skills and education, allowing her to see through much of Peterson’s smoke and mirrors. When she attended a lecture on Peterson’s approach to parenting, she stormed out and even clocked ole’ Kermit with her cane, finding his rules simplistic, staunch, and stanky.
42. Amy Wong
Fiercely independent and at times promiscuous while planning to have a family on her own time, Amy Wong is the type of woman who Jordan Peterson despises. Amy was once enrolled in a course taught by the head of Professor Peterson, and she quickly dropped the course to boogie board in the time she would have spent at the lecture.
41. Igner
Son of Hubert Farnsworth and Mom, Igner would fear the weird Kermit man and his mean comments about women, since he is a momma’s boy at heart and would interpret Peterson’s misogyny as an attack on dear old mom.
40. Phillip J. Fry
Fry would have discovered Jordan Peterson while on a break from his relationship with Leela, he is admittedly exactly the right sort of person to be suckered in by Peterson’s… charm? Specifically, a prospectless, messy, unsuccessful man in his mid-twenties, with a tendency toward not thinking for himself. But thankfully, Leela was there to pull him back from the edge before he was too far gone.
39. Mr. Pannuchi
Fry’s old Boss and noted reader of Big Whoop magazine, Mr. Pannuchi exercised notoriously lax quality control over the ingredients at the Pizzeria, even letting Seymour (yes that Seymour) rummage around in the Pizza Sauce makes for an unclean room, and life. Plus the Pannuchi slouch is in direct opposition to the first rule for life, “Head Up Shoulders Back.”
38. Clamps
At first this Peterson guy seemed to be nice and proper, but he made the ultimate mistake, by mis-clamping the clamps. A crime punishable by CLAMP CLAMP KEBAMP! Ironic since Clamps is the closest thing to a crustacean Robot in the Futurama Universe, what with the clamps and everything.
37. Kif Kroeker
Kif is also the type of fella to get suckered in with Peterson’s rhetoric. He’s lowly, depressed and quite literally spineless. But you all forget one thing: Kif is actually a nice guy. Not a “nice guy.” A nice guy. And through that genuine niceness, he was able to pull Amy Wong – a straight-up baddie. I think there’s a lesson in that somewhere.
36. Leader of the Ball Planet
Jordan Peterson once gave a lecture on the Ball Planet. He began with bouncing, followed by rolling, followed by bouncing of the 69th kind, a societal faux pas on the ball planet. An embarrassed, slightly drunken Peterson proceeded to “bounce” from the ball planet, before any more chaos broke out, and oh boy imagine the chaos if Jordan brought a lobster to these inflatable intellectuals.
35. Ndnd
Ndnd is very familiar with the works of Dr. Peterson, mainly because she always has to read them to her husband. Lrrr can’t read. Ndnd doesn’t take Jordan seriously, mainly because she’s convinced he’s not a trained psychologist and college professor, but rather a provoking – but ultimately harmless – meta comedian. Like Andy Kaufman when he used to joke about wrestling women.
34. Robot Devil
The Robot Devil used to be big into Peterson, taking a number of notes from “12 Rules For Life.” Ultimately, he was pretty convinced that Jordan was a robot himself and was champing at the bit to one day have his soul in Robot Hell. He was disappointed when he found out the truth and has since gone on to regret giving Jordan the idea to tell his patients to write angry letters to his critics.
33. Robot 1X
I LOVE THOSE MAGNIFICENT 1X ROBOTS! A pinnacle of efficiency and flawless space-age engineering, Robot 1X considers Jordan a ranting, raving dark age lunatic, babbling about sorcery and myths. Even more cretinous is the concept of only having twelve rules for life. The 1X Robots have at least 7,000 and are among the most well-organized and high-functioning beings in the whole “Futurama” canon.
32. Mayor Poopenmeyer
Due in large part to his unwavering belief in superheroes, it would be safe to say that Mayor Poopenmeyer is also a disciple of Joseph Campbell and the “Hero With a Thousand Faces.” Or he would be, if he actually took the time to read Campbell. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) like most American politicians, the mayor of New New York City hasn’t picked up a book in several years and thinks that every picture of Jordan is just from a remake of “Tales From the Crypt.”
31. Joey Mousepad
Joey Mousepad is, without doubt, the least problematic of the Robot Mafia’s upper echelon. He’s tall, well-built, easy going and ultimately secure in his intelligence and frame. People like Jordan Peterson, Ben Shapiro, Andrew Tate, and Dave Rubin have nothing to offer him. Unfortunately, Joey Mousepad has also listened to every single episode of “The Joe Rogan Experience,” so he has absorbed some bad takes through pure osmosis.
30. Larry
The ultimate middle child in Mom’s evil empire, Larry is neither as conniving as his older brother Walt nor as brashly unintelligent as his younger brother Igner. Larry is the sort of resentful man who might easily go down a red-pill rabbit hole. Fortunately, the one time he tried standing up to Mom and told her that “women belong in the kitchen, Mommy,” she had him spend a weekend in the tiger pit.
29. Dwight Conrad
Dwight is a shining example of why smoking weed is actually one of the best things a teenager can do. Dwight first encountered a snippet from “Maps of Meaning” in an English class and – like many young men – thought Peterson had some pretty great ideas. Fortunately, LaBarbara discovered this and accidentally left some of Hermes’ stash out in the open for Dwight to find. After a couple tokes, he forgot all about it.
28. Donbot
Through cleaning his room/data storage, the Donbot was able to find his mercy file for the first time in years. With this renewed sense of kindness, the Donbot fronted Peterson a large amount of Clonazeham from the Robot Mafia, and the good doctor went on his way, never to pay back the Donbot for this generous gift, who proceeded to put out an open hit on Mr. Peterson and delete the mercy file.
27. Calculon
An antidote to chaos would inevitably lead to the end of “All My Circuits,” since chaos is a prerequisite for drama, soap opera drama especially, and good ol’ Television storytelling, no matter how basic. This would lead Calculon to lump thinly veiled criticism against Jordan Peterson during interviews, inevitably leading the two onto a talk show together, and being the spotlight hog he is, Calculon would double down on these conversations to boost his own career at the expense of the very show he is a star of.
26. Hyper Chicken
B’GAAAAK! Hyper Chicken is no one’s favorite person, a famously incompetent attorney with a tendency to fly off the handle at anyone he thinks is actually corn. And yet, there’s something about him that doesn’t scream: “I like to read books by public intellectuals.” He’s in touch enough with his rural roots to know that “public intellectual” isn’t a job people should be allowed to have.
Forbidden indeed, and it starts out with what could have been an amazing duet with riff lord (Tony Iommi) and rhyme lord (Ice-T) going to battle, but these sonic shitwinds were a warning of the shitstorm to come. Unfocused riffing, terrible album art (even worse than “Born Again,” I WILL FIGHT YOU), and exhausted execution. So bad that people will pay you to take it from them on vinyl. This left Tony Iommi, and fans hungry for better days, leading to the original lineup reunion blessing us with the aptly titled live album “Reunion.” Not worth any more words from us.
Recorded with some tracks written with another singer (Dave Walker) during one of Ozzy’s benders, “Never Say Die” is as disjointed as it sounds, with inconsistent songwriting, low energy due to drug-fueled burnout. Fused (not Iommi’s decent solo album) with strange, quasi-sci-fi dystopian cover art that would be imitated MORE successfully by future bands, a real low for a band who many have tried to imitate unsuccessfully.
We assume the band was just trying to spell tired, but didn’t have the energy or wherewithal to care, and that apathy leaks all over this middling, truly mid-Black Sabbath album, producing endless tears. It’s a true blessing that this album is not available on Spotify, with symphonic mish-mash garbage and inconsistent (but not bad) riffing creating a cringey attempt at staying relevant. Only indulge if you are into having the most annoying YouTube ads relieve you from its cornball crappery, and it’s less digestible than corn too.
Arguably not a Sabbath album, as it was originally supposed to be released as a Tony Iommi solo release, but since Sabbath owed another album to their record label, the album was rebranded as a fuck off to their corporate overlords. The first album without Geezer Butler, or any of the original members, but thankfully Glen Hughes gives a great performance and the songs are pretty kickass, even if they don’t sound like a true Sabbath record.
Presumably written to try and cheer the band up with its upbeat, surprisingly bright production for a Sabbath record, this was the first real misstep of a record for the Lords of Doom and Gloom. Black Sabbath were becoming less distinct as a band by this point, and if there weren’t some changes made, the band would surely become extinct. Unfortunately, it took them another misstep to seize that opportunity. Still great for what it is, but a step down overall.
The ’80s were a weird time, man. Good time rock’n’roll was in, same with heavy metal and gloom and doom global politics. And during one fateful evening at the pub after six hundred and sixty six pints too many, Ian Gillian and three of the original members of Black Sabbath decided to join forces for what could have been the collaboration of the decade. Unfortunately the elements could not be combined in the right portions, leading to some good results, and some bad, but what could have been still makes us think late at night.
Because “TYR” was so terrible, and probably because Geezer and Dio needed a stable paycheck, the “Heaven and Hell” Era Sabbath reunited to reach former glory. “Dehumanizer” sounds like every era of Sabbath ran through a computer, decades before AI art had been invented, and it’s better than every piece of AI art ever created. So let it be known, computers may be able to mimic notes on a scale, but they can’t replace the human soul, no matter how corrupt said soul is.
The first of several runs with who some refer to as dimestore Dio (Tony Martin), the late ’80s saw Tony Iommi take the band in a more symphonic direction to sometimes mixed results, but “The Eternal Idol” has just enough of that sweet Sabbath Magic, and riffs to compete with both the Dio and Ozzy years, and SURPRISINGLY good lyrics from Tony Martin, Sabbath were sounding like Sabbath Again after “Born Again” and “Seventh Star” failed to recapture that black magic.
The only Sabbath studio album of the ’90s to feature the return of longtime Bassist Geezer Butler alongside Iommi’s all-stars, and he even takes the lead on “Virtual Death”. Although all the parts of this album are good, very few are great since very little sticks out in particular about this record. Not that it’s bad, just forgettable, which for a band who defined a genre and era. But even on a bad day, Sabbath are still better than most bands on a good day.
Synergizing with the early ’80s thrash and hard rock movements, enshrining true mob rule by number. This is also the first Sabbath album to feature the criminally underrated Vinny Appice on Drums, the energy and vibe on this album is that of some old dogs still learning new tricks. And when old dogs band together, there is less of a chance to “Die Young,” and you can look no further than the title track for such evolution.
The first of two cross-themed albums, some may call it a cheap ripoff of Heaven and Hell, but Black Sabbath perfected their sound with Tony Martin on this disk, and that’s not to mention the rest of the band giving performances that would gain a standing ovation in the netherworld (RIP Cozy Powell). Not just once, but twice had Tony Iommi assembled a team of musicians capable of summoning the antichrist, and if it weren’t for the painfully mediocre “TYR” ending the Martin Era hot streak, we may very well have seen an apocalypse.
Black Sabbath’s partial reunion album saw Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler, and Ozzy collaborating for the first time in almost thirty years, bringing the band full circle in the cycle of evil they started almost FORTY years earlier, minus Bill Ward, who had since become a geezer himself. As the prophecy had foretold, the prodigal sons of Birmingham had reunited to finish what they started, ending their illustrious career on an absolute high, with all the doom, gloom, and boom that is the Sabbath sound, a crowning achievement fit for the factory workers of the industrial town to unite to.
Recorded off the floor over two days shortly after the band had changed their name from Earth to Black Sabbath, as per the instruction courtesy of the ghost on the album cover, who appeared to Geezer Butler in a hash-fueled dream apparently. Infamously commencing with the triply self-titled Black Sabbath (Band, Album and Song) inventing the Heavy Metal Riff Via the Tritone (devil’s interval for you nerds), killing off that dirty hippie bullshit of the ’60s and replacing it with something just as thoughtful, but much darker.
By the time this album rolled around, the band had all developed SERIOUS drug issues, and as with all in active addiction, existed in the chaos that surrounded them. While there are still classics on this album’s first half (“Symptom of The Universe” was pivotal in the invention of thrash metal), the back half of the album is filled with all the messy, supposedly “Cool” ideas you think of when you’re coked out, short of a 5-year plan to open a business, which if we’re being honest, would pay good money to hear from the original lineup.
Deciding there was simply too much partying going on and with none of the members ready to look in, the band fired the admittedly pretty wild Ozzy Osbourne and replaced him with the inventor of the Metal Horns/lovable yank Ronnie James Dio. A reinvention over a rebirth, “Heaven and Hell” featured a more technical, symphonic sound compared to the doom and gloom of peak Sabbath, it helped to have a singer who could also carry a melody and the unsung contributions of longtime keyboardist Geoff Nichols (RIP) serving as the icing on the cake, proving to the world that the metal is eternal.
After a bad case of writer’s block, Tony Iommi retreated to a haunted English castle to steal some riffs presumably from the ghosts of its former inhabitants in a forward-thinking, anti-colonial form of protest (unlike many guitarists of his generation, who stole from the colonized), and this forward-thinking drove the rest of the album. Generally regarded as the last of the classic Sabbath era, you can hear the band starting to get a little too high on their own colossal supply, with some synth-laden tracks dragging instead of crushing, like a good Sabbath should.
Usually mistakenly referred to as their regular coke order by the kilo at the time, “Snowblind” was the first big-budget Black Sabbath record. Even though half of the budget was spent on the second most popular South American stimulant, the band still made ample use of the rest of the budget to put down some of their best work, with the only misstep on the album being “Changes,” which was made even worse decades later thanks to its inclusion as the theme song for “Big Mouth.”
Though let’s be honest, this could have easily been first if it wasn’t due to personal bias (no such thing as true, unbiased journalism anyways). “Paranoid” toned down the Blues influences of the first album and injected a dose of dark, stark realism. Just listen to ‘War Pigs” mocking the nascent Military Industrial Complex with lyrics that would have been just as refreshing if they were written during the Rock Against Bush era, and the instrumental prowess of each member so good that it makes you want to pick up an instrument and play. It was official, though there had been rumblings of heavy metal before, scientists, musicologists, and sociologists could all agree that this was the moment Heavy Metal was born. The legitimate article, Accept no substitute.
Beginning with Tony Iommi smoking and coughing on what has to be some of the strongest weed ever grown (in the archaic ’70s nonetheless), this album perfected Black Sabbath’s blend of psychedelia, evil, and political consciousness, not to mention the revolutionary down-tuned sound of the guitar influencing EVERY guitarist since. This was everything the nascent band had been working towards, hazy, dark and most of all, METAL as fuck. And that’s not to mention the use of double tracking on the guitars for extra heaviness, pre-dating Judas Priest for that immersive wall of sound guitar and bass. With “Master of Reality,” Black Sabbath arrived as a musical force.
Oh hell no, this is a child. Buying drugs is always a little bit sketchy, but when your dealer is still trying to figure out how to navigate sixth grade you have a big problem. Plus the kid is trigger happy as hell. Blame it on the video games these kids are playing these days.
There is no one more unreliable, unpredictable and ill-reputable than an addict dealer. Due to the continuing war of the Tweakers versus the Shadow People, Tucker would show up several hours late, after being awake for God knows how long, beat up, spun, and scared, mixing up your bag with someone else’s in the chaos. Tucker just brings shady vibes to every occasion, especially with that fearsome-looking shotgun, freshly fired to execute the Shadow King, winning the war on the Shadow People, but scaring the living shit out of us. Only buy from him if you’re into digging holes and bong fights.
You would only be able to buy from her if you completed a convoluted route to the pickup and spoke in some stupid code. Not to mention, if the cops show up she would happily snitch you out for a tub of ice cream in prison every night, and that’s without her sentence being reduced from RICO charges to 7 years, even without her sentence being reduced at all.
If you buy from him everything’s gonna be cool at first, and he’s going to seem a little too normal. But every time you go back to him he will make more unwanted and unhealthy advances towards you, romantic or otherwise. Then one day, you’re going to find out he is using your voice, recorded from conversations in your transactions, as his ringtone, leading you to try and flee, only to be knocked out, awakening in an enclosed pit cage with his pet tarantula. You beg him for release, but he ignores you, pets the tarantula, commenting on its beautiful egg sack, before insisting you guys “play nice, or I’m going to have to come in there”…ugh!
In the event that Jesse is ever kidnapped by neo-nazis, stranded in the desert for days, or just partying up with the ladies after ripping his old high school teacher off, you would go to Tuco out of sheer necessity. Buying from him is never fun, and considering that he’s always armed, usually tweaked out, and always scary, surrounded by a posse of tough guys at the ready to hospitalize you if you so much as look the wrong way, or are short 5 cents. Scooping from this Salamanca is best done on your Sunday best behavior, getting in and out like Jimmy, as fast as possible lest you get kidnapped and sold to the cartel.
What is worse than cartel Slavery? Neo-Nazi slavery, which Jack conducts not just for business, but also pleasure. The only time you would even consider sourcing from this loony would be in prison, since having his gang’s protection would mean you could get high in peace. Biggest downside (aside from the obvious) is that if you are within six feet of this dude, your chances of getting lung cancer increases a thousandfold. Ironic, since Nazi Germany ran one of the first anti-smoking campaigns in modern history.
Jesse’s one-time partner in crime and cousin to Krazy-8, Emilio would always short you on your bag (thumbs on the scale amirite?), and when confronted about your gram being short, he would brush you off, telling you that he “Don’t do no paperwork.” Plus he was under the eye of the Albuquerque DEA at the time of the “Breaking Bad” Pilot, so if you buy off him, chances are that the feds are watching you too, and that’s not meth-induced sleep deprivation talking.
Coming in at number 8 is Krazy-8 (real name Domingo Molina). Former furniture salesman turned Cartel soldier, turned DEA Confidential Informant, reaching his final form as the first person Walt and Jesse SUCCESSFULLY dissolved in Hydrofluoric Acid, chances are if you are buying from Krazy-8, you are in the game yourself, and if you get too big for your britches, expect the cops to make the drop and bust you, while Domingo steals your clients, ripping you off like the crusts on his sandwiches. A terrible situation for all, except Mr. Molina.
Combo is the type of guy who is always reliable, if a little rough around the edges. You would continue to buy off of him regularly for a time, until he mysteriously stops answering your texts, never to be heard from again. Wherever this drug slinging dude with truly terrible fashion and hair is, we hope he’s alive and well.
Everyone’s favorite druggie loser burnout older brother turned unwilling and unwitting “partner” in the biggest meth operation in America, Jesse would never be your first choice for pickup, but would easily provide the goods in a pinch. But deep down, you would always pity him, hoping that someday, he would be able to leave the game and settle down to a more peaceful life, far away from the prison he arguably built himself, maybe Alaska, where he can build fine wooden boxes for discerning stoners.
Head of the Juarez Cartel, victim of Benjamin Button disease, and pool enthusiast, you probably buy off this guy whether or not you know it, but let’s cut the middleman and get your gear straight off the brick, since it’s less likely to be contaminated with fentanyl. Word is, if you make him enough money by working for him, he treats his employees to poolside tequila, cigars and enough booty to make Sir-Mix-A-Lot blush, the cartel equivalent of a pizza party (but no union). Just don’t conduct business on his territory without his enthusiastic, eager, and unretracted consent, unless you have a shady past involving the Pinochet Government and want one of his henchmen to kill the love of your life in front of you, putting a damper on those pool parties.
Quiet, discreet, pleasant, and arguably more moralistic when compared to others on this list, Gale is a rare breed in the game with his quirky, seemingly good nature, intellectual depth and all around unthreatening aura, and a karaoke king to boot. The only downside of grabbing the goods is that he only takes orders from Telegram, leading you to question just what else he is doing that requires anonymity, and where exactly this “Libertarian” was on January 6th, 2021.
Walt would always have that 99.7% pure, from the dankest of dank, to the frostiest snow, you can count on him for both quality and reliability, and he would happily miss the birth of his daughter to make the drop for you. Unfortunately, he’s also the type of dealer who would “badger” you to hang out with him for “just 10 minutes” after bagging your new stash, easily turning into several hours of uninteresting chemistry talk, leading to a wasted afternoon you could have spent getting high in peace alone, listening to Dark Side of the Moon. Not cool Walt, and you never were.
Gus is the ultimate dealer. Meticulous, cautious, and punctual with an always excellent product, so if you have a guy like him, you hold on for dear life, lest he gets blown up by a blood enemy in a wheelchair (gives a real bell ringer I hear). Chances are, if you were buying from him, you wouldn’t even know it since your stuff would be dropped off by a bike courier, who gives you a full menu of fun, complete with a quality check (all those years at Los Pollos taught Gus a thing or two about quality control). So if you wanna get high, you fly with Fring.
A reincarnation of the two clueless dudes from the original “Pirates of the Caribbean,” these guys are the absolute best. Quality product, interesting post-pickup discussions and hours of Adderall-fueled video gaming, these are plugs for more than just drugs, and are always holding hugs, just for you. These are solid dudes who always go the extra mile, talking you down from a bad acid trip not just because they sold you the product, but because it’s the right thing to do yo, and you’d want to hang out with them even if they left the game. Keep safe on the streets boys, and party on.
