SEATTLE — The World Health Organization formally recommended people only consume a disappointingly low number of beers at lunch, citing longitudinal studies, historical recordkeeping, and new data.
“I can’t believe I have to say this, but the typical, recommended number of lunch beers is zero. Two sips tops,” warned hepatologist Dr. Andrew-Bob Coalinga of Seattle’s Swedish Medical Center. “Even beyond liver damage and cancer risk, the social fallout of becoming a lunch beer guy has been linked to psychological damage, worsening from your 20s through 60s before plateauing. I advise all my patients to abstain from beer at lunch in all scenarios, unless maybe it’s a sunny Friday and you don’t have that much work to do and cracking open one or two would really hit the spot.”
The suggestion is already ruining lunch for beer enthusiasts nationwide.
“I’ve always considered myself a reasonably healthy person, so this comes as a shock,” admitted frequent lunch beer consumer Margaret Lott. “I figured that moderation would be enough: I only eat red meat twice per meal. I only let myself have cigarettes while I’m on the treadmill. I already cut IPAs out of my lunch rotation! But if even if four light beers in the lunch box is too much, what’s left? Only having my PB&Js with Bloody Marys and mimosas?”
Lunch beer specialists, however, maintain their support for its consumption.
“Luncheon ales are the only thing that can keep the morale of this nation up,” preached self-described beerologist and University of Washington Sigma Chi President Gavin DeChambeau. “They’re lowkirkuenly good for you on all fronts. First, let’s look at mental health. Every psych major I’ve let into a party says self-medication is key. Load progressively — breakfast, lunch, and dinner in equal small parts. Next, physical health. Americans already have startling foam deficiencies in their diet; a nice, shittily poured head helps bridge that gap. Finally, spiritual health. How can you and your brothers build a shrine to anything without huge reserves of Natty Ice cans to build it out of? Lunch beers are three for three.”
At press time, the WHO recommended that if you or a loved one needs to safely dispose of any existing lunch beers, store them in a buddy’s fridge until the next Dodgers game is on TV.
