Every Muppet Ranked by Alcohol-Related Arrests

Since the ‘70s Jim Henson’s muppets have delighted fans of all ages and become one of the most enduring and beloved institutions in the entertainment industry. Imagine the pressure involved in maintaining the quality of such a storied and important brand. Is it any surprise that they often make tabloid rags’ front pages with their public meltdowns and drunken antics?

It’s a fairly open secret that these puppet Pagliaccis are no strangers to the comforts of a bottle, but which one of America’s favorite anthropomorphic entertainers is the biggest booze hound? Here is every muppet ranked by how often their benders have caught the attention of the media and the law.

29. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

He’s a teetotaler when it comes to alcohol. Homemade pharmaceuticals, that’s another story.

28. Camilla the Chicken

Unlike other muppets Camilla is just a chicken, and not anthropomorphic or sentient. No matter how many times her toxic sexual relationship with Gonzo causes her to drunkenly create a scene, the police can’t arrest her.

27. Beauregard

He’s never been arrested, but he’s been fired for passing out drunk in the janitor’s closet several times.

26. Rowlf the Dog

Rowlf is a good boy, but he had an embarrassing Tom Waits phase in the early ’00s and leaned into the whiskey. He was arrested a few times for disorderly conduct, but people close to him claim he was just trying to write a song about spending the night in a drunk tank.

25. Gene

He’s friendly enough sober, but once he’s had a few and he puts his mean eyebrows on, look out!

24. Sweetums

Sweetums has the alcohol tolerance of Andre the Giant. Unfortunately, he drinks as much as Andre the Giant. He doesn’t get violent or reckless, just sort of sloppy and sad. He’s been arrested drunk only once for refusing to leave a Cheesecake Factory at closing.

23. Gonzo

He enjoys his brandy but has never been arrested for alcohol-related misconduct. The FBI is building a case against Gonzo for much more sinister crimes, and the local cops know not to get in the way.

22. Fozzie Bear

Fozzie has been sober since April 10th, 1992. He opened up about his rock bottom on a recent episode of WTF. “I was putting two nips in my coffee every morning just to stop the shakes. When you were partying with the Texas Mafia boys, that was considered normal. I can’t change what I did. I shouldn’t have been driving that night. Sam Kinison, wherever you are, I’m sorry, and I miss you. Waka waka.”

21. Janice

Janice’s alcohol-related rap sheet is relatively tame for a member of The Electric Mayhem. Three arrests for disorderly conduct, two for driving under the influence, and one for breaking into a random family’s home and falling asleep in the kitchen.

20. Lew Zealand

You don’t wind up as a fish boomerang expert living the clean life.

19. Uncle Deadly

People think he got his name from his ghastly appearance, but really it’s all the drunk driving arrests. But he comes from a rich family so he’s never done any real time.

18. Rizzo the Rat

Rizzo likes to party as much as the next muppet, but the second someone says cop he’s gone. Even when he’s three sheets to the wind he’s fast, agile, and determined not to go back to prison.

17. Clifford

Clifford started hitting the bottle hard when the pressure of hosting Muppets Tonight started to get to him. He wound up creating a work environment so volatile he made Jimmy Fallon look like Mr. Rogers.

16. Bobo the Bear

You would think rebranding as a healthy lifestyle influencer in the early ’00s would slow Bobo’s roll but guess again. Bobo is a classic problem drinker, so when he goes, he goes hard. His antics have earned him a lifelong ban from the Webby Awards, and Beauregard has had to drive him everywhere since he lost his license in 2017.

“Radiohead’s Music Saved My Life” Says Man Whose Life Was Actually Saved by Paramedic With Imagine Dragons Tattoo

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local alternative music fan Devin Entmacher credited his life being saved by art rock band Radiohead despite him actually being rescued by complete stranger Derek Sanders, who has a prominent Imagine Dragons tattoo, sources confirmed.

“I can honestly say that I couldn’t have gotten through that horrific accident where I overdosed and crashed my car into a lake without ‘OK Computer’ playing on repeat. That and I guess the dude that dived in, pulled me out, and swam me to shore, where he administered Narcan. Long story short, Thom Yorke is a savior,” said Entmacher. “But anyway, as I was lying there unresponsive it was like I could hear the avant-garde and transcendent music of Radiohead calling me back to this world. While I was out cold I remember seeing an Imagine Dragons tattoo staring me right in my face for some reason. Not sure what that was all about. I guess angels are into bad pop music.”

Sanders claims Imagine Dragons inspired him to become a paramedic.

“Yeah, I mean it’s not that complicated. The guy needed help and I feel good when I help people. That’s just all part of being a Fire Breather,” said Sanders. “I just love this job. You get to meet all kinds of interesting folks. Like when that ODing guy woke up he was talking about all these things like the symbolism in ‘In Rainbows’ and the metaphors in ‘The King of Limbs.’ I’ve never heard of any of that stuff. People who have near-death experiences say the wildest things.”

Dr. Lauren Dy, who treated Entmacher once he was rushed to a hospital, stressed the importance of Sander’s more mainstream and hasty medical intervention.

“Without a doubt Mr. Sander’s pseudo-Christian and swift actions saved the patient’s life,” said Dr. Dy. “I cannot stress how important the immediate application of naloxone is in these situations. While the barebones, abstruse lyricism of ‘Kid A’ might help a marginal amount during the recovery process, Mr. Entmacher would undoubtedly be dead without the straight-foward, heavy-handed medical attention he received. As we all know, Radiohead hasn’t saved a single life. Modern medicine has.”

At press time, Sanders also revealed that The Cure got him through another difficult time in his life despite him actually getting through it thanks to his trust fund that was set up by his parents who mainly listen to Mozart and Beethoven.

The Next Dracula? This Eastern European Guy Just Bit Me

HELP! Please you have to do something, I’m not sure how much time I have left until I turn. As you can see, I’ve clearly been bitten and holy fuck does it hurt. I don’t think antiseptics are going to fix this problem, because this injury may involve intervention from the church.

If you would believe it, we may have the next Dracula on our hands because this random Eastern European guy is the one who just bit me.

Now I’m no Johnathan Harker, despite my three-week stint selling real estate after college, but I think I know when I’m about to become the victim of someone’s insatiable bloodlust. If he weren’t from the Order of the Dragon, why was he morbidly pale, dressed in all black, and wearing so many gold chains? All he was missing was the widow’s peak hairline!

Alright so maybe I thought all vampires looked like the ones from “Tru Blood” or the goths that hang out at the mall and not middle-aged dudes in Adidas tracksuits, especially with so much body hair. Now that I think about it he could be part werewolf.

Before you ask, I am fully aware that the likelihood of this man being an immortal, wealthy, and undead nobleman are slim to none. But I can’t rule out the possibility of him not having been bitten by a vampire at some point in his life, and that’s probably what led him to take a chunk out of my shoulder as I fought over the last pack of Chesterfield cigs at the bodega. It must be nice to smoke all you want and not get cancer, Vlad!

There is no way he was human, given how fast he went from a squat to being at my throat. In his defense though, I did call him a “Romanian fuckwad” and he looked more Maldovan or Hungarian. I’m pretty sure wherever in the former Eastern Bloc he hails from is littered with ominous castles where he was up to unsavory vampiric shenanigans, I assume.

But now that the sun is finally rising, he can’t bleed me dry or beat me half to death for being ignorant about European geography. Wait is that… oh shit it’s him! But that’s impossible! Well, this can only mean one thing: he’s one of those daywalkers.

Welp, false alarm everyone! If you’ll excuse me, I need to go katana shopping.

Prog Rock Drummer’s Newest Cymbal Just For Decoration

BOSTON — Local prog rock drummer Anthony St. Reed of the outfit Milton’s Quill debuted his new cymbal that’s “just for decoration,” confirmed sources who had some follow-up questions.

“I just thought this new crash tied the kit together,” St. Reed said while also browsing for decorative floor toms online. “I didn’t really test how well it sounds nor did I even try it out at the store — that’s what the other 17 cymbals are for. But placing it in the right spot where the light reflects off it is the chef’s kiss. We prog rockers aren’t known for our flashiness, so I’m happy to add some razzle dazzle while a rat-a-tat-tat. This cymbal is merely for the audience’s visual enjoyment.”

St. Reed’s aesthetically pleasing cymbal caught the attention of the only woman in attendance at yesterday’s Milton’s Quill show.

“I mean, it just made the whole kit POP!” said Michelle Sullivan, who attended the show with her boyfriend. “As someone who watches a lot of design shows on HGTV, I loved what he was trying to do here. The size, the color, the symmetry — all impressive. Even impressive enough to look past the two cowbells he plays. The cymbal was elegant yet screamed, ‘HERE I AM!’ This new addition made the band’s three-hour set easier to watch. I will definitely be attending their next show to get a better look at that percussive marvel.”

St. Reed’s new cymbal even caught the attention of local players, most of them not currently in bands.

“As a fellow skinsman, I’ve been tallying how often he’s hit that new crash,” said local drum expert Dan Cleardale. “My stats indicate he’s lagging behind compared to the other cymbals in his kit. Like, by a large margin. For instance, he’s already hit his splash 352 times in their first two songs, but he barely touched that crash during his 12 minute solo. If that were me, I’d be playing so much tighter if I had that cymbal. There should be more sticks marks on that bad boy!”

At press time, Milton’s Quill guitarist was seen buying a new full-stack amplifier that would be used only as an on-stage ornament during upcoming shows.

30 Hardcore Albums That Turn 30 This Year To Remind You That Time Is A Cruel Mistress and That You Need to Schedule a Colonoscopy

There’s always a lot of talk about how 1994 was the year of punk with all the mainstream success of bands like Green Day, The Offspring, Sonic Youth, and all that other lame non-hardcore shit. Real ones know 1994 was the year of hardcore. 1989 through 1993 was an awkward time for hardcore and society in general. That transition time period was when the genre moved away from the punky fastness of ‘80s hardcore and started to pull in some heavier metal influences.

We realize it’s probably been a long time since you’ve thought about a lot of these bands and you may have a hard time even remembering them in your declining years (have you taken your ginkgo biloba and Centrum Silver yet today by the way?) so we’ve compiled a list of thirty hardcore albums (and seven inches) that came out thirty years ago to help ease you into your midlife crisis. DISCLAIMER: You may feel the need to get up out of your comfortable chair and start moshing around your living room but we suggest consulting your doctor first.

Madball “Set It Off”

We’re setting things off in the most setting-it-off way possible. New York Hardcore luminaries Madball actually set things off in the late ‘80s but it wasn’t until their first major label release in ‘94 that it was officially set to the off position. This album is so New York it hops turnstiles and knocks over Times Square tourists for walking too slow. I’m too scared to critique it in any way so let’s just say 10/10 would listen again.

Unbroken “Life Love Regret”

Easily one of the most beloved albums of 1994 if not the whole decade. Unbroken went back to the lab after their first LP Ritual and emerged with just the mixture of Slayer riffs, rock rhythms, and pile-on singalongs. Sure, it’s a little rough in a “we only have time for one take for every song” kind of way but if you want musical precision maybe stick with Yngwie Malmsteen.

Strife “One Truth”

The rumor was it cost over $50k to record ‘One Truth” which was an absurd amount for a hardcore album thirty years ago and honestly is almost more absurd today. That money was put to good use though because this actually sounds like it was recorded in a real studio and not your cousin Kyle’s basement with a Mr. Microphone like most bands at the time put out.

108 “Songs of Separation”

The rise of Krishna-core in the early ‘90s is still truly kind of mind-boggling. I prefer to gloss over the hows and whys of it all and the fact that Krishna is essentially a pyramid scheme for white suburban kids to cosplay as Eastern mystics and instead focus on how much these dudes rocked the shit. Also, their homemade peanut butter cups were delicious.

Chokehold “Instilled” 7”

These angry Canadians embodied everything that made ‘90s hardcore so ‘90s hardcore: unapologetic anger, militant veganism, simplistic political worldviews, and questionable musicianship. Their 30-minute long pauses during live shows in an attempt to tune their guitars and never getting it quite right is the stuff of legends.

Merauder “Master Killer”

Meruader rode that line between hardcore and thrash crossover to perfection. It’s the soundtrack to getting a bloody nose from a roundhouse kick to the face at a CBGB matinee show because you tried to impress some girls by going into the pit (or so I heard from a buddy of mine, definitely not a thing that happened to me personally that I still lie awake at night thinking about).

Bloodlet “Shell” 7”

When I was younger I once played Bloodlet for a girlfriend and she said it sounded like a “bad Korn ripoff.” Well obviously her musical tastes were as bad as my judgment of character in dating partners. I’ve heard Bloodlet described as “evil core” which is a little cringey but I guess it’s accurate.

Swing Kids Self-Titled 7”

San Diego area supergroup of sorts that had members of Unbroken and The Locust. They successfully mixed in some free jazz elements and also covered Joy Division which were both things a lot of bands were trying to do at the time but typically with disastrous results. They get style points all around except for that wedding invitation font they used for their logo.

Sick Of It All “Scratch The Surface”

SOIA were already New York Hardcore legends by 1994 but reached a much larger audience with their first major label release “Scratch The Surface” which had a slightly less serious vibe than their previous releases and was actually a pretty fun listen. It probably didn’t hurt either that the video for “Step Down” was featured on an episode of “Beavis and Butthead” that was played ad nauseam in every college dorm room.

Mouthpiece “What Was Said”

These New Jersey edge warrior heartthrobs continued both the sound and aesthetics of their predecessors Chain Of Strength in their clean-cut hairdos and vintage varsity jackets. Mouthpiece asked the question What Remains while Strife’s question was What Will Remain? Now that it is three decades later I honestly still don’t know what it is that remains other than a blank empty void of nothingness and a receding hariline.

Downset Self-Titled

These guys were probably pretty sick of being compared to Rage Against The Machine by 1994 which might explain why they included a lyrical bitch slap about Zach de la Rocha in “Anger”. They later overdubbed the song to remove those parts of the lyrics for some reason and it sounds like an edited-for-TV movie. Remember the TV version of “Die Hard 2” when Bruce Willis says “Yippee Ki-yay MISTER FALCON”? It’s like that.

Orange 9mm Self-Titled EP

Chaka Malik’s not quite singing yet not quite rapping style fits even better with the grooviness on this record than in his previous band Burn. They re-recorded three of these songs when they got scooped up by EastWest Records in the frenzy of major labels looking for their next big alt-rock hit but unfortunately never quite found that mainstream audience. Chaka has since become an anti-vaxxer loonie bird though so maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

Outspoken “The Current”

Mike Hartsfeld’s husky vocals made it so Outspoken kind of sounds like if Henry Rollins fronted a straight edge band (Have Heart would continue this a decade later.) Their output was hit or miss on the quality but things all came together for them on what would be their final release in 1994. Hartsfeld also ran New Age Records which I always like to picture all the crystal bedazzled hippie moms who got duped by the name of that label and bought this album because the cover looked like some kind of guided Zen meditation CD.

Snapcase “Lookinglasself”

Okay so I think this actually came out in ‘93 but whatever, it’s close enough, and coming up with 30 hardcore albums from 1994 was harder than I thought it would be. Snapcase’s first full-length and (spicy old man hot take incoming) I think it’s their best. Those DOO-DEE-DEE-DEE-DI-DEE riffs just get stuck in my head. This was a huge album that everyone was listening to in nineteen-ninety thr… I mean four.

Avail “Dixie”

If you didn’t wear a backpack with that “Avail ‘Attempt To Regress’” patch on it you might as well not even bothered to go to a show in 1994. Speaking of shows, Avail at this time period had some of the best, most energetic shows that live in infamy to this day. I think every song on this album is about either living in Richmond VA or leaving Richmond VA and wishing you could go back to Richmond VA.

What’s the Deal With Airline Whistleblowers Mysteriously Dying? (Guest Article by Jerry Seinfeld)

So I was reading the newspaper today and I couldn’t help but think, what’s the deal with airline whistleblowers being found with their brains blown out? Was the whistle they were blowing actually a loaded gun? And why is it always a gunshot to the head right before a guy testifies against a major corporation with massive financial stakes? I mean hello, this guy worked for the company for 32 years, he clearly knew a thing or two. Maybe he just didn’t want to write it all down, maybe he thought it would be easier to splatter his brain against the wall of a hotel room, and what’s the deal with those hotel room keys?

Who brings a gun to a hotel anyway? The only way I believe he shot himself is if there’s proof that he accidentally took something from the mini-bar. Have you seen what they change in these things? $15 for a bag of M&M’s! And they have it under alarms and motion sensors. I feel like I’m stealing the Mona Lisa using those things! It might be called a “mini-bar,” but those prices are maxed out. One time I accidentally drank one of the bottled waters next to my bed, I looked at the price tag and it said I’d have to give them my 1970 Porsche 908/03 Spyder, suicide seems like a good option in that scenario.

I suspect some foul play. And why do they call it foul play? Did a bunch of ducks start a pick-up game of basketball before shooting this guy and staging it to make it look like the gunshot was self-inflicted? You have to assume the assassin who carried out the hit is worried. I mean what’s the deal with an assassin’s to-do list?

  • Walk the dog
  • Grab some bread
  • Murder a man with enough information to bring down the world’s biggest multinational corporations
  • Pick up Lucy from field hockey

I mean it’s madness, where does it end? I just hope that the assassin didn’t grab anything from the mini-bar on the way out.

What’s the deal with people labeling me a conspiracy theorist for raising a few questions? And what’s the deal with the random letter I got in my mailbox that says “Shut your mouth or you’ll wind up dead too”? And why was it on Boeing letterhead? I mean what’s the deal murder for hire these days? Do you pay up front? Do you pay half and then pay the rest when the guy shows up with a few photos of a dead body? Make sure you tip the waitstaff and if you have information about multibillion-dollar corporations that could destroy their bottom line make sure you stay anonymous.

“Trailer Park Boys” Characters Ranked by Class Consciousness

“Trailer Park Boys” is a cultural classic in Canada. Zany antics, good dope, and holy fuck the boys. A motley crew of colorful, degenerate characters and physical humor that gives your lungs a workout with every watch.

It is also a potent examination of a class of society normally played for laughs, humanizing a group of people who normally exist as a punchline. It even included some solid hits for LBGTQ representation with Randy Bobandy and Jim Lahey, back when “Will and Grace” was the most mainstream depiction of gay men. There was also a strong sense of class unity among these characters, all from different walks of life uniting at times despite their differences for the sake of their community (just like punks).

So in honor of this groundbreaking show (mockumentary in the early 2000s, suck it “The Office”), we have gone and ranked every prominent character on the show based on how much they care for their class (or the park as a whole).

30. Officer George Green

Coming in dead last is the dumbest cop on the force. This man is the epitome of a class traitor, happily turning down the opportunity to help his community while being the face of law enforcement incompetence in the show. ACAB.

29. Bernie Sanford

Head of the International Association of Trailer Park Supervisors and Assistant Trailer Park Supervisors, Bernie Sanford represents the meeting point of Capital and the State Monopoly on violence via the right hook, Bernie is a man of profits above people, even raining on the legendary wrestling match between Ricky and the Green Bastard (Parts Unknown), destroying community spirit. No candy for you Bernie.

28. Tom Collins

This man got educated, and instead of using his big fancy school learning to raise the living standards of everyone in the park, he bought himself a Camaro. Ca-Mar-O, serving as an attempt to elevate him above his community and family with this shallow status symbol. Just homemade fuck offs.

27. Barbara Lahey

A nepo baby who holds open contempt for every member of her community, she even found a way to co-opt the sacred institution of polyamory into her abuse of power with her relationship with Randy and Lahey. All while still taking advantage of the lower prices of trailer living, and its perks. Piss off Barb, your scalloped potatoes are fucked.

26. Cyrus

This heavy metal dick cares not for his fellow human, holding up the park in the pilot, steering his Corvette as he sees fit, making him both a wild card and a threat to the park as a whole. That leather jacket ain’t fooling anyone you poser hack, and your trigger discipline is dangerous to all around you. Go back to the trees with Sam, you ain’t done evolving yet you dummy. Now Fuck off we got work to do.

25. Private Dancer

Not only is he the face of the military-industrial complex and the only human capable of matching Jim Lahey in terms of liquor consumption, shot for shot, but also a perfect waste of a good stripper name on such a nincompoop. The shit icing on the cake comes in the form of trying to bulldoze the park with a tank, and displacing marginalized people to even worse situations is no bueno for your fellow park dwellers.

24. Candy

Lackey to a Lahey, Candy served as muscle for Barb in the ill-fated season 10, exercising violence on behalf of a capitalist overlord. A player hater all around who dresses punker than she actually is. Serving those in power for your own gain is most certainly not just shitty behavior, but adopting cultural dress without understanding its origins is the dictionary definition of cultural appropriation. Don’t be a henchman, stand on your laurels.

23. Conky

Oh you bet that cocksucker hates his fellow park residents, but not out of malice to the lower classes, just simply as a manifestation of brooding resentment buried deep in Bubbles’ subconsciousness, being what is referred to as a hater. But if we could direct his hate towards the ruling class, and turn him to our side, he could be a powerful ally. STOOPID!

22. Erica

Julian’s one-time cop girlfriend, Erica at least made an attempt to understand the root cause of crime by befriending the boys and attempting to find the source of their criminality. Unfortunately, she ended up arresting her then-lover and his best friend in the least erotic scenario involving handcuffs imaginable, proving that despite any posturing to the contrary, ACAB.

21. Terry and Dennis

The first dynamic duo on this list, at first the Flappy brothers were introduced offering business opportunities to some recently released ex-convicts, by way of a brick of hash. But then they had to go and spoil it by collaborating with the most selfish characters in the show, while living off the spoils of others as drug dealers who live with their grandma, so their loyalty starts and ends at the robes.

20. Bottle Kids

Agents of youthful aggression and agents of the shitwinds, they rain glass hellfire on any and everyone in their vicinity, causing a communal shitstorm for all, so at least they have a good comprehension of direct action. Let’s bet $20 to say that they could harness that youthful energy towards more constructive causes if they start reading books like Julian.

19. Lucy

The compassionate mother to Trinity, and on again off again flame to Ricky and almost everyone in the park, she knows the value of community involvement. But let’s not forget that she would have happily sold out everyone in the park for George Green. Do no banging behind the muffler shop.

18. Corey and Trevor

Corey and Trevor are the type of guys who will sell out to the highest bidder, but generally have a decent sense of morality while being not much more intelligent than a house cat or dog, so you really can’t blame them for following their master. Ironic since both Corey Bowles and Michael Jackson (Canadian Actor) both quit the show over a pay dispute. Regardless, smokes, let’s go.

17. Jacob Collins

The once store clerk turned park resident and replacement Trevor, Jacob has more brain cells than Corey and Trevor put together, rendering him able for whatever endeavor comes his way. And he later bornts Ricky’s grandson via his cock, caring for the next generation with or without financial compensation. Not bad for a former meat dick.

16. Sam Losco

When he’s not brushing his big ole cave teeth with a log, he’s soliciting political support with homemade hot dogs or stitching up gunshot wounds of criminals for some extra cash, guaranteeing that they won’t be arrested. A soldier of cave fortune if you ever knew one, he’s no ally, but if you’re in a pinch, return to monkey with this cave troll.

Drug Dealer’s 1000th Customer Wins Free Explanation of How the Government Really Works

TWIN FALLS, Idaho — A local drug dealer’s 1,000th customer was lucky enough to win a free explanation of how the government “really” works, confirmed sources who desperately tried to think of any excuse to leave but couldn’t come up with anything plausible.

“It wasn’t until the second hour of his rant that I started to question every life decision that brought me to this exact moment in time,” said Joey Pulton before checking his phone for the 85th time since he’s been there. “Had I known he was going to go on and on about how the global elites control everything and that they’re not actually reptilian humanoids but in fact amphibian, I would’ve gotten my cocaine from a more introverted dealer. Unfortunately, he didn’t stop there. He also told me that Earth was not round, or even flat, but in reality a cube. Let’s just say I don’t think I’ll be coming back to this guy for all my stimulant needs.”

Drug dealer Jack “And Coke” Baldchamber had complete conviction in his explanation of the government.

“You see, there’s actually a deep state within the deep state. It’s a cabal of people who drink the blood of baby whales. And they definitely faked the Mars landing so that we’d have to be dependent on 5G because the vaccine turned us magnetic,” said Baldchamber. “Anyway, I’m just so grateful to have Joey as a patron. For some reason, I don’t see a lot of returning customers anymore. I just assume most people don’t consume more than one dose total nowadays. But hey, that’s all part of the business of dealing drugs to sheeple who always look like they’re hearing about how the system actually works for the first time in their lives.”

Experts believe there are a lot more people like Baldchamber out there than we even know.

“We’re seeing more and more individuals without college or even high school degrees believe that they understand how government truly operates,” said political analyst Janet Brownstone. “And while there is indeed rampant corruption occurring on the state and federal levels, these people focus on outlandish claims that sound more like the plot of a sci-fi movie than the reality that politicians are just bought by mega-corporations to protect their interests and profits. If we’re going to distrust the government, at least make sure your reasoning is believable.”

At press time, Pulton had no choice but to point in a far-off direction, yell “What’s that,” and run away from Baldchamber without ever receiving the drugs that he had already purchased.

I Know I Said I Liked Smart Women but by ‘Smart’ I Meant Dumber Than Me, so Now We Have to Break Up

Dearest Katie,

It pains me to have to write you this since we’ve spent so much time together over the past few months, but alas, there’s just no other way. I want you to know that I enjoyed our time getting to know each other so I’ll try to always remember the laughs we shared, not the pain that your higher intelligence caused our relationship.

When I stated in my online profile that I not only liked, but preferred smart women, I assumed it was implied that you’d still have to be the dumber one. I guess message not received. I don’t want you to don’t blame yourself, but certainly don’t blame me. You should be old enough to know that when men say we want a girl with a brain we mean it has to be relative to ours. Then again if you’re so smart maybe you should have seen this coming.

Don’t get me wrong, and please don’t tell your attractive single female friends otherwise, but I am still a fierce feminist ally just like the T-shirts I wear say. I will always support strong-minded, independent, resourceful women. I think this planet needs more of you to finally take down the patriarchy and challenge men’s skewed worldviews, just not when it comes to challenging my specific one. Some things are just better in theory.

If you want some advice for your next relationship, maybe don’t brag about your big brain so much. I didn’t need to know about the books you’ve read, all the diplomas you obtained or the places you’ve been. I’ve been to plenty of exotic places too, but you never seemed interested about my time backpacking in the Dakotas or when I visited the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.

Perhaps our paths will cross again, maybe when we’re a little bit older and blessed with more life experience. How about we make a pact. If we’re both still unmarried in ten years, let’s get married. As long as both of our visions for the future and our expectations in a partner lineup, and obviously as long as your IQ plummets to where we can have a conversation without me having to Google all those big words you like to shove down my throat.

Sincerely,
Brad

Man Buying Records at Target Also Buys Condoms to Make It Less Weird at Checkout

SAYVILLE, N.Y. — Local man Dave Greggory added a pack of condoms to his handbasket to distract from the fact that he was about to purchase records at Target, sources confirmed.

“I went with the XXL magnum ones to make it less awkward,” said Greggory while standing in line to check out. “I’m not sure if I’m getting side-eyed looks because I’m buying vinyl at a corporate retail chain or that I’m purchasing a record from Imagine Dragons. Regardless, my strategy is to put the condoms on the conveyor belt first to offset the remaining transactions. Sure, I could just go to the self-checkout, but the last time I did that, the machine malfunctioned and no less than a dozen Target employees came to help only to stare directly at my Twenty One Pilots record I was about to buy for several seconds. Believe me, this plan is what’s best for all parties involved.”

Target cashier Barry Nepil wasn’t fooled in the slightest by the purchase.

“At one point, the guy acted like someone else put the record in his basket like he wasn’t actively choosing to buy it. But then he went ahead and bought it anyway,” said Nepil. “Immediately after, I noticed him returning the condoms at customer service he had also purchased. It’s a sad state of affairs for people like this. That’s why I buy all my records at Barnes and Noble where I can also buy a book or two that I end up just throwing in the garbage outside the store. Books are a much more convincing distraction for the cashier.”

Experts have been seeing odd consumer patterns like this emerge recently.

“We’re seeing more and more people buy vinyl from unorthodox retail locations as opposed to local establishments,” said consumer behavior specialist Barry Wisenberg. “But we’re also seeing a rise in shame from the same folks who buy music from places where you can also purchase toilet paper, apparel, and televisions. For instance, studies have shown that even if someone orders a record from Amazon, chances are they’re also buying condoms or something to distract from the main purchase. Let’s be honest, no one who buys a Radiohead album off Amazon is having sex. But they still attempt to distract Amazon anyway.”

At press time, Greggory was seen buying tampons to distract from the fact he was about to purchase a record player from Target despite him not knowing any women.