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What’s the Deal With Airline Whistleblowers Mysteriously Dying? (Guest Article by Jerry Seinfeld)

So I was reading the newspaper today and I couldn’t help but think, what’s the deal with airline whistleblowers being found with their brains blown out? Was the whistle they were blowing actually a loaded gun? And why is it always a gunshot to the head right before a guy testifies against a major corporation with massive financial stakes? I mean hello, this guy worked for the company for 32 years, he clearly knew a thing or two. Maybe he just didn’t want to write it all down, maybe he thought it would be easier to splatter his brain against the wall of a hotel room, and what’s the deal with those hotel room keys?

Who brings a gun to a hotel anyway? The only way I believe he shot himself is if there’s proof that he accidentally took something from the mini-bar. Have you seen what they change in these things? $15 for a bag of M&M’s! And they have it under alarms and motion sensors. I feel like I’m stealing the Mona Lisa using those things! It might be called a “mini-bar,” but those prices are maxed out. One time I accidentally drank one of the bottled waters next to my bed, I looked at the price tag and it said I’d have to give them my 1970 Porsche 908/03 Spyder, suicide seems like a good option in that scenario.

I suspect some foul play. And why do they call it foul play? Did a bunch of ducks start a pick-up game of basketball before shooting this guy and staging it to make it look like the gunshot was self-inflicted? You have to assume the assassin who carried out the hit is worried. I mean what’s the deal with an assassin’s to-do list?

  • Walk the dog
  • Grab some bread
  • Murder a man with enough information to bring down the world’s biggest multinational corporations
  • Pick up Lucy from field hockey

I mean it’s madness, where does it end? I just hope that the assassin didn’t grab anything from the mini-bar on the way out.

What’s the deal with people labeling me a conspiracy theorist for raising a few questions? And what’s the deal with the random letter I got in my mailbox that says “Shut your mouth or you’ll wind up dead too”? And why was it on Boeing letterhead? I mean what’s the deal murder for hire these days? Do you pay up front? Do you pay half and then pay the rest when the guy shows up with a few photos of a dead body? Make sure you tip the waitstaff and if you have information about multibillion-dollar corporations that could destroy their bottom line make sure you stay anonymous.