15. Robin the Frog
We all know it’s tough to be a child star and we all know it ain’t easy being green. Sadly, Robin found the solution to both problems at the bottom of a bottle at a very young age.
14. Crazy Harry
He’s always drunk and he’s always blowing shit up without a permit. At this point, Crazy Harry has spent more time on the inside than out.
13. Statler and Waldorf
The aged theater hecklers certainly know how to handle their liquor, but police are always looking for any excuse to bust them due to the duo’s merciless taunts. They’ve spent many a night in the drunk take over crimes as minor as a busted tail light and jaywalking.
12. Zoot
Zoot likes to get on his high horse about being the only member of The Electric Mayhem who has never gotten in trouble for driving drunk. Pretty big talk for a guy who drunkenly crashed 4 houseboats and stood trial for manslaughter twice.
11. Floyd Pepper
Floyd loves three things—his band, abusing alcohol, and starting fires under the influence of alcohol.
10. Scooter
Scooter’s uncle owns the Muppet’s theater and he takes full advantage of those perks.
9. Beaker
On the East Coast, you won’t find a single strip club with a happy hour that doesn’t have a picture of Beaker posted behind the bar with the caption “Do Not Serve.” He is a menace.
8. Lips
You might think Lips got his name from playing the trumpet, but in reality, it’s because off stage his lips are always wrapped around a bottle of Wild Turkey.
7. Dr. Teeth
Dr. Teeth’s obsession with maintaining The Electric Mayhem’s dangerous rock star image has come at great personal and legal cost. He’s always starting trouble at clubs and he’s not happy until the police call for backup and the news crew is there to capture him biting the arresting officers. Most recently he was arrested, visibly intoxicated, trying to bring cocaine, oxycontin, and a gun onto an airplane along with several members of The River Bottom Nightmare Band.
6. The Swedish Chef
If you catch Swedish Chef in the morning he is one of the most articulate, insightful men you will ever meet with full command of the English language. By noon he drinks himself into the stupor you see on television. That’s not a real language he’s speaking, dude’s never even been to Sweden.
5. Link Hogthrob
If Link had a dollar for every time he’s been filmed drunkenly shouting “Do you know who the fuck I am?!” while being escorted from a fast food place in handcuffs, he wouldn’t be bankrupt today.
4. Sam the Eagle
For years Sam the Eagle enjoyed a public image as the most strait-laced muppet—a moral, values-based conservative in the sea of liberal puppets. Then in the mid-’90s video surfaced of a drunken altercation between Sam and a police officer whom he is heard addressing as “Officer Sugar-Beak.” He refused to participate in a sobriety check and went on a tirade of extremely unsavory political views, going so far as to claim “The Frogs are responsible for all war.” Since then it’s been a steady stream of public outbursts and legal problems. It’s pretty shocking that he’s still working honestly.
3. Kermit the Frog
Every St. Patrick’s Day it’s the same thing. Kermit goes to a bar, has a few too many, and starts talking shit about the first person he sees not wearing green. “What’s this guy’s problem? Doesn’t he know what day it is? Must be trying to get his ASS BEAT or something!” He just keeps hammering and hammering until the patron can’t ignore him any longer and confronts him. That’s when Kermit smashes a bottle in his face, holds the neck of it to the poor guy’s throat, and screams “What’s wrong with being green? What’s wrong with being GREEN motherfucker?!” over and over until the police arrive and pull him away.
2. Miss Piggy
Piggy isn’t an alcoholic per se. Her real addiction is attention, and when she was arrested for belligerently assaulting a Dress Barn cashier in 1994 she got plenty of it. Since that incident, and the resulting media circus around it, whenever she feels like the world isn’t giving enough notice to “Muah,” she gets hammered and stages an over-the-top public meltdown just to get on TMZ.
1. Animal
How big of a booze hound is Animal? Well, for starters, his real name is Clarence. Don’t feel dumb for not knowing that, he doesn’t remember half the time either. On any given weekend Animal drinks enough booze to kill John Bonham, Keith Moon, and Amy Winehouse combined, but as a muppet, he can’t die. He just devolves further and further into bacchanal insanity. During his legendary drum battle with Buddy Rich, Animal was so inebriated he couldn’t say his trademark catchphrase “Aaaaaagggh!” Still, no matter how drunk he gets, his drumming is always on point, and it is that gift/curse of functional alcoholism and immortality that will keep Animal a slave to John Barleycorn forever.
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