SAYVILLE, N.Y. — Local man Dave Greggory added a pack of condoms to his handbasket to distract from the fact that he was about to purchase records at Target, sources confirmed.
“I went with the XXL magnum ones to make it less awkward,” said Greggory while standing in line to check out. “I’m not sure if I’m getting side-eyed looks because I’m buying vinyl at a corporate retail chain or that I’m purchasing a record from Imagine Dragons. Regardless, my strategy is to put the condoms on the conveyor belt first to offset the remaining transactions. Sure, I could just go to the self-checkout, but the last time I did that, the machine malfunctioned and no less than a dozen Target employees came to help only to stare directly at my Twenty One Pilots record I was about to buy for several seconds. Believe me, this plan is what’s best for all parties involved.”
Target cashier Barry Nepil wasn’t fooled in the slightest by the purchase.
“At one point, the guy acted like someone else put the record in his basket like he wasn’t actively choosing to buy it. But then he went ahead and bought it anyway,” said Nepil. “Immediately after, I noticed him returning the condoms at customer service he had also purchased. It’s a sad state of affairs for people like this. That’s why I buy all my records at Barnes and Noble where I can also buy a book or two that I end up just throwing in the garbage outside the store. Books are a much more convincing distraction for the cashier.”
Experts have been seeing odd consumer patterns like this emerge recently.
“We’re seeing more and more people buy vinyl from unorthodox retail locations as opposed to local establishments,” said consumer behavior specialist Barry Wisenberg. “But we’re also seeing a rise in shame from the same folks who buy music from places where you can also purchase toilet paper, apparel, and televisions. For instance, studies have shown that even if someone orders a record from Amazon, chances are they’re also buying condoms or something to distract from the main purchase. Let’s be honest, no one who buys a Radiohead album off Amazon is having sex. But they still attempt to distract Amazon anyway.”
At press time, Greggory was seen buying tampons to distract from the fact he was about to purchase a record player from Target despite him not knowing any women.