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Procrastinating Punk Band Nearly Finished with Bush Protest Album

GREELEY, Colo. — Local band Yellowcake Uranium issued a statement on their website’s message board hinting that they’re almost done with their “epic takedown of the Bush regime” nearly 16 years after he left office, according to someone who navigated to the post accidentally.

“We’re psyched to be so close to getting this record out,” said singer Brian “Skiv” Rivers as he lit a Camel Crush. “It’s taking a while, but it’s going to be worth it when the neocon war criminals get a load of the pure vitriol of songs like ‘Helliburton’ or ‘Mother Of All Bombs.’ This is really weighty stuff, so it’s important that we take some time to relax so we can avoid burnout. We’ve got a PS2 in our rehearsal space for when things get too intense. Sometimes, all we can do is smoke weed and play ‘GTA San Andreas’ for a few hours. That’s how heavy this shit is.”

While most of the band members are okay with taking their time, at least one feels like the process of creating the record has been dragging on too long.

“I don’t want to put pressure on the other guys, but I feel like we need to wrap this thing up,” said drummer Cliff Stilson. “I’m worried that some of the album’s best songs might seem dated since the Iraq and Afghanistan wars have been over for years now. I mean, Skiv’s been trying to choose the perfect Bush sample for the intro for like eight years now. I can’t even remember the last time we played out. Honestly, I’ve got more pressing things to think about, like how I’m going to pay for my kids’ colleges.”

Cynthia Carney, a life coach who specializes in creativity and procrastination, has experience with artists in Yellowcake Uranium’s situation.

“The desire to create something great can be so intimidating that it’s tempting to find ways to avoid working on the project altogether,” said Carney. “Additionally, if you actually finish something, it can then be judged, which is quite scary. However, if you are perpetually ‘working on it,’ the project can exist in a sort of superposition like Schrödinger’s cat, meaning there’s still a chance it could be great. Or it could suck ass—no one can know until it comes out.”

At press time, the estate of Donald Rumsfeld condemned a leaked demo called “Rumsfeld At The Hague” as “somewhat disrespectful to the deceased former Secretary of Defense.”