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Family Bible Passed Down for Five Generations Hasn’t Been Read in Five Generations

BOISE, Idaho — A local family admitted they haven’t read a single word of the Bible that has been with their family for five generations as a treasured heirloom, sources confirm.

“You know, I get all misty-eyed when I think of all the times our family would almost try to huddle together on that worn-out basement couch, eyes glued to those wise words of scripture that we just can’t seem to get rid of,” said Ronald Gibson, who has made numerous attempts over the years to pawn the book for no less than $250. “The kids would be exhausted after a long day but I imagine they’d still hang on my every word as I’d tell the stories of…well, the particularities aren’t important. But that book has kept the Gibsons a God-fearing family for 125 years. My predecessors would be proud that we still have their Bible displayed in our attic somewhere. At least I think that’s where it is.”

Lorraine Gibson didn’t seem to have the same reverence for the heirloom, which reeks of mildew from being carelessly tossed next to the water heater.

“I honestly get a little weirded out when I think about how many of my ancestor’s hands have held this book. It was originally gifted to my great, great grandfather Henry after allegedly a lifetime of service to his local church,” claimed the mother of three. “I only later discovered that the book was kept by Henry after using it to beat a homeowner to death while committing a home invasion. Someone else in our family later used the book primarily as a prop for when their parole officer came by. It’s more of a curse than a cherished memento.”

Family psychologist Samuel Briddon was quick to note that it’s far from uncommon for families like the Gibsons to ignore a relic in such a way.

“Families lie about this sort of thing constantly. Whether it’s claiming to still use granddad’s old baseball glove for a game of catch, or dishonestly describing their love of grandma’s pressed flower art, people will say anything to hide their true hideous nature,” said Briddon. “We actually found that 95% of items that are passed down are eventually just thrown away anyway. It just takes a good six or seven decades to do so. All of us die and so should our crap we’ve accumulated over a lifetime.”

At press time, the Gibson parents had informed their children that they would be receiving the copy of the Bible upon their death in lieu of any sort of inheritance.