We Sit Down with the One Guy Whose Student Loans Were Canceled by Biden

President Biden’s SAVE plan, his audacious agenda to cancel student loans for millions of Americans, was immediately embraced by the public when it was revealed in 2022. The President’s administration recently announced it will hand out $1.2 billion to wipe out Federal education loans starting this year, specifically paying it out entirely to Jackson Lemming of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. The Hard Times was fortunate enough to sit down with him and talk about being the recipient of this historic windfall.

Hard Times: Jackson, you’re the envy of the nation. How did you take the news of your loans being forgiven?

Jackson Lemming: I didn’t believe it at first. Apparently they had sent me a certified letter, but looked exactly like a bill so it immediately went into the trash. They ended up having to send some G-Men to my house to tell me the loans were forgiven like I’d won the Publishers Clearing House prize.

HT: That must’ve been quite a shock, given how improbable this must’ve been when you graduated. It’s been well documented the Fed always comes guns blazing at anyone making less than $50,000 a year.

JL: Fuck me for growing up middle class, right? But yeah, I thought I’d be raking in cash with a B.A. and an M.A. in engineering, but after I graduated the only jobs I could find paid $14 an hour. And those were the ones that required a Master’s degree. I was barely a week into working at my local Sonic before the bills started showing up.

HT: Wait, $14 an hour? And just to clarify, engineers are the people who design bridges and stuff right? So then how much did you have to borrow?

JL: Around $80,000 initially, but then there were the two unpaid internships, post-graduate school, and springing for the nicer on-campus apartments that didn’t have black mold. I think it came out to roughly $150k in change. But that my loan has been forgiven I can finally cut down to only selling my plasma to twice a month!

HT: Jesus man, what the fuck!

JL: Right? When Biden announced the SAVE plan I applied immediately, but with all the pushback and legal battles I thought it would be a bust. I had almost made peace with only having $43 in my bank account when I got the news. I just hope that at this rate it can help at least seven or eight more people. It makes the most sense economically.

HT: Well with this financial burden lifted, how are you going to spend your free money?

JL: At this point since I’ve been priced out of owning a home and likely won’t retire, I’ll probably just buy myself a little treat and then start chipping away at my SallieMae loans. I borrowed $2,000 for books and somehow I now owe them $90,000. But who knows, maybe they’ll get bailed out again and let everyone off the hook – damn, I’m sorry. Now I just sound crazy.

Georgia Passes Law Criminalizing Giving Water to People Waiting in Merch Lines

ATLANTA — Georgia’s governor has signed a bill prohibiting the act of offering water to thirsty audience members queuing in long merch lines, bewildered legal experts confirmed.

“This is a boon for venue owners,” said Phil Stubbs, proprietor of The Vexed Crab nightclub. “All those people in line ain’t drinking, so we ain’t earning. Usually someone will wait in line and their friend will bring them some water. We stopped giving out free water at the bar a long time ago, but these skinflints will just fill a cup in the bathroom sink. All these lousy water drinkers really cut into our bar take. This law means those cheapskates will have to bring their friend at least a $8 PBR tallboy instead. People like beer more than water, anyway, so this is a win-win situation.”

Concert-goers who fought against the law’s passage are disappointed that the state has once again sided with powerful special interests over the consumer.

“Last summer I went to an outdoor festival that was apparently testing the practices that have now become law,” said Miranda Speight, 26. “My friend and I wanted to grab some t-shirts. After standing in line in the hot sun for half an hour, she finally went to get us water. But when she got back, a security guard knocked the cups out of her hands and demanded she go back and get beers, or at least hard seltzers. I wound up in the emergency room from dehydration that day. I never did get that goddamned shirt.”

ACLU spokesman Andrew Gruber argues that the new law is unconstitutional and should be repealed.

“With the Citizens United ruling, the Supreme Court decided that political donations from corporations were protected as free speech,” said Gruber. “The same logic should apply here. In fact, the Georgia law was passed under the disingenuous premise that a bad actor could influence which band’s merch someone will buy if they’re given water. But anyone can see it’s just a cash-grab by the venues to increase thirst in an effort to sell more beer. Especially since there is no rule in place prohibiting offering beer, liquor or even a basket of curly fries to people.”

At press time, a local concert attendee was released after having been wrongfully apprehended for giving what turned out to be a $22 vodka on the rocks—not water—to a friend.

Six Songs We’re Listening To That Have Nothing to do With Being Irish or From Boston

Well, well, well. It’s been another eventful week for everyone but you. While you’ve been mindlessly scrolling on your phone and working a permanent you-sized groove into your couch, a plethora of new songs have emerged. If you could have been bothered to care, you might have even enjoyed a few of them.

Because we can’t stand to watch your sad demise for even a moment longer, we’ve saved a few of the aforementioned songs for you. Open your eyes to the possibilities of wonder as we take you through some notable new releases.

NOFX “I’m a Rat”

NOFX is currently wrapping up their final string of live shows, but seemingly there are no plans for the band to quit releasing new music. They’ve just announced their latest EP ‘Half Album,’ a continuation of and conclusion to their previous records ‘Single Album’ and ‘Double Album.’ The first single, ‘I’m a Rat,’ apparently contains 54 chords – no, we didn’t count but we’ll take NOFX’s word for it – and continues the lyrical themes of Fat Mike’s most recent journey into sobriety, complete with a metaphor comparing substance abuse to a rat’s cheese addiction. Some things never change.

Strung Out “White Owls”

Pop a couple ibuprofen and pull your old deck out of storage, because Strung Out’s latest single, ‘White Owls,’ sounds like it descended straight from Skate Heaven. Its thrashy riffs and classic melodic hooks make us long for the days when our knees didn’t make that weird popping noise all the time. Aging joints haven’t stopped everyone from going hard on this one, though. One of our senior staffers got so excited when this one dropped that he tried to do a kickflip in the parking lot. He landed it, but ended up breaking his shin in five places. Maybe get a brace if you’re planning on doing more than cruising to this one would be our suggestion.

Stretch Arm Strong “A Revealing”

One of our writers threatened to spin-kick us out of a fourth story window if we didn’t include their favorite track from Stretch Arm Strong’s new EP in the column this week. We were gonna do it anyway, but the enthusiasm wasn’t unwarranted. The South Carolina hardcore heroes’ latest release, ‘The Revealing,’ is their first in nearly two decades. The void left in their absence was so large that, fully absorbed in the abyss, we almost forgot it was there. Thankfully the lights have been turned back on and no one in our office will have to suffer through mediocre hardcore again, or at least until the band inevitably goes on hiatus again.

Hot Water Music “Remnants (Feat. Brendan Yates and Daniel Fang of Turnstile)” “Fences (Feat. Thrice)”

Hot Water Music’s forthcoming album, ‘Vows,’ is slated to be a star-studded event, with guest appearances from seemingly every goddamn band you’ve ever heard of. The bill is so stacked, we’re honestly surprised your hardcore band that broke up six years ago wasn’t asked to hop in. Your old merch guy also ran the band’s e-mail, so it’s possible he just never forwarded the invite. The latest singles ‘Remnants’ and ‘Fences’ feature Brendan Yates and Daniel Fang from Turnstile, and all four members of Thrice respectively. As the old adage goes: It’s not really a party until almost half of Turnstile and all of Thrice show up.

Otoboke Beaver “Don’t Light My Fire”

Our Managing Editor came into the office on Friday with her entire face bandaged up like the Invisible Man. Normally we would think nothing of this blatant attention grabber, but there was actually a little bit of blood under some of the bandages. Needless to say, we figured something was amiss. Turns out she had seen the criminally underrated Japanese punk legends Otoboke Beaver the night before who literally and figuratively ‘ripped her face off’ at some point during their raucous set. Before we could ask more, she threatened to show us the mangled carnage if we didn’t get back to work.

Too lazy to make your own playlist? Yeah, we thought so. That’s why we’ve taken the time to do it for you. You’ll find these songs and countless others by clicking here. Be sure to give it a follow or like or whatever Spotify is calling it now so you always have a way of tricking your loved ones into thinking you finally have good taste.

Finance: How Much You Should Have Saved by the Time the Grocery Store Is Playing Your Favorite Music From High School

Time flies. One minute you’re young and invincible with your whole life ahead, and the next you find yourself thinking “wow, what a banger” while comparing fiber content between cereals in the breakfast aisle of a Ralph’s in the deep suburbs.

If you braved downloading music from Limewire to get your hands on songs that are now played at the grocery store, hearing Bowling For Soup’s “1985” come on might feel like a personal attack.

Truly maturing, however, is realizing that the Debbie your friend in Bowling for Soup sang about has a lifestyle that is aspirational by today’s standards. She never had it all, but at least she can afford healthcare, raising two children, a reliable vehicle, and a nice house in a decent neighborhood… not bad for a plan B, honestly. Unfortunately financial security (even just for retirement and emergencies) is going to take more than abandoning your dreams to become an actress, nowadays.

Not sure where to begin? Here are a couple of guidelines for when you start loading your cart to music you danced to at prom.

Build Your Emergency Fund

You may think you grew out of living life on the edge, but in reality you’re pushing the limit more than ever by aging in a country that places your healthcare in the hands of soulless insurance companies. If you can swing it, you should always keep four to six weeks of living expenses ready at hand.

Save For Retirement

Generally it’s recommended you have about three times your annual salary put aside for retirement by the time your grocery store plays your high school jams more than anything else. Hopefully when you first notice this transition starting you will have some amount of savings already, but if you’re a bit behind- don’t panic. The process lasts years, it’s likely you can still catch up without doing anything drastic.

You will know it’s complete when the emotionally charged songs nearest to your heart are treated with complete irreverence. If you want an idea of what that’s like just ask your parents how it felt hearing “Comfortably Numb” get intermittently shat on by PA announcements asking for assistance in the deli or clean up on aisle 12 for the first time.

Once that starts happening, you will be glad to hear the next wave of teenage anthems take over. These goals might seem overwhelming, but the best thing to do is simply get started.

Until you hear instrumental versions of your music in the elevator, you have time.

Punk’s Urine Being Green Unrelated to St. Patrick’s Day Bender

KUTZTOWN, Pa. — St. Patrick’s Day reveler and local punk Shane Becker was unconcerned that his green-tinted urine had nothing to do with the 15 dyed beers he’d drank, bar patrons have confirmed.

“Normally I’d be asking if this looks infected, but the timing of it couldn’t be more perfect since I forgot to wear something green today. It’s actually been three weeks since my piss has looked like Ecto Cooler, but I’ll give it another day or two before I start to get concerned,” said Becker. “Damn if I know how this happened. It might be the one piece of asparagus I ate last month or that I live downriver from a wastewater treatment plant, but my main focus today is to blackout in honor of St. Patrick, which should offset the fact that it feels like I’m pissing fire.”

Jody Wallace, pub bartender and acquaintance of Becker, didn’t share the same ambivalence about his medical condition.

“I’ve let Shane get away with public urination every once in a while, but he straight up took a leak onto one of our plants today and it died instantly. As far as I know his urine looked like that before we opened, so unless he had a ton of dye and Coors Lights at home he needs to go to the hospital,” said Wallace. “At least three guys have run out of the bathroom screaming today and it’s starting to kill the vibe. He’s pretty far gone so I might be able to sprinkle some crushed up some penicillin into his drinks. It couldn’t be less safe than whatever he’s going through now.”

Doctors who were alerted to Becker’s condition reiterated that holiday revelry shouldn’t overshadow the fact that his condition may be irreversible.

“Is it amusing? Yes, but if anyone’s urine isn’t some shade of yellow it should be looked into. Shane doesn’t strike me as the type who’d ingest any natural dyes found in fruits or vegetables, so if his urine isn’t the result of green-dyed Miller High Life, he will likely suffer massive organ failure in the next 48 hours,” said urologist Michael Klein. “I suggest that he incorporate some normal-colored beer into his St. Patrick’s Day celebration and see if that makes a difference. Otherwise, we may be looking at a UTI unlike anything mankind has ever seen.”

Halfway through the day, bar staff finally asked Becker to leave after several patrons developed acute radiation poisoning after he accidentally pissed his pants.

So Your Fellow Lifeboat Survivors Have Turned into Giant Talking Hams: 5 Great Recipes!

We’ve all been in this situation: the luxurious cruise ship on which you were traveling for some well-earned relaxation time in Mallorca crashed into a bunch of rocks because the captain was distracted by sexy manatees, sunk, and now you’re stuck on a lifeboat with five other passengers from all walks of life.

You’re all starving. You’re dying of thirst. The sun is a beating hammer on the shoddy aluminum of your brain, and even worse, your fellow survivors have all turned into giant talking hams!

But have no fear! In this exact situation, all you need is some creative, mouthwatering ham recipes, and you’ll be partying on the beaches of Porto Cristo in no time! Just drink some saltwater and get your appetite ready for some delicious talking hams that keep looking at you weird!

Ham & Gruyere Sliders: Everyone loves a ham sandwich! But you can always kick up your old-fashioned, dumb-as-ditchwater, lifeboat-ready recipe by introducing a fun cheese like a cave-aged gruyere! Your fellow survivors might be giving you side-eye, but who are they to say anything? They’re fucking hams. Mouthwatering, succulent hams.

Jamon Iberico-Wrapped Persimmons: Javier, the dancing instructor who made the first few days of the cruise an ordeal because he could not grasp that you can never and will never be able to cha-cha, is exactly the kind of dry-aged Spanish ham who not only says “no, stay back, caníbal!” with a Castilian accent but will be delectable wrapped around a ripe Hachiya persimmon. Ola, Javier!

Ham Noodle Casserole: Remember, you don’t need to be fancy to enjoy the ham that is the other survivors whose blank eyes are staring at the sun! A can of cream of mushroom soup, some boiled egg noodles, and some cheddar cheese are all that’s necessary for a nourishing casserole that can feed your whole family! The family is the seagulls who perch on the side of the lifeboat that you have taken for your own, and no one will take it from you.

A Guy’s Head, But It’s Ham: Clarity is a nightmare, and the most fragile grasp you have on life depends on picturing Timothy, the program director, as ham. He’s just ham!

Mustard-Serrano Glazed Spiral Ham: Spicy! Nothing goes well with toothsome smoked pork shoulder as a sizzling-hot mostarda. That said, you have to deal with a ham when it talks back, and you need to use an oar to beat away the others. They know nothing of delicious recipes, but what can you expect?

They’re just hams.

Saving Biggest Piece of Chicken for Last Bite of Cobb Salad Most Rewarding Part of Man’s Day

CRANFORD, N.J. — Local actuary Ken Dorfinger showed amazing self-restraint by leaving a significantly large piece of chicken as the last bite of his meal, confirmed sources versed in delayed gratification.

“I’m a Cobb man. It’s the most salad for my dollar. I don’t mess around with Greek or even Chef,” Dorfinger said while sharpening every pencil at his desk to equal length. “So when I opened up my reusable Just Salad bowl and saw this motherload of a morsel, I literally moaned with delight. Wins like this don’t happen to guys like Ken Dorfinger. I strategically forked my way through the greens and carrots first. Then made quick work of the egg and smaller chicken chunks until only that rogue meat treat remained, all coated in ranch, bacon bits and blue cheese crumble, creating what I called on Yelp ‘the cobbertunity of a lifetime.’ Unless there’s a new episode of ‘Blue Bloods’ tonight, this is the highlight of my day by a country mile.”

While happy for Dorfinger, Just Salad manager Rondell Eck doubled down on the company’s hardline portion policy.

“Hey, good for this guy. But I’m livid,” Eck raged by pay phone from an off-track betting parlor. “This liberal serving of poultry is a direct violation of Just Salad protocol. We portion every shred of fucking lettuce with surgical precision. We can’t just be handing out bird like Jesus feeding the goddamn multitude. This is a business. Money doesn’t grow on trees, and last time I checked, neither does chicken. The employee responsible for this flagrant abuse of policy will have their pay docked and be reassigned to dressing duty, post-haste.”

Office temp and tantric sex practitioner Susan Timms looked past Dorfinger’s pathetically low standards, interpreting his self-restraint as an almost sensual superpower.

“Tantra is my sexual lifeforce, but watching uneventful men like Ken eat is definitely my new kink,” Timms said, while drawing a penis in her desktop zen garden. “Seeing this cuck of a company drone soul-gaze his salad and edge his way to culinary climax did exciting, unmentionable things to my chakra. Let’s just say I’ll never look at a piece of processed chicken the same way again.”

At press time, Dorfinger’s lunch triumph was quickly ruined after discovering his last bite was technically the sad stale pita triangle he forgot at the bottom of the takeout bag.

Photo by Fran Krause.

You Can Take My Gun From My Cold Dead Hands as Soon as I Can Remember Where I Left It

I love this country. I bleed red, white and blue. I believe in the ideals laid out by the forefathers of this nation. I am an American and guns are my birthright. And while I’m technically not sure where my Glock 19 is at this exact moment, you’re damn sure never gonna take it from me.

Look, I’m not some gun nut. Hell, I wouldn’t even call myself a collector. I’m just your average proud American citizen who cares about the Second Amendment and believes regardless of training, or even proving I can safely handle a firearm, it’s my right to keep several handguns in the glovebox of my unlocked Kia Sorento and hidden under my son’s mattress in case someone is stupid enough to break into my kingdom.

My family has passed down the time-honored tradition of caring about and respecting firearms. And I continue that tradition by keeping about 50% of the guns I own in a locked gun safe. Well, I guess it’s less of a gun safe and more of a plastic storage tote. But it is high-end plastic and the latches on the side are very secure. And, sure if you wanna be scientific about it, there’s no actual lock, but the sign that says “stay away, I got guns in here” gets the message across.

Now I’m not averse to criticism. I can admit when I’m wrong. During the lockdown, I definitely panic-bought one of those “make your own AR” kits, and yeah just like everyone else I stopped halfway through because it was too much work. I’m only human. And ok, technically I’m not sure where all of those parts are now. But what’s most important is protecting my rights, regardless of whether or not the neighbor’s kid found the upper in my open garage and now has it mixed in with his toys.

The mainstream media wants you to think that some gun control advocates aren’t even saying that citizens shouldn’t have guns, but that they really just wanna push for background checks, cool-down periods, and so-called “red flag” laws. Well the only red flag I see, is the communist flag flying over our great country if cops who are spousal abusers lose their right to carry a firearm.

Things have been getting out of control in this country, and I’m not gonna sit around and wait to have my rights taken away. I pay my taxes to this criminal government now, but there may come a day when I have to take arms up against tyranny. And on that day I’ll be ready. As soon as I can remember where I left my shit.

Punk IT Support Asks if You’ve Tried Punching the Monitor Yet

CHICAGO — New IT support person, and self-proclaimed punk, Alex Holden is causing frustrations with fellow employees at Hawthorne Inc. by suggesting they punch their computer monitor as a means of troubleshooting their problem, multiple sources with bandaged knuckles confirmed.

“I’m not even sure how this guy got hired in the first place,” said Vanessa Meyer, head of sales at Hawthorne Inc. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sober, and he constantly swears at anyone who asks him for help. It’s just not appropriate for the work environment. And whenever he’s not telling us that the solution to our computers not working is destroying them, he’s going on about how we’re all slaves to ‘the man’ and how we’re all contributing to the capitalistic downfall of society. Someone pointed out that he works here too, and he threw a beer can at them.”

Despite his coworkers’ frustrations, Holden sees himself as serving a very important role in the company.

“If I’m not out here to stick it to Hawthorne Inc, who will?” Holden said through very slurred speech. “At first I just applied to the job because my parents said I had to start paying them rent, plus my aunt works here, so I figured I had a decent shot. But once I realized I could get people to start destroying company equipment, I knew this was my true calling. Some people are even actually doing it, so far management has had to replace four printers, twelve computers, and eight monitors because of me.”

IT support recruiter William Hughes weighed in on how people with affinities for other genres incorporate their passion for their scene into their jobs.

“I’ve gotten a lot of complaints over how the people I recruit handle issues in the workplace over the years,” said Hughes. “I’ve heard of black metal fans advising users to light their computers on fire, and Juggalos trying to reformat hard drives by soaking them in Faygo. I’d say at least forty percent of the people I recruit end up getting fired for something like this. I really have to stop recruiting at music festivals.”

At press time, Holden was heard yelling at users to “open up this fucking program.”

Photo by Justin Guiel.

Every Godspeed You! Black Emperor Album Ranked Worst to Best

If you like your electric guitar-oriented instrumental rock with a side helping of dense orchestral arrangements and sizzling crescendos and ominous field recordings, garnished with unapologetically pretentious song titles and album packaging, and accompanied by an unshakeable aura of nihilism, well, you’re probably a fan of Godspeed You! Black Emperor. They are one of the most formidable and influential “post-rock” bands to come about since the 1990s, and, like all the greats of that genre, they constantly and effortlessly transcend its boundaries.

Also, smack in the middle of the George W. Bush era, they were detained by police after being mistaken for a gang of terrorists at a gas station in Oklahoma, which we’re sure was a shitty experience, but it also wouldn’t surprise us if they all ended up putting that on their business cards in extra-large font, since sonically assaulting post-9/11 American foreign policy is a pretty big cornerstone of their music.

They have seven studio albums and an EP for us to consider, and the consideration begins now:

7. Asunder, Sweet and Other Distress (2015)

Nothing wrong with a long, droney interlude on your album, but this one gets pushed just a little too far. The middle section could be mistaken for a slightly-less-dense version of a Sunn O))) record. Closing track “Piss Clowns are Trebled” (did we mention these guys have a gift for song/album titles?) is killer, but it feels like it takes all day to get there, and this is on one of their shortest albums.

Play It Again: “Piss Clowns are Trebled”
Skip It: “Lamb’s Breath” unless you really REALLY like ominous drones

 

6. Luciferian Towers (2017)

Darker and more ominous than most GY!BE records (and that’s saying something), the dirge-like tracks on here are apparently meant to support the entirely reasonable list of political demands included in the album’s packaging, notably “an end to foreign invasion, an end to borders, the total dismantling of the prison–industrial complex.” It’s an admirable attempt, but the people with the power to bring those things to an end are more likely listening to bro country than to intricately-composed instrumental avant-garde post-rock by a bunch of anarchist weirdos.

Play It Again: “Anthem for No State” (parts I-III)
Skip It: “Fam/Famine” – It’s by no means terrible, but it’s got enough dissonance to give you a low-grade panic attack.

Honorable Mention: Slow Riot for New Zero Kanada (1999)

This EP has two tracks, one of which is perfect entry-level GY!BE, a nice little 10-minute piece that is pretty much the distilled essence of the band’s style. The other is primarily a field recording of some malcontent (who probably stormed the capitol 22 years later) bragging about how he mouthed off to a judge while paying a parking ticket and then reciting an “original” poem that is mostly plagiarized Iron Maiden lyrics. You can listen to it as a nifty piece of performance art, but remember, you really don’t have to.

Play it Again: “Moya”
Skip It: “Blaise Bailey Finnegan III”

5. G__d’s Pee at State’s End (2021)

The band was already selling merch with this album title almost a decade before its release, so it must have been a slow-developing concept. We’re also not sure why a band this transgressive and decidedly non-mainstream felt the need to censor the title, but that’s surely all part of some grand aesthetic plan. A solid album front-to-back, with less emphasis on drone, a return to field recordings as a central (but not overused) element, and some riffs that, played a little faster through the right guitar pedal, would practically be death metal.

Play it Again: “Job’s Lament”
Skip It: “Where We Break, How We Shine (ROCKETS FOR MARY)”

4. Yanqui U.X.O. (2002)

This one sort of had to be in the middle of the pack, and there’s a simple litmus test for whether you’ll be into it: Do you like GY!BE’s whole deal? Then you’ll like this, but it probably won’t be your favorite. Do you not like GY!BE’s whole deal? Then you won’t like this, and probably won’t feel inclined to compare it to the rest of their discography. This is just the band doing what they do, but very little really stands out. We’re giving it a break though, because it was the follow-up to “Lift Your Skinny Fists” (see below), which is a stone cold banger.

Play it Again: “Rockets Fall on Rocket Falls”
Skip It: “9-15-00 part 2” (Like, why did this need to be a separate track? Part 1 got the job done anyhow)

3. F#A#∞ (1996)

We’re at that magical point in the ranking where you could shuffle them up in any order and it would be perfectly respectable. This record was such an anomaly in the 1996 music world: In the context of an era of easy-listening pop treacle and post-grunge crapola, this sounds like it might as well be a transmission from Mars. The music is painstakingly weird, and that iconic opening spoken-word piece—”The car is on fire, and no driver at the wheel, and the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides.”—not only sets the tone for GY!BE’s entire discography, but also sounds like something from a particularly bleak Cormac McCarthy novel, and ain’t nothing wrong with that.

Play it Again: “Dead Flag Blues”
Skip It: There are only two other tracks, and they’re both good, but if you absolutely must, you could skip “East Hastings,” though you’d miss some instrumental bits that sound like what we imagine watching Bergman’s Persona on acid would be like.

2. Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven (2000)

It’s a masterpiece, and most people’s gateway not only to this band, but to experimental turn-of-the-millenium instrumental music in general. It’s a straight line from this to Explosions in the Sky and This Will Destroy You, but it’s also more ambitious and audacious than anything either of those bands, excellent as they are, have ever done. Unlike on “Slow Riot,” the spoken word and field recording bits mesh so well with the music that you can’t imagine them not being there, especially the moody street preacher on “Static.” But even some guy waxing nostalgic about Coney Island or a looped recording of a grocery store PA announcement add depth and nuance to the album. And musically, “Static” is a master-class in the slow-burn payoff. It’s not just that it spends 15 minutes (!!!) building upon a simple muted guitar riff with more and more layers and intensity—that sort of compositional trick is a dime a dozen in this genre—it’s that the tempo picks up right alongside it, and by the time the crescendo hits, the song is cruising at practically 200 BPM and you feel like you just got pummeled by the experimental music equivalent of a crowbar-wielding mob enforcer. But, like, in a good way.

Play It Again: “Static”
Skip It: “Like Antennas to Heaven,” the last track, feels a little extraneous, but also, how are you gonna skip a whole nearly-20-minute track? That’s ¼ of the album! But if you have to, you can.

1. Alleluia! Don’t Bend! Ascend! (2012)

The band’s first album after a 10-year hiatus, and unequivocally their greatest. “Lift Your Skinny Fists” is incredible, but this record is an absolute triumph. The two longer tracks steal the show, with opener “Mladic” culminating in a weird, loopy drone that will make you think the record is skipping for a few seconds before the payoff comes in a beautifully-composed crescendo. “We Drift Like Worried Fire” is built around a simple but gorgeous riff and is, at least by GY!BE standards, practically a ballad in its gentle simplicity. The shorter tracks are less memorable, and it’s almost like the band wants you to see them that way (the vinyl version has them on a separate 7-inch while the longer tracks are on each side of the LP), but you should take the time to alternate the discs accordingly, because experiencing this album as a complete work is deeply rewarding. Five stars, two thumbs up, 10/10, perfect album.

Play It Again: All of it
Skip It: “Their Helicopters Sing” and “Strung Like Lights at Thee Printemps Erable,” but ONLY IF for some reason the 45 RPM setting on your turntable is broken. Otherwise, don’t skip nothing.