We’ve all been in this situation: the luxurious cruise ship on which you were traveling for some well-earned relaxation time in Mallorca crashed into a bunch of rocks because the captain was distracted by sexy manatees, sunk, and now you’re stuck on a lifeboat with five other passengers from all walks of life.
You’re all starving. You’re dying of thirst. The sun is a beating hammer on the shoddy aluminum of your brain, and even worse, your fellow survivors have all turned into giant talking hams!
But have no fear! In this exact situation, all you need is some creative, mouthwatering ham recipes, and you’ll be partying on the beaches of Porto Cristo in no time! Just drink some saltwater and get your appetite ready for some delicious talking hams that keep looking at you weird!
Ham & Gruyere Sliders: Everyone loves a ham sandwich! But you can always kick up your old-fashioned, dumb-as-ditchwater, lifeboat-ready recipe by introducing a fun cheese like a cave-aged gruyere! Your fellow survivors might be giving you side-eye, but who are they to say anything? They’re fucking hams. Mouthwatering, succulent hams.
Jamon Iberico-Wrapped Persimmons: Javier, the dancing instructor who made the first few days of the cruise an ordeal because he could not grasp that you can never and will never be able to cha-cha, is exactly the kind of dry-aged Spanish ham who not only says “no, stay back, caníbal!” with a Castilian accent but will be delectable wrapped around a ripe Hachiya persimmon. Ola, Javier!
Ham Noodle Casserole: Remember, you don’t need to be fancy to enjoy the ham that is the other survivors whose blank eyes are staring at the sun! A can of cream of mushroom soup, some boiled egg noodles, and some cheddar cheese are all that’s necessary for a nourishing casserole that can feed your whole family! The family is the seagulls who perch on the side of the lifeboat that you have taken for your own, and no one will take it from you.
A Guy’s Head, But It’s Ham: Clarity is a nightmare, and the most fragile grasp you have on life depends on picturing Timothy, the program director, as ham. He’s just ham!
Mustard-Serrano Glazed Spiral Ham: Spicy! Nothing goes well with toothsome smoked pork shoulder as a sizzling-hot mostarda. That said, you have to deal with a ham when it talks back, and you need to use an oar to beat away the others. They know nothing of delicious recipes, but what can you expect?
They’re just hams.