CHICAGO — New IT support person, and self-proclaimed punk, Alex Holden is causing frustrations with fellow employees at Hawthorne Inc. by suggesting they punch their computer monitor as a means of troubleshooting their problem, multiple sources with bandaged knuckles confirmed.
“I’m not even sure how this guy got hired in the first place,” said Vanessa Meyer, head of sales at Hawthorne Inc. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him sober, and he constantly swears at anyone who asks him for help. It’s just not appropriate for the work environment. And whenever he’s not telling us that the solution to our computers not working is destroying them, he’s going on about how we’re all slaves to ‘the man’ and how we’re all contributing to the capitalistic downfall of society. Someone pointed out that he works here too, and he threw a beer can at them.”
Despite his coworkers’ frustrations, Holden sees himself as serving a very important role in the company.
“If I’m not out here to stick it to Hawthorne Inc, who will?” Holden said through very slurred speech. “At first I just applied to the job because my parents said I had to start paying them rent, plus my aunt works here, so I figured I had a decent shot. But once I realized I could get people to start destroying company equipment, I knew this was my true calling. Some people are even actually doing it, so far management has had to replace four printers, twelve computers, and eight monitors because of me.”
IT support recruiter William Hughes weighed in on how people with affinities for other genres incorporate their passion for their scene into their jobs.
“I’ve gotten a lot of complaints over how the people I recruit handle issues in the workplace over the years,” said Hughes. “I’ve heard of black metal fans advising users to light their computers on fire, and Juggalos trying to reformat hard drives by soaking them in Faygo. I’d say at least forty percent of the people I recruit end up getting fired for something like this. I really have to stop recruiting at music festivals.”
At press time, Holden was heard yelling at users to “open up this fucking program.”
Photo by Justin Guiel.