25. Neutral President
Has no strong feelings one way or the other.
24. Police Officers
Ah, boys and their toys. The only thing the police officers in “Futurama” are more than incompetent is violent. When you have a hammer, every problem is a nail. And when you have a night-stick, it’s fun to brutalize criminal suspects. That’s not to say that their intentions are malicious, but these misguided members of New New York’s finest have a real authoritarian streak and don’t mind finding authors that do too.
23. Barbados Slim
After being rejected by LaBarbara and all women with common sense, Barbados Slim read the “12 Rules of Life” to make sense of these Cruel Runnings in his life, and Barbados limboed smoothly under the spell of this similarly maligned man. This hex came to an end when Peterson used the wrong pronouns to address Barbados’s lively biceps, and they ended up flexing Peterson right in the face.
22. Zoidberg
Feeling validated by Peterson’s admiration for crustaceans and approval of a carnivorous diet, Zoidberg saw much of himself in this supposedly misaligned “Doctor”. However, Doctor Zoidberg, upon peer-reviewing his fellow, decided that Peterson was overstepping his boundaries as a Psychology professor by going on tangents that he had no real experience in (which Zoidberg does as well, but at least he refused to compromise his ethical code).
21. Hermes Conrad
A rigid and relentless button-presser, bureaucrat and penny-pincher extraordinaire, Hermes has a penchant for self-help books, and found Jordan’s in the discount bin. He went through a brief dalliance with some of Peterson’s philosophy until his wife put a stop to it, and now only has the books on his desk at work to make it seem like he actually reads. To be clear, reading is a huge time expense, so he does not.
20. Judge Whitey
New New York’s old money judge once heard from his caddy’s chauffeur that Jordan Peterson’s book would improve the efficiency of his whole life. This prompted Judge Whitey to fire his entire cleaning and cooking staff and take charge of his life, leading to disaster, since Judge Whitey has never done a lick of manual labor in his life.
19. Bender
While Bender can appreciate Jordan Peterson’s grift, drive and determination and some of his sexist rhetoric, Peterson’s inherently misogynistic take on promiscuity and hypocritical take on substance abuse would prompt Bender to steal copies of Peterson’s academic work and remarket them as his own, making millions off the proceeds before spending it on blackjack and hookers.
18. The Zookeeper
Impressed by Citizen Snips and his raiding and re-purposing of his academic experience for his own game, Jordan Peterson offered to show the Zookeeper how to streamline his supervillain life, via 12 useful steps. However when the two met, the Zookeeper was 10 minutes late, which put Peterson into suspicion on whether or not this supervillain was truly serious, and Peterson ended up taking a call to grab some beers and steaks with Joe Rogan, who would make a fine addition to the Zookeeper’s collection.
17. Scammers
Game recognizes game indeed, and the scammers would scrunge every inch of Peterson’s psychological manipulation and oversimplification of complex concepts to enhance their schemes and make even more money. But once they scrunged his traditional views with regards to sexuality, the Scammers noped out of there.
16. Big Headed Mutant
A dictionary definition of a Peterson Fanboy. Big Headed, overcompensating for perceived inferiority, willing to shit on anyone within shitting distance despite the fact that there is a toilet in the other room. This ignorance of basic facts when his feelings are noticeably stronger than actual evidence makes him prime Peterson fanboy material.
15. Elzar
Egotistical, occasionally misogynistic, and often deeply unpleasant, Elzar is a perfect candidate to be a disciple of Peterson. He attempted Jordan’s all-meat diet for a month and even converted his restaurant to serve an all-meat menu, but ultimately he had to stop after all the steak and pork chops formed a giant, constipated mass in his colon.
14. Chaz
As someone who arguably made his career by cleaning other’s rooms (The Mayor), this unnamed and presumably underpaid public servant with a penchant for selfishness took easily to Peterson’s charm, rhetoric, and confrontational attitude, and especially enjoyed his takedown of ill-prepared college students, making it look just as easy as clearing a skating rink full of orphans. Enthralled, The Mayor’s Aide pledged his undying loyalty to both this “Psychologist” and the Mayor himself, but when asked about his political affiliation, he self-identified as a “practical centrist.”
13. Yancy Fry Sr.
This Vietnam vet, carnivore, and uncompromising anti-communist who loves his family to the core, Yancy was part of the intellectual dark web before it was cool in some sort of manosphere hipster. His disregard for the educational system and its positive effects are the cherry on top of his shitty, outdated beliefs.
12. Richard Nixon
Arooooo. The original right-wing grifter loovvveees to see what his legacy has sown, appreciating Peterson’s increased skills with deception, relative to his own, failed attempts to undermine democracy. If re-elected, Nixon promised to make Jordan Peterson his personal therapist and confidant, to the arguable benefit of them both.
11. Mom
Captain of industry and supposed sweetheart, Mom is secretly a ruthless and Machiavellian matriarch profiting off the creation of mechanical beings. She even bonded with Peterson over his climate change denialism, and he came to admire her plan to increase fuel consumption among her Robot Children, and the two proceeded to “bond” in a way unsuitable for Robot Children, and anyone with good taste.
10. Leo Wong
Colonialist, Capitalist, and sexist rich guy whose biggest concern for his daughter is her fertility, Leo Wong would happily attend and fund an entire department at Mars University based on Peterson’s Philosophy. He would even invite him to his Mars Day Barbecue, and both dined on Buggalo, only to kick out Peterson after he went on a Benzo-fueled stealing spree, decreasing the Wong net worth by 1.5%.
9. Professor Farnsworth
Professor Farnsworth is a lot of things. A man of science, a business owner, a supercentenarian. He’s a crazy old man with a love of doomsday devices and unethical capitalist exploitation. A man who has turned the scientific method into a sort of fanatical religious devotion.
8. Professor Ogden Wernstrom
An academic by nurture and asshole by nature, Wernstrom claims to be on the side of science, but time and time again he has been a proven career academic to his core, willing to sacrifice an entire team of grad students in order to achieve his goals. That clear disregard for academic ethics puts him straight into the orbit of Peterson, who also has no qualms about pulling stunts that could get him fired (Peterson was even disciplined by an Ontario Court for his conduct).
7. Walt
The exact type of cis male who refers to women as females, and the clitoris as a Pokemon, despite his lack of knowledge in either area, Walt has a laminated copy of “12 Rules for Life” AND 12 more rules for life in his bedroom, complete with a nightmarish night light modeled after Jordan Peterson’s face. Which is a shame, because Walt is a disciplined, hard-working guy with a natural talent for leadership, and if he applied himself and took advantage of his generational wealth, he would be able to become so much more than a lackey.
6. That Guy (’80s Dude)
Like Peterson, “That Guy” is a combattant against the “Marxist lies” peddled on the left. He does so by organizing hostile takeovers of Planet Express and the very drug company that was going to cure his terminal illness. And like “That Guy” Peterson once severely worsened his horrible illness by going to a sketchy European night-club while he had COVID.
5. Lrrr (Ruler of the Planet Omicron Persii 8)
An arguable crustacean with a love of hierarchy, order, and misogyny, Lrr loves Jordan Peterson more than he loves his wife or child, but not his Kingdom, which as far as Lrr is concerned, is his room and birthright. Just wait till Peterson hears about Lrr’s aversion to laundry though, oh boy!
4. Roberto
Peterson’s philosophy is famous for jumping in between Jungian dream psychology, mythology, economics, and religion. Not unlike the mind of a delusional, psychotic delinquent. Enter Roberto: a delusional, psychotic robot delinquent who enjoys long tirades, shouting, and eating skin. Hah-Hayuh.
3. Whale Biologist
A fellow misogynistic, burnt-out academic who is clearly still in his field just to make money off of those susceptible to his manipulation despite despising the profession and very concept of academia. Both would bond over remaining in their fields, spreading their hate far and wide, both having an insufferable, smug superiority to their voice.
2. Zapp Brannigan
Zapp Brannigan never met a member of the manosphere and the intellectual dark web that he didn’t adore. A stuffed pig of a man, he firmly believes in the idea of the alpha male asserting dominance. The last time he tolerated a book was when he forced Kif to read him “12 Rules for Life” and Peterson’s appearance on Joe Rogan’s podcast was a favorite for Zapp on long space-flights.
1. Cubert
Unquestionably this little scrote-blossom would be at the top of the list. Cubert is exactly the type of mark that Peterson goes for. An angry, self-important, socially maladjusted teenager who’s not as smart as he thinks he is and picks fights for his own amusement. A fledgling “debate me” bro and total “I’m gonna move to Japan when I’m eighteen” CHUD.
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