Pac-Man Arcade Machine From 1981 Still Laundromat’s Newest Appliance

Posted on by James Knapp

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — A vintage Pac-Man arcade cabinet belonging to area laundromat Sudsy’s Soak ‘n Scrub is reportedly the establishment’s most technologically advanced piece of equipment by a wide margin, sources who see no need for further improvements confirmed.

“Sudsy’s has been in my family for three generations, and we got a proud reputation for our service over all those years. So what if washers were built during the first Cleveland administration? They were good enough then and they should be good enough now,” explained laundromat owner Harlan Museman. “Of course, customers complain sometimes about how our air conditioning system is just a fan and a big block of rock salt in front of it, so we got that newfangled circle boy machine to keep ‘em distracted. Occasionally you just have to get with the times.”

Laundromat patron Joanna Flint gave her perspective on the game cabinet while also having a very difficult time with the change machine.

“Why does this goddamn thing never fucking work right? I know it was built before the invention of five-dollar bills but c’mon!” exclaimed Flint. “Yeah, the Pac-Man game is fine but there’s really not much use for it when I haven’t been able to get one quarter out of this change dispenser. I mean, I literally can’t give this business my money without this machine functioning properly so you’d think that might incentivize them to, you know, have it fucking do that.”

Pac-Man took a brief intermission from eating ghosts and dots to express his feelings on being Sudsy’s newest appliance.

“I don’t see nothing wrong with being the new kid on the block around here, even four decades later. People may claim that every single mechanical device here is woefully out of date, but let me tell you, as a video game character that knows how it feels to be a classic, there’s nothing wrong with a little age,” said Pac-Man with his big weird flappy head. “Personally I hope they never get anything new, especially if it’s a Dance Dance Revolution. There’s barely any fruit in that game! Ridiculous.”

At press time, Sudsy’s customers were informed that the building’s restroom facilities would be closed until management gets around to emptying the bucket again.

Three Fun Twists on Pumpkin Pie That Aren’t Nearly as Good as the First Drag of Your Morning Cigarette

Posted on by Zach Raffio

Yum alert! Fall has arrived, and you know what that means: warm, cozy treats. Pumpkin pie is a classic – sweet, creamy, and the perfect blend of autumnal aroma – but it’s time for an update. Check out our three fun twists on the beloved dessert below, even though they aren’t anywhere near as good as the first divine drag of your morning cigarette.

Oh god, that’s the best, right? The sweet tobacco smell when you open the pack, the anticipatory dopamine you feel when you spark the lighter, and then that pull hits you right in the nerves… heaven. Anyway let’s talk pie shit I guess.

Put it in a mug!
You love the pie, but don’t love the mess. We get it! This all-in-one pumpkin pie mug is all the comfort of the winter favorite without any of the cleanup. Speaking of comfort: god it’s comforting to take that first, hard nicotine inhale in the morning air, yeah? Fuck, I wish this mug slop was even a third as good as that shit.

Brûlée it!
Time to firm up your pie with a delicious, smoky crust. Take this American classic and give it a French twist – and speaking of lighting things on fire and also the French, it’s worth mentioning that this twist can’t even stand in the same room as your inaugural daily life-stick suck. I’d take the chance to even look at an AM puff sword over eating 12 of these pies any day. God I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow.

Shots, anyone?
Now we’re talking! Add a shot of bourbon to the batter to give it a distinctive, nuanced flavor profile – or say fuck it and just take the shot of bourbon straight, with a two cigarette chaser at 9:45am. Who needs to ingest liquor-flavored spice goo when you can inhale some of God’s arm hair wrapped in angel money? You could literally bring my grandmother back to life in the form of this pie and it would be a piece of shit next to that sweet, sweet lung dung. Fuuuuck, shit. God it’s so good. Fuck me.

So, there you have it: three fun twists on the classic pumpkin pie that will have your holiday dinner guests saying “wow, you’re so creative!” and “I’ve never seen THAT before” and of course “I’m going to sleep so I can wake up and smoke, fuck this pie and fuck you”.

Tesla Unveils Self-Driving Dragula That Autonomously Digs Through Ditches and Burns Through Witches

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Tesla recently revealed the prototype for their new self-driving Dragula that can independently dig through ditches and burn through witches, sources who couldn’t wait to slam in the back of one confirmed.

“This is going to completely revolutionize the demon-based auto industry,” said Tesla CEO Elon Musk, while assuring shareholders that the dramatic drop in company stocks as a result of the announcement was probably normal. “The coolest feature is most definitely the center console that connects directly to Hell. This automated access to eternal damnation is actually what powers the whole thing, so it doesn’t even need gasoline. You can also control the vehicle with your phone simply by summoning a demon through our app. Pretty cool, right? Anyway, we anticipate that by 2030 all metalheads will have switched over to our new autonomous Dragula for all of their ditch-digging and witch-burning needs.”

Members of the public couldn’t wait to get their hands on one of these evil drag racers.

“I’ve already sent Tesla a downpayment for this bad boy despite their so-called claim that they’re not accepting deposits just yet,” said fervent Tesla supporter Chaz Polymer while selling his Model S on Craigslist to make room in his bank account. “Sure, insurance costs are going to be through the roof since this vehicle exclusively deals and absorbs damage. But on the other hand, owning one of these is going to seriously impress my friends. That’s obviously the only reason to ever buy a sporty automobile.”

Robert Bartleh Cummings, known professionally as Rob Zombie, admittedly struggled for years to get the Dragula prototype to work autonomously.

“As an amateur mechanic of satanic vehicles that are used primarily for ill-intentions, I’ve been tweaking the technology on this roadster for years,” said Cummings. “However, I just could never get it to dig nor burn without the use of a human steering it. I got close once, but there were occasions where it would accidentally drive safely. If the public is going to accept driverless Dragulas as a whole, that just cannot happen whatsoever.”

At press time, Tesla announced plans to temporarily shut down production of the self-driving Dragula after one of them inadvertently mistook a pedestrian wearing fishnets for a witch.

Rittenhouse Judge Calls Recess to Sheepishly Ask for an Autograph

Posted on by Camden Brazile

KENOSHA, Wisc. — Judge Bruce Schroeder called for a recess after a long day of court proceedings in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial to sheepishly request an autograph from the shooter, according to multiple eyewitnesses.

“It’s so hard sitting there all day pretending like I’m not a huge fan of his work,” Schroeder said. “They say never meet your heroes, but he was so warm and charming, and he signed my assault rifle ‘To Bruce, Love Kyle.’ I almost couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the testimony all day because I was fixated on his charisma.”

Several people present in the courthouse noticed the honorable Judge blushing and fixing his hair in the reflection of his nameplate.

“When [Rittenhouse] was swearing in on the stand, I swear I saw them wink at each other, like they were best buddies,” said court reporter for Kenosha News Dana Malbach. “At one point I’m almost certain I saw Schroeder write something on a piece of paper, fold it up like one of those paper footballs we used to make in middle school, then hand it to the bailiff next to him until it went around the room and reached Rittenhouse. Judge Schroeder tried pretending he was distracted by staring at his phone, but I could see him looking over his shoulder to see what Kyle’s reaction was.”

The defendant, Kyle Rittenhouse, was happy to make time for the fan.

“If my senseless killing can make a positive difference in just one person’s life, then it will all have been worth it,” Rittenhouse said. “A lot of people are trying to paint me as a bad person with their ‘hard evidence’ and ‘powerful emotional testimony,’ but I’m glad Judge Schroeder knows I’m a good guy who just did what any white psychopath would have. While the jury is currently sequestered to prevent any media influence, Bruce and I are going out to dinner later to talk about my next project when, I mean, if, he lets me go.”

At press time, Judge Schroeder defended his credibility and impartiality to the court while wearing his new ‘SAVE KYLE’ robe.

Poor People Should Stop Voting Against Their Best Interest and Start Voting for Politicians Who Relentlessly Mock Them

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Dear poor Republican voters. Are you stupid or something? I’m only asking because you keep voting against your interests. Did you know that the politicians you enthusiastically support don’t care about you? Honestly, they probably hate you deep down. It’s time to stop supporting them and start voting for the politicians who hate you openly! The ones who mock you for your beliefs and guilt or bully you into giving them your vote. You know, the politicians I vote for.

As someone making a modest six figures, I know exactly what’s best for the poors. That’s why I never tip servers as a way to teach them the lesson that they should’ve learned to code instead. That lesson is a real tip they can use.

You’re still offended by their political ads calling you ignorant and backwoods? Wow, and people say us liberals can’t take a joke. Just try to see through that patronizing bullshit and understand that voting for these kinds of politicians might just help you out in the long run, you hillbilly moron.

Sure, after you vote them into office, they’re definitely going to disappoint and they’ll flake on the most important issues that affect poor people like cancelling student loan debt, increasing the minimum wage, and guaranteeing paid family leave. But that’s only because they avoid confrontation and fighting for the little guy at all costs. I said they wanted to help. I never said they’d be good at it.

Let’s be honest. We can’t exactly blame politicians for their continued mockery and ineffectiveness either. After all, these legislators are wealthy as hell, so they can’t help but insult poor people. It’s just one of the things that come with having a jacked bank account. You probably wouldn’t understand because you’re poor. And dumb.

Fauci Gives OK for Venues To Keep Putting Bathroom Towel Roll On Ledge Near Dispenser

Posted on by Chris Nakis

BETHESDA, Md. — Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, recently gave approval for venues to continue the common practice of putting bathroom paper towel rolls on a ledge near the empty dispenser, according to recent guidance.

“These venues are understaffed, people are busy, and those big plastic bubbles are really hard to open, especially when the key was lost over a decade ago in most cases. We’re advising venues to get the hand-drying implements ‘in the vicinity.’ Because even in ideal conditions, nobody is getting out of the bathroom unscathed,” Fauci explained. “Just remember to let your hands air dry for about 30 seconds then grab the dryest looking corner of the roll that you can, and pull down with a deliberate and swift motion to ensure a clean tear and not a floor-unravel situation.”

“For extra protection make sure to grab some of those tiny square bar napkins. You’re going to want to bring a bunch. The first three will dissolve on first contact with water,” Fauci added.

Some patrons of the nearby Musk Ox Music Hall are struggling with such relaxed sanitary measures.

“I had just finished washing my hands with the watered-down remnants of a Softsoap for the full duration of singing my ABCs which isn’t easy when a powerviolence band is playing,” said Hailie Thorsen with wet handprints on the front of her shirt. “I waved my hand at a sensor, and I just had that sinking feeling, and then, nothing. I was able to find a paper towel roll perched on a busted radiator in the corner, but after I was done I felt like I needed to wash my hands again.”

Venue employees tasked with refilling paper towel dispensers say that properly replacing the towels is an unrealistic ask.

“Why don’t these babies wipe their hands with their silly masks?” said Peyton Wilkie, the de facto custodian of a DIY venue in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. “I was hired because I’m the only guy who isn’t afraid to empty the carcasses out of rat traps, not to provide paper for the delicate hands of our ‘prized patrons’ who piss on every toilet paper roll we have. I hose down those bathrooms once a month, they don’t pay me enough to care about what goes on in there.”

As always, official CDC guidance still recommends gathering and urinating outdoors.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

The School of Hard Knocks Was My Backup School, I Got Into Brown

Posted on by Dan Rice

Dear fam, hustlers and wizened street-toughs,

I would like, first and foremost, to thank you all from the bottom of my naive heart for your various offers of tutelage through physical abuse and humiliation. When I think of all that I’ve learned from my brief tenure as a rube being taken advantage of by you fine thugs and criminals, I am humbled to say the least. I know I have only begun to scratch the surface of all that you have to teach me about “The Game.” Unfortunately, I have received an offer I am unable to refuse, and it is with a heavy heart that I must inform you our path together has reached a deviation.

I must confess, the school of hard knocks was my backup school, and I will be unable to attend any longer due to the fact that I have been accepted to my academy of choice, Brown University. It is an exciting yet obviously bitter-sweet time for me as I will no longer be able to pursue a career as part of a crew.

We sure had some great times together. Remember when we knocked off that convenience store, and when the cops chased us one of you tripped me so that I would get busted and the rest of you made off with all those cigarettes? That was an absolute blast. Remember how you beat the living hell out of me until you were thoroughly convinced that I didn’t give your names to the cops? It seems like only yesterday.

I want you to know that it was my internship with your organization and wide variety of crimes it made me an accessory to that gave me the confidence and self-reliance to apply to Brown, a university where students are given the freedom to choose their own academic journey. Rest assured that I will think of you anytime I am suddenly startled or catch sight of the scars I got from that bike chain fight in the mirror.

I understand that this transition comes at an inconvenient time. I did consider postponing my departure until fulfilling my prior obligation as look-out during Saturday’s planned tire store heist. Ultimately I decided that it would be unfair for me to accept such a role, as I would be potentially blocking a spot on the crew for another hungry young punk looking to step up.

I especially want you to know that my status as a non-snitch is important to me, and remains part of my worldview. Stitch-level injuries will not be needed to remind me of the importance of this basic code.

As a sign of good faith I have decided to give you some of the things I will no longer be needing, as I’m sure some young up and comer within your ranks can use them. In this box you will find a pocket knife, a studded denim vest, a vape pen battery and a t-shirt advertising something called Hatebreed.

I understand that this news comes as a shock, but before any of you react emotionally, please consider the fact that I could help you guys down the road! Maybe I’ll major in law and help you guys out of a jam. Maybe I’ll get into politics and hook you guys up with some no-show union gigs. Maybe I’ll become a writer and tell your story to the world, with some embellishments ala The Fast and The Furious.

Look, please don’t kick my ass.

Semisonic to Release Long-Awaited Follow-up “Seriously, Get the Fuck Out, I Have To Open Tomorrow”

Posted on by Brandon Morland

MINNEAPOLIS — Bar staff everywhere are rejoicing as Semisonic penned a long-awaited follow-up to their 1998 single “Closing Time” entitled “Seriously, Get the Fuck Out, I Have To Open Tomorrow,” overworked sources state.

“We wanted to make something a little more direct for all the bartenders that desperately play our song at last call in order to flush a bunch of drunken messes off their stools and out into the streets,” said lead singer Dan Wilson. “With the pandemic going on we know they’re working harder than ever and this new song can hopefully convey the sense of ‘hurry up and get the hell out of my bar’ they’re feeling every night around 2 a.m. ‘Closing Time’ had the double meaning about my daughter, but this new song threatens bodily harm in every verse and was written purely for those drunk fucks hanging around asking for just one more drink.”

Some bar-goers don’t get what the fuss is about.

“Man, that’s such a great song and they always play it at the same time,” said frequently drunk man Guy Stevens. “It always reminds me to order a few more drinks because for some reason they try to kick us out when it’s over. I mean we’re here having fun one second then the next they’re like ‘get the fuck out before we call the cops.’ But man, the bar is so much better than my shitty apartment. They have TVs, darts, and toilets that flush. I spend almost all of my unemployment check at this fucking bar, I deserve some damn respect.”

Restaurant industry executives are excited about the possibilities the song will bring.

“That last hour is the toughest for employees. It just drags on with spilled drinks, crying, and someone pissing themselves,” said National Restaurant Association spokesperson Jenny Block. “I think ‘Seriously, Get the Fuck Out, I Have To Open Tomorrow’ will represent a shift in bar service. Music can set the tone of a bar. When that tone is ‘I need your drunk asses to put your drinks down and stop asking for more’ bartenders now have this song. A metaphorical kick in the ass that will prevent staff from having to call the bouncer and giving a literal kick in the ass. Plus it’s pretty catchy. I heard it’s actually about a one-night stand he had.”

At press time, the lights were on and people were still not finishing their whiskey or beer.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

Bassist Heartbroken to Miss Son’s First “Hysteria” Riff While at Work

Posted on by Tom K

SAN DIEGO — Local breadwinner and career bassist Clarissa Khatri announced a leave of absence from his day job after being forced to work through his three-year-old son’s first Muse cover, discovering the footage on nugs.net this past Tuesday.

“Every bassist’s goal is to set their children up with more pedals than they had growing up,” Khatri explained. “I’ve always dreamed of being present for baby Les’ first ‘Hysteria’ by Muse ever since my own band forced me to stop playing it between songs. As a working mom, it’s hard enough to put in full-time hours while raising a family, especially after I wasted all two weeks of maternity leave on that awful Billy Sheehan Cruise. It’s a sad truth that the modern working class just can’t sustain a healthy work-life balance and still be able to fit in three hours of Fat Mike play-through videos a day.”

Squire Owens, Khatri’s stay-at-home partner was able to snag live cellphone footage and turned in a glowing review of the event.

“Oh man, I LOVED that he pulled that out for the opener. A great way to start a secret show during what was supposed to be nap time. The timing was perfect. Everybody had been told to remain quiet and I was attempting to get some work done,” said Owens. “That is the exact environment in which a bass player is supposed to come alive and live in the pocket. It was also rad to hear it during the main set and also as the encore. Maybe eventually he’ll learn past the intro riff, but not if he’s anything like his mother.”

Develop-metal biologist Jeffry Higgins, explains the strong genetic component of riffage that plays a large role in early childhood.

“Generally speaking, songs that are considered to be ‘rockin’’ or ‘real music’ by aging, and usually balding radio DJs, have a greater likelihood of being forcibly drilled into each new generation,” said Dr. Higgins. “In fact, there are a myriad of early intervention tab books parents can buy if they are worried their child isn’t progressing past at least an AC/DC level of bass playing by 24 months.”

When approached for comment, Family Fun-Time Tabletop Games and Togetherness Building upheld that company policy clearly dissuades procreation of any sort to avoid these types of productivity lapses.

Police Department Issues Public Warning About Dangerous Anarchists Distributing Free Vegan Chili in the Park

Posted on by V.F. Thompson

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — The local police department issued a public service announcement this morning warning the populace to be aware of dangerous anarchist activity downtown, where free vegan chili in the park is currently being distributed in the park.

“We received notification that unidentified persons were handing out hot food to anyone interested, no questions or proof of income or residence asked. These kinds of flagrant threats to the community can’t simply be waved away,” said Chief of Public Safety Vernon Coakley from a podium this morning. “When we allow people to do things such as freely distribute food in our communities, it hurts all of us. It hurts the small business owners nearby, and it creates issues for the public, leaving many to wonder what the whole thing is all about rather than ask one person one question.”

Concerned citizen Nimby Reagan, who lives in the condos near the park, was one of several people to call the police, informing them of the threat.

“They need to bring the boot down on these people,” she said. “They aren’t just criminals, they’re un-American. They have all sorts of little pamphlets about getting rid of prisons and the police, and they absolutely don’t have a permit to distribute that food. When we allow our children to grow up in a world where people can eat without paying, what kind of world are we creating? Not on my watch. The city needs to stomp this out now.”

A veteran and resident of the park who was served by the event organizers known as Matt C commented on the experience.

“Chili’s pretty good,” he said. “Wish they put meat in stuff, but can’t say no to a free meal. Tired of them fuckin’ chickpeas though, doesn’t nobody like chickpeas man. I think they’re all gay, or most of ‘em anyway, and I don’t really get all that shit, but whatever. They’re out here. They’re doing this work. I don’t really give a fuck who they are. People just need to fuckin be out helpin’ people, you know?”

The city has warned concerned citizens to inform them of any future threats of this nature and will keep the public informed with updates.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia. 

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