Greetings peons! The time has come once again for us to talk about the taxpayer’s wasted dollar! As a concerned citizen and triple entrepreneur (gym membership sales, Bitcoin mining, and writing AI self-help books), I know the value of a dollar. Believe me, I’ve lost a lot of them, and it hurts. You know, we as residents of this fair city are entitled to the best. Are we not? If you needed an operation and had the choice between springing for a ten-thousand-dollar surgeon or paying a hundred dollars for some bum from the slums, I’m betting you wouldn’t pick the bum.
Why then is it so foolish to suggest charging people a little bit more for basic public goods? Why is it that it’s so foolish to suggest privatizing the fire department?
I mean, we’re already so spoiled. Our tap water comes out when we want it to, and it’s almost always the right color. Our streets are paved with asphalt, not dirt. And our toilets carry our stool away without complaint. But we don’t get these things for free. And if you’re willing and able to pay a little more money, you can get a toilet that also has a bidet to give you a nice little spritz around the bum-bum region. You’re telling me it’s so stupid that we should be able to pay more to have the fire department prioritize us?
There’s a lot of good that’ll come of this. Sure, my plans to militarize the police and corporatize the military have thus far been met by mocking laughter. You say “the police don’t need bazookas at traffic stops.” “The military shouldn’t be owned by Amazon.com,” you cry. But my pay-per-gallon hose is both cost-effective and a great way to save water and silence snotty environmentalists.
Look, I can hear the whining. Oh, it’s not fair. Oh, it’s wrong. Oh, this plan would allow the homes and businesses of the less fortunate to be reduced to ash while prioritizing the property of the wealthy. To which I say: Yes. But that’s not a bad thing. For one thing, the wealthy are creators of jobs and housing. If they have housing and jobs, it’s easier for them to create it for the people who lost everything in the fire. You wouldn’t ask the man who’s lost his life raft to throw you a preserver. That’s just bad business.
Plus, some buildings are old and ugly. If people can’t pay to save them from destruction, then there’s probably a reason for it. Get rid of those awful pre-war eyesores and put up some condos. Which, by the way, my uncle’s construction company makes.
I’ve thought a lot about this! Each night, I watch my favorite erotic film — RoboCop — and rub my greasy little pepperoni nipples. And when they’re nice and pointy, I get to thinking. Survival of the fittest is the law of the jungle! Because after all, if a wildebeest can’t afford an armed guard with an AK-47, it deserves to be eaten by lions.
