33-Year-Old Patiently Awaits High School Crush’s Divorce

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

UMTANUM, Wash. — Local single man Cameron Barrett admitted today that he’s been patiently waiting for his high school crush to get divorced so he can finally ask her on a date.

“She’s been married for like, seven years now, lives in Australia, and we haven’t spoken since freshman year, and I’m not sure she remembers me… but still, she’s the one. Trust me, I can tell,” he stated while scrolling through crush Meghan Kline’s Instagram for any indication of marital friction. “They just went to Scotland for two weeks, so, you know: long flight in close quarters? Then living in a hotel for two weeks? They definitely had an argument or two. Yeah, it’s just a matter of time. Any day now, it’s gonna be my turn, and I’ll be ready and waiting to rekindle the fire we could’ve had in 2003 if she hadn’t been dating that dude Kenny.”

Kline confirmed she is happily married and has yet to experience even a minor rough patch.

“We’ve been so lucky, my husband and I, we barely even argue. We’re legit soul mates,” Kline began, as her husband chimed in and said “like Jim and Pam” at the same time. “We’ve known each other for years and started dating after college, and honestly, I’ve never been happier in my entire life. Now, who did you say was mentioning me? Cameron what? Do you have a picture or something? I’m not sure who you’re talking about.”

Relationship psychology expert Dr. Maria Faron confirmed Barrett will be waiting a long time, if not forever.

“Oh, yeah, I studied their relationship. There’s no way Kline’s marriage is ending anytime soon,” she said, sifting through Freud’s work for the correct term for Barrett’s behavior. “He’s a classic case of what we in the industry call a ‘moron.’ The only way this marriage will ever have issues is if he initiates said issues, and even then, look at him: he’s like, 5’4 and losing his hair. Yeah… just by looking at him, I can tell, there’s no way he’s breaking up any marriages anytime soon.”

Barrett has since claimed he’s no longer awaiting the end of Kline’s marriage, as one of his several other crushes moved back to his hometown, so all efforts have been redirected towards her.

Amazing! This Horror-Themed Cake Looks Just Like a Dead Body and Tastes Like Blood and Raw Meat

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s October again and, in the culinary world, that means horror-themed confections! It is the season of sugar, after all. Nom nom nom!

Unfortunately for Mom, pumpkin-shaped Pillsbury cookies just don’t cut it anymore. Food has evolved, particularly in the field of decorative cakes.

All across the country, America’s top bakers are using the macabre season to pull out all the stops and showcase their spookily-delicious cooking skills. But when it comes to deadly desserts, only one really takes the cake. Get it?

We used our connections in the foodie world to track down the most unique horror-themed cake in the world and we found it in the culinary creations of Doctor Baron von Fleshmonger!

The Baron’s sadistic sweets not only look like severed human body parts but feel and taste like them as well! It’s truly quite unsettling! I did not enjoy the bite of “human leg” I took in the slightest and that’s the whole point. In his cake work, Fleshmonger favors authenticity over cheap draws like sweetness or edibility. Here’s a breakdown of our experience:

PRESENTATION: The theatrics involved here blew us away! We were blindfolded by a hunchback named Idalgo and shoved into the back of a hearse. Several hours later our blindfolds were removed and we found ourselves in front of a dilapidated gothic church in some sort of ghost town. Very exclusive!

We entered the spooky old church and were greeted by the Baron himself, fully committed to the character. He removed the lid from a silver serving dish to reveal a dead ringer for a severed human leg still wrapped in denim. It’s amazing what you can do with fondant!

TASTE: Quite fleshlike. Warm, bloody, unpleasant, I’m talking full authenticity. And oddly enough, it is hard to stop at one bite. The Baron attributes this to his patented cannibalistic-accelerant marinade, whatever that means!

AFTER-FEEL: Emptiness and despair. We feel every worry, care, and scrap of identity being overridden by a horrible hunger we do not want. A hunger for something more… fresh.

SUMMARY: Brains! Braaaaaiiiinnnnssss! We… must… FEED!

Friend Skims Few Seconds of Album You Worked on for 9 Years

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

OLATHE, Kan. — Liz Barret, your close lifelong friend and one of the only people whose opinion actually matters to you, skimmed through a few seconds of your labor-of-love magnum opus yesterday that took nearly a decade to complete before dismissing it forever.

“He’s been talking about this record since college, so it’s only right for me to show my support and really dedicate some time to it,” Barret said while removing the record from her phone so it would never come up on shuffle. “I’m not gonna actually sit here and listen to the whole thing, but I put on the first three seconds of the first song, then about 10 seconds in the middle of track seven — I think 13 seconds is plenty to get the gist of an hour-long album. It sounded pretty good, and I’m happy for him.”

Though you admit it was nice of her to listen at all, you were disappointed that that was all she heard.

“Her official review was it sounds ‘kinda like Green Day,’ which immediately indicates she didn’t actually listen, as every track is orchestral instrumentals in a ring cycle,” you shouted in a whirlwind of chagrin, sadness, and anger. “I put everything I have into this thing — this record is the most emotionally vulnerable and personal music I’ve ever written, and it was listened to by the one person closest to me for 13 seconds.”

“Though that beats the previous record of two seconds, when it came on in the car and my buddy skipped over it,” you added with resignation, “so I guess there’s that.”

While proud of your accomplishment, your dad was equally upset at the album’s reception, but for slightly different reasons.

“I paid for the thing. Someone better listen to it!” your dad yelled, shaking his head in regret and disappointment. “Do you have any idea how expensive it is to record a 72-piece orchestra… then go back and re-record it years later because you ‘rewrote a few bars?’ Every single person this record is given to had better listen to every second of music, uninterrupted, and undistracted, repeatedly. I cashed in my Amazon stock for this!”

At press time, Barret had since listened to an additional two seconds of the record after accidentally leaving her sound on while scrolling through stories on Instagram.

‘America Will Look Vastly Different After November,’ Says Man Discussing ‘Hyrule Warriors’ Launch Day

Posted on by Jolie Darrow

WASHINGTON — Warning his friends and loved ones of the coming weeks and months of uncertainty, local politico Philippe Cruz remarked today that America will look vastly different after November following the launch of Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity.

“It may sound like hyperbole to say this is the most important November of our lives, but it’s true,” began Cruz’s roughly 5,000-word long Facebook post. “We’re approaching a turning point in our nation’s history, and we all know what’s at stake this year: whether Zelda-themed Musou games are sustainable enough to be their own standalone series. The original Hyrule Warriors release was a test to see how we would react. This time around, I encourage everyone reading this to pay attention. The world could change pretty quickly around us very soon.” 

Cruz’s post has clearly struck a nerve among his social network, and has so far garnered several hundred reactions and impassioned comments from his friends and family.

“I’ve lived through a lot of really hyped launch days. Some stand out more than others,” commented Cruz’s uncle Thomas, a veteran of the console wars. “But the new Hyrule Warriors is the most important launch in our lifetime. No matter what the outcome is after they count up all of the sales numbers, we need to come together and be prepared for whatever comes next. We can’t have a redo of ET: The Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. We must not reverse the course of our nation’s progress.” Thomas’s message garnered 26 likes at press time as well as a photo reply of a Sonic the Hedgehog ‘ok boomer’ meme from mutual friend Ashley Martin.

Cruz says that he feels that his call to action made an impact, but he says it’s important to maintain energy leading up to launch day and not lose sight of the goal.

“This game needs to be good. The last one wasn’t that great, and it didn’t actually deliver on any of the promises made by the trailer. Some people are already saying that the Hyrule Warriors series is already in decline. How will we be able to look our children in the eyes decades from now and tell them we stood by while the greatest spin-off in video game history fell to ruin? Not even Link would stay silent and watch that happen.”

At press time, Cruz was following up in the comments section of his post urging everyone to make their voices heard this November through Nintendo’s customer feedback page.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Anonymous ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Contractor Reveals Intense Crunch Culture Made Him Say “Whoa”

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — An anonymous whistleblower working on Cyberpunk 2077 with CD Projekt Red has revealed a pattern of intense and abusive crunch culture that left him saying “whoa” to co-workers and employers.

“With all the delays, I’ve been working 100 hour weeks, walking around all day in motion capture suits,” said the source, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear for their career. “I’ve worked hard jobs in the past that were really hard. You know, training for stunts and stuff like that. But do these guys even know who I am?! Actually wait, maybe I shouldn’t say that.”

Those close to the anonymous source have confirmed that they have been complaining about the long hours and difficult crunch process for quite some time.

“Yeah he’s always telling me about how crazy his job is,” said the source’s friend, actor Alex Winter. “I thought it was kinda weird, because I have read all those horrifying articles about crunch culture, but I didn’t realize it went beyond the developers. It’s pretty terrifying to imagine that actors are having to deal with this work culture too. Especially considering that [REDACTED] works two or three jobs, if you add up all the new movies he’s starring in.”

Despite the source having shined a spotlight on the working conditions of those at CD Projekt Red, many developers have criticized their statement.

“I have a family to feed and I’m absolutely terrified to lose this job, or say not to my boss. This guy is a multi-millionaire. He does not need to be doing all this!” said Cyberpunk 2077 developer Martin Kowalczyk. “We’re being completely overworked — it’s a nightmare — but no one asked him to do all his own stunts. There are not stunts in this! It’s a video game! I get that he has a reputation for being an incredibly nice guy, but I think he got caught up in a favor that has gone on way too long.”

As of press time, the anonymous source was seen sadly eating a sandwich on a park bench.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Commune Member Tired of Roommates Not Cleaning up After Home Births

Posted on by Tom Peters

GARDINER, Mont. — Sacred Blessings Ranch resident Ricky Valencia has grown impatient with his fellow commune members for repeatedly failing to clean up after themselves following home births, inconsiderate sources confirm.

“It’s not that hard to just leave the space how you found it,” Valencia said of the makeshift birthing chamber otherwise known as the living room. “I really want to honor this new chapter in Spritefeather’s journey, but she’s been ‘letting the placenta soak’ for a while now. Somehow these deliveries always end with everyone clinking celebratory cider jars in the barn while I’m stepping over human debris to get to the Roku remote. I know this is the common area, but maybe it shouldn’t be in the only room with a TV. It’s hard to enjoy ‘The Great British Baking Show’ next to a kiddie pool full of amniotic fluid.”

Resident doula Rebecca Fenez claimed, however, that Valencia’s expectations aren’t always reasonable.

“Why would you join a commune if you’re so concerned with personal space?” Fenez said. “A new life is entering the world, and he sends a text from the other room asking us to please keep it down because he has work tomorrow. We all have work tomorrow. We milk goats and make soap, and it’s not hard.”

“Everyone tries to include him, but the other night he walked by and let out the most passive aggressive sigh, and I’m like, it’s an orgy, dude. Get in or get out,” Fenez added. “It was like movie night all over again.”

Leadership described the unique challenge of keeping individuals happy while considering the best interests of the group.

“I’m sympathetic to [Valencia’s] position,” said Sacred Blessings founder and believed deity Lucas Gumbrecht. “But making new people has to be our top priority, since outside recruitment is way down — give one trick-or-treater the special chocolate by accident and all of a sudden you’re a ‘cult.’ But we’ve hired a publicist to help us rebrand. There’s even a film crew coming to shoot a Netflix documentary that I’m sure will paint us in a very favorable light. Besides, everyone is free to leave whenever they want, right after they spend a night in the shed of reawakening.”

At press time, Valencia was devising a plan to escape from the compound with his share of the security deposit.

Uptight Principal Being Tortured in Hair Metal Video Just Trying to Do His Job

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

IRVINE, Calif. — Fastidious and strict Irvine Public High School Principal Gene Jensen was assaulted at work yesterday by the hair metal band Goldenrod while he was just trying to provide an education to America’s youth, terrified faculty and staff report.

“It was easily the most scared I’ve ever been… and that includes the time I went on the Knott’s Berry Farm haunted hayride. I was telling one of our more troublesome students to straighten up and fly right when these men in spandex and make-up broke down the door and tied me to a chair with my own tie,” Jensen said after being freed. “It was awful. One of them used drum sticks to knock the books off my shelf while I watched helplessly.”

“I don’t need this! I dedicate my life to education, and this is how I’m thanked?” Jensen asked rhetorically. “This isn’t even the first time it happened. It seems like every week, some fringe-jacketed weirdo tears apart our library.”

For their part, members of Goldenrod didn’t see anything wrong with their behavior.

“Man, I’m so, so sorry if we disrupted the indoctrination factory,” said frontman Biff Moss while dancing provocatively with Ms. Bastion, a gorgeous blonde English teacher. “Goldenrod came to party, and that is exactly what we’re going to do, baby! All we did was rip off his toupee, snap his suspenders and make a little mess — all harmless fun. Our guitarist didn’t know his solo would shatter the dude’s glasses.”

Hair metal criminologists noted that this was not an isolated incident.

“All over America, we’re getting reports of roving gangs of hair metal bands attacking educators,” explained Candace Sadinski, a professor of Education Leadership at Stanford. “Sure, principals and vice-principals might not be considered ‘cool’ or ‘hip,’ but they’re doing their best and don’t deserve this treatment. These monsters are carving their band’s name into desks and writing ‘school sux’ in textbooks, and somehow, the teachers are the bad guys.”

While Principal Jensen only has one more semester until he can retire, he fears his heart cannot handle another surprise pyrotechnic blast.

Tired Woman Wondering if Husband Would Mind Just Licking Her Neck, Back Tonight

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

CARBONDALE, Ill. — Tired wife Ruby McDermott was reportedly “not in the mood” for sexual activity this evening, instead asking her husband to just lick her neck and her back, leaving her pussy and crack completely un-tongued.

“Work has been incredibly stressful, and unfortunately it’s had some negative effects on our sex life. When my husband tried to initiate tonight, I asked if he wouldn’t mind forgoing my pussy and crack, and just focus on my neck and my back, for brevity’s sake,” said McDermott. “He didn’t pressure me, but I could tell he was disappointed.”

“To be honest, if he’d just warmed me up a bit, I might’ve gotten in the mood and started poppin’ this P,’” she added. “My crack, however, was off limits. I’m currently on a juice cleanse and the stakes are just too high.”

Husband Vincent Padilla admitted he was frustrated.

“She kept flinching anytime I went too far south, so I just licked every square inch of her neck and back for an hour like I was a momma cat grooming her kitten. My entire face hurt after five minutes, but I didn’t want to let her down,” explained Padilla with a slight lisp due to tongue cramping. “The whole thing made me really insecure. Do I do a bad job of rolling my tongue and putting my neck into it? Admittedly, slow thumpin’ til the crack of dawn isn’t as easy for me now as it was in my 20s, but I try my best.”

Relationship counselor Aimee Cordova explained that, in addition to stress, there are many external factors that may cause a woman to lose interest in “getting her back blown out.”

“A common issue is the husband asking his partner to gimme that, that, that nut. But he ignores her needs,” said Cordova. “Sure, he has no problem when she requests he put it in her motherfuckin’ mouth, but when a wife says, ‘You can eat me out, talkin’ every drip-drop, don’t you waste it,’ he’s less than enthusiastic. Bitches crave being made to moan and scream, and it’s important their partners understand this for long-term, sexually satisfying relationships.”

McDermott has reportedly since said she will make more of an effort to be a “certified freak” a minimum of three days a week.

We Said Candyman 5 Times in the Mirror and Tony Todd Showed up and I Guess He Was in the Middle of Something Because He’s Pissed

Posted on by Dan Rice

With Halloween right around the corner, The Hard Times decided now would be a fun time to investigate some spooky urban legends, starting with Candyman. Made popular by the ‘90s film series, the legend of Candyman has it that if you say “Candyman” five times into a mirror a horrifying man with a hook for a hand surrounded by bees will appear and murder you.

We were skeptical that anything would happen at all. Imagine our surprise when acclaimed film and television star Tony Todd, star of the Candyman films, materialized into our bathroom! Unfortunately, he was… less than amused.

It’s great that this happened instead of like a for-real Candyman showing up I guess, but Todd really chewed us out. I guess this happens to him a lot at the “worst possible times.” How the fuck were we supposed to know?

The Hard Times: Holy shit, you’re Tony Todd! Did you just like teleport here man? 
Tony Todd: Oh what in the fuck, not again! You stupid sons of bitches I’m busy! 
Woah, hey calm down man, we didn’t know this would happen!
Oh! Okay! So you said “Candyman” in the mirror 5 times because you thought nothing would happen! Oh that makes so much sense wow, what a valuable use of time, you fucking idiot!
Jeez man sorry! I was just doing research for an article I’m writing!
Let me explain something to you, I’m a working actor, okay? I don’t have time to be wooshed away to… Where are we? 
Chicago.
Chicago?! I have an audition in Las Angeles at 9 am, you’re telling me I’m in fucking Chicago? 
Well, I mean with the time difference you can maybe still make it…
Fuck you! 

After about 20 minutes of pacing around my apartment repeating a bunch of obscenities and insults Mr. Todd calmed down a bit, made a few phone calls, and agreed to an interview provided I get him an uber to O’hare airport.

So, magic exists I guess. That’s pretty wild. 
Hmph. 
So, were you cast in the film Candyman because of the curse or…
Oh so you don’t think I landed the role because of my acting ability is that it? 
Woah, no I didn’t say that! Hey, you were incredible in that movie, it’s one of my favorites!
Hmph. 
Okay, we can talk about something else. 
I got Candyman because I’m a professional and understood the character. The curse shit didn’t happen until after I booked it, okay? 
So like on set? 
You know how they used all those bees in the movie? 
Yeah! I heard you had it in your contract that you got a $1000 bonus every time you were stung is that true? 
You’re damn right I did, and I cleaned house on that deal! I got stung like 100 times! Unfortunately, I didn’t read the fine print. The contract included a public image clause stating that I would inherit the mantle of the Candyman and appear when summoned. I knew I shouldn’t have signed that shit in blood. 
Wow. Are you sure you want us to print that? I mean, if more people know about this won’t more people do it? 
Oh, I want you to print this alright because there’s something I want people to know. 
What’s that? 
I’m through half-assing this Candyman shit. Next asshole who summons me is dead-meat. I’m going all in. Hook hand, bees, the whole deal. 
Message received. So Tony Todd, where can people see you next? 
Oh you can catch me on an upcoming episode of Law & Order. I’ll be playing a retail chain owner with a hook for a hand covered in bees. 

Roommate Letting Crust Punk Soak for a Few Days Before Cleaning Him

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WILMINGTON, Del. — Local woman Lily-Ann Greenaway is allowing a crust punk she met last week on a dating app to soak “for a day or two” before eventually cleaning him, incredulous roommates confirmed.

“I met this crustie on Hinge. He seemed cool, and I wanted him to come back home with me… but once we started fooling around, it became abundantly clear he was going to need a good cleaning before we go any further,” said Greenaway. “We moved to the shower, but he was covered in grease stains and stuck-on food, so I just kept scrubbing him until I broke skin. At that point, I filled the tub with warm, soapy water and told him to soak for a while and I’d check back later. That was three days ago.”

Roommate Kyle Jernigan has grown accustomed to the pruned punk in his bathtub.

“That guy is pretty cool, actually. We got off to a rocky start when I went to take a leak in the tub and unwittingly pissed in his face, but since then we’ve been getting along swimmingly,” said Jernigan. “Still, Lily better not be hoping one of us takes care of him. This isn’t going to be like that chili bowl from last month — three days in a bathtub with dish soap is more than enough to loosen the chicken breast stuck to that crustie’s forehead.”

Despite Greenaway’s insistence to the contrary, experts agree that allowing punks to soak is not an effective cleaning method.

“The fact is, leaving a crust punk in water for a few days to remove those stubborn malt liquor stains and the burnt-on kush residue is simply a myth,” explained blogger Sharita Booker. “You only need two things to clean a crust punk: steel wool and elbow grease. And if that fails, try soaking his stained parts in Coca-Cola overnight, then scrub him down with baking soda. That’s an old trick from my Mamaw, who was no stranger to bringing home a hobo or two, as they used to be called.”

As of this morning, the crust punk was deemed “more trouble than it’s worth” and tossed out with the recycling.