Boyfriend Takes -7 Environmental Damage Per Second on Mission to Grocery Store

Posted on by Chandler Dean

OXFORD, Ohio — In a journey that exposed one of his most glaring character vulnerabilities, local boyfriend Zach McInnes suffered -7 environmental damage per second on his most recent time trial at the grocery store.

McInnes, who has maxed out his Dish-Washing and Trash-Taking abilities at the expense of treating Food Preparation as a dump stat, relayed the debilitating nature of his slog through the Kroger course.

“Once I get in there, I’ve got about 45 seconds to complete the mission before my energy is completely depleted,” explained McInnes, his body still intermittently blinking red to indicate the slow depletion of his health. “I can recover once by loitering around the cereal aisle, but after that, the safety net’s gone — I just gotta move fast.”

The grocery store is just one environment where McInnes faces a built-in disadvantage as a boyfriend type; he also experiences -9 environmental damage per second at department stores, automatically loses all equipped items when entering or leaving an airplane, and is immune to stamina boosts from consuming vegetables.

McInnes’s partner and quest-giver, Robin Kundanmal, lamented his inability to finish the task without incident.

“I truly send him to get the most basic ingredients,” Kundanmal, who rewards McInnes’s successful efforts with continued companionship, vented. “But if there’s more than five things on the list he claims to be ‘over-encumbered’ and takes twice as long to get home. It’s such a cop out.”

At press time, McInnes was enjoying a +5 stamina bonus from hanging out in that one part of Best Buy with the couches and the hyper-photorealistic clips of The Avengers on infinite repeat.

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PlayStation Owner Wondering When Sony Is Going to Send Him All Those Trophies

Posted on by John Dixon

CARRBORO, N.C. — A local gamer is on the warpath against Sony as, after six years, he has yet to receive a single physical PlayStation Trophy. 

“I was always an Xbox guy, but I got a PS4 on launch day before Xbox announced all those exclusives and I got super hype when I saw that instead of achievements, I could get trophies,” said Bart Hull from his house, which was tragically devoid of any kind of trophy. “But now the console generation is almost over and I have yet to receive a single one of the hundreds of trophies I’ve earned from Sony.”

He added, “It’s to the point that, if I don’t get a trophy in the mail soon I’m not getting a PS5.”

Workers at the local GameStop where Hull purchased his PlayStation initially bore the brunt of Hull’s complaints, and developed a unique approach for dealing with the irate gamer. 

“Yeah, every time that guy came in to get new games, he’d make a comment about how it’s weird he hasn’t gotten any trophies yet. We sorta thought he just sucked at the games he was playing, but eventually he flat-out asked when we received our trophies in the mail,” said store manager Brian West. “Once we knew he was expecting physical trophies, we just kept telling him stuff like, ‘Well, they’ve gotta come all the way from Japan, give them time,’ because it was just hilarious at that point.”

A representative from Sony’s American arm was unsurprised to hear of Hull’s misunderstanding and frustration. 

“This is far from the first person to think PlayStation trophies are physical items we ship to players, and I’m sure he won’t be the last,” said Sony spokesman William Bruce. “At this point it’s taking so many man hours to field all the calls and complaints that we’re considering actual trophies, because it could represent an actual savings for us.”

At press time, Hull had just earned his first platinum PlayStation trophy by completing Ghost of Tsushima and was spotted at a local trophy shop, commissioning a trophy of his own.

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Pro-Life Movement Handed Victory That Will Kill Thousands

Posted on by James Webster

WASHINGTON — Pro-life fundamentalists are rejoicing today after controversial Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett was officially confirmed to the judiciary, sources wondering what it would take to move to another country confirmed.

“I think I speak for all womankind when I say this appointment is a resounding victory,” said Jeffrey Walton, a conservative lobbyist. “Since Roe v. Wade in 1973, women have been in danger of ruining their lives by not abiding by God’s plans for them. If a woman wants to have an abortion, it should be dangerous, unsanitary, illegal, and stigmatized to hell and back. After all, that kind of bootstraps, do-everything-yourself mentality was good enough for the founding fathers.”

Barrett’s confirmation has been met with substantial backlash.

“Begging for my rights not to be taken away isn’t ‘backlash’ — I just want access to a very common medical procedure,” said concerned citizen Lucy Bellamy. “I’m not exaggerating here, people are going to die. Abortions aren’t going to stop: they’re just going to become unsafe. These people don’t give a shit about human life; they just want to punish women for getting pregnant because their repressed high-school’s abstinence campaign worked too well. Roe v. Wade was the only thing stopping Georgia from criminalizing miscarriages, which every human with half a wit knows full well a woman has no control over. “

“Also, I’m so angry that I said ‘fucking’ earlier, because now some smug chud isn’t going to take me seriously because I’m not engaging in ‘civilized debate,’” she added. “And to that guy: fuck you.”

For her part, Barrett seemed relieved the proceedings were finally over.

“Liberals will throw a fit and cry over just about anything,” said Barrett with a stony, ice cold glare. “Why didn’t these so-called ‘young people’ protest during the confirmation of Antonin Scalia? Don’t give me the ‘I wasn’t born yet’ excuse, that doesn’t work with me. I promise to follow precisely in Scalia’s footsteps, offering few opinions of my own… just as I do for my husband as a member of People of Praise. My confirmation is all just a part of God’s plan, and the plans of fundamentalist mega donors who have nothing better to spend their money on.”

At press time, Republican lawmakers began drawing up papers to declare all elections illegal, hoping to have the case ruled on by the Supreme Court before November 3rd.

We Thought the School Janitor Killed People in the Boiler Room but Turns Out He’s Just Lonely and Lives Down There and Somehow That’s Much Worse

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Everyone at my middle school knows the story of “Gus the Gouger,” the creepy old janitor that lures children into the boiler room and gouges out their eyeballs. Well, being the bravest kid in the whole school who didn’t have attentive parents, I went down there to see for myself. Unfortunately, the truth is more bone-chilling terrifying than any of us had imagined.

Turns out Gus, who’s last name is “Perez” and not “the Gouger,” is simply a lonely old man who sleeps in the boiler room because he can’t afford his own place. He’s never even jammed an ice pick in someone’s throat, let alone burn their body to a crisp in the furnace down there. Instead, he plays cards. We talked a bit and he asked me to sit for a few hands. I kept praying he’d drown me in his slop bucket and mop the floors with my blood just to end the awkwardness.

I tried prying some more by asking if he wanted to tuck his genitals between his legs and wear my entrails like jewelry, but his English isn’t great, so instead, he smiled and offered me some water. Terrifyingly, it contained no severed fingers or even human feces. It merely contained a metaphor for how cold the world can be.

He did have a picture of a little girl taped to his wall, which I had hoped was his first victim. But it was his lousy granddaughter. She has a cleft palate and he’s been sending money so she can have surgery.

Jesus Christ, what am I supposed to do with that? I can’t brag to my friends about how I confronted “Gus the Gouger,” who in reality is “Gus: the World’s Greatest Abuelo.”

Sometimes I really wish he had killed me and ripped open my skull with his bare hands like the legend had foretold. At least then I could sleep eternal, instead of lying awake thinking about how I could—but will do nothing to—help this sweet, misunderstood man.

Cop Shoots Grand Jury After Being Slapped On Wrist

Posted on by Freelancer

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Ofc. Michael Skolnyk opened fire on a grand jury yesterday after they figuratively slapped him on the wrist for his history of violent outbursts and erratic behavior.

“I tactically ascertained that my body had been metaphorically assaulted,” confirmed Skolnyk through bites of a bear claw. “My sevens of hours of police training have honed my skills to be as sharp as Japanese steel if Japanese steel was American. After being berated by the grand jury for all of 15 minutes, I drew my service weapon and fired a total of 13 shots before handcuffing their bloody bodies, upon which I then reloaded and fired eight more shots. I’m just happy I was able to keep these dangerous jurors off the streets.”

Authorities have launched a mostly performative investigation of the shooting, and Ofc. Skolnyk is now on paid administrative leave.

“We’re going to spend the minimum amount of time necessary to assure the public that it looks like we’re looking into this,” announced Lexington mayor Linda Gorton. “We’ve got people working around the clock on this. This’ll be a cake walk for them; they practically won’t do anything at all.”

“We don’t want this to be too stressful on Ofc. Skolnyk. You know how violent cops can get when challenged,” she added. “We got him a nice, comfy desk job until this all blows over. We recently seized a stack of ‘Playboy’ magazines from some kids in the woods, so we’re gonna pay him $90 an hour to sort and file those. We’re hoping all that grueling paperwork will teach this officer a lesson.”

Law enforcement has reported an uptick in aggression towards officers from groups such as oversight committees, grand juries, and internal affairs bureaus.

“Make no mistake, this is a war on cops,” declared Chief of Police Terrence Green. “First they tell us we can’t shoot unarmed suspects, then they’ll tell us we can’t bring backup evidence in case the suspect loses theirs — before you know it, they’ll be telling us we can’t have sex with handcuffed minors in our legal custody. For too long, we’ve let these oversight groups run amok and terrorize our boys in blue. It’s time we let this country know that no officer is below the law.”

In related news, a police officer in Indianapolis suffered a brain injury yesterday after being told to think about what he did.

Opinion: You Can’t Get in the Pit & Try To Love Someone Until You Get in the Pit and Learn To Love Yourself

Posted on by Nariko Ott

Hey bros. We all know it’s okay to get out there in the pit and kick some ass. But some of us don’t know that at the same time, sometimes you’re actually kicking your own ass. On the inside. It’s true. And it’s okay.

Some of the most savage pit-masters I’ve ever met are actually just windmill punching through their own feelings of inadequacy. That’s not good, my dudes. Especially when we could be windmill punching those feelings out.

I used to be that guy, too. Sweaty. My Agnostic Front shirt in tatters. “Picking up change” but unable to “pick up the pieces” of my own shattered ego. Throwing punches when what I really wanted was to be punched, if only to feel something. Then one day I realized that I was no longer slam-dancing. I was slam-cutting. Which is very hard to slam-hide when none of your shirts have sleeves.

I’ve been in the scene a long time, my bros, and I can tell you right now the hardest breakdown of all, is an emotional breakdown. You can’t spin kick your way out of that.

So, here are some 2-steps you can take to land a haymaker square in the jaw of self-doubt:

Start today – No one’s gonna do it for you and there’s no time like the present. Commit yourself totally to being your own brother-in-arms.

Mosh with your negative thoughts – Don’t just think things like, “I’m a boner who sucks,” “No one will ever love me,” or “I’m an old poser who’s past his prime and spends his time writing about being badass online.” You’ve got to throw elbows into those ideas about yourself. Challenge them. Get in the circle pit of your mind and punch your negative thoughts until someone needs to “pick! them! up!”

Look back and laugh – Once you’ve defeated the ideas now you need to do what my older brother always told me, “stop hitting yourself! stop hitting yourself!” This obviously means to forgive yourself for anything you might have done in the past. Anything.

No spiritual surrender – You’ve got to do this every day. No mercy for those weak ass thoughts, bro. You’ve got to get back out there and spin around with your arms out every God Damn day!

So don’t let your own self kick your own self’s ass, bros. You’re the only one who can physically defend yourself from your mind. Because it’s in your head where no one else can punch it but you, with fists made of a positive mental attitude. I hope you take this to heart, dudes. Or don’t. I mean, what do I know? I’m just a drunk, fat idiot.

Burzum Accidentally Brought Up on First Date

Posted on by Andrew Murphy

SEATTLE — Perpetually single man Conner Turner ruined a promising first date last Friday when he brought up the infamous Norwegian Black Metal one-man solo project Burzum, surprised onlookers confirmed.

“Things were going pretty well at first: we were having a good time, laughing about how weird working from home can be. Then she asked me what I was listening to these days, so I just listed a few normie bands,” said Turner. “It went to shit when she said her roommate was into some really weird, creepy sounding music, and I joked that it must be Burzum. When she didn’t know the reference and I was forced to explain who Varg was, I knew I blew it. Everyone knows that on first dates you don’t bring up politics, religion, or your deep knowledge of black metal.”

The offhand mention of the black metal project led to Turner trying to explain not just Burzum, but the entirety of the early ’90s Norwegian Black Metal scene — including the spree of church arsons, the suicide of Mayhem’s vocalist, and the sociopolitical context of Burzum founder Varg Vikernes’s ultra-right wing political views.

“When Conner mentioned Burzum was from Norway, I figured it had to sound something like Abba. Nothing says Scandinvaian music like Abba,” said now-mortified date Megan Saunders. “But then he started talking about something called ‘Transilvanian Hunger’ and how it sucks that everybody involved with ‘kvlt’ are all Nazi Odinists hell bent on perserving bloodlines. Apparently this guy Varg wasn’t allowed a guitar in jail, so he just recorded synth music and everybody hates it. It was all so stupid that it sounded like it could be an abandoned plotline from ‘Game of Thrones.’”

Experts note that the divisiveness of Black Metal can often cause first dates to end much earlier than anticipated.

“Most weak, comfortable people are not ready for the power of Black Metal,” said Olin “Murder” Jergenson, author of “Blood Crime Under Odin’s Moon: The Rise of Norwegian Black Metal.” “If your soul is not as dark as the pale king’s court on the eve of a virgin sacrifice to the she-bear gods of old Evrope, you will not understand it’s meaning. Chicks hate that shit.”

However, Turner was grateful the date ended so he didn’t have to explain the “Infowars” sweatshirt he forgot to hide in the trunk of his car.

Pirate Bay Salvages What It Can From Wreck of Quibi

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

LOS ANGELES — Members of The Pirate Bay took to the cyber seas to salvage the wreckage of disgraced short-form video streaming service Quibi.

“We be seein’ wrecks like these every few months now. These streamin’ services often tend to beach themselves without proper managin’,” explained pirate Edgar Greenskin. “It’s been a week since tha wreckage, so the scraps are measly, but hopefully we can get us some of that Punk’d from captain Chance the Rappa!”

Quibi, which experts say stands for “quick business” due to its six-month lifespan, crashed recently during a video conference with its creator Captain Jeffrey Katzenberg. 

“Many captains go down with their ship,” Katzenberg said, “but I think I’ll just move onto being CEO of some other incredibly unpopular, but lucrative business for me and my friends. And if these unlawful pirates try to pick through the scraps of our streaming service that only plays backwards movies on Amazon Kindles, I’ll have them all hanged.”

Despite Katzenberg’s warnings, the pirates have scrounged together some impressive finds.

“Oh, a’course there’s a gem or two in there,” yarr’d Greenskin. “One of the shows explores the relationship between TV writer Dan Harmon’s current wife and former sex doll in a humorous light. That’s gotta be worth somethin’!”

As of press time, the most valuable treasure thus far combed from the debris is a video of a woman with a prosthetic golden arm, which Greenskin became obsessed with as soon as he saw it.

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The Diversity in ‘Hades’ Is Unrealistic Because There Should Be More White People in Hell

Posted on by Aaron Weerasinghe

I love Hades as much as everyone else seems to, but I have to admit that the diversity in the game does kind of take me out of it a bit. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the diversity in this game about trying to escape the bowels of the underworld is downright unrealistic because we should be seeing way more white people in hell.

My issue isn’t with the liberties they took designing the Olympians. I think it’s great that there’s a Black Athena and South Asian Dionysus. Like the developers themselves have said, they’re Greek gods because they were worshipped in Greece, not because they’re ethnically Greek. But this is a game about climbing out of the lowest reaches of hell, and the only white man we see eternally damned for his sins is Sisyphus. What happened to accurate representation? There should be leagues — nay, swarms — of white men damned for their hubris in the underworld. Do better. Supergiant Games included so many vibrant characters by completely disregarding white people, many of whom should be toiling in hell.

It’s just not enough that some of the wretches of Tartarus are coded white with their blond bowl-cuts. We shouldn’t have to settle. Yes, I know the game takes place in Ancient Greece and all the characters are from Greek mythology, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say that I can’t immerse myself in a depiction of hell that doesn’t include every U.S. president, Christopher Columbus, Margaret Thatcher, and a bunch of guys with bad undercuts in ill-fitting suits. If the developers really cared about creating a believable underworld, we would have at least seen Tisiphone flaying Ronald and Nancy Reagan alive in a cutscene.

All this being said, I do think Hades’ depiction of Zeus as a disproportionately powerful, irresponsible, entitled old white man who generally kind of sucks is a particularly inspired decision.

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