LEXINGTON, Ky. — Ofc. Michael Skolnyk opened fire on a grand jury yesterday after they figuratively slapped him on the wrist for his history of violent outbursts and erratic behavior.
“I tactically ascertained that my body had been metaphorically assaulted,” confirmed Skolnyk through bites of a bear claw. “My sevens of hours of police training have honed my skills to be as sharp as Japanese steel if Japanese steel was American. After being berated by the grand jury for all of 15 minutes, I drew my service weapon and fired a total of 13 shots before handcuffing their bloody bodies, upon which I then reloaded and fired eight more shots. I’m just happy I was able to keep these dangerous jurors off the streets.”
Authorities have launched a mostly performative investigation of the shooting, and Ofc. Skolnyk is now on paid administrative leave.
“We’re going to spend the minimum amount of time necessary to assure the public that it looks like we’re looking into this,” announced Lexington mayor Linda Gorton. “We’ve got people working around the clock on this. This’ll be a cake walk for them; they practically won’t do anything at all.”
“We don’t want this to be too stressful on Ofc. Skolnyk. You know how violent cops can get when challenged,” she added. “We got him a nice, comfy desk job until this all blows over. We recently seized a stack of ‘Playboy’ magazines from some kids in the woods, so we’re gonna pay him $90 an hour to sort and file those. We’re hoping all that grueling paperwork will teach this officer a lesson.”
Law enforcement has reported an uptick in aggression towards officers from groups such as oversight committees, grand juries, and internal affairs bureaus.
“Make no mistake, this is a war on cops,” declared Chief of Police Terrence Green. “First they tell us we can’t shoot unarmed suspects, then they’ll tell us we can’t bring backup evidence in case the suspect loses theirs — before you know it, they’ll be telling us we can’t have sex with handcuffed minors in our legal custody. For too long, we’ve let these oversight groups run amok and terrorize our boys in blue. It’s time we let this country know that no officer is below the law.”
In related news, a police officer in Indianapolis suffered a brain injury yesterday after being told to think about what he did.