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Pro-Life Movement Handed Victory That Will Kill Thousands

WASHINGTON — Pro-life fundamentalists are rejoicing today after controversial Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett was officially confirmed to the judiciary, sources wondering what it would take to move to another country confirmed.

“I think I speak for all womankind when I say this appointment is a resounding victory,” said Jeffrey Walton, a conservative lobbyist. “Since Roe v. Wade in 1973, women have been in danger of ruining their lives by not abiding by God’s plans for them. If a woman wants to have an abortion, it should be dangerous, unsanitary, illegal, and stigmatized to hell and back. After all, that kind of bootstraps, do-everything-yourself mentality was good enough for the founding fathers.”

Barrett’s confirmation has been met with substantial backlash.

“Begging for my rights not to be taken away isn’t ‘backlash’ — I just want access to a very common medical procedure,” said concerned citizen Lucy Bellamy. “I’m not exaggerating here, people are going to die. Abortions aren’t going to stop: they’re just going to become unsafe. These people don’t give a shit about human life; they just want to punish women for getting pregnant because their repressed high-school’s abstinence campaign worked too well. Roe v. Wade was the only thing stopping Georgia from criminalizing miscarriages, which every human with half a wit knows full well a woman has no control over. “

“Also, I’m so angry that I said ‘fucking’ earlier, because now some smug chud isn’t going to take me seriously because I’m not engaging in ‘civilized debate,’” she added. “And to that guy: fuck you.”

For her part, Barrett seemed relieved the proceedings were finally over.

“Liberals will throw a fit and cry over just about anything,” said Barrett with a stony, ice cold glare. “Why didn’t these so-called ‘young people’ protest during the confirmation of Antonin Scalia? Don’t give me the ‘I wasn’t born yet’ excuse, that doesn’t work with me. I promise to follow precisely in Scalia’s footsteps, offering few opinions of my own… just as I do for my husband as a member of People of Praise. My confirmation is all just a part of God’s plan, and the plans of fundamentalist mega donors who have nothing better to spend their money on.”

At press time, Republican lawmakers began drawing up papers to declare all elections illegal, hoping to have the case ruled on by the Supreme Court before November 3rd.